This topic contains 44 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Emma 3 months, 4 weeks ago.
April 22, 2019 at 9:59 am #746972
Hey everyone, I feel kind of confused and hurt right now and need advice.
I met a guy in his mid-thirties on a dating app (I’m 30). We hit it off right away and had some great chats. We didn’t text obsessively, but we did send messages each day. After about a week, we asked me out and we went out on Saturday. Everything went great, we had a nice meal and went to a bar for a drink after. We spoke about a lot of things and laughed, no bad moments and we kissed once before heading to our homes. When we got home, he texted making sure I got back ok and then we said goodnight. The next morning, he asked me how I felt about things and I said I had a nice time. He said our intentions for what we want are aligned and asked me out again for later this week. I said sure!
Shortly after that, he went silent which was fine. I knew we both had family plans that day. After 6 hours I texted him saying I hope he had a good day and goodnight. He texted me back the same (within 5 minutes so I know he had his phone during that time.)
This morning he sent me no texts and hadnt been online in 10 hours. That is slightly out of the ordinary for him but whatever. I texted him a silly good morning text and mentioned a TV show we both like and he quickly looked at it but did not reply and hasn’t been online again. That was about 2 hours ago. Normally we text at least a little each morning.
Anyway, I feel confused. Why would he start to ghost me right after asking me out again? And after a great date? We had tons in common and nothing weird happened in our interactions. Should I say something? Should I go quiet? I find this waiting to be very annoying.April 22, 2019 at 10:11 am #746974
“He said our intentions for what we want are aligned… ”
Men will say absolutely anything that they think will move them even a millimetre towards their real goal:intercourse.
Men are solely and incorrigibly interested in sex and not remotely interested in anything else.April 22, 2019 at 10:15 am #746975
Leave him alone. It was one date. Did he set actual second date?April 22, 2019 at 10:20 am #746977
You are way too much…
Give the guy a break and let him chase when he has a spare moment…. he might just be busy w life…
Huge turn off to me how you behaved…desperateApril 22, 2019 at 10:20 am #746976
Yes, he set a date for Wednesday night and I accepted.April 22, 2019 at 10:21 am #746978
@Sisi? How I behaved? By doing what? Sending one ‘good morning’ text to him and saying nothing else? LOL you’re crazy…April 22, 2019 at 10:25 am #746979
Don’t worry Lilia, Sisi’s just been dumped by someone she’s been seeing for 8 months and she didn’t even find him attractive. Because that’s not at all desperate.April 22, 2019 at 10:27 am #746980
It’s just what they do. He may or may not pop back up.
But you will drive yourself nuts with all the tracking, was he online, did he get my text.
I mean, it is very annoying when they “halfway” make plans, and what you need to do is when he asks “do you want to go out later this week”, in the future, say “yes, when and where?”April 22, 2019 at 10:32 am #746981
@anon this could have been my fault? He asked if I would like for him to come to my side of town on Wednesday and I was like “yeah sure!” but I didnt set a place to meet or a time. I just figured I would talk about it with him later in the week. Now since he has been distant (for like 22 hours which I know feels silly but I am intuitive and I can tell when things shift) I certainly don’t feel ok to like ask him if he wants to come to my side of town and to a specific restaurant? You know?April 22, 2019 at 10:35 am #746982
In the future, lock down the details when he asks not after the fact. Let him lead right now. If he confirms within a reasonable amount of time, go, but otherwise don’t contact him again. You’ve initiated twice now. He knows you’re interested.April 22, 2019 at 10:41 am #746983
He’s not ghosting you, he’s just reduced the frequency of chit chat down to a more normal level now he’s got you locked down to a second date.
Be calm! Go about your life as you were! Be independent, interesting; not hanging around waiting for his text…April 22, 2019 at 10:50 am #746984
It’s nobody’s “fault”. The reason I make concrete plans when a guy suggests we hang out is that I feel that they are more likely to communicate if they have a day/time/place. And if they won’t commit to a day/time and place, I know the interest level is low. So my way is to set up the date, then confirm day of, and I don’t worry about communication in between.
It’s kind of forcing their hand on their level of interest. Usually a man is LOATHE to fully let go of an attractive women that they had one good date with, even if they aren’t really feeling it. Basically, they don’t want to give up *potential* easy sex.
That said, your guy is super lazy, usually they’ll take the 5 seconds to lob a Good Morning text your way to stay on the radar.April 22, 2019 at 10:53 am #746985
Op – you sent him 2 text within a 1-2 days after your first date… that is too much… you are killing your own attraction in his eyes…
Wut – sorry to disappoint you, but my BF is still around, telling he still loves me and wants to work things out….April 22, 2019 at 10:57 am #746986
@anon, you have great advice and I need to chill. I have initiated twice now and its been three hours and still no GM text! Knowing he has read it bothers me. Anyway my best friend invited me out for drinks Wednesday and if I don’t hear from this guy all day, I’m going to just plan to go out with her and not him.
