This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ewa 1 month ago.
May 14, 2022 at 10:42 am #933466
I think I already know the answer but I need to hear from others experience. I started dating a guy about 4/5 weeks ago and we have spent many nights together and dates etc. I was away the week before last on holiday and we saw each other the night I got back. Everything was great.we would frequently talk through the day and it just felt easy compared to some other dating experiences.
So our last date we spent in a hotel room, and spent the following morning together then both went to work. I didn’t really hear from but we were both really busy with work so I didn’t think anything. We had a few texts back and forward all good and normal then he just left my last message on delivered.
Didn’t make it a thing because I didn’t think it was, assumed he was busy. I two days later I asked him if he was ok because I hadn’t heard a thing from him and he rang me straight and was like no everything great with us I’ve just had a bad day. He text me later that night, again all normal and that was the last Ild heard from him.
He has ignored my message and calls and obviously I’m upset and pretty certain it’s done. I text him describing that we wouldn’t work if we couldn’t even communicate.
It’s been five days since and he hasn’t even read any of my messages but he has definitely got his phone.
I think im in genuine shock, I’ve been ghosted before but not with someone I was intimate and sleeping with. I’ve sent him more messages than I would of liked but initially I was just really worried about him because it’s so out of character to what I knew of him. Honestly if he wasn’t into it suddenly that’s fine but just have the decency to tell me….
So current situ – it’s been five days, the last thing he said to me was everything is great with us. He hasn’t read any of my messages and I’m feeling pretty used and upset that he wouldn’t just say I need some space or that he’s not feeling it.
Should I expect to ever find out what happened or why he has no regards for my feelings 😔. And yes I know we hadn’t been dating for long but in terms of the time we had together it was pretty intense and honestly I feel like I knew him better than guys Ild been dating for monthsMay 14, 2022 at 3:34 pm #933490
T from NY
The advice I’m going to give you is for YOU. Screw this manolescent who isn’t evolved enough to communicate with you what’s going on with him. I’d bet good money HE may not even know what’s going on with him. Or he knows exactly, but is doing it anyway. You don’t want either of that kind of person, weak or cruel, in your life.
So for you I’ll say what I know to be true – a relationship that bursts into your life and makes you feel all familial, like you’ve “known them for so long” – is usually someone who is reminding us of our parents and wounds from our childhood and is like a comet – one that burns white hot, then dissipates pretty quickly. Those can be significant experiences because they make us “FEEL”, but should not be confused with someone we make an actual partnership with. So give yourself the GRACE of sitting in your discomfort that someone has given you a gift (one that hurts), but a gift all the same, of showing you who they are, how little they can offer you, how little they are worthy of you, so quickly. Thank you sir, you can say to yourself, while gently releasing him back to the universe.
THEN. Sit with the parallel feelings of disappointment and sadness, while also remembering how fun it was and how tender for a moment. How disrespected you feel, while also how thrilling the physical aspect may have been. What women tend to want to do when they are feeling duality of feelings is to ACT. To try and riddle out a man. Resist the urge to waste your precious time. Tend to you. Resolve within yourself again how worthy you are of good treatment. Never give a ghoster an audience if they return. And move forward by being present and attending to your needs. Life was good before. It is good now. All will be well, and better off without a tepid man in your space.May 14, 2022 at 4:05 pm #933491
Agree with T. It doesn’t feel good at all, but at least you found out early that this is the kind of person he is. Either he’s okay with ghosting after intimacy OR something really did happen in his life that he’s overwhelmed with, but he’s the kind of person to not even bother to talk to you in bad times! Neither makes a good partner. I am sorry, and the same thing type of thing has happened to me with guys who were really intense really quickly. I’ve learned that’s often actually a red flag, but it took a lot of experience to learn that so don’t get down on yourself about this. Just consider yourself lucky he showed his true colors as quickly as he did. Again, whether or not it’s malicious or simply immature, either are bad qualities in a serious partner. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to recover!May 15, 2022 at 10:47 am #933510
A guy can see your messages coming in on the “notifications” on his phone and read them there. They will continue to show as unread on the app.
