This topic contains 45 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by sisi 5 months ago.
January 9, 2019 at 11:54 pm #735579
Ladies – need your wisdom to help me out please…
My BF of 6 months is newly divorced. They were married for 14 years, and separated for 2 before legalled divorced.. His main reason for wanting the divorce is that she is too negative, always harsh words towards him etc.
Their divorce was bitter, both side lawyered up, and fought to the last bit. Despite all these, I felt she still loves him.. She would criticize him harshly on one hand, and ask him to go over to hers for fix small things and feed him dinner on the other hand.
For example I just texted my BF to chat, he responded right away telling me he is at her house fixing internet connection (for her and their kids), and she gave him dinner.. Said he can’t text me more now, with a big kiss emoji…
I am pissed.. How should I handle this?January 10, 2019 at 2:05 am #735586
Sisi, this man has children with her. I would think he is doing this for them, not her. As long as you know he absolutely does not return whatever feelings she has for him, I wouldn’t make a stink about it. Unfortunately this comes with the territory of being with someone recently divorced. If everything else in the relationship is good, focus on that and not on this unless you want to lose him.January 10, 2019 at 7:36 am #735594
people should have good relationships for the sake of the kids.
but there is boundaries. being divorced, she shouldn’t rely on him anymore to take care of herself and the home etc, only of the kids. should she need help regarding anything in the home, she should ask a friend or call a professional. he should also refuse these requests, as it blurs the lines between an ex husband and a current partner and provider.
they are still too closely connected to each other for a healthy ex relationship, which is needed for a good parenting team.
i would not date a man in this situation. or i’d lay down clear boundaries with him, and if he doesn’t accept them, i’d leave him
i know this from having been divorced myself for 9 years, and dating divorced menJanuary 10, 2019 at 9:04 am #735607
I was dating a guy who was a year out of a relationship. She started texting him again after months of silence shortly after we started dating. He told me about it. He left her for very good reasons – she was doing drugs, couldn’t hold a job, etc. – and I know he wasn’t going to go back. A four months in, his phone went early in the morning and woke us up. I calmly and firmly told him I understood that while he didn’t want to make her feel bad by blocking her, it was now time to do it because it was interfering with us. He did it that day.
This is all in how you handle it. How frequent an occurrence is this? If it’s once or twice a month, I wouldn’t worry just yet and I’d let it ride a little longer to see if it’s going to taper off, but if it’s more often, then I’d pick a good time to raise the issue and ask some questions. He may need to wean her off calling him for help, first by refusing dinner and then by telling her he’s busy and suggesting she call a handyman service. But you cannot lose your cool or directly tell him what to do. You can let him know it’s making you uncomfortable and give him the chance to explain why he’s engaging with her. I bet it’s about the kids.
Does she know about you? And is your relationship with him otherwise good, he’s treating you right and all?
This is why I don’t get involved with recently divorced men, especially when the divorce was acrimonious.January 10, 2019 at 11:16 am #735620
No, don’t be pissed. He has obligations, she is part of his extended family, even though they are divorced. Why should she hire a repair person when the kids dad is perfectly able to solve the problem.
It’s good for the kids to have mom and dad amiable and working together. It makes them feel safe.
You are not under threat, stop being fearful. Be generous. Appreciate him. Don’t get mad and verbally assault him, like she used to do.January 10, 2019 at 11:21 am #735622
How old are the children?
How many children?
How long have they been divorced?
You do understand that he will be tied to his ex for the rest of his life… Children, Grandchildren, Great Grandchildren…
Being amicably divorced when children are involved is important.
Have you met the ex?
