DEVASTATED how to move on


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This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Raven 6 days, 16 hours ago.

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  • #728722 Reply

    nadine

    So, my bf of 7 months was caught texting someone from his past. The text was a simiple “hey” but the original text was from february of this year, and the new “hey,” text is from two days ago. The previous text is an obvious booty call. Right after taking me out for lunch.
    I saw the text called him on it, and he’s saying he was randomly texting someone and playing around which I don’t believe.
    Now, I’m done and walked away.
    SHould I contact his ex? See he had kids that we used to take care of every weekend. And he never introduced me to her which was fine. But some friends are telling me to contact her and some are saying don’T. WHich should it be?

    #728724 Reply

    anony

    An honest, blunt question for you (respectfully): What would YOU possibly gain from contacting her other than a bit of revenge in making life difficult for your exboyfriend?

    I think it’s better to move on and act like this man did not hurt you, that you are living the best life now that you are broken up and that it’s his loss that he took you for granted.

    Then go do exactly that. Live your best life, let him sit in the mess he created and remove yourself from all of it.

    #728727 Reply

    lala

    I don’t understand your post at all. is she the mother of his children? if yes then of course he is going to text her. You have been dating for 7 months so since March, correct? then what business of yours is it who he was texting in February? this makes no sense.

    #728725 Reply

    anon

    Don’t bother her. It’s not worth it- if you were watching her kids, she knows he was dating and she doesn’t really care. Drama is never worth it.

    #728726 Reply

    Khadija

    Nothing, worry about healing and move on.

    You won’t gain anything from telling her.

    #728729 Reply

    Ok

    I don’t understand why his ex would care if he is talking with other women?

    #728731 Reply

    nadine

    lala – He had just recently texted someone, who’s last text to HIM was in february. It was a booty call text. He must’ve saved it, and when he felt something decided to pull it up from february.

    OK – im’ not saying his ex would care if he’s talking to other women. I’m saying I want to text her.

    Everyone else – thanks for the feedback

    #728733 Reply

    Ok

    You want to text her and look like a crazy woman. You never met his ex, but now you what to reach out and tell her that your bf cheated on you? That makes no sense. He isn’t her problem anymore, and I’m sure she would tell you that you were a fool to be with him because he also cheated on her. She is king to be annoyed you would bring this drama into her life Please have some dignity and self respect. Your friends are giving you the worst advice ever.

    #728734 Reply

    anony

    So it sounds like this is a case of a spurned lover wanting to commiserate with the other spurned lover (i.e., his ex). However, I seriously doubt she wants to commiserate with you — she doesn’t care about you and how her ex disrespected you.

    Find support elsewhere and OK is right. Have some dignity and self respect for yourself, and respect for the ex wife. She does not need to deal with your crazy. You do realize you are going to sound crazy to her, right!? Don’t be crazy. Be smart.

    #728735 Reply

    anon

    OMFG, do NOT text his poor ex. She is past him, over him, he is ancient history to her. You bringing him up is just potentially going to reopen old wounds for her.

    My ex’s mistress recently reached out to me (he broke up with his new GF) and it basically made me want to vomit. I had no desire to trash talk or have anything to do with her.

    If you need to vent, talk to a girlfriend.

    #728736 Reply

    nadine

    I only want to contact her because she and i had wanted to meet but he never let us. And I want her to know that her children were wonderful and whatever he says to her is not true.
    I just want her to know i’m not longer in the picture in case he uses me as an excuse for being unable to take care of the kids.

    We used to have them every wknd for 6 months. I have grown attached to them and maybe contacting the ex is something that helps me say goodbye to the kids whic is proving to be extremely hard

    #728738 Reply

    Jen

    This woman does not care who her kids spend the weekend with. Unbelievable she would allow her kids to have sleepovers with you and never even want to know who she is raving her kids with! I’m sure she doesn’t care you are gone if she never even wanted to eyeball a woman who has access to her precious children. Smh… I am sure the next girlfriend he has will be able to do the same thing you do. They are both pretty lousy parents.

