This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Hosier 6 months, 2 weeks ago.
July 15, 2019 at 10:42 pm #757139
I am terrified of men and getting too close to them.I don’t like risking it. I almost get there and run away leaving the guy blindsided. It’s not a pre meditated intention. I”m not that smart or kiniving. I go by instinct. I go into survival mode when men pursue me. I take it as a threat. I dont know why. Im still trying to figure it out. If it does not feel right, I avoid it. If I DONT FEEL SAFE, I DON’T TRUST IT.
The ones i end up in a relationship with never get that close and give up because they got bored or argued with me too much. The two men I chose were out of convenience becaue I didnt want to be alone. The first one was never around but talked to me on the phone everyday. The other was home all day everyday and hardly ever left. Also hardly ever spent any time with me. I always saw the back of his head as his face was glued to a computer screen and got stuck with 2 kids in the mix unfortunately. They never leave because they like having me around. Im so easy going. So empathetic. So willing to do just about anything for them. So they get bored and just check out until they want. I Know i have pretty high patience and maybe a little too much understanding. I actually hardly ever get mad. I chose them out of convenience so they kept me around at theirs until I was finally courageous enough to leave. They were not bad guys they chose the wrong girl.
I lack a lot of confidence in my abilities and who i am. I hate myself a lot actually if you couldn’t tell which is why i take the abuse or “settle for less” I guess i must deserve it.
I dont want to take the abuse. I realized I dont have to.
I can choose to stay single.
I can choose to date around as much as i want to so I can confront my fears of men and rejection. I really have no idea how to get over the fear of going “all in” with someone. Especially whem I’m not sure.
I can choose and learn from the consequences.
I can choose to do things in my own round about way in my own time without worrying about deadlines. I could give a f×ck less about time.
I wont settle for anything out of convenience ever again.
I wont settle for crumbs, a half assed relationship, or a fantasy. Which the last guy who pursued me very hard didn’t seem to get.
So if you will excuse me, I have to go polish my rusty halo and keep moving on with my life.July 16, 2019 at 1:58 am #757143
aka Reynolds Wrap hatJuly 16, 2019 at 7:36 am #757155
Dont you have a spouse to be loving and doting on and showing attention to? Or are you a d×ck like this 24/7?