This topic contains 30 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Crisula 8 months, 3 weeks ago.
March 20, 2019 at 4:09 pm #743494
So I have been seeing this guy for 9 months now. He was very upfront in the beginning about his future travel plans and him not wanting a relationship because of it. He wants to go away on a longterm ‘vacation’ for 1-1,5 year (from Nov 2019) which is something he has been wanting to do for years. He gave up his travel plans for his ex, but in the end she dumped him, so now he is determined to go. It was a bit hard in the beginning for me, but I thought I wouldnt really “fall” for him anyway, and decided to go with it and just have fun. We also see other people sometimes, but are not ‘dating’ other people.
Two week ago we went away for the weekend and had such a good time, and now I feel that I might be actually falling for the guy. Dont know if he feels the same way exactly, kinda afraid to bring it up and ‘burst the bubble’, but it just feels so ‘good’ between us, we are super comfortabel with each other, respect and admire each other, find each other very sexy and just have such a great time.
Anyway, I am now thinking: what if i suggest to him that we just go for it? And in half a year, he goes away for 1,5 years to the other side of the globe, literally?! Is there any chance something like that will work?? Do you have any expercience with this?
Or is it anyhow better to let him go, do his own thing, and see what happens when he gets back…?
The thing is, I am a 5 years older then him, now 35, and I dont have so much time to “wait” to like start a family and stuff… and he often sais things like ‘when I am back in two years, I really wanna settle down, hopefully with you” etc etc. But I cant really take the risk, can I? And also, I can’t ask him to ‘stay’ or to ‘be monogamous’ when abroad for 1,5 years…
I just dont know what to do, its seems so doomed, but yet we have created such a loving bond in the past 9 months… and of course I dont know his take on it, or at least if it has changed… too afraid to ask.
hope you have some advice!March 20, 2019 at 4:20 pm #743496
You want to wait around for two years?March 20, 2019 at 4:21 pm #743497
This man must want you. If he wants to go away without you LET HIM GO.March 20, 2019 at 4:29 pm #743500
Yes i know he needs to go, for himself, and i need to let him, and I want to… but there are maybe also options. Like he could go a bit less long, I could maybe join him for a month… he also ‘jokes’ about this sometimes. But not sure if that will really work or not? But it feels so stupid to throw away sonething good without even trying to find alternative solutions I guess…March 20, 2019 at 4:29 pm #743501
This man was telling you in the beginning I DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP! Why were you not listening? You already lost a year with him, how many more do you want to loose?March 20, 2019 at 4:34 pm #743503
Well the thing is, I just really didnt expect to ‘fall’ for him in the end, it was more like a friends with benefits thing for a long time… but now after 9 months we start to see how ‘good’ we actually are together… I know he sees this too, which makes it so bitter sweet since he is still leaving… he also didnt expect this of course.March 20, 2019 at 4:53 pm #743507
It depends if you’re a long distance relationship kind of person. If you’re okay with the distance and not having to hear him as often. If you will be able to deal with the time difference etc. You can plan to visit him during those 2 years if he is okay with that. It can work..but I highly discourage it. I’ve tried long distance before and it takes a lot of effort to keep it alive. It requires a lot of trust and money (for travels) to keep it healthy. Misunderstandings happen way too often than normal. It sometimes eats away at you emotionally. It’s like you’re in a relationship minus all the benefits basically! It can even turn toxic. That’s my experience for 3 years, and I’m not doing it again. Period! But I have friends that has had a different experience and they are successful with it.
Did he say he wants a relationship now or only AFTER he returns home? It’s important that he has a huge desire to want to be with you for things to work. Because you both have to put in the work. And if he is saying this is a leisure trip, he would be wanting to relax his mind over there and enjoy his surrounding and keeping things up with you such like giving his attention and all is going to be challenging. These are all things to consider.March 20, 2019 at 5:01 pm #743508
Yes Nathalie, you are right, its a leasure thing for him so I dont even know if I WANT to ask him to choose me at this point… that is why he said before he didnt want a relationship NOW because he wants to be able to relax over there, just like you said…
But to be clear, its not 2 years, he is going away in half a year, from november on, and is planning on staying for 1-1,5 years… but its also still semi-open. So what if he sais he will go for max 1 year and I visit him twice? Would you still advice the same thing?March 20, 2019 at 5:07 pm #743510
this just sounds like a horrible idea. All the wishing and hoping and fantasizing in the world isn’t going to turn a non relationship into a relationship.
