Getting Over Shameful Feelings and Anxiety Tied To Crush


Home Forums The Community Lounge Getting Over Shameful Feelings and Anxiety Tied To Crush

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #796769 Reply
    Christina

    Hello! This is my first ever forum post, here or otherwise. I’m an 18 year old girl, and I’ll be going to college in about a month. Currently, I am dealing with a crush on one of my former high school classmates. (He’s a year younger than me and will be a HS senior in the fall) This has been going on for about four months. I have told some of our mutual friends, and they think I should ask him out. However, the mere thought of doing that gives me a lot of anxiety. I have never been in a relationship before. In middle school, I was bullied for being overweight and having weird interests. I was asked out as a joke, called names behind my back, and one kid said he would rather kill himself than date me to my face. This has caused me to internalize the belief that I am unworthy of romantic love and that nobody could ever want to date me. This belief seeped into my crush on this guy and made me feel wrong and shameful for even DARING to like someone. “What’s the point of even trying, girls who look like you don’t get to be in relationships.” Regardless of how things work out with this specific guy, how can I unlearn these feelings of shame and let myself have crushes without feeling bad about it?

    #796772 Reply
    Raven

    Hi Christina, have you tried to find a trained person to talk with?

    #796797 Reply
    cupcake

    I agree with Raven. Please find someone who can work with you on conquering those feelings and unlearn these thought processes. There are really qualified therapists out there that can really help. I would forget about that guy for now and just focus on yourself. College will provide you which so many new experiences and new people, make sure you are emotionally open to experience all of it. Once your confidence is up the boyfriends will follow naturally.

    #796809 Reply
    Lane

    I understand its natural to feel things, such as crushes, for guys at your age but based on what you said, it would be much much better for you to shed your old skin, build up your confidence, and focus that energy on your new adult adventure! The last thing you want to do is deal with a round of rejection, of which there is a 99.9% if he never approached you first.

    There are plenty of college guys out there who you will get to meet, and who knows, you might just meet a guy who ASKS YOU out on a date! Until that happens, I would use that time and energy to be a passive observer. Just watch guys, like you’re at the zoo and they are your subject. If they are showing interest in a lady, watch what he does that makes him approach her, and what the lady does when he approaches because most men have a specific *type* they are physically attracted to, such as hip/waist ratio, color of hair, etc. where if you don’t have them, there is nothing you can do to get a man to like you that way.

    Men are very primal when it comes to woman selection. When you fit that guys type then you have a good chance of getting into a relationship if your personalities align too :o)

    #796831 Reply
    LJ

    I agree with the others about finding a trained professional to help you with this.

    But please don’t feel bad. That advice isn’t meant to reject you, or imply that it’s a weird or unsolveable problem. I think we all agree that this is a totally solveable problem. It’s just that, trained professionals knows how to ask the right questions to read your state of mind. They are good at finding the right phrases to say to soothe what hurts. They can make you feel safer about exploring the reasons why you feel this way. (And even though you have some ideas about WHY, there may be even deeper reasons that aren’t apparent to you.)

    I am a person who went to therapy. Not for relationship issues (other stuff), but my therapist was able to bring me around and understand why I felt certain ways. The answers were “in my head” but I couldn’t see them. It felt really liberating to come around and understand what was going on in my mind.

    Anyway. Without even knowing what you look like, I think girls who “look like you” DO get dates, and they do find meaningful relationships. You mentioned having “wierd interests” – believe me, I bet you will find guys who really did have similar interests. You’ll find this to be true especially when you get to college. (Covid will make things a little weird there, but someday we’ll be past that.)

    There’s another reason why I suggest therapy: You are vulnerable. When you feel the way you do, you may be willing to start a relationship with many different guys – even ones that have warning signs that they’re not good people, or not ready for relationships. That’s not healthy! Going to therapy will help shore-up your confidence and help you become stronger, so that you don’t just glomp onto the very first guy that expresses genuine interst. You will have the confidence to stay away from guys that aren’t good relationship material. You’ll develop the patience to be choosy. Because yes, you can be choosy.

    (Of course, it’s entirely possible that the first guy you meet – even this crush of yorus – is totally good relationship material. But it’s really important to go into the relationship with CONFIDENCE so that you’re not taken advantage of.)

    Also don’t listen to what the kids said in middle school. They’re just a bunch of s**ts. Forget them.

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
Reply To: Getting Over Shameful Feelings and Anxiety Tied To Crush
Your information:





<blockquote> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <ul> <ol start=""> <li>

recent topics