This topic contains 24 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lol 3 weeks, 6 days ago.
May 17, 2019 at 7:20 pm #750315
Boyfriend and I been official roughly 6 months. His workplace had a party last weekend. The day of the party (Friday) he called me to check up on me as I was home that night and we chatted a bit and I told him I’m alright just go and enjoy. He said “ok, call me when you go to bed. Love you” This was around 8pm..around 11pm I called him to say goodnight. (I called because he had ask me to) so I called once and he didn’t pick up I didn’t call him again after but left a message saying goodnight. Be safe. The next day (Saturday) we spoke on the phone and talked about the timings he was going to pick me up as we had a day planned. He told me he wont be able to make it early as planned as he has to go help his mom out to lift some metal bars for fencing. Whatever that was I said okay sure later then. He didn’t sound hanged over. Later that day around 3pm he told me something about the metal bars has bruised the side of his shoulders and made it all red. I asked him if he was okay to still hang out and he said yes il pick you up at 7pm and we can go grab a pizza. When he picked me up I noticed that he kept looking straight forward and avoiding looking at me. It was dark so I didn’t pay attention and honestly had totally forgot about the bruise he mentioned. Whilst waiting for the pizza, we sat in his car and chatted. Then he turned on the side and I noticed a pretty large bruised mark that looks waaay more like a love bite. He has brown/tanned skin but you can clearly see the redness. I asked him what happened here and he quickly cover it with his hands and said “that’s what I was telling you about the bars.” He said the sun was pretty hot and it burned against his skin whilst carrying the metal bars on his shoulders.
I took another look and he allowed me and I told him this looks very much like a love bite. That I’m not stupid and I have had love bites before and I’ve given others love bites as well and I know how it looks like. This does not look like a burn. He told me it’s not a love bite and even called up a colleague (who was with him at the party) and put him on speaker phone and very well explained the situation to him and his friend just chuckle and said no, there was no girl around them last night. They were in a group of guys only all night until they dropped each other home. I told him his friend is just covering up for him. He didn’t get angry with me though. I asked him to tell me the truth. That it’s okay if something happened I just want to know. He stood by his word that nothing happened.
I was so tempted to check his phone or call his mom to ask about the metal “incident” but I’ve decided to not be that person. Im 26 he is 28 and I dont understand why he is making all these juvenile excuses and stories. I don’t buy it. Now things just ain’t the same even though I have tried letting it go. On Tuesday we were cuddling and I asked him “Who put this on you” in a playful way and his demeanor changed and he buried his head in my chest and said “I told you no one.” And last night he wanted to be intimate but the mark is still there although fading a bit and I can’t even look at him. Do I just truly let this one go? Do I break up? Things has been incredibly going well and he hasn’t given me any reason prior to believe he’s no good. What would you do?May 17, 2019 at 7:43 pm #750316
Eww.. you saw the hickey on Saturday and were snuggling on Tuesday? Yuck. Of course it was a hickey.May 17, 2019 at 7:46 pm #750317
Does it look like a metal bar mark or a lip mark? How large is it? Have you given him a love bite before does it look similar on his skin tone as this mark?
He could be telling you the truth however I also dont buy that story. For a 28 year old he sounds 22 but at the same time it’s all very calculated. Also if it was a burn from something hot such as a hot metal his skin will most likely have to peel off as it heals. It’s been a week since if it’s just fading without any peeling then it surely does sound like a love bite. Him burying his face shows signs of guilt. But he stands by his word there is no way to know for sure if he doesn’t admit it. Worse case scenario is that he got carried away with a female colleague, doesn’t mean he had sex but could possibly made out with her. I’m sorry for this situation but it’s all possible he is lying or telling the truth. I would let it go as I cannot prove it but I will start being cautious.May 17, 2019 at 8:02 pm #750319
Anne I was upset with him the rest of the days leading up to Tuesday, I made short conversations with him. Then he came by and talked very sweetly, as his normal self I suppose. I always forget that this happened until I see it on him. And since I dont even know for real I can’t take proper actions like I would want.
