Home › Forums › The Community Lounge › Getting Close with My Ex's Friend and Roomate
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by
Lane.
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Catherine
My ex and I were together for 11 years, we have two kids under 8 years old. We have a very good co-parenting relationship, and hang out often. Three months ago his colleague of 15 years moved in to his house (I never met him during our relationship). Me and this person clicked immediately. We have been hanging out several times a week, most weeks for the last 2 months. My ex is not happy about this, but we continued to hang out because everything was Platonic – as I intended it to be until I could get to know him better (hoping he’d turn out to be someone I could have a relationship with).
On Friday night we took things to a different level. On Sunday night, he told me he couldn’t continue the romantic aspect of our relationship because he can’t live with my ex, hiding what we are doing. He doesn’t want to be ‘that guy’, but he wants to continue the friendship we had.
My question is, should I give up on this person as a potential partner, or should I continue to be his friend and hope that eventually, we will progress again? I’d hate to waste too much energy building this friendship if it’s not going to lead to more, because I want to eventually be more than just friends. Is the moral dilemma he’s having a cop-out, or is this a timing issue, or both? My ex already said that if we start dating, he will have to move the roommate out and their friendship would likely be over. Should I consider this person’s hesitation to be honest with my ex and tell him he’s interested in me as a sign he’s simply doesn’t like me enough? It has only been a few months, so I don’t really expect him to uproot his entire living situation for me quite yet. I just don’t want to hold out hope and be in denial.
Ss
You cannot be mates with a man you have feelings for… it doesn’t work. End of. He has made it clear that he doesn’t feel he can pursue things with you. That’s not necessarily because he doesn’t want to its just complicated. I’m not saying don’t hold out hope as you clearly have a connection but if he can’t be honest with your ex or he sees moving out as too much there isn’t much you can do. Its his choice and there is a lot of up rooting for him. I’d take him at his word and pull back. If he sees this thing as worth it he might change his mind but don’t wait for it…
Raven
You’ve got to be kidding!
Mariah
He probably likes you a lot, just values his friendship more. There should be some unwritten moral code that you do not FW the ex’s friends on a sexual level. Ever. Period.
It’s asking for drama.
It happened to me one time and it made me question the loyalty of my friend. Like she wasn’t even concerned about it at all. It caused serious tension between the 3 of us and they both targeted me as a scapegoat to bond with each other. It was a really effed up situation. I’m not friends with her anymore.
There are plenty of other men out there and if you want to keep your co-parenting relationship in tact, it would behoove you to keep your distance. Your ex’s friend is smart
Lane
Agree with others in that its a really bad position you’ve gotten yourself into.
Trust me, I get it, as I’ve had these ‘insta connections’ with a few men who were my (now ex) husbands friends that I met through him, when married—we are all human btw. However, I never ONCE crossed the boundary you did because its not right.
Listen, this guy is your exes friend, not yours; whereas his loyalty is to your ex, not you. Yes he is probably feeling some ‘chemistry’ with you, or he wouldn’t have spent so much time with you. There is no doubt your ex and he talked about it and those boundaries were cemented when your ex told him that he in no uncertain terms wants this to become romantic between the two of you. His friend is honoring the ‘guy code’ which is what good/real friends do—honor the wishes of their friend.
Sooooo, the hard answer is YES, it would be a waste of your time trying to dishonor your exes friendship by pushing this guy into out of the friendzone, The ‘guy code’ is a real thing and if they are really good friends then your exes friend will not cross that boundary with you. Therefore, it would not be cool or even nice to betray your exes wishes if you want to keep things the way they currently are, drama free.
MAYBE, and I really mean a very soft ‘maybe’, in the future when he’s no longer living with your ex and your ex doesn’t feel threatened by the two of you dating BUT there’s a small minute (my-noot) chance of that happening, so I wouldn’t hold my breathe (wait around) for that to happen anytime soon.
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