Guards.. Need real input


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This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Krystal 3 days, 10 hours ago.

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  • #742936 Reply

    Krystal

    I started talking to someone new about 6 weeks ago. We have been dating for a month.
    Went on 3 dinner dates and had such a great time. I could tell he was totally into me, attentive, a lot in common, a gentleman.
    We also spent a few times together at our houses and introduced our dogs.
    I work a lot have a full time and 2 part time job- so he would constantly always want to make plans when he could see me next.
    He would talk about future things a lot, that got me scared and have my guards up because of all the rift raft I went through in my past.

    Well sex was introduced into the equation about 2 weeks ago.. and on Sunday I went over to his house to hang out for a little..
    Well that night we did things and then I didn’t want to spend the night because I was getting scared. I asked if he would be okay if I left
    He said do you want to leave? I said yes, then the next morning. I apologized and said I was getting scared that is why I left because I was
    Starting to like him. He said don’t worry don’t be getting scared, you can tell me anything. I’m here for you.

    Then he made a comment of how I didn’t seem too into on Sunday night. That rubbed me the wrong way.. and I asked what he meant and
    How that was hurtful. He then said it wasn’t the act, it was what I said after that. Well then I sort of just shut down a bit. And said that now
    I felt like crap, and to have a good day. He wrote it wasn’t meant too and you have a greatttt day too.

    He constantly was a texter, always initiated. Well Tuesday afternoon I got out of work and wrote a text maybe we should talk. If he had
    Sometime today. He said he felt it was going this way because of what happened, and we don’t have to do this in person if I don’t want too.
    And I was confused because I wanted to convey after not speaking with him a day and half I did really start to like him. Well he said he was
    Super stressed out and tired. So then….. I proceeded to explain how I felt and how I had my guard up and that wasn’t fair to him, that it did
    Take a 1.5 to realize that and I was sorry. That this started to feel real and if it wasn’t my mistake. And just to be please be direct like I am.

    He wrote back the next AM stating he doesn’t think we should see each other anymore, that he is sorry he can’t do this.

    I responded with ok. Can I at least have a phone conversation with a little more explanation?

    He then wrote how Sunday was weird for him too.. that I left that night. And that I got upset the next day with the message. And basically
    He feels I’m wonderful person but I like to joke around a lot and his ex was rude to him in the past and he isn’t into that. That maybe
    Our personalities are just a little different.

    I wanted to clarify on the phone.. so I said can we talk on the phone so it’s a bit more personal with what I want to convey.
    He said sure give me a call when you can.

    I did.. and I let him know that my joking around was because I had my guards up.. I kept him more at a friend level.. and then realizing
    That I started to like him more it really scared me. Thus the pulling away. But I said it was not fair to him and willing to talk about it
    And drop all my guards. I said but I understand and respect where you are coming from.. I think you threw you hands up a bit early,
    But it takes two to make things work so I understand. I was on my way to get a tattoo and he said okay well let me process everything
    And why don’t you give me a text after your tattoo..

    He then wrote before tattoo..

    It just sucks because I like you now I’m scared, lol.
    Then he said I’m just the opposite of you, I like you no, guards up. You like me, guards up.

    I wrote back before tattoo.. and said I know. I’m sorry and willing to work on that and change that. I have a lot of scarring in my life, and
    Just scared.
    (no response)
    Wasn’t sure to text after tattoo since he didn’t respond but I did and I said I’m out of tattoo if you still wanted to chat.

    I haven’t heard anything back since that message on Wed… I won’t text again, but I don’t know how long one should give or what
    To feel regarding this. Do I just let him go and move on..

    #742938 Reply

    Newbie

    You made this really complicated with all the talks about being scared, having your guards up etc during a time you just got to know the guy. Having your guards up is perfectly healthy but you process information on the inside. Right now you seem to use it as a tool to scare away the guy.
    I remember you from posts in the past and i know you got burned bad. You need to shake that off a bit more and know that even if a new guy comes along and disappears you will be fine. This guy has made it clear by now he doesnt want to proceed and used several excuses to show you are not compatible. I would for sure leave him alone by now. If he contacts you, be you best self!!! Or learn and try again with a new guy. The right guy will understand youre cautious since most of us are.

