This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Kass 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
December 1, 2020 at 2:45 am #828118
I’ve been with my Fiancé since 2018. We have been through a lot together and have worked together to solve issues. He is currently seeing a counselor for trauma endured in his childhood and how that effects his relationships/how he treats people now. He is sweet and generous most of the time but has a tendency to overreact verbally in disagreements or issues.
My partner works a very physical job and has complained of minor pains in the past. Weve discussed that he needed to find a less physically demanding job even before this, but a few weeks ago he woke up with sciatica pain screaming. I took him to urgent care that day, the er the next day etc. I’ve been devoted to taking care of him since it happened. He normally does a lot of the driving and I’ve done all the driving including taking him to chiropractic decompression appointments 30 minutes away, I’ve still been working full time from home (I’m in education) and have tried to make him comfortable in every way. According to his mri he has a bulging disc that’s pushing in the sciatic nerve. He’s driven once in the last few weeks, can’t even sit up in a chair and doesn’t sleep well at night. He moves from the couch to the bed and back. I’ve tried everything from pillows to switching sides of the bed to sleeping out on the couch with him. They gave him steroids and a specific pain reliever (not an opioid) which he ran out of a long time ago.
I’m trying really hard to be patient, but his verbal treatment of me has gotten worse and worse. I cook for him, stay up with him (haven’t gotten a good nights sleep in forever), drive him everywhere etc. only to be treated very sweetly half the time and to be yelled/scolded at half the time. I’m not resentful of taking care of him, he took good care of me during my knee injury and I want him to feel better. I’m just tired of getting my feelings hurt.
Today I worked and took him to another appointment. We were supposed to grab dinner to bring home and have a romantic time together. He insisted on going to a marijuana dispensary. It’s legal in our state. Keep in mind he hasn’t used weed in the time we’ve known each other or truly for medical purposes. He used to use it once in awhile if he’d had a long day at work to mellow out a bit. I’ve never used pot, just don’t care to for my own reasons, so I’m no expert. He claimed he was trying to use it for pain relief and to sleep which I believed, but I just had apprehension about it and wanted to focus on the evening together. Anyway, he got what he wanted and I took him to get weed. Along the way I was told to stop driving like a granny, told to F off, told I was a square, told I was selfish etc. because I didn’t feel comfortable with him using it. He apologized and was sweet and nice for a few hours and bought my mom and I presents for Christmas for cyber Monday. I got him some too. Once he smoked he coughed really loud..he spent the whole time complaining how hot he was and that I wouldn’t shut up. He’d want to cuddle but complain I was hogging the whole bed, Which I wasn’t and he never says normally.Then the next minute he’d say I love you and I’m here for you. He’s all over the place. He also said it was still hurting so much but the weed took the edge off. He’s asleep now, I haven’t slept/have a headache and am still hurt and upset. I’m wondering if overreacting, how I should act tomorrow etc. We are normally a couple that spends lots of time together and I thought at least with him off we could relax some together.December 1, 2020 at 10:03 am #828198
Stop being so ‘nice.’
Make some time & take some space for You…December 1, 2020 at 12:53 pm #828244
I would have deposited him on the side of the road, speaking to me like that when I’m trying to help.December 1, 2020 at 1:17 pm #828250
He’s taking everything out on you. And you’re letting him. You can support him AND not be a doormat. I have been with my man since 2018 as well, and helped him with some serious surgery and months’ long recovery and not ONCE did he snap, yell, disrespect me. Verbal abuse is not normal and you don’t have to take it. It’s great that he’s getting professional help to deal with his trauma and his abusive tendencies towards you, but you can also require from him to be treated with respect and dignity. The minute he lashes out, stop whatever you’re doing and remove yourself from the situation. If he has to suffer on his own for a while, then so be it. His choice. You have a choice as well and I hope that choice is that you will not let yourself be his verbal punching bag. That wears a soul down.December 1, 2020 at 2:18 pm #828261
I remember a post a while ago about a woman with a knee injury and her fiancee not being nice at all. Was that you too?
I do understand he is in a lot of pain and i also understand why he would want to smoke weed for some pain relief and not being mr charming in these times. For you to expect some nice times when he is at home is totally unrealistic. Nobody with severe pain is enjoying himself. So im not sure if youre mad about not having romantic times of him treating you like a doormat. Talk to him. Make him explain that you understand he is in pain and want to help him but not if he takes it out on you. And i also agree with mama, stop doing stuff if he yells or something like that. He is your fiancee, so how do you want to resolve stuff? Talk to himDecember 1, 2020 at 4:20 pm #828275
You will probably not listen to this or even hear me, but since you are being abused I have to try:
Do NOT marry this guy. I would end it now. I can promise you this – if you stay with him it will NOT have a happy ending. When someone shows you who they are – believe them. He is showing you who he is.
I’ve seen wonderful people on their WORST days/trauma and they’d never dare treat someone this way. It’s because they are good people and all that bulls**t you mentioned is simply not inside of them.
