This topic contains 28 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by L 6 months, 4 weeks ago.
January 22, 2018 at 9:17 am #680230
I posted on the break up advice forum and you all helped. Now I’m moving across to how to get him back. On my old post, basically my ex broke up with me after a year together. Completely out of the blue. He said he doesn’t feel he can give me the time he wants to anymore. He’s just taken on a significant job promotion and works all hours. We met up earlier swap stuff and we spoke. He said that he feels guilty that he can’t see me as much as he wants to and he’s not being the boyfriend he wants to be. He said he still loves me and cares about me, its just right now he does not have the time. He wants to be friends and still wants to be involved in my life. He said he knows he will regret it and already does as he knows he won’t find somebody as caring as me who understood his workload. He said he wouldn’t rule out getting back in the future, but doesn’t want to give me false hope. He said one day we may work it out but he doesn’t want me to put my life on hold until he is settled into his job.
Where do I go from now? Keep a distance and be friends? Or do I cut off completely? I’ve been through break ups before but this is the man I thought I was going to marry and he said the same. Is he just struggling to cope with his new job? I don’t know what to do :(
January 22, 2018 at 9:29 am #680232
Cut him completely off and move on with your life. Don’t sit around waiting for him. He says he will regret it, make him regret it. If he really loves you he would find the time for you.January 22, 2018 at 9:42 am #680237
L, Melissa is right.
The only way he will realize what he’s missing out on is if he actually misses it. If you stay as a friend, he will have no motivation to up his game and get back with you.
Move on as if you really are moving on – keep busy, maybe start dating soon. A man who loves you and wants to be with you would not risk losing you like this.
Think of the future too – do you want a guy who will drop you out any time he has a difficulty or do you want a man who will be with you and work things out whilst being with you?
I think this is an excuse. Men have feelings, too and if he really loved you, he would not bare living life without you.January 22, 2018 at 10:12 am #680242
You must go complete no-contact, including social media. There is no way you can be friends with someone you still love. He made his bed (and didn’t want you in it) now he must lie in it. And you must move on with your life.January 22, 2018 at 10:30 am #680250
I have decided to go a period of NC before we even attempted to be friends and try to focus on myself in the mean time. I know he is struggling with himself and this new job is really demanding. I think I’m finding it hard as we even said this morning we thought we’d be together forever and get married. I just feel so lost and want him back but don’t know where to start :(January 22, 2018 at 10:34 am #680251
Amanda is right on the money.
I would say something like: “I think it’s time for you to be by yourself and figure out how your work and life fits together. I want you to be happy, buy right now I cannot be your friend. I hope I’ll be around, however, now I will be moving on and I can’t be your friend for now. Take care.”
No man who values you would risk losing you. You must make it hard for him otherwise he won’t see your value. Even if he comes back, not everything is on his terms. If he discarded you so easily once, he can do it again. If he ever comes back you must make him work very hard to get your attention – otherwise he’ll walk all over you.
Remember: you never lose what’s meant for you. If it’s not, better let it go now than prolong any suffering.January 22, 2018 at 10:38 am #680252
No contact is the only way forward – you win either way. Either he wakes up and comes back either you find someone who wants you. NC is the only thing you can do first for yourself (to gain control of yourself and your feelings) and for your relationship (to make him see your value and miss you).January 22, 2018 at 11:34 am #680263
I agree with the other ladies, go no contact and move on with your life.
The excuse about the job to me is lame. He needs to learn how to balance life.
Do you really want someone would dump you because he can’t handle a new job? Imagine if you married this guy and had to juggle kids and all that comes with that. He would probably cave in.
I had an ex that I thought I’d marry and once life got hard he bailed. I was crushed but, now I look back on things I’m grateful I found someone else.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason.January 22, 2018 at 11:41 am #680269
Thanks everyone. I am doing NC from now.
