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Ivona.
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Ivona
My ex and I broke up 3 days ago. I’m 19 and he’s 20. We are together for 8 months. He is my first love and it hurts very much, I’m not able to eat or sleep or learn or do anything to be honest. Backstory…everything was great until this saturday when I found out he had been messaging a girl I was already worried about before. He even once met with her. It broke my heart, but the text messages were normal and friendly. He only said once to her that she is pretty. And they weren’t talking all day every day, but here and then. I decided to forgive because our relationship was really beautiful. 2 days after, I was feeling really down and sent him somehow rude messages. He decided to leave me and that he wouldn’t change his mind. He said he is all over the place, disappointed in himself and that there is such a mess in his head. We met up later that night and talked for hours. I was bawling my eyes out and begging for us to be together. It was a mistake. He said he doesn’t want a relationship at the moment. But through the whole night he was so cute, we cuddled, kissed and so on. Then he told me that it’s not the end and he promised we will get back together. He said he needs time for himself. I agreed. We said we will not be in contact for some time and that he will text me. Next mistake I did was contact him the morning after. I called him, crying. He said he doesn’t want to be with me right now, but does want in general, just later. This was yesterday. After that, I didn’t contact him. My cousin was in contact with him and he said to her that he just needs a few days to cool off and that we will get back together and that he wants to see me this Saturday. I’m in so much pain, I miss him. I’m so scared that I lost him forever. Would he lie about getting back together? Is he going to text me?
Padmini
Hi, Ivona,
Take a deep breath. :)
I am really sorry that you have been so anxious and insecure about your Relationship with this Guy.
From the details you provided, it seems like your natural anxiety and insecurity is harming the Relationship as of now. I can completely understand how you are thus allowing your emotions to control you. However, I agree with the Guy that space would be best for both of you right now.
It appears as if your worry regarding the other girl is what caused the rift in your Relationship and then your worry.
However, your Guy has been honest with you thus far. So I would trust his word that you will indeed get back together. :) During this time and space apart from him, you could both catharsize yourself regarding your emotions and reflect on yourself, him, and your relationship. :)
Relationships are all about Growth & bringing out the Best in One-Another. :)
I wish you the very best of luck! :) We are here for You! :)
Elvira
Hi Ivona
Sorry you are dealing with such a hurtful situation. We have all experienced heartbreaks and they are not a good feeling. Unfortunately there is no prediction on how the situation will unfold. I want you to take a minute to understand that you need to let go of the things you cannot control. This being your ex boyfriends feelings or reasons for breaking up. You two are extremely young and unfortunately an 8 month relationship has not established a strong foundation. You have established a connection and bond however, taking time apart isn’t the worst thing.
I also feel that your focused on losing him and not concerned as to why he was talking with this person. Was there something missing in the relationship that caused him to entertain someone else or is he just bored with your relationship. Unfortunately he is requesting a break most likely to explore his options whether that means being single, dating others or to take a break from your relationship.
Take this time to re-explore yourself, from your message I gather that you have invested a lot of yourself into this guy and not you. Give him the time he needs and stop focusing on whether he will come back. Focus on bettering yourself and showing him that you can survive without him.
If it is meant to be it will happen. Many couples take breaks and come back, because they have realized what they have lost. Begging him for answers at this time is not the way it is best to give him the space and heal yourself. Know that as human beings we sometimes seek change and it doesn’t mean it is a bad decision as long we are considerate of all those involved. He needs to come after you and you need to know you are worth it.Ivona
Thank you so much for your answers. He said he will contact me in a few days and that he wants to see me this Saturday. How should I act when we see each other, if we do? I was thinking that I shouldn’t even talk about our relationship and just have a good time with him, remind him of all the happy and good times we were together, after all this negativity. Would that be smart and better than begging him to be with me?
Padmini
Yes, good idea. You could play it by ear once you meet on Saturday, which you certainly will.
You could ease into the conversation and let him be the one to bring-up your Relationship. You could remind him of a good time or two; but not overdo it, as that would demonstrate neediness there.
Good luck!
Elvira
Yes, please do not beg and plead. Stay calm and don’t see this as an end but a beginning.
You can mention how you feel (that this will be hard but probably for the best) and that you hope this time will bring clarity to both of you.
I would also add not to agree to “being friends”…time apart means no communication. I would suggest you stick to no contact.
