Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Doesn’t want to do long distance?
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Newbie.
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Emily
Hello!
As a rebound I started sleeping with this guy (he’s a senior in college and I’m a junior) and low and behold, the guy caught feelings. Strange situation for me as I’m normally the one who will confess her feelings first. I knew I couldn’t date this guy which is why I bottled up my feelings because I am studying abroad for four months. I’m leaving in 2.
After confessing our feelings we also bashed out the fact that he does not want to do long distance. It would be long distance when I’m in France, visiting him often over the summer, and one year when I’m doing my last year of college. He will only be a few hours away. He doesn’t want to do it. He says how beautiful our relationship could be and how he wants kids with me and all these amazing things a man has never said or felt about me.
I know he has emotional baggage and lots of it and I understand he does not want to get hurt and is scared of being left, but wouldn’t he work on that and want to try if he really felt what he felt for me? Is there anything I can do to help him or show him that this could work?
Emily
Also I’d like to note that the relationship itself is healthy. We make each other so so happy and are so incredibly communicative with each other but it absolutely breaks my heart that if he doesn’t want to do long distance we will have to break up when I leave in a couple months
Tallspicy
Yes. Ending your relationship because he does not want what you want. That MIGHT bring him around, but only might and you need to stick to your guns. He has no access to you anymore, not as a friend, not as a lover. You don’t need more friends.
Also, notice what he says – that you are amazing and wants your babies and his actions (won’t even do a short period of long distance and not that far are two different things.
Honestly, two hours is long, but if only for a period of time, could be manageable.
Walk away and mend your heart now without adding more convincing to it.
Daisy
So why would he even bring it up if he knows the situation won’t work out? Is he trying to get you to not do your study abroad? I sincerely hope not, I feel that’s an amazing experience for you and you should enjoy it. If you didn’t go you’d end up regretting it.
Lane
Four months is a walk in the park. Do not change anything. You go, and he will most likely miss you like crazy, and when the four months is over he’ll be OK. Let him miss you, let him fully feel what his life is like without you in it and he’ll come around. Four hours is nothing, in the long scheme of life. Your both young and can easily make this work, if you excellent communication skills, and work well as a team to come up with fun adventures during the distance, this relationship could last a very long time.
All you can do is be patient, when you leave, give him space to miss you, and if he truly loves you he will move mountains to make it work—that truly is the best love and devotion you can receive from a man. It may pan out it, it may not, and that’s OK, its just life’s way of saying you weren’t meant to be together. Always follow your own path not someone else’s.
Better off facing reality
You cannot force someone into doing something they don’t want to do or are reluctant about doing to begin with.
Creating the romantic illusion of both being young and making this work… Life happens. You or him are not just compatible with eachother you are compatible with other people out there too. You’re both young and are going off on your own individual adventures. Unless you’re antisocial or don’t want to be in a group setting in a foreign place, You are going to meet other people and probably change your minds on the whole long distance thing.
You are setting yourself up for disappointment. It could gave been great and “almost was” you have no idea what the future holds. DO NOT LET ANOTHER PERSON HOLD YOU BACK FROM MOVING FORWARD WITH YOUR LIFE. If you didn’t go you’d end up regretting it. You could part ways now and 5 or 10 years later cross paths again or meet someone else at the right place and time in your life.
Get a “f×ckit” mindset meaning -you wanted him, you never needed him and it sucks but you are better off in the long run because that leaves plenty of room for some other guy to show up in your life. You will find yourself less disappointed in situations like this.
Emily
Thank you so much for these posts!! I am definitely going to go abroad, and I’m open to other people but I love this man and if I come back and I’m still single and still in love with him and he is with me i guess I’ll have to take it from there.
He thinks I won’t keep in touch with him. He says he doesn’t keep in touch with people he can’t see but I know that’s a coping mechanism for being scared to lose someone. I hope he will also work on his problems while I am gone but you can’t quite force someone to help themselves can you.
Newbie
If youre a junior in college you must be around 17 or 18? Well young with lots of options. But what i see is you already making excuses for a man who is putting up roadblocks and claims to be emotionally scarred. He cant do long distance and claims its because you wont stay in touch. That doesnt even make sense. And you say he still has to work on his issues so all in all im not confinced this is a healthy relationship if these red flags are already presenting themselves. I would consider it a nice fling as he wont step up to anything so far and leave it at that.
He sounds like the typical love bomber, going in fast with sweet talk and back off after 3 months. Im sorry i sound so negative but i have a feeling you are seeing him with too much pink in your glassesEmily
Newbie – I think you’re right about the rose colored glasses. I know I’d regret it if I stayed for him. I’m going to be 21 soon he’s almost 22 and if things are meant to be when I get back then it’ll be
Newbie
I was going a bit beyond that. You have zillions of options in chosing a partner and you would do yourself a tremendous favour by looking for the ones that have the least issues instead of fixer-uppers. This is such a common mistake women make and the sooner you learn not to put up with crap, the better off you will be. Im not saying this guy is a bad guy but you said:
– he has emotional issues
– wont contact you (and you interpret this as a protective shield on his side)
– has problems
– put the blaim for him not wanting ldr on you or at least tells you you wont contact him (is gaslighting)
– talks about babies in the first three months (love bombing)While there are lots of guys outthere without these issues. Just take a few years and then go look for one. You will be fine
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