Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Getting my heart broken from broken man….
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tammy.
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Lisa
hi… so I would like some advice on a recent breakup. I’ll see if I can keep this short.
Met a man online. Talked for a few weeks on the phone and video before meeting. We hit if off right from the start. Me, uncomplicated female, divorced, no real baggage speak of. Him, simple, super nice and genuine guy who was cheated on by his wife 10 months before we started dating.(Oct). He is a carpenter, spent 6-8 months building a house for him and the wife before he found out about her cheating. The night before his 50th bday, he receives a text message telling him his wife is “f…ing her husband now”. This was beginning of the end (Jan) of the marriage. I can’t say enough good things about this man. He showed me so much respect,care,so genuine. I even asked if he was ready for a relationship before things go more serious. he said he wouldn’t start anything if he didn’t think he as ready. We were emotionally, physically and mentally connected. He introduced me to his parents after a month, they liked me I was told. At xmas he met my daughter(17), the first man I thought was good enough for that and that did not phase him. He made me an incredible xmas gift that took him a lot of time to research and build. He also was generous with my daughter at xmas.
-When his 51st birthday was coming around, I sensed he was a bit off. After his bday he tells me he is not sleeping, has physical pain and is not himself. He sees a dr and arranges to get therapy. I told him I would support him however he wanted and would be there. He was very appreciative. Having gone through a messy divorce myself I know how legal battles can be. My carpenter man is a fair man, he wanted to get the marital home settled fairly. Unfortunately, she’s demanding lots and the thought of going through a legal battle that would ultimately end with him losing the house he just built was devastating to him. He said he could not sleep or think straight anymore. He even told me he was afraid of having his heart broken again. He asked for some space so he could sort this out, he assure me it had nothing to do with me. 6 weeks go buy, I respected him, gave him the space and now tells me he can’t give 100% right now. He needs to be alone and sort this out. He suggested we talk maybe once every couple of weeks and get together for coffee every few weeks. I told him I didn’t think I could do that. I wanted to go through the good an bad with him. That would make us stronger. He told me months ago it was important that we an lean on another so i’m now confused. I feel he has just pushed me away. What should I do? We have not told each other we love each other yet. I care for him deeply and believe he is finally the man I want. Did I just hurt him?
One more thing..this was his 2nd marriage, they were together for 10 years. His first marriage ended because she was physically and emotionally abusive with him. To top it off she cleaned him out and gave her the house. I literally am the first woman that has no red flag for him and he’s pushing me away. What do I do? Move on? Just walk away from a man I know is hurting?Raven
Sorry Lisa, this guy picks women (subconsciously maybe/probably) who are bad for him…
You’re not his type…
AngieBaby
Lisa, it is not your job to fix him or be the patron saint of broken men or be the angel who makes up for two devils.
Never date a man in the midst of a divorce. Never never never. This is exactly what happens almost every time from what I have observed. He thinks he wants to move forward with someone new but when it gets real, he can’t do it. He’s not healed, he’s not ready, no matter how good a woman he has in front of him.
This isn’t about you, you’ve done nothing wrong. He’s not healed and you’re too healthy for him.
The question for you is why do you want to pay the price for what other women have done wrong. He cannot give you what you want and won’t be any good for anyone else any time soon. Men who get cheated on like this often never completely get over it.
Cut contact completely, grieve the loss, heal and move on to someone who is available. If you’re going to do OLD, you have to learn to weed out the bad risks fast. If it had been me, I never would have bothered to meet someone who is separated and in the divorce process. I recommend you adopt the same policy. Lots of guys go online because they’re lonely and heartbroken and are kidding themselves they’re ready to start dating again – but the truth is they aren’t ready for a real relationship again by a long shot.
I’m sorry you’re hurting over this. This isn’t your guy and it’s not your fault. Learn from this and make sure you’re only dating men who are either single or well past their divorce or last relationship.
Maddie
Seconding the above advice!
“This isn’t about you, you’ve done nothing wrong. He’s not healed and you’re too healthy for him.”
“this guy picks women (subconsciously maybe/probably) who are bad for him…
You’re not his type…”tammy
yeah its not about you. you need to let him go. and well each person has his own story. you have heard only one side and not both. so u cant be the judge of his divorces and who was the gud or bad party.
you are wasting your time and expending too much energy on his divorce issues. cut off completely. and tell him to connect post his divorce only. after that gap if you guys still feel the same than you can figure the future.
