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- This topic has 13 replies and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
Wara.
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Warasen
Sometimes the truth isn’t necessary but tell me what you think.
Let me state that I’m happily married for over a decade now. I have no intention of starting any type of adulterous relationship or having a 1 night stand. I am honest with my wife.
I go to lunch about once a week at the same place, I’m a regular there. I say hi to the people who work behind the counter and make small talk with them. This has been going on for about 5 years. I’ve taken some of my kids there and my wife. There’s a young lady there (Betty), I’m guessing she’s late 20’s or early 30’s that I’m friendly with, never in anyway flirtatious. While I was eating by myself she came over to the table and asked if I can call her after work because she would like some advice on finances with her divorce, this is 1 of my job functions. She can’t take calls during work so I didn’t think anything of it. I took her number and told my wife about this. I have no issues with giving her some advice for free and I called her that evening. She and I had a discussion for about an hour, as I puttered around the house doing things. My wife and oldest daughter were there in the kitchen with me as the conversation went on. I didn’t try to hide any of the conversation, it wasn’t like I was in my room or bathroom whispering. Betty apologized for taking so long and it was sort of work but I made it clear I’m not billing for a conversation.
My daughter thinks I was out of line. I didn’t show my wife the proper respect by taking this call. My wife has been teasing me about it. I know her and this is her passive-aggressive way of telling me it’s bothering her. I don’t think I did anything wrong. I also don’t mind apologizing if it makes my wife feel better. What do the people here think? Did I inadvertently insult my wife?
Liz Lemon
Hi Warasen, I think the answer to this is going to vary depending on the individual. So I’ll give you my take. I’m putting myself in your wife’s shoes and imagining this scenario unfolding with my boyfriend.
I don’t think you did anything wrong, BUT, it would make me a little bit uncomfortable, honestly, if my partner were calling up a young woman for an hour to give her free advice. But as I trust my boyfriend 100% and from what you describe, you were super open about the conversation and your friendly intentions toward this young woman, ultimately I would know that it was a meaningless conversation (that you were just helping out a friend).
Moving forward, I would suggest apologizing to your wife (even though she has not openly sought out an apology). If you know that her teasing is a sign that she is bothered by the situation, I think a simple apology will put her unease at rest. You could say something like: my daughter pointed out to me that this was inappropriate, I didn’t even realize it or give it any thought, but she’s given me a new perspective and I’m now realizing that I may have hurt you by doing this, and I didn’t mean to so I’m sorry for that.
It sounds like you have a healthy, honest relationship with your wife so this will probably make her feel better.
I would also suggest not talking to this woman for free again, just for the sake of keeping harmony in your marriage :-) Just nip it in the bud. If she continues to need financial advice tell her you’re sorry but you will have to start charging her for your time, and treat her as any other client.
You sound like a very nice guy! I’m sure your wife will be happy with an apology and you can put this all behind you.
Tallspicy
Yes, you did. But you also did everything right. Instead of apologizing, explain:
You: “Hi honey, I wanted to talk you about my conversation with Betty. I wanted to make sure you are ok with it.
Her: I am, I am not (does not matter)
You: well, in the past when it was bothering you, you made jokes. I just wanted you to know I have no interest in this woman at all. That is why I took the call with you in the room and was clear about it. I get the sense you prefer I would have not spoken to her. Is that how you feel?
Her: whatever answer
You: you know that I try to help people whenever I can, I thought by being open, that would be enough. I love you and do not want to hurt you. How would you like me to handle this going forward?
Make her tell you she is jealous and does not want you to engage. Then you have an agreement.
Dangerouse
Loose the phone number, eat someplace else.
It’s your actions that count. Not words.
Newbie
You have to eat someplace else because of a phone call? Thats crazy advice. I dont think you did anything wrong. Your daughter is probably at an age where she is more occupied with what is ok or not. Your wife’s response could even be more related to that. You could tell your wife that she can just tell you if she is upset instead of making these jokes. And maybe you were a bit naive making the phone call.
Dangerouse
Yes, eat someplace else. Do you want to be right or do you want to keep your wife happy?
Jo
I agree with Tallspicy. I think you need to reassure your wife it means nothing rather than apologise, which suggests you did something wrong and may make her more worried. Then as Liz Lemon says, treat the woman as you would a client not a friend going forward.
Wonder Girl
This woman is trying to worm her way into your life. By listening to her woes, you are becoming emotionally attached. That’s what happens when we are caring people. I bet this wont be the first time she seeks your attention outside the restaurant. By agreeing to give advice, it’s a clear sign to her that you can be manipulated. You should have given this woman the name of one of your colleagues.
Whether her motives are for “free” advice only or to draw you in emotionally and/or sexually, she is clearly trying to take advantage of you.
Tallspicy
Wonder girl, I truly feel sorry for you if you see the world so darkly. There is no evidence to prove what you are saying. I bet this is not the only place in the world where you see lack.
