First time apart


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This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Devil’s Advocate 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #713814 Reply

    Davina

    Hi guys!
    I don’t know if you remember my other post about the guy I’m recently dating that is bad at communication. Well I took your advice and didn’t bring up the issue and let it go. It worked a bit because he did get in contact after I stopped.

    He’s going away to visit his family soon and he’ll be away for 3 weeks. He did asked me to come visit him 1 weekend but it’s too early in the relationship for me to do that so I’ve politely turned it down, saying “maybe next time”.

    My issue is, I would like him to communicate with me a bit more when he’s away. Like maybe check in once a day, send a picture or two so I don’t forget how he looks like LOL but I’ve never had to have this type of conversation before (all my exes are great texters).

    Can someone please help me ‘script’ the words? So that I don’t come across as demanding, negative or clingy?

    Thanks x

    #713824 Reply

    Bedazzle

    Men fall in love when they get to miss a woman. Why don’t you give him that opportunity. Instead of being so focused on communication while he’s gone, focus on you. Start project, pick up an activity, do something for yourself. If you like this guy and you want his feelings to deepen for you let him miss you. I wouldn’t talk to him at all about it, it is nagging.

    #713825 Reply

    Joe

    Your other post – dating 3 months and that he asks you out once or twice a week. And yet, you’re still not satisfied. Now you want him to check in with you DAILY while he’s away visiting his family!?! Why can’t you let him enjoy his time with his family without submitting your unreasonable request!?!

    You sound insecure, needy, and high maintenance.

    #713828 Reply

    Bedazzle

    Three months in is to early in the relationship to visit him? Why is that?

    #713838 Reply

    Davina

    Hi Joe,

    Was that last comment really necessary?I am here as an inexperienced person asking for help so I don’t come across as needy etc. I’m not here looking for a cyber attack? I just wanted to let him know that I do want to hear from him and let the ball be in his court rather than blowing up his phone while he’s away! I’m not FORCING him to do so, hence why I’m asking how to word it! Jeez, what does a girl need to do to not be attacked on this forum?

    #713840 Reply

    Davina

    Hi Bedazzle

    Thanks for your comment! I think it is too early. I’ve never been on holiday with a bf unless it’s been a year together.

    #713845 Reply

    Davina

    To Joe again:

    Would it be better then if I don’t communicate my needs and wants to the person I’m dating? Pretend I don’t care when I actually do? Keep things bottled up and blow up on him when he doesn’t contact me?

    #713858 Reply

    Joe

    My last comment was how you come across by the words in your post. Even if your inexperienced, don’t you have common sense?

    You wrote:”..let the ball be in his court rather than blowing up his phone while he’s away!” WOW, the fact you would consider that, shows you have no self control.

    And why would you blow up on him if he doesn’t contact you while visiting his family? He’s NOT your boyfriend, just a guy you’ve been dating. I’m sure he knows you care, but you don’t have to try and prove it by suggesting he contact you. Let it be natural, if he wants to, he will. If he doesn’t, it doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of you. You need to calm down and back off..

    #713859 Reply

    Joe

    ** correction: ..even if you’re inexperienced..

    #713862 Reply

    Autumn

    Joe is obviously a woman with a mans name thinking we’d take her advise more seriously if it’s coming from a “man”. Obviously talks bitter as if a woman probably another user with another name

    #713864 Reply

    Bedazzle

    I am confused. Did he ask to see you over a weekend, or to go away with him on his holiday?

    Either way, I think your priorities are a little skewed. Spending time together is by far superior than texting. Men bond through activities together, not talking or staying in communication.

    If you can take Joe’s input objectively and not take it as an attack, I think there is information for you to gain. I do agree that you wanting him to be in touch with you daily while he is on vacation does come across as insecure, needy and high maintenance. And Joe is giving you a man’s perspective so your guy can likely see it the same way.

    Find for yourself what will fill that need you have for having him communicate daily. When you are single, you don’t feel that way, so now that you have a man, what is it that you are experiencing. Try and figure that out for yourself and fill that need on your own.

    As you go through life, you will learn that you are responsible for your own happiness. You may not, I see women late in life still blaming others for their unhappiness. This is a key life lesson right here that you have an opportunity to learn. Learn to fulfill yourself.

    #713868 Reply

    Bedazzle

    I don’t think how you script asking him for daily contact makes that much of a difference. It is all about where you are coming from.

    #713881 Reply

    Katja

    No don’t ask him in any way. Wish him to have a blasting holiday and leave him be. Don’t tell to keep in touch, have u updated, couple of pics etc nothing. Don’t text him first too. A wonderful chance to see if he takes u seriuosly & whether he will miss u. If he will, you will soon hear from him & get the communication you want.

    #713884 Reply

    Amelia

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    #713883 Reply

    Amelia

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    #713885 Reply

    nina

    Ball is already in his court—- he is going away and if he misses you he will be in constant touch with you anyways. If you aren’t important to him by telling him keep in touch you are forcing it and he will do it but you will never know if he is keeping the word or really missing you. If you insist in communicating your needs;I say just meet him in person day before he leaves, hug him and kiss him and say this is for you to last over there till you come. Have a blast! and don’t be a stranger. That’s it.

