Does he need time or break up?

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This topic contains 28 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  sisi 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #743454 Reply


    My boyfriend (32M) and I (25F) have been dating 3 months. He would say that I’m rare and the person he’s found most compatible to him. He said everything just felt natural with me and felt very lucky to be with me. All our time together feels right and our dates have only been amazing. I went on vacation with my family for 2 weeks, and came back realizing communication really slowed between us. Then when we met for dinner I asked him if he still wanted to go on the trip he planned for us in two weeks. He said yes, but he’s got a lot going on right now and maybe not in two weeks. He seemed down to hangout after dinner and when I left the next morning he wanted to make plans for Sunday.
    When I tried to make plans for Sunday he seemed happy. Then he cancelled and sent a text saying “I’m sorry I cannot make that time because I have a report due tomorrow. I think I need to take a step back because I feel like I am too busy to be a good partner to you. You seemed frustrated after your trip and I don’t know if that will change from my perspective. I know that’s annoying, but I want to be honest with where I am at.”
    We talked on the phone later and he asked for time. He feels burnt out, probably from work, and feels he can’t invest into this relationship. He needs time see if he can be at a place to be able to further this relationship.
    I agreed and said everything will be fine at the end of the day. Whatever happens is for the best. He said he appreciates my attitude and this is why he enjoys being with me. I said I don’t know what to expect and without me mentioning how much time, he said 2 weeks, a month, not sure. So I told him it’s ok, there’s no exact timeline for this kind of thing.

    After the call, I asked him for my kitchen stuff back through text. I asked him to just leave it with his doorman and I will get it. His responses were unnecessary and friendly like thanks again for being it over and cooking :)
    said he would rather leave it with management because he doesn’t trust his doorman staff. He will figure it out tomorrow and text me.
    It’s been 3 days since and I haven’t heard anything from him… is he just holding onto my things??
    What is going on?? What do I do now?
    Is this even a break or a break up??

    #743456 Reply


    I can’t stand a man who can’t communicate BASIC things. They are the male equivalent of drama mamas.

    All he needed to do was leave the stuff at the office and text you it was there, and he could not do that for you. Instead he has left you hanging. It’s not like you asked for an answer on “when is our next date”… you asked for your spatula back.

    I’d text his royal frailty and ask that he leave your stuff with the office and that you will be by to get it on X day at Y time. Be friendly “Hey, I really need my omelet pan back for a dish I want to try this weekend. Can you leave it at the office for me? Thanks!”

    #743460 Reply

    he’s a man baby

    This is a break up, he was too weasily to be clear and definite about that. He’s hoping you’ll fade out on your own instead of actually telling you he doesn’t want to see you anymore.

    I’d be annoyed af about the cooking items but maybe you have to cut your losses regarding those until he comes around and gives them back to you on his own. He thinks this is just you trying to get in touch with him and he’s avoiding you because of it.

    What a man baby. Sorry you have to put up with that.

    #743461 Reply


    Absolutely do NOT abandon your cooking items.
    That stuff is not cheap. Let the widdle baby box them up and leave them for you. Then go and cook the next man a nice meal.

    That said, don’t turn getting them back into “relationship kindling” – just ask for them back and to be left for you. But don’t let him get away withing being lazy.

    #743469 Reply

    T from NY

    If you read this forum regularly it’s actually shocking how accurate it is that — men typically make a decision about whether or not they want a relationship to continue/explore a future etc — around the 2-4 month mark. It does not matter how WELL everything is going — men know that if more than 90 days passes that women will start assuming they are an exclusive item. Also I think in that time period situations arise which shake a man to actually look up from enjoying the present moment (which is what men are really good at and women have to work on) and ask himself — Hey what am I doing here with this woman?

    I think you being away was that wake up moment for this man. Men often times fall in love in a woman’s absence. They sometimes don’t even KNOW they love you, until they miss you. Space is the BEST gift to give a relationship because it allows a man to realize how he feels and allows a woman to re-center and get clarity.

    I know it sucks that some men are not able to be brave, to understand their own heart and just TELL A WOMAN he doesn’t want to continue — but such is life. It sounds crazy, because we get sad when something ends with all it’s hopes and potential, but hopefully soon you’ll be HAPPY this man showed you WHO HE IS 1) not introspective or brave enough to speak directly to you about breaking up and 2) he is def NOT the man for you if didn’t miss you and want to continue growing the relationship after being parted from you for weeks.

    Tend to you. Get your stuff back. Know your worth. Do not allow him to crumb you along with space and “a break” – reserve that type of understanding for a very serious long term relationship. This one was an “almost”

    #743471 Reply


    I agree with the ladies please find a way to get your hings back.

    And this is a break up.He is just to coward to tell you and hopes you will disappear.

    After you get your things block and move on, if not he will reach out and throw you in the FWB category.

    I’m sorry this happened to you but, better it be now then later on.

    #743478 Reply


    I had a man do this to me and I didn’t listen, I pretended he really was just burnt out and needed some time to chill. Then we made a date for a week or so later and he didn’t show. We had been dating for about 3 months. Not showing up was completely disrespectful and the last straw but at least I called him out on it. But in hindsight, I feel like I created the mess by not listening to what he was REALLY saying, which was “I don’t want to be with you anymore”.

    Get your stuff back, who cares what he thinks or needs any longer. You need your stuff back so you can make a clean break and move on.

    I think Khadija is right in her suggest of blocking him to avoid getting into the FWB situation. I think that’s what he’s trying to set you up for. He doesn’t want the relationship or obligation but I’ll bet he will want the benefits after some time has passed. And you’ve been so nice about it with him, I think he probably thinks you’ll do it.

