This topic contains 41 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 5 months ago.
September 18, 2018 at 11:42 pm #721129
Basically I started hanging out with a guy a couple of months ago but we finally had sex maybe about a month and a half ago. After the first time it happened, I asked him what he wanted out of this and he said only a good time and then I told him that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. In my head I thought this was just going to be a FwB or sex buddy kind of thing. He initiated the hangouts(that would lead to sex almost every time except for one time I was on my period) maybe about 75% of the time.
Maybe a couple of weeks ago, we went out with some of his friends and then got back to his place and then we were in the middle of making out when he tells me I like you a lot, I like talking to you and I like hugging you at night. So we saw each other for Labour day and hung out at his place with his friends and roommates, later that night he tells me after the first round and he’s half asleep, “I love you” so I don’t respond to this and we just make out a little and then have a quickie and back to sleep. He cooked me breakfast the next day and we hung out all day.
The next week, I saw him again and we hung out with his friends(and we were being a little touchy feely while we were with them), we go back to his place and in the middle of it he tells me again “I love you” and that he doesn’t want to be rough with me because he wants to make love to me, that when he’s inside it’s not like it is with the other girls, that it feels extra warm. I sleep over the night and then again he made us breakfast and I stayed at his place and just chilled for the day and then slept over the night again(but nothing happened that night). So this past Thursday, I ask him if he wants to hangout and he initially said no, then he changed his mind saying sure, so we grab a couple of beers then go back to his place and do the deed and then have pillow talk, we cuddle for a little then we go to sleep. As we say bye the next morning he says give me a call or message this weekend to do something and I said ok and I left.
On Sunday night, I send him a message saying to please make time for me after work cause I’d like to see him. All of yesterday I get no reply to the message and then I finally message him and ask him if he’s doing good and if he got my message(it was around 9:30 PM) and he says yes he did, he’s been busy at work and he had no answer to my text. I ask him how and he tells me sorry I’ve been busy at work and I had no answer. I tell him well I know that but you could’ve at least let me know instead of not saying anything. He then proceeds to tell me, I’m sorry I’ve been busy, hope I’m doing well and then to finish it off, he says, “ I think we should stop seeing each other because there are feelings being involved that aren’t there, sorry”. As soon as I read this, I sent him a message asking what he’s talking about and that if we can talk on the phone to clarify the situation, he saw the message maybe 30 min later, started writing something, then stopped.
I guess what I’m asking is how I should interpret this whole situation and how I should move forward with it as it honestly caught me by surprise that he would say this given that at no point did I ever tell him I had feelings for him beyond saying I cared for him(basically like a friend).
Any advice, insights, or comments are appreciated.
tl;dr Guy tells me he has feelings then ends things implying that I was the one who had feelings for him that are unrequited.September 19, 2018 at 12:01 am #721131
You agreed to just fwb. He saw you started to want more and broke it off. Why the surprise.you told him you only wanted casual and that’s what you got. Do you understand what a fwb is? It’s never going to be a real relationship.September 19, 2018 at 12:17 am #721134
I completely understand what a FWB is. But how did he see I wanted more? I don’t think that in my post I mentioned anything of me wanting more…September 19, 2018 at 12:28 am #721135
Who knows what gave him that impression. It seems to me you gave a lot of detail and put a lot of thought into what could have been a two-sentence post. Be honest with yourself about if you had feelings for him, and don’t get into this kind of situation hoping it will turn into more.
As for understanding why he broke things off, you will never know so don’t worry about it.September 19, 2018 at 12:37 am #721137
Thanks for your reply Emily, I wanted to make sure that I gave as much detail as possible to give the whole picture of the situation. I will definitely take your advice for any future posts.
I went into this purely as a friends with benefits mentality and never really expected any sort of relationship to come out of it. It’s the fact that he gave me mixed signals about the whole situation and then breaks it off making it look like I was the one who caught feelings when I didn’t.September 19, 2018 at 1:28 am #721143
you said that you told him initially that you don’t want a relationship. and u hung out as fwb. and he told you more than once that he probably feels more. but you dint say anything in reply. maybe that’s what he means? or the fact that you kept initiating contact for meetups even though he dint reply? so he feels your pursuing him as a gf would?
