Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Friends or Ex? What now?
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Tallspicy.
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Lola
I’ve previously posted on this website and got great advice so here I am again. I’m sorry if the below is too long and thanks for taking the time to read.
I broke up with my 4 months boyfriend because he was too distant so I became very anxious. Called him up so he came over, mentioned that I don’t want to talk to him anymore because I’m developing feelings and I know he doesn’t have the same feelings. The breakup was dramatic, I cried a lot, he also cried but he mentioned that he cannot have a relationship and cannot be in a couple (commitment issues) and he doesn’t want anything to make him stay in the city (he doesn’t like london and wants to leave). Long story short, after a dramatic session, he left and sent me a message directly that he will miss me and it’s not my fault but he has problems when someone is attached to him (I was never needy and gave him all the space he needed) and he’s sure I will find someone better than him. I didn’t even open the chat. 3 days later he tries to talk to me ‘Hello’ but I don’t answer. After a drunken night, I reached out and the funny thing is that he just kept talking like nothing happened which really got on my nerves.
I asked him why are we still talking (in a nice way) he mentioned that he would like to be friends with me especially that we work together. I asked if it’s ok for him for me to date others, he said it will hurt him but I am free to do whatever I want.
We kept talking ‘normally’ for 3 days, up until I was fed up this morning because I felt I was getting attached all over again, I stopped replying once and for all hoping he will get the message. He keeps texting about his flatmates, the weather, etc.. With no answer from my side. I’ve already done this once before when I was mad at him, but obviously we made up.
I do realize my behavior is not the best but I don’t want to go back to being his friend, and I do have the tiny hope that he will change his mind and I’m not sure how to behave. I’m not sure if I should keep him around, if I should tell him I started seeing someone else (which I did, and it’s going good), if I should keep ignoring him or if I should confront him again.
I feel like my mind and my perspective are not right and would love to hear a different perspective.Lane
The best thing a woman can do in this situations is take the “out of sight, out of mind” approach. Why? Because it give you the time YOU NEED to calm your emotions, and then really start picking it apart, dissecting yourself, not him, and determining why your ‘guydar’ is broken, picking these types of broken men?
Seriously think about why YOU want to be with a man who clearly told you he cannot attach (commit) to you? You sound a bit ‘co-dependent’ which may have stemmed from your upbringing? Parent(s) are the biggest influences in our lives, especially during our developmental years, and they don’t always teach their children good relationship skills, where oftentimes kids carry baggage into their adult lives. Some parent(s) are so bad they end up really screwing their kids up, some for life. Not saying this was yours but if its is, then YOU have some work to do to unravel it, by really digging deep and getting to the root of why you cling onto men like this.
I would start reading some self-help books such as “Co-dependent no More…” by Melody Beatty. If you don’t feel like it fits you or helpful then find one about “attachment styles” so you can be aware of yours, and others so you don’t attach to avoidant men, such as him. Also, learning how to set boundaries; how to be confident; what an interdependent relationship is and looks like, all would be great tools to get a good a start on the road to a happier life (learn how to love yourself), especially when a man is not in it, so you can bring that happy attitude, when one is :)
I would really take this time to work on, and fix the parts you some work on. Now is the time, especially if your young, to correct them so you don’t keep falling for the wrong men as it can really take a major toll on your self-esteem, and worth, if you don’t improve your ‘guydar’ (ability to spot men who are NOT good relationship material, nor would make a good long-term partner).
Lola
Thank you so much for your insight. I’ve actually been struggling alot with this guy from the beginning. I’ve never been anxious nor codependent up until I met him. I read alot about the attachment styles in a hope for me to rescue the relationship because I liked him. But having all the info I gathered about myself and even about his character (sometimes I would predict what he will do before doing it), I decided it was too much for me to handle and not worth it tbh. That’s when I decided to call it quits, and applying the out of sight out of mind approach.
Now the problem is me caving back to him few days after he reached out, getting the relationship back to whatever he wanted it to be (casual friendship whenever he feels like it) so he texted everyday and 0 emotions involved (he never showed emotions anyway) and that made me feel like s**t. That’s why today, I restored the no contact thing while he keeps taking to me (I suddenly stopped replying) and this is my confusion. Should I tell him to stop or should I keep ignoring him? I have to be honest and say that I do have the tiniest hope that we will get back together, even if my rational mind knows he is too avoidant.Tallspicy
Is it adult to ignore someone? No, it is not.
Bob, thanks for reaching out to me in trying to be friends. However, I think it is best we are not in contact right now. I will reach out when that something I can do. I truely wish you the best!
And then just don’t contact him.
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