    #713897 Reply

    Amy

    The fact that he offered to spend time with you, and you declined, is going to make it hard to have a discussion with him about your need for communication and have it come across as honest.

    Let HIM make contact while he’s gone, and use the time alone to find ways to be happy without his influence.

    #713900 Reply

    Khadija

    This is a wonderful chance to allow him to miss you.

    I would highly suggest that you don’t tell him to check in once a day with pictures. If he wants to he’ll do so.

    Don’t you want to see if he will do this on his own without feeling obligated?

    Early on in my relationship I went on vacation for two weeks. While I was away I reached out when I could and sent a picture here and there. I didn’t contact my now boyfriend everyday and when I returned we missed each other.

    Tell him to have a great time and go about your business.

    #713902 Reply

    Ali

    I don’t think there is a way for you to have this convo WITHOUT sounding needy, personally. When someone is away, whether visiting family, on business, or just taking a vacation on their own, the expectation of daily contact is a pressure that they really don’t need or want. They should be able to enjoy their time pressure free. Use this time to get on with your own stuff, and when he does reach out to you, be appreciative and give positive reinforcement.

    I’m all for expressing needs, and, if for example, he didn’t reach out at all (as one woman here said a BF didn’t over a 2 week vacation) then that’s the time to have a convo when he comes back… but right now, give him a chance to show you his standard communication patterns during times like this and reduce your expectations.

    #713904 Reply

    Amy

    If a man is truly into you, he’s going to miss you when you’re not around. And if he never gets the CHANCE to miss you – never gets a break from the joy of your company – his sense of urgency and desire to spend time with you may suffer.

    If you eat filet mignon every day, you eventually get tired of filet mignon no matter how delicious it is.

    Give him the space he needs to miss you. And if he doesn’t miss you enough to make contact… you have your answer.

    #713905 Reply

    Davina

    Thank you to everyone for your input. I’ve decided to take your advice and won’t ask him.

    I only wanted to say that to him because I’ve never dated an older man. All my exes have been constant texters, literally everyday. Whereas with this new guy, it’s different so I don’t know how to handle the situation

    #713908 Reply

    Amy

    A man who is in a good place in his life, who is truly seeking a relationship, will show his affection more by being generous with his TIME than by texting.

    Texting is “instant gratification”, a means to say what’s on your mind at any given second. Spending time together is a much larger commitment (he could be watching a ball game or out with the guys, instead he gives that time to you!).

    If he invited you to come spend a weekend, misguided as the invite may have been, it shows that he’s willing to invest time. Particularly when it’s a family visit. Still doesn’t mean it’s true relationship potential, but it’s less likely to be a casual FWB thing.

    Our society has gotten so used to everything being out there on display, immediately available… sometimes I wish the entire internet would go down for a few days just so people have to deal with one another face to face for a while. Imagine what that would be like for the kids and teenagers, lol!

    #713920 Reply

    Newbie

    Amy advised you to be steak and you loved that advice but youre still being broccoli (i loved her remarks too lol). I think something else if off here and you dont feel secure with how this guy feels about you and you keep looking for validation with him becoming a texter.
    But age (only 3 years) has nothing to do with it. My guy is 47 and cant stop texting all day long. Its who he is. But all your avid bf texters are exes now, so it didnt last.
    Also teachers are not that busy. Its kind of a normal job where you get enough time for your private life. So you have to ask yourself: what is nagging at you inside? There must be something.
    You either are what Joe described (i dont think she is a man), easy to keep because youre to busy keeping the man and looking for validation and lacking a full life where there is room for man but also for lots of other stuff.
    Or he is making you insecure cos you dont know where you stand. You are dating exclusively for 3 months but he wont label it. It can be a sign he is not all in. It can be a mix of anxious/avoidant style too.
    I am inclined that you would ask him how he sees where this is going but not im this case.
    Let him go on his holiday and you go spend 3 weeks focussing on entirely yourself. You read how you wil be a steak which means becoming more confident, loving your life and seeing a man as a bonus. I once asked my man what makes a great man and he said the size of his heart. So i asked him if the same goes for women. And he said, no that she doesnt need a man. There lies the key for your power and how to handle relationships. Also look why you exes are exes. Read some books like why men love bitches (dont become one please). The goal is not to change you into a man magnet but just to realize you can make your life good. Throw in a trip for yourself as well.
    So he goes away and you are having fun. You will fond pit when he comes back how he feels for you. And if you mastered the art of oil painting in the meantime you will be hard to resist. Good luck

    #713962 Reply

    Devil’s Advocate

    You talk about this guy being an older man but he’s only 3 years older than you? That barely even counts!! Just tell him you hope he has an amazing time with his family and to maybe send you a pic once in awhile to show how the vacation is going. Then he is free to decide what “once in awhile” means to him!

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