    #742939 Reply

    lala

    you let him go but don’t just move on, kicking the can down the road. This is all on you, it could have been a great relationship but you self sabotaged it and ruined any chances.

    You clearly have intimacy and/or commitment issues. You should not be dating because it is hurtful to other people who get close to you, You let them get close to you and then you just implode. If you have had experiences in your life that cause you to act this way then you need to address it. Therapy would be a good start. You are putting your damaged self out there without consideration that you are going to hurt someone, it’s not fair to others

    #742940 Reply

    Khadija

    I think you dumped way too much on him in such a short amount of time.

    Since its early on when people see red flags they tend to call it quits.

    You went on and on about having your guard up as well.

    I think you need more time to heal and just reflect on the past relationships.

    I doubt he will want to keep this going it seems like his mind is made up.

    #742941 Reply

    Krystal

    Thank you all.

    #742942 Reply

    Newbie

    Do an exercise picturing where he did all the things you did. Leaving in the middle of the night, get an apology next morning where he says he is scared but likes you. Then a couple more about barriers and being scarred. By then you must think either he is trying to push you away or he is an emotional basketcase, based on the information you have by now. Thats what i do, i picture how i would have processed my own actions. Also when it comes to abandonment issues, and you act like you have them, they are not that difficult to get rid off. Its the idea of being left alone, but its an abstract feeling because you will be fine.

    #742945 Reply

    Krystal

    Newbie, good point. I think it was because he deleted the dating app a week after us dating. Then I deleted it.. and put too many eggs in one basket then had my guard up because I was scared. I should have been a lot more casual. Now looking at this in reverse for sure, if I was him I would step back too. Thanks for the clarity and allowing me to vent out my feels. You guys always are the best.

    #742946 Reply

    Krystal

    Khadija It was a slew of relationships..

    a failed marriage with cheating with neighbor/friend
    followed by a 2.5 year relationship narcissistic
    8 month healthy relationship but he had too many issues to fully involve to what i wanted.

    So its not a specific relationship.. just scared in general to be vulnerable and get hurt

    #742947 Reply

    T from NY

    I will be frank with you so you can hopefully make positive changes and hopefully enjoy a future relationship.

    When a man is treating you well, being consistent and respectful —keep your fears to yourself for a very long time. He is not your therapist and your intimacy issues are truly not his problem. Even when a man says he’s “into you” and is consistent and never skips a beat for the first several MONTHS — you are still in a trial stage. A man will normally run the other direction if he feels your happiness or well being is largely dependent upon him. If things are moving a little fast (like that evening at his house) — it is totally acceptable to say — “I have had a wonderful time with you this evening. But I’m feeling a little tired and need to take some time for me — so I’m gonna go back to my apartment” then kiss him warmly and go process on your own. The next day — even if he tries to ask what was going on, you can tell him sometimes you get in your own head and don’t want to burden him with that. Then thank him for supporting YOU, supporting yourself.

    I truly believe that a relationship DOES reach a stage where “talks” should occur for whatever stressors and as things become more serious and more serious commitment is being explored. But honestly they should only RARELY happen in the first 3-5 months. That time period should be the most fun, relaxing, easy time. I’m telling you this coming from me — a woman who has pretty severe trauma and used to have anxious attachment. I have had to WORK crazy hard to not express every feeling, as I’m having it, to my partner and all my fears about relationships and men in general.

    I hope next time you are able to winnow out what is YOURS to deal with on your own — and what is your partners. Relationships are like everything else that requires growth —- a good foundation. Love starts with lightheartedness and trust, not fear and anxiety. I wish that for you.

    #742948 Reply

    you know this

    We are ALL scared to be vulnerable. It’s one of the ties that binds us all in this terrifying ride called relationships.

    If you go into a relationship so scared of getting hurt that it’s affecting your behavior towards another, maybe it’s not the right time for you to get into a relationship. It’s not really fair to the new person to hold them accountable for the pain of a past they didn’t have anything to do with.

    Things we all know but I wanted to point out anyway.

