Ghosting? Orbiting? Or something more…?


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  • #892277 Reply
    Marina S

    advice needed.

    Long story short i met a guy (28) on social media a few weeks ago, he reached out to me (33), he was respectful and sweet. As things went on we would Facetime, chat, text everyday. Good mornings and good nights and everything in between. We would send pics, flirty and talk about real life things, i felt things were building between us. He said he wanted a more serious situation, and wasn’t looking for hookups. It was complete fluke that we connected and I was starting to care about him for real. He is a carpenter and works very long and difficult hours, I work full time too. Everything was great, he would always initiate contact and see how I was doing, and it was really sweet, until 4 days ago. He went dead silent when it came to me that is. On social media, texts everything, everything I sent him was “delivered” but unread and unanswered. And that’s what is so strange, he has not blocked me, on anything, just is leaving all my messages unread and ignoring me completely like I never existed. I thought oh maybe hes just busy or working, but after 48HRS of this, I realized he was still liking pics on Instagram. So clearly hes not that busy. Its been days now, of this, and not one word from him. Yes my feelings are all over the place and hurt. He was actually supposed to come see me this coming weekend. I know I should feel angry, but I just have very hurt feelings, I mean isnt ghosting, blocking and disappearing? He hasnt done that, its like I no longer exists to him. Nothing at all happened, my last texts to him were “happy 4th of july”….no response. I finally had had enough, I told him via IG, that i was hurt by this, and disappointed he has nothing to say back to me, not one word. I just stupid and lead on. How do you get ghosted or whatever…by someone who liked you first? Then it occurred to me, was it something else. We are both from NY, he is Caucasian and I am black. He says he has dated outside his race before, but I wasn’t sure i believed that. He comes from a very sheltered town and way of life, but who knows. Was it possible, race played a part in this? I’ve never dealt with a situation like that before.

    #892282 Reply
    tammy

    unfortunately this is soooo sooo sooo very common.

    you met liked and got close to a man but it was all virtual. not real. he was most probably never really serious and there is all liklihood of him having lied about many things he told you. with online dating, you have to be very careful. there are all sorts out there and you need to be very picky. what you had was not real. he most probably is not even who he claimed he is. just forget him. if he hasn’t blocked you yet, then you must. and read about online dating. the dos and donts.

    the men you meet, you need to look them up on social media and verify if possible, whether they are who they say they are. and do not get too involved unless you have met them in person. and please do not meet them in their house or yours for the first few times. no need to feel hurt. you got taken in by a fraud. he was never serious just playing around. take this as a lesson, block him and next time please be careful. and remember, no overly long chats, no over sharing of personal info and the biggest thing, till you guys meet in person and hit it off, this is all just a virtual unreal world.

    #892284 Reply
    Maddie

    Did you ever meet in person?

    #892289 Reply
    Marina S

    Maddie, our date was this Saturday. He was gonna come take me out to dinner and a movie in my neighborhood. We are from different boroughs in ny but not too far. He said he was gonna get off work. We are both off Saturdays so that was
    ideal

    #892310 Reply
    Gaia

    I very much doubt race played a role in his behavior at all.
    This is very common for online dating. A lot of men turn out to be pen pals because they are bored, married and lonely, not serious, and a slew of other reasons. It sounds like he bailed when it could possibly become a real thing.

    Things to keep in mind: You didn’t lose anything here. You don’t know this man. You might not have even had chemistry in person. You weren’t even dating yet. Whatever you thought you had was just an illusion you created. Use this as a lesson for weeding out time wasters in the future.

    I can’t tell you how many men just weeded themselves out after I had enough text talk and said “I’m not looking for a pen pal. I’m looking to get to know someone in person.” That either led to an actual date, a few mean/disparaging comments, or never hearing from them again.

    #892479 Reply
    Maddie

    Also doubt it was race. Guys in their 20s in NYC have so many options that the jerky ones treat women like they’re disposable. And some people don’t want to put the effort into dating in another borough. I think you need to chalk this one up to experience and not blame yourself. Try not to get attached next time before you meet IRL, because guys can present themselves way differently online and be total duds in person (or simply crappy people, with behavior like this). My speculation guess is an ex came back into the picture, but he may have always been looking for a pen pal even though he said what you wanted to hear. Either way, it’s not your fault.

    #892559 Reply
    Erin

    People are not always who they claim to be online. Don’t get attached to someone you’ve never met in real life. Also check out their social media for clues on who they really are and how they roll.

    I doubt it’s about race or he wouldn’t have talked to you in the first place.

    People are bored, in serious relationships, anxious, looking for ego boosts and validation and they use dating apps as an outlet or escape.

    When I was still online dating, I had dates which never materialized after the guys talked a good game or guys who just wanted to be pen pals or fading after first date.

    That’s just the hazards of online dating and you need to date by elimination not assimilation.

    The guys who I spoke to who never made follow up plans with dates were happily unmatched and blocked.

    #892610 Reply
    Marina S.

    I really appreciate and the kind words and advice. I just feel so terrible and my feelings were just hurt badly. I’m just disappointed in myself that I was led on. I tried to open myself and heart up and lead with it. I never had any signs that things would go in this direction. But I did block him just this morning, even though he did not block me. This kind of stuff really hurts and to do this to me without any cause is heavy. I just struggle with my own confidence and dating. I really enjoyed my time with this person and I know I didn’t deserve this

    #892665 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    It sucks, but try to take it as a learning experience. You shouldn’t get super attached or have deep talks with guys you have not met. It’s just setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s very easy to build up a fantasy and personal attachment to someone over virtual plaforms, but until you meet in person and see if you have chemistry, it’s all just a fantasy.

