This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 4 months, 3 weeks ago.
June 17, 2019 at 10:29 am #753928
My boyfriend and I have been dating roughly a little over half a year and the majority of the time, it’s been great. We have very similar love languages; we value quality time and we’re both affectionate people. He makes me feel giddy most of the time that we’re together. It’s been a lot of fun. However, now that we’ve passed this half year mark, it feels like it’s really starting to get real for me. Feelings have really started to develop on my end and though I realize its still super early on, I’m excited to see where we go from here.
The thing is, since the beginning we’ve both known we have a lot of differences; culturally, religiously, mentally. I come from a huge family who spends a lot of time together and we’re very expressive of our feelings. He was raised in a home he couldn’t wait to get out of and only speaks to his family on holidays or birthdays, no more. He is much more independent and has the mentality that everything in life is white or black, a yes or a no. In the beginning we knew that we viewed things very differently but we spoke about how important compromising and being understanding of those differences would be in our situation. It was easy when we talked, not so much now that we may actually have to start compromising. For example, I am traditional, he is much more open minded. I’m attracted to depth and connection, he likes to go with the flow. I’m passionate, he is very calm. I guess as my feelings are growing, so is my fear that I’m overlooking huge differences. Can relationships that feel so right between two people that are SO different, really work?June 17, 2019 at 11:30 am #753944
It can work but communication is the key and you have to put in a lot of effort. At the end, you know what you can tolerate and what is unacceptable to you.June 17, 2019 at 11:31 am #753945
The saying is that opposites attract…not that they form lasting long term relationships! You need common values, common goals and compatibility to have a lasting LTR. You are just now coming off the honeymoon stage and realizing relationships require work and compromise. Whether you two are compatible for the long haul, I don’t know. That’s why you date someone in order to figure it out. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and realize this too. Sometimes cultural and religious differences are much harder to overcome than the personality differences.June 17, 2019 at 11:40 am #753952
Its really hard to give general advice about this. Im sure you have read its important to share core values and life perspectives. But then you have a whole range of differencess and its up to the two of you if you can accept that from each other. And there are quite a few that i am sure will drive you nuts. So its best to see how the next 6 months will go and see if you can respect each other differences or not. Thats the key. Lets say for example that he is going to sulk every time you want to spend time woth your family, then that can become a problem fast. And if you go push his buttons every time he needs some space, same thing applies. Etc etc
I can say that sometimes a rare thing happens and that is that my partner and me are so totally different in everything you can think of, and i mean everything and it works because for some weird reason we share a deep mental connection and that bond is so strong it overcomes everything else. It comes with a cost though: i dont want to marry him because i cant relate to his world too well and i dont think could have handled having kids worth him either. We would have issues probably from day 1, breastfeed or not breastfeed etc etc. So maybe that gives you an idea that compatiblalty for a marriage with kids has big perksJune 17, 2019 at 12:24 pm #753967
I feel like I’m going through the stage where I’m starting to pay attention to our differences more whereas he’s just “going with the flow”… when I’ve brought it up as to what he thinks of us having so many differences, his response is “babe, we’ll make it work, i’m really flexible” but to me that just means I will have to keep asking for things to be a certain way and who wants to be that person, not me.
We do, however share some important common values and goals. When we’ve brought it up, we have common ideals on raising kids, of handling finances, and our views on marriage. However, how we’d get there seems to be a road full of disagreeing beforehand.June 17, 2019 at 1:35 pm #753986
My wife and I have been together for 16 years (including dating) and we’re very opposite in many ways. She graduated from Ivy League universities and I am an ex-military guy with no college. I’m very religious and she kinda believes in the Force LOL.
However we love each other and I think our differences compliment each other. Like I’m always in a rush but she’s more relaxed about getting to a destination. We find a middle ground and it works out. Like whoever is not driving has to close our eyes so we don’t get frustrated by the other person’s driving.
Now if 1 of you is in the KKK and the other person is Jewish, well that might not work very well!June 17, 2019 at 1:37 pm #753988
Better off single
IMO, The only way opposites work is compromise and adapting to eachother. Agreeing to disagree on minor disagreements. Accepting/loving eachother differences and flaws in all. Avoid sweating the small stuff and if the big stuff you can’t seem to get on the same page about, it’s probably just going to be a constantly disappointing relationship so you might as well get out while you still can and
stop wasting your time.June 18, 2019 at 9:30 am #754081
Thanks for replying! It gives me a little more hope that its possible. What would you say is the hardest thing about being so different from each other? How did you guys move passed it? I definitely agree that finding a middle ground and being open to compromise is important, but that’s easier said than done. Has it ever felt like one of you does more of the compromising than the other?
Better off single,
I totally agree. I feel like we’ve done good with the small stuff, but now that I feel myself falling for him, its those big differences that scare me. I realize its early still but when feelings develop its best to really put everything into perspective before continuing.
Perhaps a lot of my questioning comes from fear too. Like I mentioned, I’ve started developing feelings and I’m not sure he has, therefore to him everything is so simple. How should I handle that? He’s not aware of how deeply I’ve been considering all these things because when or if things have been brought up, they have been in light conversations. I’m not trying to scare the guy off either though, so I can’t be asking all these questions to someone who is still not there yet, right?June 18, 2019 at 11:16 am #754094
Better off single
Take it one day at a time and just enjoy the time you have together. What’s the rush?June 18, 2019 at 12:17 pm #754105
It really depends on what the ‘opposites’ are and how much it truly means to you. Are you a controlling person? Do you feel like everything needs to be a certain way or in a certain order to be happy? Do you feel compelled to change someone to fit your agenda or do you allow people to be themselves and can love them for the unique individual they are?
Your BF doesn’t appear to be caught up on all the differences because to him they aren’t important. He’s OK with it because those are outside factors where he likes the inside, core of who you are—how you act and communicate as an individual is where his level of importance lies. Do you feel like you have to drag him to all the family events or would you be OK going alone if he’s not in the mood to go? Does he have to believe the same way you do for you to be happy? Would that bug you too much? If so, then you’re eventually going to have a rocky road because you know this about him and so have no grounds to enforce or thrust it upon him later on because you pretended to be OK with it when deep down you’re really not.
Learning how to not let things bug or bother you in spite of one’s differences is paramount to any successful relationship. Accepting that you don’t have to be joined at the hip, can enjoy that which you do share (compatible in) and don’t share (opposite in) will ultimately determine if you make it or not. If he’s a really good person even if he doesn’t share or believe everything you do doesn’t mean you can’t have a good relationship, it boils down to how well you work together as a team in the areas that it truly matters.