    #742949 Reply

    Krystal

    T from NY.. that was so heartfelt and I truly appreciate your words and sharing your experiences. That is a very good point.. I should have left but did it more respectfully in that way. You are right its all about learning, growing, and should have been fun and slow and then took the time to develop with more talk later on. All the future talk and things he said reserved me, and thought it was too soon. He was consistent he was reliable. The thing is I know I have a lot to offer, I have a great personality, amazing friends, smart, pretty, outgoing, 2 jobs, volunteer, own home, no children yet, 33. It’s my time to find the right fit for me. I do have some sccaring from my past but if that was enough to throw it away then I guess so be it. I was honest and apologized why I left.. I should have been in my head a bit more.. I like the way you think. I need to do some more thinking and processing before dating again.

    #742993 Reply

    Sisi

    This is really on you… too much drama too early on…

    The guy got scared away….take it as a lesson learnt

    #742996 Reply

    Raven

    Hi Krystal… I hope you Strongly consider finding a trained someone to talk with about your ‘stuff.’

    Good Luck…

    #743007 Reply

    Emma

    I am going to point out things that I see you did wrong, for your benefit, not to offend you.

    First, I don’t know why you agreed to go to his house 2 weeks after meeting him. What was the rush? Why couldn’t you say that you feel very glad to have met him but would be better to get to know each other a little more before doing sleep overs.

    Then, if you did decide to leave without having sex (which would of course frustrated him), but it is still your decision. You don’t need to apologize for it. You should not have made such a big deal out of it.

    Then all your explanations about being scared. You barely know this dude! You are not a 16 year old virgin. Why being so timid and so scared? A woman needs to own her emotions.

    You felt things are going too fast, so a little break is not going to change much. If oyu both like each other, things will work out.

    But if you continue to pester him with your apologies and explanations, and promises to “improve” (I cringed at that point), then the guy would be totally turned off. That’s why he ended it with you.

    The good news is that if you actually give him time to think, meaning NOT texting and not calling him, I think he’d come around.

    Do not wear every little emotion on your sleeve and do not explain it to everyone. A man should be able to figure things out. The less you talk about why you do what you do, the more likely they’d pay attention to your every move. LOL

    Do not contact him now. Let it cool off. Then if he contacts you, restart as if nothing happened, be light and sweet. Do not start explaining your fears and apologizing and layering layer after layer of psycho sauce. The dough needs some time to brew a little first.

    #743013 Reply

    Donna

    I don’t agree with Emma. I don’t think he’ll be back. Too much weirdness and drama too soon. Also, when he said she didn’t seem entirely “into” the sex on Sunday and she said that was hurtful – men just don’t like to hear they’ve hurt a woman, it makes them feel like they won’t be able to make her happy, ever. It’s not logical and it’s not fair, but that’s what they jump to.

    He’s gone and you’re best off to let him go. You aren’t ready right now.

    This is a valuable experience because now you know where you are and what you need to work on for yourself so you can get to yourself ready for the right relationship You need to have better boundaries. That was sex way too soon for you – it triggered your self protection instincts. Seems like you’re just kind of going along with the pace a guy sets.

    I agree with Raven that you would be wise to seek therapy. I don’t think you’re going to get over this on your own. You get triggered, and the old behaviors automatically kick in.

    #743014 Reply

    Lane

    Hi Krystal.

    Honestly, that was waaaaay tooooo heavy for someone you barely know.

    I think you need to refrain from ‘home dates’ (sex) until you feel safer with a man, guards are down and fully ready to take that plunge because he’s ready to take that plunge with you too—he wasn’t there yet and your fear threw a major nail strip in the path of your budding courtship.

    We all have walls—it’s a natural human mechanism to guard and protect ourselves from people or situations that could cause us harm. However, once you realize they aren’t the ‘boogeyman” (Ted Bundy type) and a decent guy, you need to start SLOWLY letting your guard down as you pass each milestone and become more comfortable and familiar with each other. This takes TIME (several months) when you’re with someone new but it appears to me that you become attached through sex too eas(ily and would be in your best interest to hold off on that until you feel more secure v. afraid.

    I do agree with Raven in that you may benefit from some help in dealing with the baggage you still carry around from your past relationships—-it’s quite a heavy load to carry and should consider unpacking some of it before you date again :o) Hugs

    #743017 Reply

    Better off single

    The more you keep to yourself and let it play out the better. You’ll realize the past is in the past and the crap you’re dealing with is all a bunch of lies in your head holding yourself back from something that could be amazing.