    #743481 Reply


    what an a^^^… get ur things back from him and don’t entertain him again after that. goodbye to rubbish like that. gud he showed his true colors soon.

    #743483 Reply


    Do not fall in the trap about giving him ‘time’ and put your life on hold for him. If he was going through something he knew what the issue was (work, family etc) and requested a SPECIFIC time he feels he needs then that would MAYBE have been different to consider. But he is so aloof about it, that shows he is doing the slow fade.

    Play the player by telling him you’re sorry he’s feeling this way but his reasons for wanting time are too unclear that it doesn’t make sense to you and you’re taking this as a break up and you’re coming to get your stuff. This will show him you are not buying it and you won’t be waiting around or want a FWB situation. If he infact truly did not want a break up this will get him to think over what his actions are doing to the relationship so he needs to get his sh!t together pronto! But don’t wait around for it.

    And also I second the opinion of the poster T from NY, about the fact he didn’t grow on your absence while you were gone it’s freaking crazy. But good for you this happened sooner rather than stringing you along and ignoring you for days on end.

    #743487 Reply


    Its a break up. Collect your staff with minimum communication. Go no contact, heal and start meeting other men. This looser will be contacting you but for the wrong reasons-boody call/sex. DO not talk to him. Find someone better

    #743491 Reply


    Thank you ladies so so much for all your wisdom. I feel so much less alone on this and lighter now. Will get my things back, definitely can’t afford to replace all those things right now. But sure can replace the buckethead that can’t break up in person.

    #743518 Reply


    Chelsea. You got this. Give it a few weeks after collecting your staff, you will feel even better. I recommend to collect them sooner than later so you can start moving on

    #743522 Reply


    He wants to break up, with the option of being able to ease back in later in case he changes his mind. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s another woman in the picture somewhere. He’s trying to put the blame on everything EXCEPT him–your “frustration” after coming back from your trip, work, the No. 5 bus, etc. Your best bet is to forget about the kitchen items and go TOTAL ghost. Delete, block, box up all reminders. Make him marry his decision to back away. He’ll either come running back full of regret when he gets a real taste of life without you, or you’ll see that he’s lost interest and you can move forward with your life.

    #743527 Reply


    Don’t abandon your things! That guy doesn’t get a parting gift! Unless you are talking about a couple small incidental things like a tea spoon, get your cooking stuff back!

    And yes, it’s a break up. If it isn’t, make it one, because what he is doing to you is not good partner behavior.

    #743529 Reply


    For sure, no way. It’s like $400 usd of stuff

    #743534 Reply


    Your “frustration” is to blame.. sure. What a weasel.

    He probably met someone else and is prepping you for a FWB, I agree. Expecting you to chase him and be available to him on whatever degrading terms he has in mind.

    The kitchen things, he did not expect you to ask them back. So he wants to hang on to them to keep the door open for himself to weasel back into your life to enjoy the “benefits” if he needs them. Sort of ..let me keep this girl hanging while I am deciding on this new option or try to find new options. How can you respect a man like that?

    For 400 bucks it is worth it, so use that text someone provided earlier and get your things back. And then delete and block him. He won’t expect it, he thinks you are a nice girl (aka naive and easy to fool and then use) he thought you’d be at his disposal, so your actions will hurt his ego quite hard (regardless of what he’d tell you) you can take some consolation in this and move on. LOL

    #743542 Reply


    But why do you have $400 worth of cookware at his place when only 3 months in?

    At 3 months in, my BF was still taking me out every time we met…

    I think you moved too quickly on this one… slow down for the next guy

    #743544 Reply


    Sisi makes an excellent point. Women need to wait at least 6 months before they really start to feel comfortable. and think a future might be possible. Keep your good cookware to yourself next time around. And I agree with everyone else – it’s a break up. And a lame one at that.

    #743553 Reply


    You are so right. I got too excited. It’s things like really nice wine glasses or a small appliance. Only like 3 things but racks up. I like made this guy bread.. dinner for valentine’s day. UGH

    #743570 Reply


    Eh, it happens, don’t beat yourself up. I assume you like cooking so view it as you also made yourself a nice meal for Valentines Day.

    And get your stuff back – and if you still don’t hear from him, let him know that it is $400 worth of kitchen stuff.

    #743585 Reply


    I texted him. I let him know that I can pick up the box Friday at 10am. He can leave it with the doorman on his way out.
    He response was Hey, sorry for the delay. I may just hang and give you the things in person. Either way I will let you know.

    I just said ok cool. And sent him the list of what I want back again.

    What do I do if I do see him in person on Friday?

    #743587 Reply


    Friday 10am is confirmed.

    #743598 Reply


    Just take it from him and leave. Tell him you have somewhere to be. You don’t owe him pleasantries or your time. Be breezy and light and keep it all as brief as you possibly can.

    #743599 Reply


    Meet him at his door, check that everything is there, thank him for returning your items and leave.

    If you think you will be tempted to “go in” and “catch up”, bring a friend or schedule an appointment so you have no option but to get your stuff and leave immediately. You could also park illegally and let him know you need to stay with the car and can he bring the stuff to you.

    #743600 Reply


    Pretend he’s a coworker that you hate, that you have to be nice and professional to when/if you see him to pick up your things. Don’t have any “talks” — if he wants you back he needs to take action and earn you back, not wishy washy words.

    At least now you know for next time to take it slow and hold back all the domestic stuff for a while. We all live and learn.

    Go get it girl! :)

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