Nathalie I never put one on him so I cant really tell. It’s not extremely large but it’s not small either. It looks slim and horizontally long. A metal bar can create this mark but so can lips. And no sign of peeling either whenever I see it. And he doesn’t flinch or react when I touch it which to me shows it doesn’t hurt. A burn would hurt right.May 17, 2019 at 8:15 pm #750320
Doesn’t peel doesn’t hurt. Ya it’s a bite.
Tell him you know this is a love bite. And even though you’re talking as normal he’s not off the hook as you will know soon enough. Keep him on his toes. He better be sweet as candy for the next few weeks. Or you can decide to terminate things regardless if you know for real or not. Depends on you.May 17, 2019 at 8:16 pm #750321
If it was me I would talk to his mom.May 17, 2019 at 9:06 pm #750325
Personally I would dump him. I don’t buy his story and I’d have a hard time trusting him in the future.May 17, 2019 at 11:13 pm #750326
Not sure what happened except he sounds like an idiot to allow a woman to give a man a hickey. It’s not like you don’t know what’s happening and can’t stop it. If your going to fool around at least be smart and discreet and thewoman who did that knew exactly what she was doing. Aren’t giving hickrys pretty high schooli-ish and juvenile? Never had a grown man feel the need to prove something by marking my body that way.May 18, 2019 at 3:20 am #750339
Him not picking up the call at 11pm is not unusual, bars are noisy.
Him changing his plans the next day wouldn’t have been suspicious except for the way he behaved in the car.
His story sounds quite calculated, like he was desperately coming up with something that might make a mark like the one he had.
That would worry me – if it was truly an accident he probably wouldn’t have mentioned it at all till you noticed it – I certainly wouldn’t be calling my guy saying ‘oh I’ve got this bruise from gardening’ or whatever.
I think on this one – could you forgive him if he’d made out with someone and told you about it? The lie is a bigger problem than a drunken mistake, in my opinion.May 18, 2019 at 4:50 am #750342
You say you don’t chose to be ‘that girl’ but you need to do something to give yourself peace here.
Are you able to contact his mum or better still ask her face to face about the bars thing?May 18, 2019 at 5:06 am #750343
I’d feel really uncomfortable bringing his mum into it, but if you’re going to, do it in a light and jokey way – did he do a good job the other day?
If she doesn’t know what you’re talking about immediately, that’s a tell, and you can probe it a bit further – has he always been clumsy?
… and at that point, you’re going to see if her mental cogs are spinning with wtf or if she’s straight out there with ‘oh the fence, yes, bla bla bla’.May 18, 2019 at 6:55 am #750346
I had a similar situation with my girlfriend last year. My company had the xmas party and there was this intern girl who had eyed me all year. Finally at the party she came onto me. Very strong. And for the life of me I just couldn’t help myself. I f* her in the bathroom and she bit down on my neck. I could feel her sucking my skin and I knew it was going to leave a mark but I didn’t care at that point. Once it was over I immediately regretted it. I was so pissed that I had that on me, everyday I was rubbing it to make it disappear but thank goodness it was winter so I was all scarffed up most of the time. I knew she would obviously break up with me if my girlfriend knew so I avoided being completely naked around her until the bite faded significantly. She was spending a lot of her time with her family mostly without me so this helped a lot. I had lots of sex with her mostly because I didn’t want her to suspect anything. I forgot about it one time and she saw it on me, but by then it was almost completely gone and didn’t look like a hickey anymore. But the location was on my neck so she wouldn’t stop asking about it either but then she let it go when I kept saying its probably frostbite. I felt so awful about myself and the fact that she never even knew got me to thank my lucky stars and to love her more. I will never do this again ever.
