follow up

This topic contains 46 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #728932 Reply


    hi, I open a new thread, because he knows about the old one and I thought there is a chance he won’t realise that this is the same story.

    this is a follow up to ‘long distance – bf moving in with a girl’.

    I changed my name too. I was ‘sarah, now I’m rebekah. sorry about the drama and confusion!

    anyway, an update: I suddenly found out that the room will not be available from the 1st of Decemeber, but from the 19th (apparently, the arrangmenets in the house have changed and one of the tenants is staying longer). That’s 3 weeks extra (and I have no proof that this is really hapenning, this is just what he’s telling me). I also read the thread (the old one) from the beginning and it really stroke me as a story of a very nice, loving girl involved with a jerk.

    so what do I do now? I promised myself earlier that the 1st of December is our deadline – either he moves out (it’s been too long already anyway) or I’m out.

    so if the 1st of December is not happening, should I break up then? I already told him that there is no way I’m waiting for additional three weeks, but probably within ten days I’ll know if he has a plan or not. do you think I should break up?

    #728933 Reply


    Give it until January and then decide. If he’s leading you on and stalling you will know by then.

    #728936 Reply


    Don’t let this thread make your decision. You know all aspects about him. Things happen with dates, schedules, etc. If you love him- that’s really hard to find.

    #728943 Reply


    My God you re-read that thread and came out that you were the sweetheart and he was the jerk? I thought you came across as controlling. And this thread seems to do the exact same thing. This man has done nothing wrong he is bent his back over to accommodate you and your neuroses. What are you gonna do?I don’t know, just dump him already if you really believe your own hype and drama. Seriously. I thought you got bad advice on that one and I think you’re getting bad advice now. You’re lucky he still with you

    #728947 Reply


    I agree with Anon. You are creating so much DRAMA in your relationship to the point you’re your own worst enemy. He’s done everything you asked and yet your still kicking him like a dog for something that’s outside of his control. I’m amazed he wants to stay with you as I wouldn’t have put up with all the nagging, mistrust and ultimatums you’ve been lobbing at him since he left. I don’t think you will ever be happy with him\ or this LD situation and should probably let him go since your so miserable and unhappy all the time.

    #728953 Reply


    I fully agree with anon and lane. I do hope you will break ip with him for his sake so he can find a girl that actually trusts him

    #728954 Reply


    You’ve already told him there’s no way you’re waiting another three weeks so sounds like you’re going to break up Dec.!1st.

    But why wait? He’s not going to find a different place to live on the next two weeks before the 12/1 deadline, so might as well just end it now.

    #728977 Reply


    I do agree with you, you do sound like a very nice, kind but naive and overly trusting girl.

    For a young new couples, what man in a relationship would have the audacity to suggest this type of thing to his GF? when he can afford to have different accommodations? At first you said he can’t afford it, so many tried to support you, but he simply did that for his entertainment and enjoyment, having no trouble causing you all this stress and pain. Only a person with no ability to empathise would do just a thing.

    I’ve been married for a long time, and we are now in an open marriage (long story, not a simple one) but I can tell you, my HB was stunned when I told you about your story. You are just starting out, a new couple. He said “guys are pricks these days”.

    Women who tell you that you are controlling, I’d like to see them in this situation. It is very easy to be “cool” on paper.

    And no it is not just a matter of whether YOU trust him or not. It is also a matter of how HE treats you and your feelings. A lot of times overly “trusting” people end up being taken for a fool.

    I also think that he is probably reading this post as well. Most people when they come to this forum, they read a couple of posts and then get hooked and start reading posts regularly, lurking behind the scenes for years. Men including. It only takes a few minutes to read the posts and comments if you don’t want to type your own comments, so there are hundreds of people behind the scenes of this forum, and if your guy has already read one post, chances are extremely high that he is reading others too, perhaps with a thought of finding another post by you. LOL Men aren’t stupid.

    Doesn’t rent start form the 1st of the month? then why would it take 3 more weeks?

    In any case by now he knows how upset you are by this situation, and yet he continues. In the whole city where you are, there is no other option for a guy who can afford things?

    But regardless, I think that even if he moved out NOW, you’d still would have a very hard time trusting him. Your resentment against him at this point is too high, given all the pain and stress you’ve been through. And given that he is not trying to make it easier on you even now. I don’t see this relationship surviving, so my advice would be not to delay the inevitable and break up with him.