    He isn’t a prize. He lies to get out of seeing his kids. That’s the kind of man you wanted a life with?

    You sound nuts about contacting the mother to say goodbye to the kids. That train has passed. Bot she and he were wreckless in allowing you to be so involved to begin with. I don’t feel sorry fo you. I feel sorry for the children because they are the real victims with parents that have no concern what the impact of doing this is to children. She allowed you to overnights with her children without meeting you. That’s unbelievable. That’s why children get molested.

    Just move on. This man was a jerk. You had to know something was up if you needed to check his phone.

    You aren’t going to get closure by bringing drama to someone else’s life.

    #728739 Reply

    Jen

    If she had wanted to meet you I have no idea what you mean by he didn’t let you. You are both grown women and could have met on your own without him. As a mother I find it totally irresponsible to allow you with her children at such frequency without insisting she meet you. How exactly did he not allow you to meet?

    #728740 Reply

    kaye

    First of all, no don’t text her. She knows her children are wonderful and if she didn’t meet you while you were with her ex then she doesn’t want to meet you now. And if you have kept the kids every weekend for the past 6 months then why do you think all the sudden he’ll start making excuses to not be able to take care of them? It makes no sense and you’re just making up an excuse to contact her. There is no reason to contact her so…DON’T!!!
    And if you really want to break up with a guy who simply sent a hey text to an ex then that’s your business. I think it’s pretty weak grounds for a break up but obviously if you’re going through his phone to find things like this then you don’t trust him anyway.

    #728741 Reply

    nadine

    Jen – “He lies to get out of seeing his kids.” I never said that. AS for us not seeing eachother he would naturally have to introduce us, since we don’t have eachothers numbers. Right? So he never did that. Said he wasn’t ready. Jen I hope this makes sense to you…AS for the next girlfriend, I was the first to meet them and be around them so much. He told me, his family told me, and his kids told me. SO he’s not irresponsible that way. I’m a social worker, and someone that is very trustworthy and we both fell in love quickly which can sometimes happen when you’re almost 40 and have beenwith idiots.

    ANyway, thank you for your advice, duly noted. I do appreciate it.

    #728742 Reply

    Ok

    I not understand. You want to insert yourself into her life to piss him off? The time to have introduced yourself would have been in the beginning. I ageee with Jen. What mother doesn’t want to check out and approve the exes gf who spends time every weekend with her children? The point is pretty moot at this time. It’s over. I can’t tell if you want to make friends and keep seeing the kids. That would be very awkward for everyone. I would let this go. Nothing good will come of it.

    #728743 Reply

    Jen

    As a social worker, you thought it was appropriate you meet and spend weekends with his children, but not meet the mother of the children. I question your own judgment. Only because you use the excuse you are trustworthy as a social worker. I don’t know any social workers who would actually counsel a mother on not meeting someone who is gong to have an influence or impact on her kids. Just saying. If you don’t have her number how were you going to get in touch with her? Also you had her children every weekend but no phone number for her Incase of an emergency? So you could contact her if the bf wasn’t around? As a social worker I’m surprised you would go along with this. It just shows what a creep he is. When a man shields you form the ex he has major things to hide. He doesn’t want you to be pals and learn what a jerk he is. When a man doesn’t allow the mother of his kids to, meet a gf that’s disrespectful to her and also shows his lack of character. What reason did he proved for not allowing you to meet?

    #728744 Reply

    Jen

    Sorry if I appear to be really harsh.