And based on where you are in life, it’s just a bad bad bad idea. Don’t wait for this guy don’t ask him to cut his trip shorter — it’s his bucket list. Leave him be.
Find a man that wants to settle down with you now, not globetrotting and planting his seed wherever while you wait for him. Bad idea.March 20, 2019 at 5:24 pm #743511
I’m sorry but you need to move on now if having a family is what you want.
This man plans to travel for a year and a half and maybe after he returns plans to settle down and he surely didn’t say it would be with you. This all sounds causal and now you have feelings so you are hoping it will turn into something.
There are too many variables that come into play for you to wait around and end up disappointed.
What exactly has he said to you about this “relationship” when he is gone?
In no way do I want to come off as negative but, please consider your future. He has what he wants all mapped out. Once you waste time you don’t get it back.March 20, 2019 at 6:01 pm #743517
@Lisa..Then I won’t advice you to suggest a relationship right now. Best to let him go do his thing and see where you are in your life when he comes back. Maintain contact if you like but don’t see it as a relationship.
He won’t be able to give you the needs you would want and you will know what I mean when he’s actually gone and not communicating as much. If 1-1.5 years depending isn’t too long for you then in that case you can date others in the mean time and see how it goes with him as friends for now. Cause who knows who you might meet in a year!! :)March 20, 2019 at 6:30 pm #743521
I was in this situation some years ago and I ended it three months after he left. I realized I wasn’t going to be able to cut off my options for another 12 months. As it turned out he met someone 8 months in and extended his trip, and I met someone later too who I was with for 5 years. It’s just too long to keep yourself tied up without a ring on your finger and wedding date. Live your life and if it’s meant to be he will come back and you can reconnect. Look at this way – what do you have to gain by waiting? What do you have to lose by waiting? The answers should be obvious. You also have to keep in mind that a year of traveling will change him. He will not come back as the same person.March 20, 2019 at 7:51 pm #743526
The guy is going to travel the world, meet so many new and interesting people, explore new places and cultures (will he be traveling around the world or staying as an expat in the same country for a year ? It doesn’t change things much though). He will miss you the first few days, maybe, but then he will have the time of his life and won’t have time to think much about a long distance relationship. Even if you’re trying to make it work, you will grow apart as individuals, living completely different experiences. He will come back home different and changed, disconnected from you – IF he comes back, this is his plan right now but you don’t know for sure what will happen. (And you can’t ask him to leave for only a year just because of you, that wouldn’t be fair. He’s pursuing his dream, let him be.)
You’re both following different paths, the timing is wrong, you could save yourself a lot of pain by walking away now. He won’t. It’s convenient for him to have a friend with benefits until his departure but you’re not a part of his next chapter.
Don’t let him fool you with his “hopefully with you”… Sounds like a backup plan or sweet talk to keep you hooked until he leaves.March 20, 2019 at 9:28 pm #743528
I will say I did something very similar. I met a guy right before leaving for a around-the-world trip for a few years, and I liked him very much and would have been far too happy to see things through with him except that I was not cancelling my trip for anyone. I was very clear with him that he should not wait for me, and if this guy is worth his salt, should make that clear with you as well. It’s just bad timing. Let him go.March 20, 2019 at 11:18 pm #743541
A very bad idea in your age. You are a female and you are already 35! a couple more years and you’d be in a different category all together, close to being “desperate” trying to catch the last train. He however has another 15 years to play with.
You already spent one year, in your age FWB is reckless if you want a family. Do not let men waste your time. And do not waste any more of it yourself.March 20, 2019 at 11:36 pm #743547
I agree with Emma on this one. Sorry Lisa but at 35 you have left it late to start a family. By the time he returns you’ll be pushing 37. I saw a chart regarding women’s fertility and it was alarming how fertility drops away after a certain age!