It can be any of the above scenarios or maybe something else. no one can say for sure. I think you should not initiate any more contact just lie low. let him revert. I think he will. you can then ask him whats going on and that things are not clear for you. wait. be patient let him revert. don’t contact him again.
and in the event he does not bother in the next two weeks you would anyways know he doesn’t want to continue this fwb arrangement with you anymore. you can then move on. Nothing good will anyways come out you forcing him to engage in a dialogue with you.September 19, 2018 at 3:15 am #721147
you asking how he knew? you asked him to hang out, you asked him why he is not responding which yes showed him that you really like himSeptember 19, 2018 at 6:26 am #721178
maybe he felt foolish after saying I love you over and over with no response.September 19, 2018 at 8:51 am #721183
No the reality of it is that he didn’t like that you didn’t say these things back to him so like a typical insecure whiny guy hes trying to twist it and break off with you to get a reaction.
i would simply reply saying you agree with what he is saying and to take care for the furture!
bye felicaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaSeptember 19, 2018 at 10:39 am #721203
Honestly- you don’t seem like you had feelings. He seems like he basically wanted to be in control of the situation and ONLY communicate on his terms. That’s how a lot of guys who want FWB roll- only they initiate, and its all on their terms.
I don’t think you were clingy- booty calling a guy isn’t being clingy and it’s rude AF to blow off a simple request. All he needed to do was take 23 seconds to text back “busy babe”. If that’s “clingy” to him- if responding to one simple request is “too much like a relationship” the man needs to hire hooker to help him out.
It sounds like he was developing feelings for you and is covering. I’d just move on.September 19, 2018 at 10:40 am #721204
“Being just a friend, you overstayed your visits and you initiated contact to ask to hang out too many times. He has a job and other things to do. You were too clingy!”
So she stated he initiated 75% of the time. So if a woman wants to hang out 1 in 4 times, she is too clingy. But the man can ask 3 out of 4 times and it’s OK? What’s the OK ratio of women reaching out to FWB to not be deemed “clingy” so the man can “blame” things on the “clingy woman” instead of being accountable for his lack of communication and feelings?September 20, 2018 at 1:34 am #721309
“So if a woman wants to hang out 1 in 4 times, she is too clingy. But the man can ask 3 out of 4 times and it’s OK? What’s the OK ratio of women reaching out to FWB to not be deemed “clingy” so the man can “blame” things on the “clingy woman” instead of being accountable for his lack of communication and feelings?”
Women being told over and over again that whatever they did- be it a text that was three words too long or whatever else can be extracted, twisted, and distorted into the shape of “clingy” is old and tired.
This guy was saying he loved her and asked her to contact him. She obliged by following through with contacting him and she’s now clingy? When is this absurd fault finding going to stop?
The other person’s actions and words don’t seem to factor into the equation for some when there is a mission to let the woman “know” just exactly how delusional she is for oh so foolishly thinking she is anything other than disposable sex or hanging by the thinnest of thread. Let’s not forget to add how she made a royal mess of everything by daring to step out of line by *gasp* thinking she had any say.
I don’t care what type of relationship it is. This idea of terming the expectation of even minimal basic courtesy for the level of interaction between two people as clingy or unreasonable says quite a bit about why dating and relationships are treated so poorly.September 20, 2018 at 2:10 am #721310
Just to be clear:
There is no law requiring a minimum level of courtesy. I think any functioning person understands that and can mentally separate that when they are simply expressing confusion or disappointment about a situation. Ticking off criticisms that ignore information because it doesn’t support those criticisms in order to validate why someone is undeserving demonstates not only a lack of empathy, but also basic reasoning capabilities.September 20, 2018 at 8:55 am #721332
If you want a friend with benefits, you need to work it like a real friendship where both parties have some degree of power and the ability to communicate and initiate spending time together. It can’t just be on the man’s whim.
If you just want on demand sex and ZERO obligation to another person, hire a hooker, or ask women to be your on-call sex buddy, who isn’t allowed to contact you unless you contact them. That’s the only way you will avoid the hazard of “clingy girl” who might send you a text or want to hang out when you don’t want to.September 20, 2018 at 9:29 am #721338
Honestly, it sounds like you were too pushy and demanding. The way you said “make time for me after work as I want to see you” was too demanding and would have put me off especially after spending the weekend together! The guy needs a breather and instead of demanding more of his time you should have just done a brief check in “hope your day’s going well” and let him bring up the topic of WHEN he was available to see you again and if you didn’t have other plans, which you should btw, then you agree to see him.
This is the reason why men don’t like relationships because of the EXPECTATIONS that arise from them. They’re afraid to lose their freedom by having to placate the woman to keep her happy. When in an FWB you have to keep your expectations low and time together low too or your going to burn it out no differently than anything burns out if you do too much of it too soon.
In a nutshell, you started acting like a GF and he’s backed off by telling you he’s not interested in a relationship with you, the FWB has gone off track. and he’s cutting you loose.September 20, 2018 at 9:55 am #721341
So you are telling this girl it was HER fault the guy caught feelings and bailed?
SHE was too pushy by asking to see him (You ever have a FWB? The MEN have NO PROBLEM letting you know they want some now, make time for them NOW….).It’s too high of an expectation to expect a man who has probably pestered the heck out of her in the past to be expected to respond to a text with a yes/no for his availability? For fun, don’t respond to a guy who wants to get laid… hahahaha…. you want to see clingy?
