Fiancé wants a break but still calls me constantly


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This topic contains 36 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #750439 Reply

    Samantha

    So two days ago my fiancé out of nowhere wanted a break, and wanted to break up. I though we where doing good, and there were no big fight or problems before he dropped the bomb. I was totally shocked and blind sided so you can se where my first reaction was far from “perfect”.

    I wanted answers and an explanation and after asking and asking and asking, this was his reason: I am stressed at work, I want alone time and I’m just not sure if I want to get married to you now, but i love you. Great, exactly what you want to hear from the man you think you are going to spend the rest of your life with. He proposed so why would I ever doubt that.

    I’ve been crying for two days straight now, and at the same time he has been calling constantly. I’m talking 4-5 times a day because he misses me and just wants to see me on facetime. Like he put it “you know I cant go a day without seeing you”. Talk about mixed signals. I asked him why can’t we just be together, we dont have to get married right away, but no that was not a option. He just doesn’t want to be with me right now. He needs the space.

    How can he have space when he calls me constantly, txt me on social media and tags me in everything. Whats the point, if you want a break and you actually break up with me for it. Shouldn’t you stay away from me?

    I need major advise, I’m beyond confused.

    #750440 Reply

    Jess

    He sounds like a lot of mess. Cut him off and let him see what life is like without you. This man doesnt want you and im sorry.

    #750441 Reply

    Honeypie

    That sounds ultra confusing. He sounds all over the place. Could be guilt and attachment to you which is flipping him out, and he seems in two minds maybe as to what he wants. I don’t know if it’s bst to not contact and insist on that for at least a couple of weeks or put some boundaries around agreeing contact. There’s lots that suggest no contact will hopefully lead to a partner missing you to a degree that they decide they want back and work on it, there’s also a risk it’ll make a break up easier. Is he always full on like this? He seems scared it’s over or might be and can’t break the attachment

    #750446 Reply

    Newbie

    I dont know if there is a say to handle a break up “perfect” from your fiancee. Of course you have questions and are upset and confused. What else would you be?
    When a guy does this in a settled relationship (im talking beyond 4 months) the chances are high he is stressed about other parts of his life and questioning also his ability to be a good partner. Unsure about career choices maybe, or money or high work stress levels.
    Sounds like your guy
    I think you need to show him tough love: meaning tell him it was your choice to break up and therefore you give up your position in my life. I have to deal with that and dont want you to contact me. If for whatever reason you change your mind, come back and talk to me. But give me at least a month to comprehend this and deal with it. Something like that. You have a right to be upset here. So cut him off

    #750447 Reply

    Raven

    He can’t have it both ways… Cut him off.

    #750459 Reply

    sisi

    You need to show him what life is like without you, and he might change his mind…

    keeping constant contact just ease the pain, and help him to transition out of your life…

    #750465 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    He’s being completely manipulative. I agree with other posters that you should cut him off.

    He can’t have it both ways– he says he wants to end the relationship but wants your constant attention? That’s bullsh*t.

    And yeah if you cut him off totally, say no contact at all for at least a month, it will make him realize how much he misses you and needs you. Allowing him to string you along like this only makes it easier to eventually wean himself off of you.

    #750466 Reply

    Wow

    Most of the time when men ask for a break it’s because they found someone else they are interested in. If things don’t work out he will be back which is probably why he is keeping you on a string.

    #750484 Reply

    Lane

    Cut him off now!!! I have found this works the best for ME because right now he doesn’t really give a crap about YOU, he’s caring more about is own guilt and your giving him a pass and enabling him to become guilt free…screw that!

    If a man is confused then you give him all the space in the world to figure it out and if he doesn’t come crawling back into the same position of a fiance’ then you don’t allow him to downgrade you to ‘a friend’ or worse an FWB! It’s either ALL or NOTHING and if its a “nothing” then you cut him off and start the process of mentally ending it so you can properly heal and move on with someone who wouldn’t dream of hurting you this way.

    Sorry this happened but you really need to take your POWER back! You need to take over the reigns and make him fully feel what his life will be like without you it in it! I know its HARD and PAINFUL but it must be done for your own sake and sanity by relieving him of him guilt and giving him ‘a pass’ to treat you like crap because that’s what your doing by continually engaging with him. BE STRONG…you can do it! :o)

    #750491 Reply

    Samantha

    Thank you guys for all the advice. I have ignored him now and so far he has called me 10 times and I have not picked up + one text wishing me a good day. I feel horrible that I’m ignoring him, but really trying to stay strong. No contact is hard.

    #750492 Reply

    Samantha

    Should I send him a text telling him I don’t want any contact before he decides on what he wants to do?

    #750495 Reply

    Lane

    No! He knows exactly what he’s doing or he wouldn’t be doing it. Stop giving him permission to treat you like this! Stay SILENT, let him drown in his own bowl of guilt because one text will lead to another to another to another!! STOP THE CYCLE and get off the merry-go-round going nowhere!

    Unless he say’s he made a huge mistake, you’re the one he wants to spend his life with and apologizes for making a horrible mistake and begging you to give him another chance as A FIANCE, you give him nothing because right now he’s not giving you anything but a lot of pain, heartache and sorrow. Stop giving him the pleasure of watching you suffer.

    #750497 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Good for you for not picking up his calls and ignoring his text! Stay strong. If you need to, put your phone on silent, put it away, give it to a friend to hold, go for a walk & leave the phone at home- whatever you need to do to NOT reply.