It seems like there was a good amount of sex happening with him for the last 4/5 weeks. You said:
“So our last date we spent in a hotel room, and spent the following morning together then both went to work.”
Know this: Sex and love have nothing to do with each other for a man.
And for a woman, sex powerfully pushes a woman’s “love buttons”.
A woman will feel an enormous, overwhelming cascade of emotions from sex. Some explosive and profound. Some subtle and building. Some invisible and unnerving.
The point of these emotions (from a nature standpoint) is to encourage the woman to pair bond with this man, as she might be carrying his children.
Men, on the other hand, do not have this biological, emotional reaction.
For a man, sex is just sex. It’s great, there’s a continuous appetite for it, but it doesn’t trigger love feeling for a man. Not even “ongoing sex” like I’ve seen some sources try to imply.
What pushes a man’s “love buttons” with a woman happens outside the bedroom.
My point in bringing this up is that it can seem impossible to imagine that you feel so much of a connection to him for him to not feel anything for you in return.
But for a man, sex is just sex. It doesn’t push his love buttons.
So for him not to feel anything isn’t a surprise at all.
It’s not because he’s immature. It’s not because he’s a narcissist or sociopath. It’s not because he’s a commitmentphobe.
Sex doesn’t push a man’s love buttons.
Ghosting is shitty, it’s true.
I don’t like it, but it happens.
Be that as it may, you need a different way to look at relationships. You need a different way to evaluate how things are going and the relationship progress and potential.
When I look at this, it really sounds like this man had the rest of his life to deal with and then, when he saw you, it was like an escape away from his life.
So in a sense, his time with you was kind of like an accessory or satellite outside of his life.
The true progress of a relationship with a man is where you are in terms of being a part of his life and world.
It’s not a race, this happens gradually.
But it happens every time he drops the mask and shares what’s actually going on in his life at the moment. What’s he working on, what’s he dealing with, what’s challenging him, what has him motivated, what’s inspiring him right now?
See… women generally believe that men are clueless when it comes to relationships. And that belief is to a woman’s detriment.
Because… if a man is good at any part of a relationship, it’s the beginning part where he plays the perfect part from the moment you meet him up through when you’re sleeping with him.
If you’re dazzled and enamored with him, you’re really just getting excited about his “mask” or “performance”.
That’s not to say he’s lying to you. He is expressing a part of himself to you, but it’s the polished, buttoned-up, “advertisement” of himself.
It’s not the full person, it’s an outside layer. It’s his social “mask”.
And it makes sense that a man should have this. It is unwise for a man to walk around the world vulnerable with his heart exposed.
But if you don’t know this about men, you’ll spend the beginning of the relationship interacting with his mask, never touching his heart or his life.
The mask is for his protection. He’s able to go out and be social without getting his heart broken.
And men don’t do well with heartbreak. In fact, there are higher suicide rates for men versus women at the end of relationships.
Men aren’t heartless, they have vulnerable, sensitive hearts. Therefore, they have excellent masks to protect those hearts!
If you are dazzled and excited by his mask, you’ll take the ride thinking you’re on the way into a relationship. You’ll think there’s a connection forming.
Meanwhile, his heart isn’t touched at all. He has his life… where he has his fears, failures, frustrations, aspirations, inspiration, etc.
And then he has you, getting all excited about his “mask” and the sex.
That’s not to say that he has negative feelings towards you. He probably thinks you’re a perfectly nice person.
But there’s no overlap between the two areas.
And sooner or later, then novelty of the sex winds down. That’s not a problem in a relationsihp, there’s plenty more to sex than just novelty, so that’s OK.
But then there’s the whole mask thing… see, sooner or later, the bag of tricks runs out. There’s no more “mask”… sooner or later it’s just him, the man.
And that man has the whole rest of his life to deal with.
