This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Crisula 2 months ago.
April 15, 2019 at 4:56 am #746065
I am dating a man who is going through a very lengthy divorce. It has been two years. He has dated a lot of women before meeting me and when he met me he thought that I was the one he wants to stay with. we were going steady for 6 months after which his ex started contacting me to tell me how nasty he was to her. I ignored her all the time but then I got pregnant and he was not there with me during termination. That whole issue blew up and although he apologised I was left with a feeling that he was insensitive. Yesterday, for the first time his mother who is also a professional relationship counselor intervened and spoke to me for the first time. She did not know the reason of my frustration with him and did not know that I was pregnant. I had to tell her. She was shocked to know and agreed that he should have been there for me.
Other than that, she ended up telling me the details of his previous relationship. While I immensely appreciate her understanding and concern. There were details of his past relationship shared with me which I am finding very hard to digest. They were told to me with a view to help me understand him better (how loving he can be). I did not want/had to know all that! For example, he adored her but she cheated on him. Then there were things which conflict with the story that he told me, such as, his second child according to him was accidental pregnancy whereas his mother told me that they went to Spain to conceive.
Am I wrong in feeling bad about it all? For me that conversation has made it all the worse . Now I feel he don’t love me as much as he loved his ex wife who then cheated on him (according to him and his family).
I don’t know if I should bring this all up with him or should I just accept his apology and carry on?April 15, 2019 at 5:10 am #746066
Update: I am going to speak with him in an hour. I have just now messaged him this (as it occurred to me while writing this post)
“I hope you are aware of the content of the conversation I had with your mother. While I immensely appreciate your mother’s understanding and concern. There were details of your past relationship shared with me which I am finding very hard to digest. She shared all of that with a good intention and probably innocently, with a view to helping me understand you better (how loving you can be). I did not want/had to know all that! Some of which conflict with what you told me. I want to clear the air around that first when we speak, just so you know..”
Any advice will be much appreciated.April 15, 2019 at 7:51 am #746077
The one thing you need to do is to not only be heard but to LISTEN to his concerns too or you’ll just be spinning your wheels.
There are lies that intentionally hurt people out of deception (like infidelity) and then their are lies that one uses to protect themselves and/or the other party cause no harm). Those who do it try to rewrite their stopy to the point if they say it enough times they actually begin to believe it! Its a big part of being human and although you may not have done it or engage in it, I’ve noticed many do (including my ex husband) as its a defense mechanism they use so they it legitimizes their feelings or they don’t have to feel the pain so much.
Those who engage in this behavior take much longer to heal BTW. He was cheated on which is a major betrayal he suffered from\ and changing the story helped him to deal with it v. endless suffering. It is more likely a defense mechanism he’s using so don’t attack him for it, its the way HE needs to deal with it in order to start the process of healing.
Ask questions if you must but do not do this just to cause him more pain—I’m sure he’s suffered enough with the infidelity and betrayal his ex wife caused him and is now causing him more pain by contacting you. He must be reeling right now so show him concern v. judgement as he’s suffered and is suffering too so don’t be harsh or critical but open and understanding or you might as well just end it now.April 15, 2019 at 8:49 am #746085
Omg! Sweetie, it is his mother. I do not care if she is a therapist, she is only on his side and not very fair and balanced. There is no reason to cheat for sure, but I doubt he is as much of an angel as his mother might believe.
And…. never say any of that by text again. It does not set you up for success. Communicate hard things in person. Or by real letter, never by text.April 15, 2019 at 9:57 am #746098
I guess you don’t mind drama or complicated baggage. I, personally, would find this too messy. Hes not the only man in the world.
But hey, keep walking in this muck. Doesn’t sound fun.April 15, 2019 at 2:51 pm #746134
I think you need to stay out of his business with the ex. There is likely truth in each of their stories but both are slanted so you don’t know the real story. I’m mortified his mother would get involved and tell a woman he is dating only 6 months such personal information. That goes to show how meddling she is and keep in mind what she tells other people about you. I don’t understand all the drama. It wasn’t his mother’s business about your pregnancy. This seems to be a mess all over the place. Of course he won’t love you the same as he did his wife. They have years of being together and children together. You have been with him 6 months! Stay out of his business and don’t keep asking questions. It is none of your business.April 15, 2019 at 3:21 pm #746139
1, If you asked the guy to be with you at the termination and he chose not to, to me that’s a deal breaker.
2. Crazy ex’s become crazy for a reason. I never met a great guy who had a crazy ex or even crazy ex stories. I’ve met a lot of jerks with crazy exes. Let that sink in. Usually if you seek to sabotage your exes new relationship, you carry a heap ton of hurt that came from somewhere.
3. His mother, a relationship counselour, intervening after 6 months is a HUGE flag. 6 months into a relationship, if you require counseling, get out now.
While none of this is your business, these are 3 GIANT WAVING RED FLAGS.April 15, 2019 at 3:46 pm #746142
His Mother called You?!
Does she tuck him in at night too-
* shakes head *April 15, 2019 at 7:27 pm #746178
And this is how Norman Bates got started….April 15, 2019 at 7:33 pm #746183
Mummy doesn’t like you
she wants you out of the picture