“Ground zero” rules for the forum

[So Let’s See]

A place to come up with “ground zero” rules within the forum of what is acceptable that *everyone* will abide by.

This thread is not a place for drama and rehashing of old posts.

This is a place to start fresh. Contribute good, helpful, smart, fair rules for everyone to follow within this community. If anyone does not follow them from here on out, they will be banned. This is not a place to suggest banning based on previous behavior. It is not a place to suggest changes to technology like forcing people to have a fixed username, or to suggest having moderators. Eric has already addressed those issues and explained they’re on the table, but he wants to try this first.

Here are three basic rules. Add your rules to this thread.

1) No name calling. Off limits are racial slurs and words like: whore, cunt, skank, bitch, troll. (Add other words to this list you think should be off limits.)

2) Do not attack another person’s character.

3) Focus on the OP’s problem, not comments of other advice givers.

[Rose]

Some suggestions, just brainstorming …

5) Do not treat people as if they’re inferior or try to ridicule them

6) Give your objective opinion without expressing disapproval or harsh judgement

7) Respect other people’s ethnicities, backgrounds and traditions

8) Use only one username and stick to it

[Rose]

Sorry it was 4, 5, 6 …

[Carrie]

I would add:

If you do not like someone’s advice, just state your own perspective and do not call that other person out. It takes it away from the OP’s issue and turns into people defending themselves against being called out.

[Kelly]

Sounds good to me :-)

[Ashley]

I think that’s perfect

[Mae]

I think those are perfect for the responders. Maybe we should have some guidelines for the OP as well. (Some of these might already exist, not sure):

1) Be clear about the objective of your post. What question do you want answered? Be mindful of length. Few people have time to read memoirs. Provide as much backstory only as necessary.

2) Please don’t hijack another person’s thread. Start one of your own.

3) Before doing 2 though, please do a search to make sure your questions hasn’t already been answered (this applies if it’s either a more general issue or if someone has a situation that mirrors yours).

4) Please, please please… don’t create a generic post title. There have been many such as: “Need Help,” “Confused,” “WTF?”, “What do I do?” or, “Need Advice!”. Sum up your question (see item 1) in as few words as possible. Think of it as a subject line to an email. Get the reader to want to open.

5) Same rule applies: no foul language unless it adds value or recounts a specific incident. In those cases, use a *. You can get your point across with regular language in most cases.

Thoughts?

[sarita]

very well said

[Sharon]

Suggestion: Don’t double-post. Just “bump” your original question if you don’t feel you’re getting a quick enough response.
Copy/pasting the same question in each category is unnecessary, and confuses those who are trying to respond.

[Lane]

Just posted the below in the last one…was out most of the day and haven’t had time to “catch up”. Some of those stated are good…but will they be “visible” or easily accessible for all to see?

1. Cyberbullying and harassment will not be tolerated on this forum. If anyone engages in repeated harassment, bullying, personal attacks, or any other form of flaming against an Original Poster (OP) or Contributor, you will be banned.

2. All responses to a Topic is to be directed to the OP and framed around the “Topic” for the sole benefit of the OP including positive discussions that may flow from it. If someone has a different opinion than you, then say, “I have a different opinion,” and give yours—address the message, do not attack the messenger.

3. No one is to hijack (take over or convert) an OP’s thread for the purpose of engaging in personal attacks against any Contributor(s) or create arguments that are unrelated to the “Topic” of discussion that may harm, affect, confuse, hurt or force an OP to leave.

4. If you believe the content of a message violates rule no. 1, do not respond to the proposed violator and report the specific “Topic and reply no.” to ___________ so it can be evaluated by ANM who will determine the proper course of action to take if any is warranted.

5. Create one user name and email address for posting on this forum. We will flag those who use numerous names (aliases) and/or emails (IP DNA) to ensure all users are utilizing the forum for the purpose it is solely intended—to answer questions on dating and relationships.

6. This forum is for entertainment purposes only. The contributors are not licensed professionals so if your problem transcends beyond the scope of this forum, you need to seek out those who are specialized in those fields. Those who contribute are regular people from all walks of life so opinions will be varied due to ages, races, nationalities, countries and other factors; providing that information in your initial posting would be helpful to those who are in the best position to offer an opinion.

Thank you for reading and following the ANM Forum Rules and lets all work together to make it an enjoyable place for everyone.

My legal background is probably coming through a bit too much though :-P

The problem is if the “violators” can’t be warned/banned then how effective will they be?

[Reader]

Good job !

When you’ll finish, i think everyone can make a commitment to respect the rules.

A kind of post named: Reply ‘I agree’ to the forum rules if you’re in.