Ewa
I agree with others, you only know one side of the story. And men who usually speak badly about their exes is a red flag and you should really be avoiding them at all cost.
even if she cheated on him , women usually cheat because they lack the emotional support , not for fun like men do, so either way this guy is no goodTallspicy
I am sorry, but I have a different take. This is about you and is on you. Not who he is, but who you are.
Did you meet this man in Jan or feb? That means less than 3 months of dating, and you are grossly over invested in a man in general and one who showed up as a walking red flag.
You chose a man who was not yet divorced, and cheated on. You then told a man who was pulling back that you would be there for him. A healthy woman would have said…. call me when the papers are signed for a year and you went to therapy. You are not a lap dog that keeps company with the sick.
This man threw up a million red flags over and over (including too early introductions), and that is not your fault. But choosing it and being surprised by the outcome is.
tammy
what tall spicy said also makes sense. the general consensus is that men who are undergoing divorce do not make the best relationship partner. and the thing is you have hardly known him long yet your acting as if he is your life line and that he is the one for you.
1) you really have no idea why his first 2 marriages broke. he cld be right he cld be wrng.
2) he has told you he cant deal with this new relationship with you.
3) you need to give the man the space he needs and has asked for.
4) since this one also wants to take away the house in settlement, do you think post divorce he would be in any frame of mind to commit again?move on and give him what he wants. space.
Lisa
Thanks for all the response.
Our last conversation was me telling him I couldn’t see him anymore. He was asking for space and possibly see me every few weeks but I told him that I did not think it was possible.
I told him I wanted a relationship that two ppl can weather the good and bad times and if he didn’t want that then I have to look for someone who does. Strange how he told me that’s what he wanted. I was going through tough issues at work a couple of months ago and he supported me , I was so appreciative of him. I told him the risk he was taking in pushing me away was that I may not be there him when he is ready.
Strange enough, I have had a policy to never date anyone who wasn’t completely single. I avoided men who were even “separated.” He was so different than other men I have had relationships with that I wanted to see where it went. This is a man has had bad luck and despite what has happened… he has never bad mouth the exs at all. He doesn’t bad mouth any one. I’ll keep telling myself.. “his loss not mine.”Lisa
Hey AngieBaby,
Thanks for your words. I hear you…I laugh a bit… “don’t do OLD”. I’m about the same age as him. We are both in pretty good shape, he eats healthy and exercises. This man could be doing Calvin Klein underwear modeling.AngieBaby
Lisa, OLD stands for online dating… not age! ROTFL
Also, please don’t just write off his experiences with women as “bad luck.” I’m not saying he’s causing the issues or laying blame on him but if he’s had the same or similar experiences in marriages twice the common denominator is HIM. So he’s likely replaying a familiar pattern or memory of some kind for some reason. That’s for him to sort through.
For example. I found I was getting men with certain issues and after the third one I woke up to the reason is I’m replaying stuff with my father.It takes being very willing to wake up and own your stuff. The good news is that when you do, you can change it. As long as you write it off to them or even just bad luck, you can’t change it, you’re stuck.
Persephone
Ive been here. I met a fantastic man and we were so compatible. Then I learned that not only was he not divorced, but they shared the same house still. I told him that’s a deal breaker and he kept trying to talk me into it with very dramatic texts about how he wanted me by his side through it all. And he did a lot of future faking about cruises. It was too much of a roller coaster. And the truth is that we both really did want it to work. But he just couldn’t fathom the toll ending the marriage was going to take and how much he was going to want time to figure out his life. For seven months he promised me the moon.
And believe me, I know that the dating sites are FULL of separated or almost divorced men and it’s not fair to people who really want to start a life with someone new. I also know that even when you ask men either play down the pending divorce or outright lie about it. So take this as a learning experience and let him go and find someone truly able to be present in a relationship.
Sometimes timing really is the problem, and I know that feels even more heartbreaking than finding out someone isn’t as compatible as you’d thought/hoped.
Not long after this guy I did find my current husband who was incredibly available. So you never know what’s around the corner!
Good luck to you.
Jess
Hi Lisa
I’ll keep this short and sweet.
“gave him the space and now tells me he can’t give 100% right now. He needs to be alone and sort this out” is a sign he doesn’t want a relationship with you, but still wants you around because he’s asking you to keep in contact with him for coffee. It seems he doesn’t want you but doesn’t want anyone else to have you.
Hope this helps. Take care and be safe!
Jess
Jess
Can I just add that if he wants to be alone, why does he want to have coffee with you. If a person wants to be left alone, they don’t want anyone in their space.
tammy
u need to avoid him for the present. maybe things may change few months down the line? who knows. for now u shld simply stay away instead of settling for crumbs
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