“Placate the woman”- she didn’t want to be placated, she just wanted to see if he wanted to hang out, like they had done many times in the past. FWB isn’t a relationship. It’s a friendship with convenient sex. There should be two people with open lines of communication. That’s the benefit and the benefits need to go both ways.
There was no path the OP could have taken that this would have played out differently. Guy was uncomfortable because of his OWN feelings and had to cut it off. It wasn’t in any way, shape or form the OP’s “fault”.September 20, 2018 at 10:05 am #721343
Better off single
Infatuation is crazy. It makes you delusional. You deceive your self when thinking about the person too much and when lost in the moment, having fun while bonding a little it’s easy to jump the gun and change your mind about someone. I’m sure not everyone is like this but there are people who live in contradiction from ways we act or say and it causes misery IMO.
“yeah, i’m cool with FWB”
“great I’m glad we’re on the same page.”
“I love you.”
We find security building images in our minds through daily contact, sex, irritation, comfort, and about ourself.
Unfortunately we are slaves to words and are trying to reach something beyond words.
Take the word pain, jealousy, or Heartbreak. It prevents you from taking action.
Take the word love and it has a pretty powerful effect. All kinds of neurological and psychological sensations. That’s why we cling to those words the mind feeds on those sensations. You deprive the mind from it and it feels so lost.September 20, 2018 at 10:15 am #721345
As a side note. The best thing to do at this time is NOTHING. Best not to respond but if you feel compelled to do so, respond with “OK” and move on permanently. If he misses you and attempts to reach out don’t fall back in the same pattern and tell him the two of you need to have a conversation IN PERSON about what his and your expectations will be and if the two of you cannot agree to those terms then don’t re-engage.
I’m all for having an FWB or fling when going through a stage in life where you don’t want anything ‘heavy’ or ‘serious’—just want to have some fun and sex here and there without any of the expectations a true relationship requires such as a higher level of contact, communication, time and planning a future together. When your not clear on what you have then your setting yourself up for failure if you don’t have clear parameters (terms or conditions) to work with and both parties know what they are so you can act accordingly.September 20, 2018 at 11:05 am #721350
I don’t think he was falling in love with you. When a man tells you he loves you in the middle of the act of sex or when he’s trying to get sex it means I love what we’re doing right now and not I love you.
And your little rant about how even if he’s busy he could at least respond to you sounds like a GF and not a FWB. You’re setting up expectations like you’re in a romantic relationship with him and he should make time for you and respond to you regardless of if he’s busy. He doesn’t want to have to answer to you or get crap from you when he’s busy.
If you want FWB then don’t act like a GF.September 20, 2018 at 11:56 am #721360
Anon, honestly I don’t understand your fervor here?
Why are you misconstruing what I said??? Where did I say the guy caught feelings and bailed??? I have no idea what he was actually ‘feeling’, and neither do you, nor does she other than he’s been clear in his WORDS by stating this was only going to be a “FWB” and ACTIONS by not treating or representing her as a “GF”—they were in alignment.
Yes, I’ve been in TWO FWB’s and I never demanded the guy spend time with me. If he wanted to see me then he had to make a request for a day and time that worked for me and if I was unavailable I would decline it and offer an alternative, no differently than you would do with any other friend. That’s how you operate in them where I’m sure if one of your friends texted “make time after work because I want to see you” it would turn you off especially if you aren’t in the mood to spend time with anyone.
You ask politely when someone’s available if you want to see them do you not? He’s been pulling back and she’s pushing harder and that’s the primary problem here and yet you believe she has the right to demand time with him in an FWB? How often do you demand time with your friends? Trust me, if you started demanding too much time you’d probably lose friends.
He most likely felt it was getting too intense or serious and is backing out of their non-relationship agreement.September 20, 2018 at 12:07 pm #721361
Why am I annoyed? Mainly because Joe accused the OP of being “clingy” when all she did was hit the guy up for sex. Given that he
” As we say bye the next morning he says give me a call or message this weekend to do something and I said ok and I left.”
I don’t see how asking him to hang out was “pushing” and the follow up text was appropriate in my mind as 1. texting can be unreliable, and 2. someone asks you to do something, you respond with a yes/no/maybe unless its a telemarketer.
So we are saying that this girl is being DEMANDING to ask a guy to hang out who ASKED HER TO HIT HIM UP TO HANG OUT THIS WEEKEND.
And Lane, so you never asked your FWB to hang out, he only asked you? So what you are saying is it is OK for a man to ask a woman for sex, but it’s never OK for a woman to ask a man for sex? I just want to understand this… the only thing a woman can do is accept or decline a man’s offer for sex? She can’t initiate, even in an established situation?