    But I also know that you wouldn’t. If you were ready to break up, you wouldn’t be asking a question here. I guess you need to wait until your resentment reaches the tipping point. I hope it comes soon, for your sake, so that you can leave this a-hole, move on and find a decent guy.

    I would repeat this again for you. Do not hide your real feelings, trying to be “nice” or “cool”.

    Let this experience be a valuable lesson for you. People who care about you won’t be hurting you. Whether you are right or wrong to feel hurt, whether they “owe you” anything or not. They simply won’t continue causing you distress if they can help it.

    #729068 Reply


    Really? He should break up with me because I dared to confront him? Let’s not turn the tables – it’s him who’s been shady, I only called him out on it. This whole story has nothing to do with trust or insecurity, but everything with how someone is treating our feelings. It’s the insecure women who would just quietly pretend that everything is fine, out of fear of losing their men. Let’s not advocate a stereotype by which an assertive woman is a b*tch on a forum like this. I definitely don’t regret confronting him – if anything, I should have done this sooner. I don’t know if we are going to make it or not, but if I didn’t, we would have no chance.

    Again, I agree with Emma.

    I see your point Emma about the resentment and that even if he moves out now, our prospects aren’t great. To some extent it depends on how he is handling things from now on – that’s the only hope, I guess.

    #729069 Reply


    Poor him, he’s so embarrassed and stressed now because his woman caught up on the sexual tricks that he’s using on her and openly told him about it. Come on…

    #729070 Reply


    But anyway, I just wanted to see your opinions on this update, so thank you all.

    #729072 Reply

    Jenny OG

    Maybe I’ll read the first thread to fully understand the situation, but without doing so the only relevance is you said he you’d only wait till Dec 1st. Unless he’s proven himself so prized a possession that you’re more than willing to make compromises & concessions, you’d be foolish to fall back on your word. Do it once and he’ll know you’ll do it again, and again, and again, and again… if you give a mouse a cookie… If you’re not confident enough with your intention to follow through, don’t say it in the first place. With that being said, I would stay through Dec 1st, again because that was the agreement. Things change day to day, re-emphasize your stance, stagnate your emotional investment & let the cards fall where they may! :) Good Luck!

    #729075 Reply


    @Joe. 50% marriages don’t work out in the long run. And in the long run, we are all dead anyway LOL

    But thanks for your concern, duly noted.

    #729078 Reply


    Do you ever talk with your man? Really talk? Because there are so many things that he says that will tell you if things are progressing on this move outside of just a date.

    Has he talked about packing. Has he said if he wil take time off to move and how he will get his things moved there? Has he described the type of men who will be his roommates and what they are like? Did he describe the new apartment and what living conditions will be like? Will it be conducive when you visit?

    These are all normal and typical things you discuss about moving and filing in your friends or significant other. If all he did was give you a date in December, then ask about these other things. If he can’t provde detail than he probably is just blowing smoke up your butt.

    But stop with the drama and tantrums and speak with this man. Not by text but by phone.

    You never should have put a date on this for breaking up as December 1. He can’t contril if the current tenant is unable to leave until a few weeks later. In roommate situations it’s not like your doing your own lease and the occupants are guaranteed to be gone by the first of the month. Now you boxed yourself in and look foolish because you know you won’t be breaking up with him I don’t think you ever intended to but used this as a threat.

    Lastly. You are insecure about his fidelity. He doesn’t need to live with aeoman to cheat. She is a good enough friend that she asked him to move in with her. Is your next move to tell him he can’t see her or talk to her anymore? Have you discussed this? I ask this becaus eyou said you don’t want him reading her blog. Well, unless you have a child safety mechanism on his computer you won’t prevent him from reading her blog, looking at porn, hitting with women online or anything else he chooses to do.

    I would never have shown him your thread on here and asked him to read it. I cringed when you told him to do that. It’s one thing to post for advice, but as a man he must have mixed emotions about you complaining to strangers about your relationship with him. I know I would. You even said things in there about only wanting to visit him to get your expensive birthday present. If this goes down hill I’m afraid it will be your doing. Because if this man was in the up and up you have put him through a lot of emotional vomit for 2 or more months now. This has got to be getting really old for him.