That he was honest about his whereabouts with you is in his favor…January 10, 2019 at 11:36 am #735625
Don’t even consider telling him it makes you uncomfortable. Omg… IMO, that’s telling him,
1. He’s failing at being your man,
2. The person he is is not good enough,
3. He needs to change,
4. His judgement is wrong and you know better than him,
5. You are a jealous woman,
6. He can’t count on you to be his self,
7. He has to run his decisions by you beforehand to get your permission and approval,
You sound controlling, he’s a decent man, and you want him to do things your way. Ugh.January 10, 2019 at 12:01 pm #735631
I would have some cause for concern but just observe closely for awhile. Does he go over there frequently, do they text @ chat alot, does he appear to withdraw from you at times, is he spending lots of time with you & appear very engaged in your life? You are still concerned he is emotionally attached to her and them possibly hooking up for sex. The ex might not be over him. He has to distance himself from her at some point. Doing repairs now & then is ok but be aware of lingering attachment between her & him.
I dated a divorced guy once and he still kept ex around as a friend at first but then he gradually weaned off of her as he got closer to me, which took alot of time. Good luck.January 10, 2019 at 12:16 pm #735633
As communication is an important key in a healthy relationship, I actually recommend that you have a calm and assertive conversation with your boyfriend on the current circumstances.
For what it is worth, your boyfriend’s divorce is fresh and so he is still dealing with the repercussions of his ended marriage. He and his ex-wife have a history and children together, which has created a bond between them. He is obligated to do his part for their children, though, and nothing more.
On the whole, it would be wise to be more focused on your boyfriend’s feelings, rather than his ex-wife’s feelings. I can understand how you would worry that his ex-wife’s feelings can take its toll on your relationship with your boyfriend.
However, for now, you can focus on balancing between between your head and heart. Take the necessary precautions to find closure with your worries, in a conversation with your boyfriend, and then live in the moment to come to know your boyfriend better. :)
Good luck!January 10, 2019 at 1:21 pm #735642
Thank you ladies for your wonderful comments with lots of wisdom.. That is exactly what I was hoping to get when I posted it last night…
I will read all the comments AGAIN when I am off work today…
He called me last night after he left ex house and we had a calm conversation.. He said he thought about rejecting the trip, since she could easily hire help.. But if he did, he would get lots of harsh words from her, as is usually the case.. He was simply trying to aviod a fight.. He also said he thought I might get upset about it, but surprised to find out that I was more upset than he thought I would be….
He then spent an hour on the phone with me hoping to make sure I was not mad at him…
Anyway, the mattress he purchased for me (because he found my mattress too hard for him) is arriving today, and he is staying the night at mine, so I will try to put my upset aside tonight..
She confronted him a few weeks back for “online dating in front of kids” when kids told her he was texting me… he told her then that I am his GF.. and she just brushed it off…
It is probably going to be a long process for them to slowly get less attached…
I just dont understand why the ex is still so attached after so many bitter fights and so many stern words.. If I were her, I wont want to see this man ever again….January 10, 2019 at 3:08 pm #735647
Will need to start setting some strict limits with her…
This will be up to him…January 10, 2019 at 3:30 pm #735651
Hè sounds like a people pleaser and you, dont take it the wrong way, do sound on the controlling side. Because you call it a calm conversation and he still needed an hour to check if you were ok. Could be a good match, but it could also be why his first wife was harsh on him and the two of you look alike. I would really watch his people pleasing mentality and if that works with your temperamentJanuary 10, 2019 at 4:11 pm #735656
With all of this information, he has a long way to go to from really being out of the marriage and ready to move on. I think you’ve jumped the gun with this one, sorry. I’d start backing way off. No matter what he says, he isn’t ready. I believe you said he divorced her, so it looks like she’s digging in and still treating him like they’re married, if for no other reason than to make sure if she can’t have him, no one else will.January 10, 2019 at 6:52 pm #735667
Well, the new mattress he bought from Costco has been delivered, and he is coming over for the night soon..:
I am having a hard time deciding how I should feel about his trip & dinner last night…
I am not happy about it but I also feel like I don’t have justifiable reason to be upset…
What bother me is not so much he went to help set up the internet, but more the fact that he stayed for dinner… that tells me he is emotionally still comfortable w her despite her years of harsh words…January 10, 2019 at 7:13 pm #735671
Sisi, feelings are human so they are not worth validating. :)
However, it would be a good idea to try to dig up how and why you are upset in order to settle that matter. :)
It makes sense that your boyfriend and his ex-wife would be comfortable with each other, having been married for years. However, they also made the decision that their differences were too hard to work out.