These “ghosting” incidents tend to happen after the novelty has run down, she’s only interacted with his mask and then his life starts getting more demanding.
He feels the emotional overwhelm of his life and he goes to deal with that.
When he’s stressed or overwhelmed, he can’t simultaneously uphold his “mask” to you, so he opts to go silent.
Then you feel something’s wrong and start texting him, wanting reassurance from him.
He feels this is another source of pressure since, after all, you don’t really know him at all. You know his mask.
And on top of that, he’s got a problem on his hands to deal with, so his attention continues to be on solving the problem at hand.
To make matters worse, because the whole time so far had been spent interacting with his mask and having sex, you never touched his heart. You never began the process of getting to understand the real man underneath.
So when he’s feeling stressed, he’s not going to open up to you. He won’t bother because in his male-logic, he’ll feel that you never really “got him” anyway…
Again this is odd logic to hear, but his male rationale would be that if you actually understood who he really was, you wouldn’t have only interacted with him on “mask level”.
You would have had interactions that ignored the mask and drilled deeper to where the real man is, where his actual feelings are… his fears, failures, frustrations, aspirations, inspiration, motivation, passion, dreams, etc.
It’s the stuff that he doesn’t have an instant great answer for. It’s the places where he’s not polished; he’s raw, rough, crude, off-balance, messy, etc.
You may have felt a closeness to him, like you knew him deeply and had an incredible connection, but that’s what you felt on your side. If you weren’t interacting with the real, raw man underneath, then he felt no kind of connection like this.
To put a bow on this, you said towards the end:
“it’s so out of character to what I knew of him.”
Yes, that’s exactly it. You knew the mask of him. There’s the mask and the man underneath. If you don’t interact with the man underneath, you won’t really know him.
Then when life boils up and emotionally overwhelms him, he will act “out of character” because the “character” you know is the mask version of him and he needs to go deal with his actual life as the actual person he is… he can’t uphold the mask version at that time.May 15, 2022 at 4:36 pm #933543
Fascinating and valuable info and explanations from Eric here. It rings so absolutely true as I re-evalulate my old “relationships” and dating experiences. Thanks Eric, if women on here can “get” what you are saying and adapt their actions and mind set, they will have a much better chance to have a real/true relationship. As I finally found.May 15, 2022 at 5:38 pm #933544
Eric Charles, I really appreciate your detailed answer. Is there anything Liz could do to re-establish contact with her guy? Or do nothing but walk away? :(
Hey, Liz. Sorry for piggybacking on your post. I’m in a somewhat similar situation to yours. Dating a widower close to 8 weeks now, but noticed he started pulling away at 5 weeks. We still text daily, albeit to a lesser extent (once a day).
I did confront my guy, and he was honest enough to share he was unsure if he could commit to a long-term relationship due to my situation – single mom with a special needs child.
I have experienced some raw connections with him where he shared his actual feelings… his fears, failures, frustrations, aspirations, inspiration, motivation, etc. and he did say he felt completely as ease opening up to me. He did say he’s extremely fond of me and thoroughly enjoys my company.
He did explain he has a lot on his plate – caring for his aged parents, parents-in-law, and 2 kids from a previous marriage. I do think caregiver burnout (caring for his late wife) took a toll on him, hence, he isn’t keen on taking more caregiver responsibilities should anything happen to me.
Said he seems unsure of his ability to meet my expectations should we be together. I’m confused cause he’s always been good with my child and I have never brought up anything about him having to step up to care for my child.
Right now, I have been proactively encouraging him to have the space he needs to step back and reevaluate our “situationship”. I’ve been mirroring his behaviour and investment too. I’ve not chased or begged for him to be with me. In fact, told him to choose what’s best for him and that I will be ok with whatever decision he’s made.
Question is, I don’t know how long I should wait for him to make up his mind. He’s got one foot in and one foot out the door about us. I don’t want him to feel pressured and am willing to let him have the time and space he needs to mull over things. I’ve suggested to go No Contact, but he disagreed.