    Don’t text him that you don’t want contact. You don’t need to tell him that you want no contact. Your actions (or lack thereof) will tell him everything he needs to know, in a much more powerful way. Sending no message is a strong message in and of itself.

    Look at it this way. If he’s going this bonkers after only 1 day of no contact (10 calls?)– imagine how he’ll feel after a week or two…..I know it’s terribly hard for you but like Lane said, you need to take your power back. Accepting his calls or replying to his texts right now is just a show of weakness and he’ll know he’s got you on his string.

    If you keep this up I’m willing to bet he comes crawling back begging your forgiveness and saying he’s made a huge mistake. For now you need to stay strong and ignore his calls & texts.

    #750501 Reply

    kaye

    While I totally agree with all the advice here to cut him off and make him feel your absence and the true weight of his decision, I don’t agree with just ignoring someone in some effort to make them crazy! I think that’s harsh and rude and disrespectful.

    Plus it makes it harder on you to keep seeing these calls and texts coming in. He doesn’t know at this point if something has happened to you, if you’re busy, if you’re pissed off, etc. Best way to handle this is to say, “Look, you wanted a break because you’re stressed at work and requested some alone time. I am giving you that time. Please do not contact me until you have taken the time to figure out what you want. When I accepted your proposal it was because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You need to figure out if that is what you want too because I’m not waiting around forever.”

    #750503 Reply

    Tina

    What Kaye said. Just ignoring him is passive aggressive, tit for tat and doesn’t solve anything. Send the message she suggests, then block him so you can get on with your life without him playing mind games with you every day by calling and texting constantly. Everyone is on point – he needs to feel what life is like without you. And if he comes around, you make him work like hell to get you back.

    #750510 Reply

    Paige

    I say keep ignoring him. This is what he wanted so he has to live with it. Oh well.

    #750512 Reply

    Lane

    I disagree Kaye. Telling him to not contact her will only restart and perpetuate the cycle because then he’ll respond, then she’ll feel compelled to respond to his response(s)…..and the merry-go-round continues.

    He’s the one who wanted and asked “for space,” not her, and at this point she needs to grant him all the space he needs to figure out what he really wants on his own. This is not ‘passive-aggressive” behavior, its her SHOWING HIM that he has to live with the choice(s) he made. Like my mother used to say “if you make your bed, you get to lie in it” meaning if you make choices in life you will have to live with the fallout or consequences of those actions. He needs to lie in the bed HE MADE and determine if this is the bed he wants to lie in or not.

    #750513 Reply

    Tina

    Clear communication is beneficial to the OP. She speaks her piece and stands in her power. It’s a very empowering thing to speak your truth to someone. She needs to say it, he needs to hear it. She’s struggling with this situation and when she SPEAKS, she hears herself and gets clarity she needs.

    Also, if he really won’t stop and she needs to threaten him with or take legal action, she will need to show that she told him to stop contacting her. Best way is to show a text or email.

    #750514 Reply

    Tina

    And Lane, the “merry-go-round” is already going full tilt. She loses nothing by telling him to stop it.

    #750524 Reply

    a mama

    I really like Kaye’s suggested text message. It gives the man clear expectations on how to get back into the woman’s good graces. I hope the OP decides to use it.

    #750530 Reply

    Lane

    It’s up to the OP to decide what to do at this point. She will be the one to live with whatever choice she makes to contact or gives him a no contact order because that’s how I would view it with an ultimatum attached and that could stop the natural flow of thoughts he may be having by the constant need to reach out which I take somewhat as a good sign.

    If he asked for space then he needs to FULLY FEEL every single inch of the space he asked for where I would not respond unless it was a “I royally screwed up….” I would at least hold off for a few more days to see what he does and not respond yet. If he keeps calling or texting the amount he is now then use the one Kaye said, but I would not do it yet and give him a few days to FULLY FEEL what his life without her in it feels like so whatever decision he does not make does not feel forced or coerced by her at this point and came to it on his own.

    Not all strength or empowerment comes through words but through ACTION and this IMO is the best time for her to take some power back by granting him the space he requested. Let him chew on his words for at least a few days and let them see how they taste before you give him a no contact order.

    #750531 Reply

    Lane

    Opps meant to say “She will be the one to live with whatever choice she makes to go NO CONTACT (stop replying or responding) or gives him a no contact order….”

    #750541 Reply

    Stephen

    He is calling you constantly not because he wants back with you but because he fears going into yet another sex drought.* When a man asks for space it usually means one of two things. First he thinks that you spend way too much time together and he resents your constant demands. Second he is bored with you and wants to fade out.

    * If men weren’t extremely afraid of the idea of going months without sex they wouldn’t enter into relationships or go on dates so quickly,nor agree with everything a woman said.
    They’d be much slower to make things official and they’d drop a woman for the slightest misstep on her part.

    #750543 Reply

    Stephen

    Oops I forgot that he was her fiance. In this case he has decided that he doesn’t much fancy the idea of spending the rest of his life with you. I was going to apologise for being blunt,but I decided that you need to hear the cold hard truth.

    #750547 Reply

    Anne Ohio

    Look, hes bored with the sex and doesn’t want to get married.

    He wants to be free to pursue others. Hes contacting you when hes got nothing else going, because he knows you love him. Hes using that love for his own purposes. Block him. Give the ring back.

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