This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Betty 10 months ago.
November 21, 2017 at 3:41 am #668172
I’ve posted on here recently a few times. Basically been with my boyfriend for four months, met his daughter, even stayed over whilst she was there. Saw each other twice a week but I noticed contact between meets was getting less and then he basically made plans to meet, and I never heard from him. So two weeks later, I messaged him letting him know the impact his ghosting has had. He responded with
Yeah sorry never intended to let you down it’s just I had been with you for quite a while now and you are a lovely lady all round but I’m not getting any of those feelings I should get when you have been with someone this long. It’s hard to put into words. Very hard to explain that why I have and are finding it hard say it face to face. Sorry for messing you about it wasn’t my intention and I was really hoping to get feelings for you but it’s just not happening…. Sorry
I literally feel crushed.November 21, 2017 at 3:49 am #668173
He’s a twat to have ghosted you in the first place. Clearly didnt have the courage to do the right thing. But at least now that you confronted him, he did. He broke it off with you and did so clearly and respectfully. Wish him well, and go on with your life. Ps. Were you really that in love with him? Is the devastation youre feeling not more of a ego crush? I promise, you will be fineNovember 21, 2017 at 4:11 am #668182
why even bother messaging someone who just ghosted you. did that helpNovember 21, 2017 at 4:56 am #668187
Thank you Henriette. I was starting to fall for him. You’re right he is a coward I know one day I’ll see him for what he is, I just had no idea he was ‘trying’ to like me. It all seemed so real.
@gotdamn, it has helped. For these last two weeks I’ve been wondering if he’s gonna get in touch, turn up at my door maybe his daughter has been sick. I also wanted him to know the affect this has when you just bounce out of someone’s life. I am heart broken, but now I know he never liked me in the first place. There’s no way we could ever rekindle something now, so at least it’s killed it for me..DEAD. XxNovember 21, 2017 at 5:44 am #668194
I’m mixed on this. In the days before instant messaging, if you were seeing someone and he started to contact you less, date you less, you usually just mutually faded away. Especially in such short term dating situations. I don’t ever recall trying to chase someone down after a few months of dating if things seemed to be fizzling out, people seem too sensitive these days and entitled or something that just because you start dating and liking someone they should feel the same way. In the age of fb, email, texting, phone, Skype, IG etc., it’s very unlikely someone stops talking to you because they died in a crash or have a sick kid. If you were important enough to communicate with before chances are that person made a conscious decision to back away. I realize it hurts, but also believe that many times there are cues that women simply miss. In the early days a man increases his level of contact not decreases it. And by now anyone reading on here should be uncannily aware that men usually make the decision to stay or go within two to five months. And while it hurts, this is the process of dating. It takes about that long and many dates to decide if you really want to move forward with that person. Keep expectations low in the early dating stages. And keep your options open. And while most women want the answer as to why a man moved on… they usually never feel any better when they get it.November 21, 2017 at 6:04 am #668197
Pammy, thank you. As pathetic as it is, I did invest too much into him. It was a very strange situation because whilst the contact between meetings became less, he made sure I was introduced to his daughter, just last month! I met her maybe five times, and always left to go home at the end of the evening. Then just before he ghosted, I stayed over whilst she was there, we all went for breakfast together and I stayed over another two nights. One night (the last time I saw her) all three of us were up till 1am dancing in his front room. She constantly texted me and we were forming a relationship. Now she’s cut me off too (obvs her dads had a wotd with her). So can you see how I had no idea he wasn’t serious about me? Or am I missing something?November 21, 2017 at 9:04 am #668219
Hard to hear, but he was honest. I have learned that what women feel when dating a guy in the early stages usually is opposite to what the guy feels.
I have also learned it’s best to keep expectations low and keep my feelings and emotions to myself.
When a guy is interested he will do the chasing, he will let you know how he feels in his words and actions.
After you get over your feelings of rejection you will feel better, and hope this is a start where you will be very cautious with the next man you date.
He was wrong for ghosting, but he was honest in letting you know where he standsNovember 21, 2017 at 9:58 am #668229
T from NY
I too appreciate his honesty. He probably had initial good/great feelings, was foolish enough to introduce you to his child (too early in my opinion) and then wanted to see it through. I found what he wrote very genuine – it is very difficult to hurt someone you’ve been dating and especially if you think they are a sweet/good person.
And the term ghosting is way too overused on this forum. The term is more for people who literally just disappear – no word, no explanation, leaving you completely in the dark. You said this man was fading to begin with and then stood you up. That was him being a coward and FADING. If he had truly ghosted you — you would have received NO response to this last text. He responded now because enough time had passed where he felt safe enough to share his feelings and because he probably did have an immense amount of guilt for not being more forthright.
Also just wanted to mention — it is SO difficult for us ladies, because literally the way we work is — dating 2-5 months means we are REALLY starting to like the guy. Whereas for men, dating 2-5 months is what it takes to FIGURE OUT if they really like the woman. Next go round just remember it doesn’t matter how in to you a man acts, what they say, what they do, until TIME has passed and INCREASED communication and shared time face to face occurs.