FWIW, I have not asked or pushed to be exclusive, other than sexual exclusivity.
He got spooked when he started developing feelings for me, and felt the relationship was getting serious.May 16, 2022 at 11:20 am #933562
A few things jump out to me:
“I did confront my guy, and he was honest enough to share he was unsure if he could commit to a long-term relationship due to my situation – single mom with a special needs child.”
I have to admit I’m a bit concerned when I see the phrase “confront my guy” and that he was “honest enough”…
Now look, I’m on you’re side, I want to help you. You know this.
Still… We have to think in terms of what’s alluring for the other person involved.
A man always has a choice… either get into a relationship or not.
Some women will stick around regardless, so as far as the guy is concerned, that’s not even the choice.
It more comes down to “does this dynamic make my life significantly better?”
And what does he look for to answer that?
Does having you in his life bring out his best in a way he could never hope to on his own.
Do you inspire him in a way he could never hope to on his own and never hope to find with another woman?
If you don’t… then “confronting” him with talks about long term commitment is wrongheaded.
You’re essentially showing up and saying, “Hey you’re not getting the one thing that would reach your heart and make you gladly commit long term, but I want you to promise me everything I want and also I feel entitled to it.”
No matter how diplomatic he is, he’s not going to be into that. He might word it delicately, but it comes down to him not getting what he needs in order to inspire love in him, and thus, inspire his desire to gladly and eagerly commit.
That’s not to say the dynamic gives him nothing. It gives him companionship and maybe sex (I don’t know).
But that’s not the same as inspiring love in him.
And also, if you ARE inspiring love in him, it will be so obvious you’ll never need to “confront” him about where he stands.
He will do all the things that show signs he’s in love with you. Why? Because he’s in love with you.
Our culture has things so twisted that it churns out all this content talking about “signs a guy loves you” and then women think the goal of a relationship is to make him perform these signs. lol
No. Totally wrongheaded.
Love. Love is what makes these signs occur.
And they’re obvious when they occur. It’s obvious there’s love, it’s not difficult to see or figure out.
You need to push a man’s “love button”, which is to say, inspire love in him.
And what inspires love?
Your ability to take him out of the place where he’s feeling like he’s losing at life and gently, invisibly guide him into the emotional place where he feels like he’s a winner at life (or at least, can win at life).
That’s it. That’s all you have to worry about.
All this confronting stuff and wondering about all these details… unimportant. Irrelevant.
There is ONE thing to evaluate a relationship’s potential, and that’s if you can inspire him or not.
If you can, you push his love button and there’s potential. No confrontation/conversation needed.
If you can’t, you can’t push his love button and there’s nothing to lose. You can’t lose what you don’t have. Again, no conversation needed.
I’m speaking to the root of things here so you can look past the details to what’s most important here.
You don’t have to mess with all these details. And you DEFINITELY don’t need to have conversations about the relationship or about commitment. Bad idea.
Instead, have a simple mind.
– With any man, you are discovering how well you’re able to inspire him (emotionally move him from the “loser” mood to the “feeling like a winner” mood). This takes understanding, receptiveness, curiosity, patience and lovingness on your part.
– You are 100% SINGLE until you’re 100% not
– There’s no such thing as casual sex for a woman. If you have sex, understand you have tens of thousands of years of biological programming designed to make you fall in love with the man. So that’s not to be discounted either.May 18, 2022 at 12:13 pm #933664
Thanks for all the responses. Ghosting is literally the worst.
I feel like I have so many questions, I know some responses mentionedit but our time together was definitely more than just sexual. That’s probably why it hurts like it does. I know I’m the first girl he has properly dated in two years (well that’s what he told me) since he split from a previous relationship where they were together 10+ years. Maybe I was just a rebound or something. I don’t think I e ever been ghosted but I can see it’s far more common than I realised. Guess I’m just in disbelief that someone who can open up and share so many deep and personal things can just literally disappear in a given moment and that’s the end. I keep wondering if I did something but I can’t think of anything at all to warrant this. I’ll move past it but with this particular guy it feels like unfinished business. Like someone else said maybe I was just a fun distraction from something else going on in his life.May 18, 2022 at 12:26 pm #933667
Hey Liz, just a quickie. You’re way way way more than a fun distraction. Even though there are great changes you could make if you were looking to in terms of interaction, Ghosting says more about the other person than it does about you.