Khadija – I do understand his job part. He is a very yes person and has just been promoted and has a lot more responsibility. Basically there were other people that should have got the role before him so he’s having to prove himself. He works in sales so its very cut throat and he could be replaced tomorrow. I do find it hard though as he said a week ago that he’s only working all these hours so that when we do have a family, he will be able to take a step back… just hard what changes so soon! How did you move on when you thought you had your whole life with somebody? I know statistically I will find love again and I know long term I will cope. But right now I just want to sleep and hide away. I’m so heartbroken xJanuary 22, 2018 at 11:51 am #680280
You take things one day at at time. Some days will be better than others.
What got me past the heartbreak is believing that the pain I felt would not last forever.
I understand that this is hard but, it does get better.January 22, 2018 at 11:58 am #680287
I had to get over the last heartbreak and it was hard at first, however, what got me through it all was the realization that the reason for the breakup was HIS CHOICE. This wasn’t a circumstance out of control – no illness or sudden loss. It was HIS CHOICE to not be there.
It made me realize that I did not want to be around someone who does not chose me every day of his life. Thank God that happened – I am in such a better place now, with someone who fits perfectly as my life partner!
Khadija was absolutely right – baby steps and one day at the time..in a few months you’ll thank God for showing you whom this guy really was.January 22, 2018 at 12:08 pm #680293
Thanks girls. I’ve been through break ups before but I’d never got to the stage of planning an entire future together. We even have a three week vacation booked in September that he paid a lot towards. He said he never thought that he wouldn’t be with me when he booked it. I do want him back but I don’t even know how when it was all his decision. When we spoke I told him I was happy with how we were working and that as I am studying a masters degree, our schedules suited us. I just don’t know what else will make him see that he can’t be a workaholic his entire life!January 22, 2018 at 1:09 pm #680318
Hi L-Being a work-a-holic is usually a choice,whether people admit it or not. It is a seemingly valid excuse to avoid giving time and attention,energy,emotion etc. to a relationship. I hear ,in what you described,a guy,who for some reason, is /has lost interest in a future with you and is saying things in such a way as to let you “down gently”. Sorry,it is hard but I would accept this and moa. If as the others say he comes back and wants to commit-great. In the meanwhile you can heal and find a guy who wants to “all in”. Good luck.January 22, 2018 at 2:49 pm #680344
Sorry you’re going through this L. When I go through breakups, and while going through the grief, I only think of one thing: A failed relationship is a step closer to the ‘right one.’ That mindset really helped me move forward and grow. Also, find a man who will never put himself in a position of losing you just because things are difficult at the moment.January 22, 2018 at 3:14 pm #680353
Hi Peggy- I knew full well before starting a relationship with him that work was so important to him. I study at university as well so not being around each other 24/7 really suited me. It is his choice completely to be a workaholic, he took the promotion and knew it would be even harder. I just want to know what I can do to try and get him back. I fear he’s having a break down and he’s pushing everyone away as he doesn’t know what to do?
April; Thank you, that is right. I just think I thought he was the right one. Everything seemed so right and he’s just suddenly ended things. We have a holiday booked together for later in the year (he booked for me as a present) and I even saw him 3 days before we ended things. He still was fine then and I’ve said to him since did he know then that he was going to end it and he says he didn’t. It’s just come out of nowhere! xJanuary 22, 2018 at 4:04 pm #680357
Hi L – it might feel like the break up is an all of sudden thing but Im pretty sure there might be something he has been thinking for a while now. People don’t just break up in one snap, there is a reason behind it and with him it might be the work thing. I relate to you somehow because my boyfriend is a very workaholic person, there would even be times when we would have arguments about it but he would admit that he gets too busy, apologize and be grateful for the fact that I’ve been so patient and understanding. He never brought the topic of breaking up, actually I was the one who nearly broke up with him because of it but he didn’t want that to happen. He also makes sure to spend time together as much as possible. On the other hand, I once dated a man who ended things with me because of his work. My point is a person who decides to be with you, will be with you regardless how busy or how difficult life is at the moment – he will be mature enough to handle those business or difficulties.