T from NY
There is something very real and needful in paying attention to the appearance of a thing, rather than the actual thing. Do you think most married good-natured men or women wake up one morning and say “I think I’ll ruin my marriage today by having an affair?” It’s dozens or hundreds of small decisions that can lead to something we never expected. I am in NO WAY saying you would even contemplate adultery or that your wife or daughter should jump to that conclusion. My point is sometimes the safety of a good marriage can make small choices seem insignificant – but if left unattended to, or not contemplated – can lead to hurt. I would also not like it if my partner spoke on the phone with a 20something, who approached him, for an hour, for free. A brief chat would have been okay as long as the next chat was charged. To make all appearances comforting for your spouse.
I agree with the idea of apologizing to your wife not for what you DID, but apologizing and saying – If there is any chance I made you feel unsettled or upset over this conversation I am sorry. You are my priority and please know I will be either giving the girl a referral to someone else or will ask your thoughts about making her a paying client. THIS gives the opportunity to your wife to speak her feelings without feeling like she’ll look like the crazy, untrusting wife. She may be upset and not wanting to say.
Kudos to you for seeking advice on this. There is no wrong or right here. This is just about making sure your woman feels like the bell of your ball always.
Coral Knight
I think you did nothing wrong and that your wife and / or daughter making it a problem when there isn’t one actually could mess with your head so that you start thinking adulterous thoughts about a woman you were totally not interested in!
That is my experience through life. When people falsely accuse me or create a problem out of nothing, it can be like a self fulfilling prophecy! This is also true of many people. (I am very interested in Psychology and have studied it for years)
You sound like a caring and good man who likes to help people and that this is an innocent exchange with this other woman. It sounds like your caring and good nature also shows in your attitude towards your wife. It also sounds like you have a wife who is crazy about you. Good for you. People naturally get jealous when there isn’t a threat. It sounds like you care about your wife and have a happy marriage. It sounds like your wife cares about you too a lot and that this is why she doesn’t want to rock the boat but instead likes to playfully tease you to give a hint and perhaps make you feel good.
I am sure your marriage is your priority against any potential threat. Therefore, I would suggest:
1. Be intelligent about the situation, being aware that this woman might be trying to seduce you and also might be a threat to your marriage even if she isn’t due to the fact that any escalating or continued friendship with this other woman could potentially upset your wife.
2. Take the above potential threats into account, continuing to be honest and reassuring to your wife at all times.
3. If you do develop feelings for this other woman, be honest with your wife about it and plan forward steps together. You are very lucky to have a wife who clearly adores you. She is very lucky to have a husband who is honest and caring. You have a happy and healthy marriage that you clearly cherish. I hope you and your wife continue to value one another as much as you clearly do.
4. I don’t know how old your daughter is, but younger people tend to be more judgemental or less understanding, particularly as teenagers (just my experience of life). That said, your daughter could be picking up vibes from your very caring wife who adores you and doesn’t want to rock the boat but could perhaps do with reassurance.
5. Don’t go overboard in reassuring or talking about something which isn’t even a problem to start with because this could make it sound like there is a problem when there isn’t. I suggest just a quick word of reassurance to your wife to explain why you helped this woman for free and how you met this woman but making clear you were just helping the woman because… and had only just met her.
It is not that you did anything wrong but to protect your wife’s feelings regardless and prevent any unnecessary upset while being aware the other woman may be trying to seduce you.
Good luck and god bless.
Coral Knight, 39 long term Psychology student, mother, and experienced “dater”! :D
Coral Knight
Sorry. Quick corrections.
You may not have “only just met” her, but yeah. Basically just say whatever the truth is!
And I meant 39 years old, of course.
That is my advice for what it is worth. I hope you found it helpful as just one piece among many.
Ok. Take care. I would be interested to know how you get on. Do let us know, right? :)
Coral Knight
She sounds like a colleague of some sort. Understandably you have an easily made connection with this other woman therefore. Easy to explain that, gently, reassuringly, briefly, to your wife.
Being a colleague, if she is, makes it all the more dangerous, of course, because there is no easy escape if feelings do develop.
Again, this is all a song and dance about nothing, I feel. I hope it really does blow over as is your wish!
Kind Regards.
Wara
I appreciate the different perspectives. Thank you all for your responses. I haven’t stopped eating at the store Betty works at. She isn’t any more friendly now than she was before
T from NY, I agree that most married people don’t wake up thinking they want an affair.T from NY, I agree that most married people don’t wake up thinking they want an affair. There’s a path to it. I’m not on that path. I’m on the top end of middle age and grey haired, I’m just glad my wife still finds me attractive!
I had a conversation with my wife about this. I told her I’m sorry if I did anything to make her feel uncomfortable. She said she was being childish and we’re OK now. She even told me if Betty needed more advice she was fine with it. I’m not going to test that though
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