IMO I would suggest you DO NOT meet up with him and just start the no contact as of now. If you are taking this day to get closure and considering this a break (given what he said) then set the right expectations for yourself.Newbie
Why dont you not see him at all? You two dont give yourself time to think at all. Its not a secure relationship, you think he is messaging girls improper stuff. Whether its true or not, thats what you think. He told you he doesnt want a relationship atm. So why bother each other? Give Each other some space for a few months
Zoe
Its over. He lost all respect for you while you were begging and pleading after he cheated on you
Once a cheater always a cheater
Move onIvona
It was his idea and he said how much he wants to see me. I don’t think it’s over, because he would just say so. He didn’t even want a break exactly, just a few days to clear his head and cool off. And I wouldn’t call that cheating, the text messages were just friendly. I spoke to the girl he was messaging and she said that they never touched, they see each other as friends only and she even has a boyfriend. I’m thinking to myself – if he really doesn’t want me in his life anymore, wouldn’t he just say it? Instead, he gave me a pinky promise we would get back together…I also tried to seduce him that night, which I know wasn’t very smart, but he was so respectful and said “You know how much I want you, but I don’t deserve you to give me pleasure right now. You are hurt and it’s not okay to do this if we’re breaking up. If I knew this was our last time doing it, I would do it. But I know we will do this for million times more, just be patient.”
Anyways, I will see if he will contact me and wants to see me. If he does, I’ll agree, but I’ll act cool and definitely not beg him for anything. If he mentions our relationship – great, but I won’t be the one to do it.Ewa
Ivona, men can be weird and in most cases the rather die than tell a woman we are done. I am not saying this is a case here, but I do have a feeling he told you this to stop worry and to stop bombarding him with calls and messages.
You need to understand and please remember this throughout your life. You should not want someone who doesn’t want you, respect yourself enough to walk away. He only said we will be back because he is thinking about his options. You’re very young but you need to learn that no means no , there is no maybes, he either want you or he doesn’t.
So no, no meeting him this weekend, you need time to think and yes you read it right, you need time to think, to think if he deserves you. So go back to him and say I am sorry but you broke up with me and I need some time to myself , please don’t contact me.
You will meet so many great men in your life and it possible that this one will come back but only if you show him that you couldn’t care less if he stayed or not.Newbie
Its clear you dont want to let this go, so advicing you should is kind of pointless. I can tell your brain does realize parts that are wrong but then you sweep all arguments under the carpet. For what its worth: youre young, i think both of you got into a toxic dynamic over time. The part you have to work on is the lashing out and accepting breadcrumbs part. Read: why men love b*tches. That will help you over time to chose yourself first and a guy second.
So take care and never let guys step over youIvona
He reached out to me today..I’m not going to answer for a few hours and be a little cold. I hope everything will be fine. Thank you.
Newbie
Sometimes content matters and not only the fact he reached out.
Lane
Stop the games.
Seriously, take a time out and cool your emotions by responding with “thanks for checking in. You’re right, we need a cooling off period and taking a *time out* would be the best thing for us to do right now.” THE END.
You are not in a good emotional place right now and meeting him when your emotions are so raw would be the WORST thing you could do at this point. The best thing you could do is take some time away from him to calm your emotions. Stop ruminating and take a mental health break by engaging in non-relationship activities that gives your mind a break from all this as it will serve you much better in the breakup transition.
Men HATE hurting a ladies feelings! They would rather chew off their right arm then see a lady cry, and especially grovel, which is why he needed to take the position he did with you. Men cannot handle a high level of emotions, it physically hurts them, and why he needed time away from you because you weren’t listening to what he was telling you and cared only about your feelings and needs without taking his into consideration.
I don’t see a reunification here. I see a very young man who is not ready to settle down as he has so much to do, see and accomplish before he’s ready for that level of commitment. Thirty years ago he would have but unfortunately society today has pushed that needle a decade plus because parents or schools no longer teach children the necessary skills to go out into the world and support themselves or a family out of HS, like my generation could, so it is now taking a man several years of higher learning; then several more paying off all their student debts; then a few more before they make a decent livable wage before they are able to even consider it. So men who are aged 28+ and solid in their career are your best bets.
You still have so much to learn, do, see, and people to meet too! This is life’s way of teaching you on what works and doesn’t work, especially with men. Now you know what doesn’t work as there will be millions of missteps and teaching moments like this on your long life journey. I know you can’t see it now because you haven’t had the life experiences majority of us responding have had but in time you will look back and be glad it worked out the way it did, with him and others you will have relationships with too, before you finally meet the man you are meant to be with. My advice to you—meet many more guys, learn what works and doesn’t but have a ton of fun doing it :o)
Ivona
I will tell him I need more time and try to move on.
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