    #729081 Reply

    Jenny OG

    Wow, I may have to read this one… You told him to read this thread?? As if a group of complete strangers with no type of expertise but rather personal opinions/suggestions would force him to concede? I’m sorry but that’s silly on so many levels. For one, why would you even want a man to be so easily influenced & by complete strangers at that, & 2, that shows a lack of confidence in your own stance- to need others to rally behind you. It’s like, I don’t give a flying f*ck what Jim, Jack, or John say, this is my perspective, shed some rational light on it and I’m absolutely open to discussion, but to say “SEE! THEY all agree with me” would just cause me to say… “Well, maybe you should date THEM!” Lol. Sorry if that’s harsh but that behavior just resembles someone reading the definition and/or traits of a narcissist then feeling they’re proficient enough to diagnose someone… That kinda sh*t’s just laughable. You almost lose all credibility with that approach… Again, I’m sorry if this is harsh, just my opinion *insert teeth clinched ‘Eeek’ emoji* Lol

    #729192 Reply


    Just break up with him.

    My god, what a lot of drama. I’ve been in a situation like yours before and just reading about yours caused me all kinds of stress and flashbacks. Seriously. Just let him go.

    #731165 Reply


    Ladies, it all worked well (so far).

    He is moving this Friday. I received a lot of criticism, so just to let you know – I actually never gave him an ultimatum. I was just super open about how the situation is making me feel. When he said that the room will not be available from the 1st, but the 19th, I just said that I don’t see us going through another three weeks of this. And guess what? He found a way to move out sooner. Everything is arranged for the new place, and he will just wait for it elsewhere.

    You were critisicing me for showing him the thread – I admit I regretted it too immediately afterwards. It was when I was tipsy and in the heat of an argument. Weeks later I think maybe it was not that terrible. At least he listened.

    I disagree with those of you who call me controlling. Believe it or not – I am one of the most chilled girlfriends that you would ever meet. OK was asking about porn and stuff like this – I have no issue with that. I watch porn myself. It really was all the circumstances combined – him moving in with a sex blogger when we’re turning into LDR, him telling me that she’s attractive, him using the sexual tricks from the blog on me, him being unavaiable when partying with her and all that.

    I’m glad I stood up for myself. You should do it too if anything like this ever happens. If you can learn a lesson from my story, here it is – be assertive, have strong boundaries, listen to Phillygirl, Padmini, Emma and many others.

    He’s behaving now and I’m so deeply in love again, but of course – he is being observed with caution. I hope that he was just slightly thoutghless and that he can learn from this experience. It was our first serious fight ever and sometimes they say that fights make you grow closer.

    #731166 Reply


    Ok. So he used ‘sex tricks’ he learned from her blog on you. So now that’s ok. He moved but still lives near her so can go to concerts and still see her. You are still LDR. He’s ‘behaving’ like a good pet. And you are so in love. But is he? All that happened is he moved to another place because you forced him to, what am I missing?

    #731167 Reply


    OK, I think I am missing your question. The situation was making me uncomfortable, he agreed to change it. We take it from there and hope for the best. (I actually don’t think he’s attracted to her, I just was annoyed about him being clueless enough to put me in a position like this). So what was your question?

    #731169 Reply


    Are you saying he is not in love with me?

    #731170 Reply


    If that’s so, then I feel I am getting a lot of contradictory advice. Some of you said I am treating him like a dog and no one should put up with this.

    I am not some kind of a codepenedt pink glasses person. I will be fine, with him or not, and I know it. But we have to admit, once confronted, he is doing his best. So maybe we as a couple deserve a chance? No?

    #731171 Reply


    Rebekah, thank you very much for appreciating and endorsing my input. It really means a lot to me. :) Now that that rough patch is overcome, I recommend that you go back to following your heart and heeding the perspectives of you and your boyfriend. So there is no need for you to again question this matter and have to prove anything to anybody on this forum. However, as you know, we are all here for you, if you need anything else from now onwards. :)

    #731172 Reply


    And of course, I am really very glad that everything is moving in the right direction for you both! :)

    #731173 Reply


    Cheers, Padmini :) This forum can be tough at times!

    #731180 Reply


    Padmini isn’t your most reliable advice on here, but if that works for you, great!

    My point is that you got this man to move because you forced him. He can still spend time with her even though he doesn’t live with her, nothing about what you posted showed you to be a chill girlfriend.

    You say he’s ‘behaving now’ as if he’s a trained puppy. Maybe it’s cultural and if you feel fine that you got your way, I’m happy for you. But he is still LDR and can do what he wants, see this woman if he wants. So not sure what your victory is.

    Good luck controlling your man.

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