But just from a guy’s perspective, the friend that he called is a cover up. He knows exactly what happened that night and all of this has been rehearsed. Also if the bars had bruised him calling you beforehand to let you know he is coming to see you with a bite bruise means he knows you’re going to be thinking exactly that. So he warned you. If you ask his mom about this he will be cornered and a guy cornered will revert this on you and start blaming you now for causing an issue because you just couldn’t let it go. Believe me when it isn’t worth losing you over a one time cheat and he knows he wont be doing this again he will do anything but admit it regardless of age. Because he knows you will hold it against him no matter if you forgive him cause women will bring it up again everytime. Let’s just hope that he indeed got it from a metal bar.May 18, 2019 at 7:07 am #750347
The cheater you’re an ass**le to have done that and you know it but thanks for a guy’s point of view.
To the ladies I will be going to a lunch at his place tomorrow. Will be checking out the fence, and I’m thinking of straight up ask his mom about it as she’s the only one who will be unbias because she doesn’t encourage unfaithfulness. Will tell her truthfully that this has been on my mind. I dont want to be thinking the worse so I have to ask and I will apologies if I’m wrong. I will not be accusatory just want her view. Good idea?May 18, 2019 at 8:17 am #750348
I honestly dont understand your way of thinking. He goes out one night, fixes some stuff for his mom, gets a bruise and suddenly youre all convinced it a hickey and therefore he cheated. When what he told you sounds perfectly plausible. At least way more plausible than going out and some girl throwing himself at him and giving him a hickey. I wouldnt be happy getting accused so easy in a new relationshipMay 18, 2019 at 8:34 am #750350
His mum might not condone cheating HE IS HER SON and she’ll back him to the hilt. Don’t try and involve her in your relationship problems.
If you’re going to where the fence is tomorrow then he’s hardly have going to have made up that he was putting it up with his mum if you can look at it with your own eyes unless he’s a grade A asshat.May 18, 2019 at 8:48 am #750351
T from NY
Since when are hickeys called love bites?! Wth? And it was in his shoulder? Not his neck? Anyway I always encourage women to follow their guts. But this situation really feels reaching to me. Like you have trauma from a previous relationship or don’t trust men in general for some reason. I also think you need to chill and do not agree that asking his mother about a possible very minor injury is even remotely a good idea. Even if she knew — it is not classy to get a man’s mother involved unless your married, had kids, or there was huge evidence you wanted confirmed or something. There is not enough here to ruin a relationship over. If your radar has been triggered — acknowledge that, be watchful, work on being peaceful and believe that men show you who they are eventually. You will know if he starts acting crazy about his phone or other shady behaviors. But until then — practicing trust is always a good exercise.May 18, 2019 at 9:16 am #750353
Love bites are what they are called here in Great Britain.May 18, 2019 at 9:22 am #750354
Burns don’t always cause the skin to flake. Last November I burnt the inside of my arm getting a pizza out of the oven. It didn’t look like a burn either more like a bruise. It was pink and took about four months to disappear.
Well said Louise! A mother worthy of the name won’t drop her son in it.May 18, 2019 at 10:13 am #750358
I have a friend who jumps to the cheating conclusion over everything. I am often puzzled over how she can piece “evidence” together that isn’t actually evidence. I have also been accused of messing around by a couple insecure guys. What they were using as evidence was ridiculous but made sense to them. In their minds they had forced all the pieces to fit and make sense, even though they didn’t make sense. Your pieces do fit better than theirs but you still don’t know for sure. If you continue accusing him, even in a joking way, and he didn’t cheat… he will grow defensive and resentful. That causes a shift when the accused decides they have had all they can take. He will then be the one with the upper hand if you would still want to stay with him.
It is not conclusive he cheated but you seem to have already decided he did. Be honest with yourself. Is it only about this incident? Is it about his past behavior? Is it about your past experiences with others? I am not encouraging you to blind yourself to the possibility cheating occurred but you have to sort out where this conviction is coming from to understand and see things for what they are… whatever they may be.
I wouldn’t recommend involving his mother. You can comment or have a discussion about the fence while you are there if you think you can find out if he got injured but do not if you won’t be able to stop yourself from spilling your guts to her.