I’d recommend seeing a therapist so you can work on your self-worth – if you had it now you would have never tolerated this behavior and let him control you and abuse you like this in the first place.December 2, 2020 at 12:11 pm #828518
Thank you all for the feedback, I appreciate it. I think there were a lot of valid points made. Raven mentioned that I should stop being so ‘nice’ and take time for myself. This is something I struggle with in general, because a lot of times I put other people’s wants and needs above my own. I need to focus more on self care in order for my own happiness and self esteem. I know I feel frustrated and burned out, between him acting that way, neither one of us sleeping much at all, being constantly busy with my work home situation etc.
Regarding what Andrea said, I don’t know if I would have actually had him get out, especially since we were in his vehicle so he would have more vehicle. However, I could have pulled over and told him to apologize and stop or else I would head home. There is no way that conversation should have kept going and I should have stopped engaging. I started saying things like there was no way he should be speaking like that to me and that I had a right to express my own opinion, particularly regarding something that would impact me.
Mama’s post particularly hit home. I can be supportive of my partner and the injury situation and not be in a doormat. I admit I’ve put up with some rotten treatment and helped him right afterward which needs to stop. If he is making the choice to treat me badly or say mean things, I need to leave the room or do whatever it takes to not engage with him until he is ready to be respectful and apologize. Driving in the car, I am more in a difficult spot, because we are taking his vehicle to appointments like I mentioned, and I can’t leave the situation easly.I gave it some thought and my plan is to verbally warn him that I am going to stop the car and pullover until he can stop and if it still does not stop, I will take him home directly and inform him I will not be taking him anywhere the next day, because I do not deserve that treatment especially when I am just taking him where he needs to go…and I need to stick to that. I continue on in this relationship, because I believe we both love each other and as mentioned, he is in therapy and actively working on how he treats me and others. He has been willing to get help and feels remorse when he treats me badly, which he has mentioned to his counselor. I agree that things cannot continue the way that they are and I cannot let him to treat me like a verbal punching bag while he’s working on his issues.
Newbie…yes I have posted on here before about our relationship and my knee injury awhile ago. While my fiance did a lot to take care of me when I was injured in 2019, there were times he was not kind or understanding. I felt overall that our communication and relationship has improved a lot since then..however, recently he is getting into old patterns of verbal mistreatment like on Monday. I have spoken to him about what happened and plan to talk to him more when I have had some more time to think and process. This is his first real injury in his life and he has admitted on many occasions he is not handling it well. He admitted to being angry about the injury, taking it out on me, and taking me for granted. I do get that he is in a LOT of pain. This isn’t like a typical injury in that he is literally crying out in pain several times a day despite treatment and medicine, and that it is impacting our sleep so much more. My knee injury went on last year from February until I made a big step in October and was able to go back to work. His injury has been going on a little over 3 weeks, but in comparison to a very occasional night where I didn’t sleep during my injury…it’s pretty much every night with this one. He wakes me up quite frequently by telling me he’s moving to the couch from the bed and back or tossing/turning constantly.
I actually understand why he wanted to try the weed as another option for the pain. The thing that was extremely frustrating in the situation was that he literally had a doctor’s primary care appointment coming up Tuesday morning (yesterday) and I wanted him to wait on pursuing the weed thing until after that appointment and to hear the doctor’s suggestions first/see if they put him on more meds for the pain etc. He was being totally unreasonable about wanting to go right that minute and not willing to consider edibles or a THC free patch sold specifically to help pain that the chiropractor/his office lady specifically mentioned. I was also skeptical that it would help that much, being as due to it being a nerve injury, even opiods are not very effective. He took prescription muscle relaxers the first week and no relief. Not only did it not help, it made him cough/hurt in his lungs and feel paranoid (his words). He also mentioned it made him perceive things as smaller than they were which was disorienting and that it was a completely dumb idea, especially the way he handled it. I told him some of the things that were discussed on this post. That I understand him being grumpy, frustrated, bummed out etc. but that I can’t continue to be treated this way. That I will warn him if I feel he is being disrespectful, but if he doesn’t stop I will take him home or remove myself from the situation until he is calm. He said he understood that and that he doesn’t want to lose me.
In regards to the other thing that Newbie mentioned about limiting my expectations of fun/happy times with him being in so much pain, I have mixed feelings on that. I TOTALLY understand him being grumpy/frustrated/not his most charming. Between lack of sleep and so much pain, I know he isn’t having a good time. However, since I am around him all day every day with him being home/me working from home and since I am taking good care of him/doing everything I can to help him…I feel that he needs to be respectful and try his best to focus on some good things while we are spending time together. For example, we can sit and watch a movie on the couch and cuddle the best we can with his injury. If he needs to ice or change positions or cry out in pain, etc. that is all understandable and fine.I feel I am being patient and understanding for the most part. When I hurt my knee and couldn’t even walk for awhile, I still went out and participated and tried to enjoy myself and activities with him. I even did what sexual/physical things that I could during that time with him. He has a harder time going places, but I think we should both try to enjoy ourselves with stuff at home. I always ask if he is okay or if he has an issue. So by a romantic night, I meant time alone at home cuddling, kissing, watching movies, playing video games together etc. that he is able to do. Just some nice time together. We have had those nice moments too.
