Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Feel Awful About Not Being Supportive of His Move
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 4 years, 2 months ago by
tammy.
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Trexy
My boyfriend moved away for work. It’s a permanent move. He has other opportunities other places that I would prefer, but I’ve been supportive throughout the entire process until this weekend. I freaked out in a moment of weakness and asked him to come back. Now he’s not contacted me in 24 hours. I know that seems like no time, but we don’t usually have that much lag time. I want to take it all back and reassure him that I still support his move, but don’t want to make it worse. What do I do? Wait?
kaye
If you haven’t already apologized for your freak out then I suggest you do!! It’s not going to make it worse unless you’ve already apologized then you’re just rehashing it again. Also since this is a permanent move, what are the plans for you to eventually join him? LDR don’t do well if there is no end date.
Trexy
There is no plan. He said he would like for me to visit and when he is settled maybe move me out to be with him. But no real future plans. We are not young and can pivot fairly easily because we are established in our careers. I feel like I am hounding him and not being fair. I feel like I have got to be willing to lose him if I truly love him and care about his happiness. Does that make sense?
alia
Yes, you need to let this one go. He made his choice and you can be angry about it, but it’s his choice. I would downgrade this relationship as he has already don’t for himself by moving away. Surely you weren’t as important a consideration in his decision as you make him to be in yours.
Vera
How long have you been with him ?
Well yes there’s no reason for you to hound him but if you’ve been with him for awhile and there’s no end to this or concrete plans to be together (especially if you’re not super young and are established ) then you just have to decide for yourself if it’s worth staying with him.Trexy
We’ve been together for 5 years. I understand why he had to leave. It was really for advancement that he couldn’t get where he was. I think I would be in a better place about this if I was secure in where I fit in the picture. It would be an easy transition for me because of my industry. We’ve been together too long to not have a better handle on this move. I’ve even considered it might be his way to ease out of the relationship. Things seemed to be going so well prior to this. My head, heart, and gut are telling me 3 different things.
peggy
Hi Trexy-if you have been 5 years together and he moved without making a clear plan to live together/be married/have you move to him etc.-then I think you are right to feel he is “easing his way out”. You are both older,so his non commitment is not due to age or school etc.
I would give it a week or two without contacting him and see what he says or does,if anything. Then when he gets in touch,or especially if he doesn’t,I would call him.
I would tell him that you feel you are in a limbo situation and you want clarity. If he wants to continue the relationship,as you hope,he must get a definite plan in place and see if you agree to it. Example- ” Trexy,I want you to come here within 3 months,we will get a place together and get engaged”. ( Be sure if that happens that there are signs he is sincere and plans to follow through,has regular contact with you and plans for the two of you to see each other in the meantime) Or if he wants to break it off,then make it clear to you.
Seems like he is keeping you on a string to see what is “out there”. Or if you really feel now he is ignoring you-just break it off and MOA to find a guy that shows you how important you are to him.kaye
Wow. 5 years and you could easily have moved with him but that wasn’t offered? If after that long you don’t know where you fit in the picture, then I’m afraid you aren’t in the picture!! Was this a relatively quick move? I mean did they tell him if you want this job you have to be there in 2 weeks or something? How long has he been gone?
Vera
I don’t think you should feel bad about not being supportive . You’re justifiably hurt not knowing where things are going .
If I were you I wouldn’t fight about it but just tell him it’s been awhile and you don’t want some never ending thing that is now long distance . Be nice about it but put yourself first .Phoebe
Just out of curiosity… After how long would it be reasonable to expect to move in with someone?
Tallspicy
If a man is not talking marriage in 2 years, he is not going to. This guy is a time waster, be glad he’s gone. And you need to understand why you would be with someone who is making no real moves to escalate your relationship for this long. That is on you.
T from NY
He moved without you after five years!
equals –
He is not your person!It’s very sad we women become so enmeshed in a man we stop seeing what we deserve. This guy was never serious about you if he didn’t progress the relationship to living together before you moved, then he took a job and didn’t ask you to move with him, now he’s completed the move and seems to have no worries you’ll be snatched up or that you’ll realize you’re worth more — and you’re over analyzing the support YOU’RE offering.
Please pull wayyyyyyyy back. See this as a breakup unless he MAJORLY does an about face and reallllllllllly convinces you to move there. If not. He’s wasted enough of your precious years already and you deserve someone invested in you.
tammy
I agree with the posters here. despite being together for over 5 years, he moved there without discussing with you as to how you guys could continue your relationship. if he really wanted you moving there subsequently to be with him, he could have encouraged you as well to look for working options there. what is worrying is that he made the move without thinking about how you could also make the move with him. no discussions at all on all that.
I can imagine how upset you must be. but I don’t think you freaking out on him is going to get you the answers that you desire. by doing this, you in fact will give him an easy excuse to call this off citing your behaviour.
time to step way back. easier said than done. but your freaking out clearly shows as you very well know that this is could probably be coming to an end from his side. step back. you perhaps need to think over things and let your emotions calm down. also give him time to think, settle in his new job and place. give him ample time and space to reflect on life and miss you. also figure out how u feel and what you should be doing? let him take the effort to stay in touch. I think you will have all your answers within a month. but please do not freak out or force things. they will not yield the answers or get you the results that you desire.
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