The best thing to do at this point? Let it go. Yes yes I myself is struggling with the idea of just letting things go because we are just so obssessed with controling everything that happens in our lives, right? But it works. Sometimes, things in our lives are just beyond our control so we just have to let go and eventually everything will fall at the right place, at the right time.January 22, 2018 at 4:15 pm #680360
Oddly enough the thing to do to get him back is to go complete no contact. Men need to know what they are losing. If he has you around to emotionally satisfy him, he won’t miss you and he won’t change. No contact helps you if you guys don’t get back together, but it also helps you get him back. And the work excuse is lame. There are plenty of very busy men with high pressure jobs who are married with children. Seriously how does he expect to manage 50 years together and a family if he can’t even be a bf because he got a promotion?January 23, 2018 at 4:58 am #680444
April- This is the thing. There literally hasn’t been any warning signs. A month before we broke up and he started this job, he booked a holiday for us both as a birthday present for me! It’s for three weeks to where I’ve always wanted to go and it is costing a lot of money. It’s not for nearly 9 more months and he said that he never thought that we wouldn’t be together. The only thing that has changed is his promotion, I don’t know whether its too much and he’s just cracking under the pressure. He said when I saw him to swap things that he is really struggling with it.
Amanda- I know, he even said that he’d do this job before we have a family and that when we do have a family he’d take a step back from the role or swap roles. He said when we swapped things that he was thinking long term, he imagined his future with me and that he knows he’s going to regret it and he already does. I just feel like if you regret it already then why are we doing this :(January 23, 2018 at 6:06 am #680449
L, stop thinking about the holiday he booked! Just let it go. Let him go. It will hurt at first but time heal all wounds. It is his decision to break up with you. If he really loves you, he will come back! But for now, just follow all the advices you got from here. Do not make any excuses for him anymore or over analyse things, just accept! I know it’s hard to do but you can do it! Just love your self and put your self first!January 23, 2018 at 6:48 am #680454
I know this is really hard to wrap your brain around but please listen to the advice here and let HIM feel the full affects of what his life will be like without you in it! A man needs to miss you the point his life feels like it has no meaning without you by his side and if he doesn’t then you could be wasting a lot of time pining for a man who’s not pining for you the same way.
Completely remove him from your life. Do not respond or give him a minute him of your time or energy unless its to get back together! Be very CLEAR with him that you have to move on, he made his decision and if he’s not going to be ALL IN then you need to be !
I know it will be hard but trust me this is the best and only thing you can do for YOU! Stop trying to connect dots that aren’t there anymore as its a futile waste of time and energy. ACCEPT he’s not in a position to be the BF that HE NEEDS to be right now, that’s how HE FEELS and need to let him fully feel and live with HIS DECISION. Just breathe and know you will be OK which ever way it goes.January 23, 2018 at 6:50 am #680455
Ugh words disappeared. Meant to say “…if he’s not going to be ALL IN, then you need to be ALL OUT!”January 23, 2018 at 8:54 am #680470
Thanks emcee, I know I am my worst enemy just going round and round.
Lane- Thank you, I am in NC. Hoping he does come back. It’s killing me. I just thought we were going to get married and we’d discussed it all. I think its hard as its completely out of my control. I can’t make him feel like he’s a good boyfriend. I told him that when we swapped things- I never expected more from him and he did say that it was nothing to do with me, just right now he can’t be who he wants to be.
I want him back but I can’t change what he feels :(January 23, 2018 at 2:17 pm #680529
OMG did u hear anything he said to you? It’s not work, it’s that he no longer feels the way he did and he wants u to move on. U keep making excuses for him, he’s so busy, blah blah, please. It also sounds as if you’re hoping he’ll change his mind. He tried to let u down easy. Respect that and do your best to move on.January 23, 2018 at 2:23 pm #680532
Betty- I don’t think its that at all but we are all entitled to our opinions. He discussed moving in together and marriage a week before this break up and discussed potentially getting back in the future. I’ve always known he’s been busy, I was simply asking whether people thought we stood a chance. I myself am at university studying a post-grad degree so I do actually understand what it means when you don’t have time.January 23, 2018 at 5:04 pm #680554
How does he come back if she is not contacting him? Does he just turn up on her doorstep out of the blue and risk her calling the police?