Kass I did read your post and totally understand your concerns. Under no circumstances should he treat me this way, it is verbal abuse and you are correct in saying that a lot of people would never stoop this low. I do need to monitor this behavior and see how he responds to what we have talked about, because things cannot continue like this. I don’t want to be miserable in marriage or be treated like this in front of my future children. I know with kids it is an even bigger concern. As I mentioned in my original post, he is in therapy to deal with issues from his childhood including abuse from his parents and another person. I know that these things are definitely impacting his treatment of me in a big way and he needs other tools/methods of coping. It is NOT an excuse for his behavior or to just treat me badly. I have seen him following through with therapy and he has made positive changes over the course of our relationship including quitting smoking cigarettes after doing it regularly for several years. We do plan to pursue couples counseling before getting married to work through any communication or other issues, but we both agreed he should start with individual therapy first based on how he handles conflict/stress and the negative impact his family/childhood has had on all of that. Please know that I am not taking the situation likely and am standing up for myself. I know as a person that I teach others how to treat me. I have no issue seeing a therapist myself and have before for a few different issues. I realize in order for our relationship to be more healthy, we both need to make changes and improvements. I struggle not to engage in an argument once something has been said. I have a tendency to want things resolved immediately and struggle to give others space to cool down or to let the situation settle down. I also want to please my loved ones, so I actively work on standing up for myself in a healthy way. In the situation for the last night, while I in no way deserve what was said to me, I could have taken him home and calmly stated that I want you to see the doctor before making a decision about trying weed. I don’t feel comfortable taking you tonight so if you must go get this, you will have to go yourself. I spoke to him about considering how his decisions effect his partner and that as a couple who is getting married, we both need to listen to each other and consider how both people feel. He mentioned in previous relationships of his that each partner made their own decisions seperately and that there wasn’t much consideration about how the other person felt. He said no one cared that much about him the way that I do and just let him do his own thing, so he is needing to change that. One person shouldn’t dictate how everythng goes and we need to work together and communicate better in various areas.December 2, 2020 at 12:29 pm #828524
I do understand the difficult position you are in but i also see you are rewriting history already. I had a hunch you posted about the knee injury and although i dont remember details i do remember him being an as/s. And yet now you write he cared so much for you. Dont make things prettier than they are. This is man struggling with anger issues and taking it out on you. Thats an issue you cant wipe under the carpet. Is there a way for you two to take a time out? As in where you go someplace else for this month? Because right now youre acting like the nurse in charge. He is a grown man. If he want to get weed, he can get weed. Its up to you to decide if its a dealbreaker for you. Im not saying this because i think youre at fault. I dont think you are. I just think youre in the wrong dynamic and if he wants help he has to ask for it. That rule first. Second i would take a break. This is exhausting. Assuming he is in pain but can move around, he can take care of himself. Dont be a doormatDecember 3, 2020 at 2:58 pm #828768
Are you his mommy or fiance’? I get woman are the “nurturing specie” but too much of it is suffocating and I think he’s feeling suffocated by you. This is a very “co-dependent” relationship and if you don’t nip this in the bud now its going to eventually exhaust and burn this relationship out.
I simply would NOT put up with any verbal abuse, period. You are establishing a precedence by allowing it and he is now getting into a bad habit of doing it knowing you will just suck it up and eat it. Once this pattern starts and takes hold, it will be super difficult to impossible to undo. Need to end this now and if dumping him on the curb like the other poster mentioned and telling him to find his own way home if he can’t be nice, then do it.
I am a really sucky patient too. However, when I’m in pain I don’t want to be waited on hand and foot, if anything, I want to get back to normal as fast and as quickly as possible which is why I do stuff on my own even though my partner would do it for me. I don’t cater to manbabies. I will do a little bit but that’s it, whereas at some point they have to get off their arse and start doing for themselves as it hastens healing. By keep him from doing thing for himself gives him no incentive to do it and feeding into this vicious cycle the both of you have developed.
Stop doing everything for him. He’s not a baby so stop treating him like one. Yes, I know what sciatic pain feels like as I suffer bouts of it due to the high level of physical work I engage in running my business but I don’t allow it to affect me, nor does it stop me from working, nor does it give me license to talk to my partner or employees like he talks to you because if I did they would leave or quit and rightfully so!
I’m not trying to blame this all on you but you really need to take 20 steps back and tell him you are not his mommy, that he needs to start learning how to work through the pain and become independent again. Read up on “interdependent relationships” as that’s the goal the two of you need to start working towards as this co-dependent relationship will suck you dry. Been there, done that, will never ever ever do it again!December 3, 2020 at 9:12 pm #828825
Sing it, Newbie! Love your latest post here. He has GOT to go.
OP- healthy relationships are built on the 4 c’s- consistency, commitment, consideration, and compromise. You do not have that. You haven’t and I am so sure you never will with this guy. “Three hours” of “good treatment” does not earn points or allow for bad behavior. It absolutely means you have no consistency. That is a vicious cycle that will never end as long as you stay.