I blame the corporate world for this belief that women have that women can climb the corporate greasy pole for 12-15 years then start planning to get pregnant in their mid-to late 30s. My mother was 21 was she become pregnant with me. Today women, especially Americans would respond:’Oh my God! Where were you born Appalachia?!’ But in those days becoming a mother a 21 was so ordinary, so everyday that nobody thought it at all strange. It was utterly commonplace.
So Lisa I am afraid that you’ll need to cut your losses and move on. The mere fact that he is going to be away a minimum of 1 year and probably 18 months tells me that he is not serious about you. He seems to take it for granted that you’ll just sit at home twiddling your thumbs waiting for him. What arrogance!March 21, 2019 at 4:01 am #743564
I am not talking biological clocks here. but hey you cant wait for him for 2 years! its not even that you guys are in a proper relationship. this is not going to work dear. if he returns after 2 years and both are still single then who knows? but for the present this is not working.March 21, 2019 at 7:36 am #743567
Thanks all for your advice, I guess you are right… I just really wish there was another solution, if we both could “give in” a little… but yeah even then it probably won’t work, and like you said: i dont wanna wait around for someone for 2 years at this point in my life. Its jus not that often that you really feel that ‘it could work’ with someone, I mean its not a fling, we know each other well enough by now…
Pfff well first step is just telling him how I really feel I guess, and then see what his response is to that…
Timing really is a b#%#March 21, 2019 at 8:17 am #743571
I want to know who can afford to take almost two years off from work and travel.March 21, 2019 at 8:52 am #743574
Haha well he has a work in holiday visum for one year for one country, and then maybe wants to travel a few more months in other countries….March 21, 2019 at 8:58 am #743576
If at 9 months in, you feel afraid to ask those basic questions, you know that he does not love you… that is it….
I am at 9-10 w my BF, I am safe to ask any questionsMarch 21, 2019 at 9:00 am #743577
The only way to play this is to put yourself on the same wavelength as him – just have fun now, when he goes away, both are free to see other people , when he is back and still wants to be w you, he will come find you….March 21, 2019 at 11:19 am #743596
His dream in life is to travel, not to settle down.
He obviously hopes to meet multiple women in the travels.
You putting your heart out there won’t change a thing, only make you look pathetic.
Quit mooning over a wandering man. Get some guts. Don’t date him or be buddies. Find a man who wants kids and a home and backyard bbq’sMarch 21, 2019 at 2:42 pm #743623
So when I was 22 I moved across the world for a year, but had started a relationship with my best friend. I was very clear with him that I would be dating others while I was away. And I did. He didn’t date, but came to see me four times in that year. Honestly, it was a lot of pressure to have my heart in one place, but to have him pulling me back home. I got a job offer at the end of my year and I had to decide to go be with him or stay. I chose him, and from there my life changed and I would not say for the better.
I moved back and couldn’t find work, gained 50 pounds, and was seriously depressed. He and I grew apart. I had aspirations and he had a 9-5 job. Life had been magical- at my own making, and I gave that away for a man.
Eventually we married and had two kids, and they seriously are the best kids ever. But I’m divorced from him now and am now tied to my city due to the custody agreement.
My advice is to stick out the dating life- someone with the same path as you could be right around the corner. Neither of you should live lives in two different places like that. Because I know from experience- what is “good” now may (likely will) change into something unpleasant if you aren’t on the same path.March 21, 2019 at 3:34 pm #743631
Thanks for sharing your story persephone. I do think things are a bit different when you are in your early 20s vs your 30s. We are both succesfull in our jobs, even sometimes work together, and have full rich lives. If he would stay, I wouldnt want to settle down and have kids right away, not at all actually, it would probably take me a good 2 years to get there. Ironically around the same time he would come back…
And I would also still like to go abroad for 3 months or so, I think we understand each other very well and apart from his very ‘long’ travel plans we are very much on the same path. We live our own lives in quite a similar way.
Also, he often sais he really does want to settle down, with a house kids and everything, but he made this promiss to himself 1,5 years ago, after a hard break up, that he needed to put himself first, in the shape of this long trip. So he wants to settle down after that. He sais it has Nothing to do with him wanting to meet other women.
But obviously it doesnt change the situation: he is most likely still going away, and if I listen to your stories nobody really thinks its an option to ‘stay in touch’ throughout that period and keep up hope… for him or for me… :(