So it is natural that your boyfriend feels a closeness to his ex-wife in the time being. However, as you progress in your relationship, time will tell if you are both meant to be together or not. :)January 10, 2019 at 8:45 pm #735681
I do understand your issue but this is where its about understanding different point of views. For him it meant no cooking, for you it means weird. I cant tell if the guy is just lazy but i do see problems in your future. You dont want to be a total bitch but you want to set boundaries.
Best thing i can think of is: does he make you happy, and alive and cherished? Go from thereJanuary 10, 2019 at 8:47 pm #735682
I mean the fact he fixed internet and had a bite didnt cut on your happinessJanuary 10, 2019 at 9:56 pm #735686
Of course he stayed for dinner. What, is he going to tell the kids no, screw you, dad won’t sit at the table with you????January 10, 2019 at 10:06 pm #735689
Thank you ladies… he is coming in 20 minutes, and i am still trying to figure out how I should carry myself tonight… I wanted to appear normal, but I am sure he will sense that I am upset…
I guess I dont understand why two people, after all these bitter fights, all the shouting competition, can comfotably sit down and have dinner all of a sudden???!!!
A couple of years ago when they first separated, ex came to his house and accused him of online dating in front of their 2 teenage kids and humiliated him so much that he called 911 to get her out…. They both spent ton of money in the divorce fighting over everything and anything…And all these bitterness gone in a split second?
I just don’t get it.. My divorce is not 1% of their bitterness, yet my ex and I dont want to see each other, and aviod each other as much as we can….
His explanation to me was she asked for help nicely this time, not her usual demanding/screaming manner… So???
Ugh, I just wish I can keep my cool tonight…and get over tonight without a big fight w himJanuary 10, 2019 at 10:11 pm #735692
If it comes up & I’m sure it will ask him what you just ask us; I’m curious how two people, after all these bitter fights, all the shouting competition, can comfotably sit down and have dinner all of a sudden?January 10, 2019 at 10:12 pm #735693
Go ahead, beat the crap out of him, he’s used to it. Now he will decide all women are the same. You are selfish, bossy and if I didn’t know you are such a good person I would call you the B word.
For God’s sake, just be happy and appreciate him. Is that so hard to do? He loves you, and she is not a threat.
Maybe you are on the Rag. and feel like fighting.
I advise you say NOTHING about it and let the poor schmuck have a warm and safe place to be tonight, in your loving arms.January 10, 2019 at 10:19 pm #735696
It’s not your place to understand. It’s your place to love him. You were pissed this morning and still pissed tonight, but no one has done anything to you.
Love is a verb. Teacher.January 10, 2019 at 10:23 pm #735697
Suppose you ask him the question Raven suggests. Then ACCEPT his answer. End of discussion.
Controlling people don’t accept the answer. They keep nagging and whining and beating down.
Just like the ex.
He probably expects a fight. Prove him wrong. Be loving instead.January 11, 2019 at 5:11 am #735712
I do really like you Anne Ohio, but jeez i’d have to wear my big girl pants if I asked you for advice :-DJanuary 11, 2019 at 5:40 am #735717
annie ohio, your advice is truely horrible.
this man is in a very unhealthy relationship with his ex, where he is still at her beck and call.
yes, as divorced people you stop relying on each other and you stop running to the other each time you need help. you call a handyman. you call a friend. you don’t run to your ex.
and these type of boundaries, is not only best for the ex partners, but for the children as well. then there is no confusion, false hopes of getting back together, etc.
when you divorce, you need to make a clean break. only interact regarding the children and keep all interactions cordial and respectfull. not buddy buddy.
this man is still way to entangled with his ex, and still runs to help just so she won’t be mad. it shows clearly exactly how big an influence she still has over him. i’d just leave him