I can’t say he is lazy. He arranged and made a reservation for the first date, arranged and set up the bar plan for the second HALF of the first date. Made sure I got home and initiated the second date plans, so I feel there might be something up. I just don’t know really. I will say there have been times where he won’t reply until noon and I’ve thought nothing of it. Also times where he has gone hours between texts but I admit I give too much thought to things after a good date. I’m 50/50 I will hear from him again.April 22, 2019 at 11:01 am #746987
It’s not a date if you don’t have specific plans. Just because ugh it was a good date doesn’t mean he did. Men tend to live in thr moment and he may have decided he isn’t interested in seeing you again or he has someone else he is interested in. Thr fact you are actually counting hours he hasn’t been in touch shows you are too invested. It was only one date. You need to go quiet and see if he initiates. And no, you don’t say anything. You are starting to act like a girlfriend. It’s ok not to speak to a guy for a few days.April 22, 2019 at 11:05 am #746988
A very similar thing happened to me in February. A guy was obsessively texting for a week, great date (although he tried to sleep with me that night and tried to fool around in my car with me WAY too long) and then got distant the next day. Unlike this case he had never made second date plans with me but I called him out and he basically said he only wanted to have sex. Jerk.
Anyway, what is the texting supposed to be like after a first date? In my prior relationships, he was texting a lot after the meeting and nothing dies down after the date…April 22, 2019 at 11:12 am #746993
He has the right to not want to see you again. It was only one date. You are like most women in that you think just because you had a great time, the man feels the same way. He may or may not. You need to be talking to other guys and not be so focused on this one. There are no guidelines for texting after a first date. Texting doesn’t even show high interest. Taking you on dates does. You should be more worried about the fact he hasn’t finalized the Wednesday date and not about a good morning text.sit tight and see what happens.April 22, 2019 at 11:19 am #746995
I completely disagree that you were ghosted. In fact the opposite. Hes contacting you and has asked you out for Wednesday.
So assume hes a gentleman and you will hear from him very soon to finalize plans.
You are already pissed because hes not enveloping you with attention. Hes being practical and sensible.
You are throwing up a big red flag but being so intense.
It would be rude to deliberately make plans with your friends for Wednesday when you have accepted a date.
If you feel upset and rejected at this early stage, because hes not texting constantly then you are too …….
Something.April 22, 2019 at 11:22 am #746998
Don’t listen to Sisi: there’s nothing wrong in showing a guy you’re interested! It’s not like you bombarded him with text messages since the date.
I don’t know what’s going on with him but I hear you and I don’t think it’s acceptable behaviour. I’m intuitive like you, when I think something is off it always is. If by mid-day tomorrow, you still haven’t heard from him, I would tell him you have made other plans since he went all radio-silent. If he gets offended or upset, that’s on him. I used to let men get away with that sort of behaviour because they love-bombed me the rest of the time, making me all confused. Those who were acting this way early on all ended up disappearing on me after months of dating. NOT FUN. Avoid that situation for yourself with this guy.April 22, 2019 at 11:22 am #746999
good luck :)
It was one date, give him time to miss you and wonder what you’re up to. ;) Right now you’re too much of an open book — as in the first chapter is all about how you’re waiting around for him to respond. That’s not really very sexy but we all learn.
I’d just continue with life as is and date others (he is on a dating app rigth? so he may be seeing other people too.) and if he gets back to you the day before your second date, then great! If he texts/calls you the morning of, I’d be a bit annoyed. But that’s my timeline and deadlines — do what feels right for you. Just don’t be a doormat or too available, it’s not a turn on and guys interpret that as pressure (which is ridiculous, but nonethless….)April 22, 2019 at 11:28 am #747004
Karen… please relax… nowhere did I suggest he didn’t “have the right” not to see me again. I was WONDERING if anyone had insight because he seemed eager yesterday to make another date and now seems quiet. Not sure why are so eager to make seem like he had a bad evening. He asked me out again which would point to him having a decent night. Maybe not. But you’d think he would not ask again if he didn’t like the date.April 22, 2019 at 11:28 am #747005
“Unlike this case he had never made second date plans with me but I called him out and he basically said he only wanted to have sex. Jerk.”
PLEASE don’t call guys out for being honest. He’s not a jerk. He’s honest.
The more he gets called out, the more he is going to lie about his intentions to the next woman.April 22, 2019 at 11:41 am #747007
@anon I said “basically” because it boiled down to that. He wasn’t up front with me. I would have respected that. After many days and lots of lies he came up with a BS story. He’d also ghosted me 4 months prior and I forgave him only for him to do it again. He was a jerk but not because he wanted casual sex.April 22, 2019 at 11:45 am #747009
Im going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt until tonight. I know he can spare 2 minutes to say hello or tell me he isn’t interested. If he doesn’t text me all day then his silence is a big message in and of itself. I hope you guys are right and he contacts me either way so I’m not waiting. But noon and nothing so far… *eye roll* I would rather just not hear from him after the first date.April 22, 2019 at 11:47 am #747010
So this same dude has stood you up before?