Im sorry this did not work out. But I am glad he let you know (finally) what you knew all along.November 21, 2017 at 10:34 am #668245
In the days before instant messaging, if you were seeing someone and he started to contact you less, date you less, you usually just mutually faded away. Especially in such short term dating situations. I don’t ever recall trying to chase someone down after a few months of dating if things seemed to be fizzling out, people seem too sensitive these days and entitled or something that just because you start dating and liking someone they should feel the same way
That’s exactly how I remember it! You just got the hint and moved on if he stopped contacting you. If you made excuses not to see him, he got the hint and moved on. No one saw it as ghosting because it’s just what happened. You just stopped spending time together.
I am sorry this happened. At least he was honest I guess.November 21, 2017 at 11:18 am #668254
His feelings are valid… but what he did was wrong. I’m not buying this “at least he was honest” stuff. He only told you the truth because you dragged it out of him. In fact, to avoid being honest, he stood you up and vanished for two weeks. That’s not ok. He knew you had feelings. He knew you’d be upset and confused, yet he chose to do this.
Dating someone consistently for 4 months, introducing them to your kids, integrating them into your life, you don’t just blow them off and disappear. I’d be pissed if I were you. I wouldn’t give him another chance even if he begged.November 21, 2017 at 12:31 pm #668274
Thank you for your help and insight on this. I will make sure I keep my guard well up for at least six months with the next guy. I will learn from this. Yes, the communication between meetings was getting less, but the part I got confused over was the whole daughter thing. I know this is over, and I accept that so no amount of wondering will change anything. So I’ve had my pyjama day today, ice cream and a bath. The tears have flowed, but I’ll be damned if I give him any more of my head space as of tomorrow.
Thanks again all xNovember 23, 2017 at 1:41 pm #668741
Ow sweetheart… we’ve all been there. Chin up my lovely- he probably thought there was no eastern way and therefore just stopped contacting hoping you’d get it, and not realising how bad you’d feel and that you’d still be holding hope till he actually told really let you know.
He did like you a lot, I’ve no doubt, but it wasn’t turning into more. If he felt nothing for you, having ghosted you he wouldn’t have messaged you back, likely would have blocked you etc. he didn’t do those things so see it for what it is- on his side it didn’t develop And he was being a child and closing his eyes hoping he wouldn’t have to deal with it.
At least you now know where you stand- there’s no possibility of moving forward with him- brush yourself off and dig deep with no contact so you can get over it. Good luckNovember 23, 2017 at 2:16 pm #668748
So sorry, Jo. I would have been really confused too, since people don’t (or shouldn’t) introduce their children unless it feels like the relationship is going somewhere.November 23, 2017 at 3:06 pm #668755
Texting his kid was a sneaky way to work your way into his life. I personally would not text a kid. I have a life, don’t need to text childrenNovember 23, 2017 at 3:19 pm #668756
The kid was texting HER. And I believe it was a teenager. In any case, it would be rude not to reply.November 23, 2017 at 8:33 pm #668781
I so preferred the older ways of dating!!! Women are taking early dating far too literal and serious IMO. he early days are considered a trial period whereas either party is free to date, meet others, and stop seeing others. Its based on infatuation with the possibility or potential of it turning into something deeper and lasting if BOTH are feeling them; however majority don’t pan out because one or both parties can’t reach that level of love and devotion and bow out.
With most of my dates/BF’s my expectations were very low and wasn’t surprised or sad if it ended because I wasn’t thinking in terms of spending my life with them. The only one I would consider that with is the one I’m still together with for at least two to three years and our love continues to deepen to the point neither of us have any desire to be with another.
I know it stings a bit at first as it feels like a kick to the ego however if you take the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ approach. I do this by envisioning myself in my car, looking in the rearview mirror, do a final wave good bye, look forward, punch the gas and keep moving forward. For some odd reason this visual has really helped me move on quicker and faster.November 24, 2017 at 12:13 pm #668874
Thanks Honeypie. That means a lot. I have deleted all numbers etc and now he’s told me that, I certainly will not be speaking to him again. Just leaves me feeling like there’s something wrong with me, but I’m trying not to think like that.
Mama..his child is 16 and disabled. She has an obsessive personality and the mental age of 13. Yes she messaged me non stop about how ugly and fat she thinks she is, so I was helping her with her self esteem issues and all I wanted to do was make her feel happy. I wouldn’t have done anything different with her. It was not a way to get at him, as she was constantly making contact with me. That’s not how I operate.
Lane..you’re always so full of great advice. I will do the rear view mirror thing.
I’m off out tonight..there are 10 of us, all single and ready to mingle! Thanks again ladies ❤️❤️November 24, 2017 at 3:20 pm #668899
Give this guy an A+ for his honesty and compassion. Ok so maybe he just disappeared but he did what he felt was right and when u called him onnit, he responded diplomatically. Breaking up with a woman is very difficult for most guys. He spoke his heart. Try to respect him for that. It’s not his fault that he didn’t catch feelings for u.