At 44, I didn’t realize that was a rule. Nor did any of my BF’s or FWB’sSeptember 20, 2018 at 12:44 pm #721362
If I live to be 100-and I am 60,lol,I will never understand friends with benefits or why people want them. For something that is supposed to be a casual ,no strings,fun in bed thing, it seems to be the opposite for most people,especially the women. IMO it is a rare woman that can hang out and have sex with a guy and not start to feel/want more.September 20, 2018 at 12:48 pm #721363
Again, it all seems to circle around to the economics of sex. Perperuating the idea a women’s value is dependent upon her ability to make sex a scarce commodity being the only formula for relationship success is insulting to both men and women.
The woman “gives it up” too freely and she’s told her value is nil. Btw, “too freely” is an arbitrary measure. It is an illusion to think there is a standard equation that can calculate this. The only thing that is standard is branding a non-credible formula as credible to present an opinion of blame for the woman being a shoddy gatekeeper of sex as fact.
Perpetuating this ideal portrays men as witless wonders incapable of wanting or being able to manifest commitment unless they are duped into it via sexual trickery. At the same time, it doesn’t account for the contradiction that men are brilliant masterminds who have the sole intention from the onset of using and making fools out of women for sport.
How can these two opposing thoughts be put out as logical? It is done after the fact by spinning a thread to fill in the blanks with supposition built upon seeing women as lesser – by both men and women alike, albeit for different reasons. The common occurrence is to take details presented by the woman and spin them into a tale of some flawlesssly executed plan where the woman reacted exactly in accordance with the brilliant yet witless sex crazed psychically gifted man. This is looking through a conveniently distorted lens of hindsight by the “advice giver” often for self serving purposes of feeling powerful, superior, a false sense of comfort that could never happen to them, etc., etc., etc…
Relationships don’t always work out. It is natural to seek an answer for why. It is not logical nor is it fair for onlookets to rewrite history in order to satisfy their own self serving needs to see the world as operating in a certain way for others so they can revel in a false sense of security for themselves.September 20, 2018 at 1:08 pm #721365
The man really wasn’t a ‘friend’ – you only knew him a few months. This was more of an unspoken arrangement. I don’t understand why you would have sex with a man first and THEN ask him what he wants.
But then, when he said he just wanted fun, that would have been an opportune time to discuss what kind of arrangement this really is. Instead you assumed.
I think the main problem with FWB is that in many cases, the couple never lay out the rules of engagement. I’m not suggesting to make a bid deal out of it, but at least come to terms with each other about what this non-traditional relationship is going to look like.
In this situation, what was the point of the OP having the man initiate almost all the get togethers? Do you do that with friends? So right out of the gate the feel of this was as if she was treating it like a courtship. OR, since she didn’t discuss it with the man, maybe his preference for FWB is that HE be the one to always initiate and have things on his terms. He said for her to contact him over the weekend, but that doesn’t mean he was going to agree to meet up with her.
Anyway, we can’t read what is in this man’s head. If you feel comfortable enough to take your clothes off with a man, you would hope that you feel comfortable to discuss and agree on terms instead of second guessing. He could be the type of man who tries not to prolong FWB situations. So many women are willing to engage in this, it makes it pretty easy for when a man gets bored or decides he wants to try someone new. Which is where I come back to my comment about ‘friendship.’ Such a misnomer to even put the word ‘friend’ in the title. Knowing this man two weeks and calling him a friend is pretty ridiculous, don’t you think?September 20, 2018 at 1:13 pm #721367
It also bothers me that the advice Lane gives (and many people give) is that women SHOULD always remain passive. Taking any action, even when a man nudges you or when you should be at a point in a relationship where you can speak up, it is somehow “wrong”. And not only is it “wrong”, it conveys that a woman is somehow “pushy”, “needy”, “crazy”, “weak” or “desperate”.
It may be bad “game” to text a guy, it may sometimes be the wrong move, but it’s not a demonstration of a character flaw in a woman. If a man is so weak that a woman texting him politely (not blowing up his phone)and asking him out makes him feel pressured, cornered, or pushed to the point where he can’t say yes/no/maybe…. I’d say he has the character flaw.
Women aren’t mind readers. When a man says “hit me up this weekend and we can hang out” after a great date or evening, it’s pretty hard to interpret that as OMG, he needs space. If he isn’t feeling it he can put on his big boy pants and respond. If he feels cornered and pressured, he needs to take a good look at his own self esteem and emotional situation and not just blame the girl for “being too into him, clingy”. He should also be accounting for his massive mixed signal. To be fair, we all change our minds and he has the right to decline her with no reason.
Look, had my sister in law read this site, or my 19 year old self read this site, she wouldn’t be 10 years into a marriage with my brother and I would not have had a pretty good 20 year relationship. Some men do want absolutely passive women; a lot don’t. It’s not a flaw to be a more assertive woman, it just might make you incompatible with some men (and vice versa).