[Eric Charles]

This is great — thank you to everyone who’s pitched in ideas so far. This thread is 100% endorsed by me – keep going and we’ll have the rules in no time.

Let me say this: This thread will establish the official rules… so if you have thoughts, suggestions or concerns, make sure they’re heard now because this is your chance to set the rules for the forum.

Thanks!

[CalLady]

Love the idea and the specifics suggested so far – too many posts recently seem to be descending into name calling and personal attacks. I’ve stopped reading a few that went that way and I suspect others have, which does NOT help the OP to get answers to their problems.

[Eric Charles]

@anonymous2 – this is your warning. If I see you or anyone else talking about specific people on here, I’m going to have to ban you. This thread is progressing on topic and I’m not going to have another thread devolve into bickering and baiting.

So let this be my official statement –

If I see anyone on this thread baiting a fight… they’re banned.
If I see someone taddle-taling about someone on this thread… I’m banning the taddler.
If I see someone on this thread attacking, criticizing or putting down someone else… oh, so so banned.

Actually, heck, let’s make this really simple:

If I see someone talking about anything that isn’t specifically on the topic of coming up with the rules for the forum – they will be banned.

I’m looking forward to the discussion about the RULES (and not Kelly… or Harley… or anyone/anything else)…

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

[Anonymous2]

Sorry Eric. It was meant as an honest question. She had ignored your direct instruction to stop before and there was no penalty for that. I see your points and I will comply.

[maria]

I have a question – will someone who is using someone else’s username and pretends to be them get banned?

[Some made up name]

It’s a great idea to come up with rules for the forum however your threatened consequence (banning the user) is unenforceable! You can’t ban anyone when you don’t have any means of validating the user. I think the best you can do that is actually enforceable would be to delete any posts that violate the stated rules.

[So Let’s See]

I really like all these suggestions! I love how everyone brings something different to the table. Here is a comprehensive list of the rules we’ve posted on this thread, so we can look at it all together and focus on the rules we’ve come up with so far, and think of any more we’d like. There is of course crossover, but I didn’t want to leave anything out (Eric can remove duplicates).

1) No name calling. Off limits are racial slurs and words like: whore, cunt, skank, bitch, troll. (Add other words to this list you think should be off limits.)

2) Do not attack another person’s character.

3) Focus on the OP’s problem, not comments of other advice givers.

4) Do not treat people as if they’re inferior or try to ridicule them

5) Give your objective opinion without expressing disapproval or harsh judgement

6) Respect other people’s ethnicities, backgrounds and traditions

7) Use only one username and stick to it

8) If you do not like someone’s advice, just state your own perspective and do not call that other person out. It takes it away from the OP’s issue and turns into people defending themselves against being called out.

9) Be clear about the objective of your post. What question do you want answered? Be mindful of length. Few people have time to read memoirs. Provide as much backstory only as necessary.

10) Please don’t hijack another person’s thread. Start one of your own.

11) Please do a search to make sure your questions hasn’t already been answered (this applies if it’s either a more general issue or if someone has a situation that mirrors yours).

12) Please, please please… don’t create a generic post title. There have been many such as: “Need Help,” “Confused,” “WTF?”, “What do I do?” or, “Need Advice!”. Sum up your question (see item 1) in as few words as possible. Think of it as a subject line to an email. Get the reader to want to open.

13) Same rule applies: no foul language unless it adds value or recounts a specific incident. In those cases, use a *. You can get your point across with regular language in most cases.

14) Suggestion: Don’t double-post. Just “bump” your original question if you don’t feel you’re getting a quick enough response. Copy/pasting the same question in each category is unnecessary, and confuses those who are trying to respond.

15) Cyberbullying and harassment will not be tolerated on this forum. If anyone engages in repeated harassment, bullying, personal attacks, or any other form of flaming against an Original Poster (OP) or Contributor, you will be banned.

16) All responses to a Topic is to be directed to the OP and framed around the “Topic” for the sole benefit of the OP including positive discussions that may flow from it. If someone has a different opinion than you, then say, “I have a different opinion,” and give yours—address the message, do not attack the messenger.

17) No one is to hijack (take over or convert) an OP’s thread for the purpose of engaging in personal attacks against any Contributor(s) or create arguments that are unrelated to the “Topic” of discussion that may harm, affect, confuse, hurt or force an OP to leave.

18) If you believe the content of a message violates rule no. 1, do not respond to the proposed violator and report the specific “Topic and reply no.” to ___________ so it can be evaluated by ANM who will determine the proper course of action to take if any is warranted.

19) Create one user name and email address for posting on this forum. We will flag those who use numerous names (aliases) and/or emails (IP DNA) to ensure all users are utilizing the forum for the purpose it is solely intended—to answer questions on dating and relationships.