    So when you connect with a guy your focus should be on setting up an in-person date as soon as possible– even just a walk in the park, or a coffee– anything to have face-to-face interaction. A guy who will not agree to that is wasting your time. And unfortunately there are a lot of time-wasters out there.

    I know the pain is very real! I’m sorry you’re going through it. You’re right, you didn’t deserve it; and it’s about him, not you. There’s nothing you did wrong. It’s good that you blocked him, so you can move on. Don’t let this hurt your confidence in dating. If anything, try to look at it like this: it shows that there are guys out there you click with and are capable of bonding with. This one guy is not the end all, be all. There are other guys out there! You will find them, and meet them. Allow yourself some time to get over this, but don’t let it crush your confidence.

    #892671 Reply
    Marina S

    Liz, thank you for your find words. It really means a lot

    #892672 Reply
    Marina S

    Liz, thank you for your kind words. It really means a lot :)

    #892827 Reply
    T from NY

    Marina I know it stings – we’ve all been there with d-bags that treat us like we’re disposable. There may come a time you will feel GRATEFUL when a man shows you who they are early on. Please always believe it when someone shows you! And I promise if you get to loving yourself, really investing time in yourself, get confident and in-love with yourself – it will sting much less.

    Think of dating as not MOSTLY about finding love. Dating mostly is learning about others, watching and seeing what the man is about, how he treats you, if he is worthy of you. It’s about learning about yourself, learning what triggers you might have, what baggage you need to stop unloading on dudes, what you like! What you like more! What you don’t like, etc.

    Friendship, love and a relationship are just happy consequences that sometimes happen from being brave enough to go on the dating journey. Those interludes can be long-term or fleeting. Developing a relationship with yourself has life long-term positive, peaceful, beautiful effects that last FOREVER. Be still. Feel your feelings. Get stronger. Go back at it. He’s one teensy tiny fish in the sea of men you’ll have in your life.

    #893768 Reply
    Marina S

    FYI just as an update, today was supposed to be our first date. But he chose to ghost, and go surfing and enjoying himself, so carefree like nothing happened at all, people really suck, I have too much of a conscience and could never treat somebody badly and act like nothing. Maybe I’m just sensitive but I’m glad I dodged a s***ty person because that’s not the kind of guy I want around me ever. Leading someone one, then ghosting is a terrible and cowardly act. And yes. I will never reach out to him ever again in this life, and he’s he is blocked.

    #894734 Reply
    Ewa

    the thing to remember about men is that they do not get attached to someone over text, we as women see it as a validation ,that someone cares, think about us etc but men don’t… in fact if you meet a guy who texts a lot, send you good morning , goodnight texts before he even seen you in person, don’t engage with him. You really don’t want to be dating guys who are constantly texting because it means they are used to doing it and probably do that with a lot of women.
    Men get attached by spending time with someone never over text

    #922788 Reply
    Rhona

    Causally dated a guy last year – -he ignored several texts for a while. I sent him an article about ghosting – no reply.

    We reconnected again in the spring and had a good several dates…. he only responded to simple texts like “good morning” when he wanted and often said he missed it or was tied up at work. In August we texted/talked 4/week, but never made plans. I invited to take him out for his bday, but he couldn’t make it.

    In Sept, i sent several texts, including an invite to meet me after a biz meeting. No response.

    We’ve never talked about our relationship, i’ve never asked him where we stood, so no pressure, but have not heard from him

    Am i being ghosted?

    #922797 Reply
    Gaia

    Rhona-
    No, you weren’t ghosted since you didn’t have a relationship. He just isn’t interested. Move on to someone new.

    #922821 Reply
    Rhona

    Thanks Gaia,

    We did have something — dinners out, movies at my house, great romance, he helped me a lot with house stuff. We talked every night

    At a minimum, we were friends and shared stuff about our lives.
    I understand for whatever reason he’s not interested, what i dont get is why he could tell me something, anything, but just ignore my contact.

    #922841 Reply
    Raven

    Because @Rhona, he’s a turd…

    Most likely already has a GF. Please don’t contact him any more & remove him from your contacts list…

    #922854 Reply
    Maddie

    What Raven said is a possibility. And again, having nothing to do with you, he may just be an immature communicator and so conflict avoidant that he feels it’s easier for him to ghost and not deal with the consequences of telling you anything directly. Hoping you’ll take a hint instead, and he’ll never need to deal with it. It’s not on you if he’s going to be a jerk and ghost instead of sending you two polite sentences about how dating isn’t working for him. But you unfortunately have to deal with the consequences and do extra emotional labor as a result, which is not blaming yourself for his shortcomings, accepting them without giving him extra brainspace he doesn’t deserve since he acted like a jerk, and creating your own closure. He’s not your friend, he’d be a turd even if it wasn’t romantic or intimate. As Raven said, remove him from your contacts.

    I would recommend taking away from this experience that when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. He did the same thing before, then you reconnected, and he did the same thing again. I’ve never reconnected with someone romantically (even just a seemingly missed hook up connection!) who didn’t later repeat whatever the issue was that led to losing touch or breaking up in the first place. Someone who acts casual then disappears? Probably happy with playing games and being in and out of people’s lives on their own terms, keeping women on the hook who will put up with his inconsistency and lack of commitment. If you’re looking for more, don’t tolerate a guy who is this way. Choosing who you want to spend your time with and effort on is the part you can control.

    #923143 Reply
    Rhona

    Thanks all – well said. Great advice!

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