Think of it this way, you want a guy that has what it takes to be more classy with you than what this guy did.
You have to believe and remember you’re awesome (and growing more awesome, skilled and magnetic by the day!). Which obviously you are if you’re here investing in improving your game every day.
Sending you love 😘❤️❤️❤️May 23, 2022 at 11:02 am #933791
Hi. Sorry for further updates/post.
So the ghost remains a ghost which is fine. I’m over it.
However. So like the responsible person i am, I always get tested regularly and the last test I had was a few months back and was all clean for STIs. He is the only person I have been with since that all clear test. I did another recently, we were careful but there was one occasion not so much. Anyway. My results came back positive for chlamydia. I’ve never had an STI so I’m dealing with it etc etc.
Obviously i feelI need to tell him but how do I even do that?!
As much as I don’t want a blame game, also don’t want him to assume I gave it to him. Assuming his account of his sexual history was truthful …. He was married and with the same person for a while so, he has either had it for a while or someone was lying or he’s account isn’t quite true. Anyway.
How do I tell him – I’ll feel guilty if I don’t. Was thinking maybe I should leave it a few weeks …. 😑May 23, 2022 at 11:42 am #933792
I’m so sorry. Hope it clears up quickly for you.
So I don’t know what the others would suggest?
Could you just make it a matter of fact business like text.
Eg just thought it responsible to let you know in case you need to act on it, I got tested today and found out I had chlamydia. You’re the only partner I’ve had so you may need to get tested too.
That’s it. Short and sweet. (Or not as the case may be.)
I don’t know, something like that???
If it were me, I’d send the text straight away. Timely, and also from your perspective, over and done with and you can move on to think about happier healthier things.
He probably won’t reply, but who cares. Your conscious is clean and your future looks bright right…
Sending you love 😘 ❤️May 23, 2022 at 12:07 pm #933796
“As much as I don’t want a blame game, also don’t want him to assume I gave it to him.”
You don’t want him to assume you gave it to him.
You didn’t, so what does it matter if his assumption is wrong? Play it out, what’s the real problem there?
You have chlamydia, a sexually transmitted disease. This is now a medical issue and could affect others beyond just him.
From that perspective, the sooner you tell him, the better.
My read here is that you want to be able to have this conversation in a good way, so I can give you an example that might work.
Before I do, I always add the disclaimer that I just share my thoughts and ultimately only you can decide what’s best for you and what your actions will be.
So you could say something like:
“Listen, I went to the doctor and tested positive for chlamydia. Obviously this isn’t a text I want to send or news you want to here, but when I found out I knew you needed to know right away.”
And his response is his response. You can receive it and go from there. You have no idea how he’ll respond, so fearing anything about how he responds won’t do you any good.
My perspective is it’s best to tell him right away and let the chips fall where they may. Good luck.May 24, 2022 at 3:28 am #933830
my friend sent a text like that to the guy she was seeing and he blocked her..May 24, 2022 at 5:05 am #933831
Ewa, what’s that matter in this case? He already ghosted. Liz has got nothing more to lose (this guy is no loss anyway), and it’s good she wants to do the right thing. Even if it’s no guarantee he will do the right thing with her message.
Liz, don’t wait though because he needs to get treatment and stop passing that around. I hope you recover quickly!May 24, 2022 at 5:13 am #933832
I know he already ghosted. I am pretty sure he is going to look at this message and think, this girl is just trying to get my attention again.
She needs to get a treatment and yes I agree she wants to do the right thing , but only if her intentions are to let him know not to actually get an answer from him.