    #743029 Reply

    lala

    really good advice from Donna

    #743030 Reply

    Donna

    Lala, I think you and I see this the same way. This is an opportunity I hope Krystal won’t miss to stand up for herself and resolve the past pains and move forward to a new level rather than just push the pain down again. Blaming the guy won’t help. Him commenting she didn’t really seem into the sex wasn’t meant as an insult or criticism, it was an honest observation, which happened to be true. She wasn’t 100% ready for it and she shouldn’t have gone along with it.

    We want to be in relationships primarily to be happy, not to fix someone else. He rightly realized this was going to be hard work. If a guy I barely knew told me he was scarred and had his guard up, truthfully, I’d walk away too. Not my fault he got that way and not my job to pay for other people’s sins or be the fixer. That’s the bottom line, no offense meant Krystal. It’s OK to not be ready. Do the work. The right man will come when you’re good with yourself and know you’re safe no matter what someone else does or says.

    #743040 Reply

    P I R

    Confidence. Men are attracted to confidence and smiley women. Not whiny “I’m so broken inside, so I want you to fix it by loving me no matter how much I cry about being scared and scarred and see how whiny I am.”

    “you’re scaring me” is basically what you told the guy. Do you like scaring people? What do you do when you do that to someone? Feel bad about yourself maybe?

    If you’re going to start something off with tragedy don’t expect sunshine and roses.

    If you have your guard up, avoid telling someone it is. Keep that to yourself.

    #743046 Reply

    LaughingAllTheWay

    @BOS must be sober lately. Wonder why she isn’t putting all of these amazing pearls of wisdom to work in her own life…

    #743082 Reply

    Sensy

    I feel you are acting out of fear of losing him. What about your own needs? You should accept his decision and see if he comes back with regret. Frankly, I feel he needs to be more understanding.

    #743105 Reply

    Krystal

    Thanks all to the past people who have been knowing my dating situations… couldn’t agree more in some aspects. Other aspects some girls really need to tone how they perceive thing and go a bit on the attack… like we are all in this together not to bash or put down. I read one comment was like woah but none the less appreciate input. It’s nit his baggage it’s mine. I went to therapy, I worked through a lot doesn’t mean I’m not scared… of course I am. Anxiety it’s part of who I am. And sure I shouldn’t have unloaded all that but I felt bad I held back then wanted to explain myself I guess a little too late. Timing is everything and to tell you the truth I don’t know if he will back. We had a whole bunch in common, even some of his past.. but timing will tell. And yes the psycho sauce needs to simmer down and I’ll be light slow fun if it doesn’t if not keep doing me, friends, inner work..8 just wanted to know thoughts on if you guys think he would . Especially when he wrote I like you now I’m scared then he liked me again with guards now and mine were up. His choice though I offered the raw me and yes I use humor and jokes as my guards to keep everything light fun and friendly. And for the comment of me not being happy and confident. You couldn’t be more wrong. Every aspect of my life is great and balky. Bubbly stupid upbeat personality. So sometimes maybe it’s best to let the people who are emphatic and knowledge speak before jumping to all kinds of conculsions. But thanks guy I read your opinions and just am moving forward, kind of stings becausei miss the deep intamicy in a healthy secure relationship

    #743106 Reply

    Farrah

    Hugs, Krystal.

    I’m sorry about the few people who were harsh. Emma, perhaps reconsider opening with “I”m going to point out what you did wrong…” Really not necessary to talk to anyone like that for any reason. Unhelpful and insulting.

    The first person to have the the healthy, deep, secure relationship with is yourself. You can do it. I like Donna and lala’s advice. I wish you the best.

    #743108 Reply

    Real

    Here’s where I think things went south for you. Instead of taking time to know him and spend time together you rushed to intimacy within two weeks and then caught major feelings for him. Men don’t tend to operate that way. Sex is sex. I do think it totally scared him that after only a month you were looking for some kind of reassurance and commitment from him. You got ahead of him and that’s always a no no. Telling a man it felt too real after only dating him two weeks is problematic if the man has emotionally connected to you. You kinda gave him mixed messages. First you were all in and then you back tracked which can feel really schizophrenic to someone on the receiving end. Agree with others who suggested to keep these fears to yourself. I think he was saying he really likes you but your intensity after only a few weeks was way too heavy for him and he had not yet even decided to make you a girlfriend and here you are telling him how ‘real’ this was feeling.

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