    My main point is that this is an opportunity to learn how to spot red flags for the future. I highlighted a few above. I know you said he wasn’t ready to introduce you to the ex, but do you see how odd that sounds? He would let you meet the kids but not the ex. You had only been together for one month!!! And he allowed you to spend every weekend after that with his children. That’s a huge red flag. What kind of judgment is that for a parent to allow his kids to get attached to a woman he doesn’t even know he has a future with. Love doesn’t mean forever, at one month you don’t even know each other and most relationships fizzle in three months. I know you say you were the first week man. That can be flattering but it doesn’t mean his judgment call was good nor yours. You went about your dating in the infatuation stage and dragged the kids along. Then a few months later he is bored and looking elsewhere. And if he is doing this I would bet this is not a one off, it just happens to be the one time you caught him. Slow down next time for your sake and for others. Question why a man would make such rash decisions and intentionally block you from someone (the ex) without any good reason. Just because you are in your forties doesn’t mean you jump in head first and ignore any warning signs.

    #728746 Reply

    anony

    Jen,
    She said that the reason he gave was that “he wasn’t ready” and she accepted it.

    I would consider that a red flag, but I don’t think either one of them were thinking of the children’s best interests.

    If he wasn’t ready then she should have said “when are you going to BE ready because I’m with these kids all the time and I think it’s important to let their mom know” and then give him a deadline. Open ended “not ready” excuses are excuses. And now that she’s figured out he is playing with fire (texting an old booty call), it’s obvious that it was just an excuse.

    I think she has an agenda in contacting the ex wife/whatever. Why is she so motivated to do it now whereas she was willing to accept his excuses when they were together? Smells like an agenda to me…

    it’s also a BAD IDEA.

    #728750 Reply

    Bets

    No no no. Do not contact the ex. And in the future be a little more guarded about getting attached to a man’s kids unless the relationship is seriously going somewhere. Sometimes a kind heart can be taken full advantage of.

    #728791 Reply

    Lane

    Stop thinking of yourself and think of the kids whose lives must be in turmoil at the moment.

    If the ex doesn’t reach out to you, DO NOT reach out to the ex! Nothing good will come of this, your relationship is over and engaging in a man bashing discussion with his ex will accomplish what? NOTHING other than dragging another person into your dead relationship just for her to tell you everything you already know about this man!

    Breakups are hard enough, don’t make it harder. FULLY ACCEPT its OVER, you both moved way too quickly, you didn’t do your due diligence and jumped head first into a shallow pool. You already dragged two innocent kids into this because of poor adult decisions by ALL ADULTS involved and need to stop all this craziness. It will not make you feel better to keeping pouring gas on dead relationship—time to take a BIG DEEP BREATHE, let it go, let all of it go and don’t fall into the rabbit hole so quickly next time.

    #728797 Reply

    Anne

    I don’t agree that she needed to meet and see who her kids were spending time with. The kids can simply tell her if you are nice.

    Wanting to text her is, well, kinda creepy. You can handle the breakup on your own, it’s tough but you have to do it. You don’t need her to commiserate.

    #728798 Reply

    Omg

    Omg Anne. Are you delusional? The kids can tell the ex if the woman is nice? Guess there is no need for parents or making sure they are safe. The kids can decide in their own if a stranger is safe. Hope you don’t have children.

    #728802 Reply

    Joe

    The OP is a lunatic. There’s no earthly reason she should contact the ex because the relationship is over. Nothing now to tell.

    #728871 Reply

    Emma

    I don’t understand why did you think if contacting his ex? Because of her kids? How would it help ANYONE? if oyu want to hurt him this won’t do much hurt to him, but it could certainly create issues for the ex and her kids, whom you said you care about.

    I am always suspicious about social workers LOL Because of their sense of entitlement to intrude in your life. Sorry for being blunt, this is the beauty of the anonymous forum. You get to say what you want without being confined to the prison house of political correctness.

    So don’t intrude in her life, leave them all. You were right to end things, he was not into you, lying already, so this was going nowhere.

    I’d try to put it all behind me and move on. His folks would suspect some wrong doing on his part, do not worry about that. He lied to you, I am sure it was not his first lie.

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