If he is cheating you will find out without going all out playing detective. Yes, you are in an exclusive relationship but he is not facing financial ruin or custody issues that would cause him to exhaust himself keeping up a charade as motivation if he is prone to cheating. Time will reveal the actual answers, not “answers” mashed together by suspicions. It’s up to you if you spend that time with him.
A word of caution… if you stay, don’t pretend you have let it go only to be waiting for proof to nail him the entire time. That is unfair to him but more importantly it is unfair to you. You will be miserable overthinking everything he says or does.
Approach this with a sense of fairness. Be fair to him as a courtesy but be courteous and fair to yourself above all else. That means see things for what they are and not be on a mission to prove you are right… whether “right” is he cheated or didn’t.May 20, 2019 at 7:10 am #750478
Big thanks to all the responses.
I’d like to point out that when I posted from the beginning I did not know for sure if he cheated or not so I did not jump to conclusion that he did. I only posted to see the many opinions i could get from a much more experienced audience. Also i stated that i did not want to get his mom involved as I’m not that kind of person, but from the responses i got some of you mentioned that i should ask his mom which is why I said that I have considered it and will ask her in an unaccusatory way for an unbias opinion. Also I also said me and the boyfriend did not have any issues prior to this one so it’s not because we have been fighting that I’m resulting to this thinking.
That said, I went to lunch yesterday and the fence was up. It rained so I did not go outside to see it up close but the metal bars was there staring at me in the face. I didn’t have to ask his mom about it as this was already one of the topic of conversations that day. No mention of him getting hurt though and neither did he bring that up. When he took me home I asked him one last time about it stating that I will never speak of it again, he was pretty amused that this bothered me so much, he never got frustrated, he even laughed. Then he once again told me he wouldn’t do that to me. He was smirking about it though, makes me feel there’s more to this but I’ve decided to let it go as it could just be me being paranoid. I believe him and I trust him. Also I dont think it’s bad to wonder or doubt certain things in a relationship, it doesn’t mean I have issues it just shows that I’m not in a fantasy world and I voiced out whatever was concerning me. Like if there wasn’t a party the day before he had this mark I wouldn’t have wondered about any of it but because there was, it got complicated. And he knows this. Anyway I’m believing what he says and that’s the end of it.
Thanks guys much love!May 20, 2019 at 8:52 am #750487
The smile and smirk is called dupers delight. He can’t help but smile at the memory. It was a hickey and you know it.May 20, 2019 at 11:33 am #750519
So he claims the fence got so hot in the sun that it left a mark? Easy to test – just touch the fence on a hot sunny day and see if it leaves a burn mark.May 20, 2019 at 11:53 am #750523
DON’T INVOLVE HIS MOTHER.
If my young adult son’s girlfriend came to me with something like this, I would side-eye her for the rest of my days. Because 1) I didn’t raise my son to be a cheater and 2) the fact that you 2 can’t work this sh** out on your own and want to drag me into your drama? No way my dear. Leave me out of it, I’m too old for this silly stuff.
Glad to hear though, that you have decided to move on. We really never know for sure, but that is part of what trust is. Knowing they could cheat but believing they will make the right choice not to.May 20, 2019 at 7:21 pm #750567
Better off single
Men will deny it even if you caught them. If you have a gut feeling he cheated, he probably did.May 20, 2019 at 7:45 pm #750572
How come it didn’t also burn his arms or hands? Lol. Not buying that story one bit. A burn doesn’t look like a hickey. And him smirking instead of being serious that you thought he cheated sounds off base to me. If the bar was that hot it would have burned more than just his shoulder and he knows this and you know this. Besides he did the work in the morning supposedly which would not allow much time for the bars to heat up. If it really was an injury why would he make such a big deal and warn you by phone that this happened? It feels like a set up. And him covering with his hand. Who does that if it’s just an injury? In fact if it was he might expose the mark itself and say look, this is what I was talking about earlier instead of getting uncomfortable and hiding it. Asking his friends to vouch for him is also too convenient. In a a absence of proof you have to go with it but I would keep my eyes open moving forward for other suspicious things like hiding his phone, etc. he very well may have done the fence on Saturday so seeing the metal bars is a given.