20) This forum is for entertainment purposes only. The contributors are not licensed professionals so if your problem transcends beyond the scope of this forum, you need to seek out those who are specialized in those fields. Those who contribute are regular people from all walks of life so opinions will be varied due to ages, races, nationalities, countries and other factors; providing that information in your initial posting would be helpful to those who are in the best position to offer an opinion.

21) No behavior that is obviously baiting a fight.

22) No criticizing or putting down someone else.

[Serena]

If a login system can’t be implemented to avoid people impersonating others then perhaps you (Eric), make it mandatory to have a photo/avatar of some sort. I believe avatars are individual and cannot be duplicated?

[Khadija]

Hello Eric,
I agree with Maria that a person should be banned if they are using someone elses identity on this forum.

I’ve been on here for months now without a profile picture. I had to add one today because Jessy/Kelly or whoever she was using my identity.

As you mentioned you don’t want to see tattling but, I’m not okay with someone using my name once I’ve politely asked for them to stop.

[Sussane]

I will do the same but not with my real face, feel it’s risky.

[Lane]

I think we need to update one of the rules based on what’s occurring now:

3. No one is to hijack (take over or convert) an OP’s thread OR NAME for the purpose of engaging in personal attacks against any Contributor(s) or create arguments that are unrelated to the “Topic” of discussion that may harm, affect, confuse, hurt or force an OP to leave.

Appears the contributors are having to put up pictures now in order to assure the reader its actually them and not the one’s WE ALL KNOW should have been banned after your first warning to them…its not ending and only escalating in a free for all. I’ve bowed out from contributing until it gets sorted out.

[joan]

I’d suggest that everyone scroll down and look to the right in related articles – 7 rules for dealing with difficult people and read both pages. I returned because I have seen this situation happen with other forums, predictably the same behaviour will continue ad nauseum until rules, that can be enforced by a moderator or a program, are in place. Some sites have programs that automatically filter certain words. The post cannot be entered until the words are removed.

People that enjoy fighting will use any means possible to keep in the fight. Fake names, false accounts, you name it … they will go there. They will find clever new ways to swear at each other. Just google pinterest bitches for some of the most hilarious and vile insults known to man – no computer will catch those words either. My personal favourite is C**t thundering twat waffle – brings tears to my eyes :)

The root of the problem is people frustrated with their unhappy love lives and really desperate to scream at the one that hurt them. Instead they attack any other that reminds them of their situation or has an opinion they dislike. This causes a very addictive, power mad rush, a thrill, a sense of satisfaction that is sadly lacking in their messed up lives.

It’s like road rage. I believe Eric Charles would be better off speaking to professionals that deal with these issues and then just following whatever complies with the law and his own personal beliefs on the matter, formed hopefully from some of the better suggestions here.

Good luck – you’re going to need it and a thick skin to survive :)

[Eric Charles]

@Maria – Yes – you have been heard. I understand how upsetting the fake posters are and I can very easily see who’s doing and ban them. I will do this as soon as the rules are finalized. Again, you have been heard, don’t worry.

@LAGirl – You have no idea about what I think, what I plan to do, what I will do or my reasons for doing (or not doing) anything. Don’t project your ideas onto me, you don’t know what I know or have my perspective. You don’t have the full story, you don’t know what you don’t know.

@Everyone else who is developing the rules in this thread — I’m reading all your messages, I tremendously appreciate them and your rules will become the official (and officially enforced) rules of this community.

I’m fine with being transparent here: I could have banned a lot of people prior to now, but the problem is that when I have wanted to (or said I was going to), people in the forum raised a big stink that I was being unfair.

And that’s fine… frankly, my preference would be to let the community of ADULTS figure it out themselves… but clearly that hasn’t worked either.

So if you as a group establish rules and I make sure that there’s a system in place to ban people based on the rules you establish as a community, then it’s not personal — it’s a self-managed community where everyone adheres to the rules that you set yourselves (or you’re booted).

I have no interest in drama here and no time for it either. This forum is here to help people and to give true contributors a place to contribute to those who are seeking help. With rules in place, there will be swift and severe action towards anyone who’s here to create drama instead of being helpful (amazing that people like this even exist… but it’s reality I guess)…

I will close with a comment from a man named John Carlton:

“Never wrestle with a pig… you’ll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it. You won’t.”

Like I’ve been saying — this is going to be really simple. You guys are going to come up with the rules and then people will be kicked out based on those rules if they violate them. Then everyone will adhere to one standard across the board… sounds great to me.

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Eric Charles.

[someone]

So, does this mean you will now block the one person impersonating established posters?

[Author]

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