Devastated!


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 1 month ago.

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  • #773223 Reply

    Deb

    I am devastated by what my boyfriend told me recently. I have to have a pretty serious surgery and he agreed to help me. I told him I couldn’t be left alone for the 1st 5 days and I would need to stay with him for 2 weeks. He said I could stay 6 months if I needed to. He asked me to do it in December and have me dates that were best for him so I booked it according to his schedule. I thought it was all good until he said 3 days after the surgery his friends are planning a big event and he wants to go. He told me I have friends call one to baby sit me. I said you are leaving on the 3rd day? I thought we agreed to 5 days? I will need help getting up and walking and basically doing everything. He said I will help for as long as you need it just not all day every day. I have a life. When he had surgery I was there for him for 2 weeks. I did everything for him. I didn’t expect him to be there all day every day but at least for the 5 days we agreed upon. I told him I was upset because he was choosing his friends and a silly event over me, that he could do another time, but he said I was a drama queen and a selfish C word for not giving him 5-6 hours when he will have already been cooped up with me for 2 whole days. He said he doesn’t want to do it at all but because he does love me he will sacrifice his time to help. He said I should be happy for him that he will get a break. I didn’t get a break for an entire week with his surgery. I never complained. So I asked how can you say you love me then if you are choosing your friends and an event over me 3 days into a very serious operation? He said I was being an a-hole for even asking that question. He obviously doesn’t see me as a priority and he obviously doesn’t have the instinct to protect me or care for me, and the name calling! This is after 5 years of being with him. So I am devastated and don’t know how to get over this. I know you will all say to move on and dump him and I deserve better, yes that is correct. But how do you get over the pain, bitterness, betrayal and shock of finding out how uncaring and selfish your partner really is, and how all these years you thought he loved you, and would do anything for you, and now you find out his true nature and it’s all been just a lie?

    #773227 Reply

    Andrea

    The fact that you aren’t his wife after 5 years is very telling.

    Men and women are different, fair or unfair. He probably DOES need a 5-6 hour break after two whole days.

    Expecting to receive the exact same form of caring from someone that you’d give is a recipe for frustration and disappointment.

    The fact that he wants to spend a little time to unwind with friends is not the real issue. The real reason to dump him are the degrading names he calls you. Why would you assume a man like that would go out of his way for you and hold up his end of an agreement??

    #773228 Reply

    Deb

    Hi Jane,

    This is the short version. He literally joined a cult. Not kidding. This happened 2 years ago. They practice secret rituals and I am not allowed to know anything. He said it’s his spirituality like any other religion and I need to support him. But since he joined he has always put these people 1st. He calls them family. I try to be understanding. They have rituals and events constantly now. He’s always leaving and coming home late and intruding upon out time. I have to just take it because it’s his new religion. He has not respect for my time, my needs, and he won’t keep his word to me if something comes up with these people. He had another woman in his apartment for a whole day because she was sick. Took the entire day out to help her. He told me she was family now so he had to do these things. He took another day out to take another woman family member to an event. I’m supposed to just be understanding and give up all my time for there and when I ask for time he can’t because he’s too busy. He agreed to do a 1 week vacation to Spain with me but it got cancelled recently because his cult wants him to go to Europe for a few weeks. He has to go to that. It’s more important. He was an intelligent leader when I met him now he is a follower that is easily influenced. I ask for 5 lousy days for him to help me with a surgery that is practically going to cripple me and will be so painful I will barely be able to walk, 5 days he agreed to, and that’s asking too much. The doctor said I shouldn’t be alone at all for 7 days. I only asked for 5. He needed 2 weeks for his surgery and I gave it to him, willingly! That’s what partners do!

    #773229 Reply

    Sensy

    OMG – I stopped reading this one in the first few sentences and I think you need to see it as a blessing that you were able to see his true self as someone who you cannot count on. Any person in your life should love you the way you love yourself.

    #773231 Reply

    Sensy

    Maybe this guy will need a break but the name calling is unacceptable. He obviously didn’t word it as “baby I know that you will be just coming off surgery and would you mind if…” I agree with one poster that there is more to the story in how he is treating you.

    #773234 Reply

    Deb

    Jane, trust me it’s a cult and I know exactly what it’s about. It is religious based. Not christian religion or anything like that. There are all kinds of things out there that you have no idea about. I have been privy to them because of this. It would shock you. Most people are unaware of any of it. I was dragged in because of him. I cannot post it here exactly what it is. I’ve met some of them and listened to their crap. This is just recent stuff this year. It hasn’t been going on the entire time obviously or I wouldn’t have stayed. Obviously I know he’s a bad dude now and I find it gross that you are defending him. Ever since he got serious with these people he has become a totally different person. That is what’s so devastating. He has allowed their influence to change his thinking his appearance his attitude and personality. It’s like a mud slide that cannot be stopped. They call themselves the wise ones. Most people can’t join because they believe most people aren’t wise and cannot handle their beliefs. He fell into it. I never thought he could be swayed or so easily influenced by something like this. He says he loves these people. They have god rituals and invoke all kinds of gods to help with their wants but the rituals themselves are secret. If you will drink the Kool-aid then they believe you are wise and will let you in. They want people who are easily influenced. This is why he pushes back on me because I won’t fall into that BS and be controlled and influenced by anyone. I didn’t say I was sticking around. I asked how do you get over the hurt and betrayal and disappointment? I’m already gone. I just want the hurt to go away. I am bitter, angry, I hate the people who brought him into this crap, he was so good and different before them, I am sad and shocked that someone so caring and intelligent has become what he has become. My friends want to kill him because they know how giving and loving I am and all the sacrifices I made for his happiness. If anything I am a moron for trusting and giving too much of myself.

    #773236 Reply

    Deb

    Hi Sensy, yes the name calling is new. Ever since he got involved with these people his personality has changed. They are horrible to people outside their group and he is just being like them now. If I could show you a before and after video of who he was and what he is now you would be shocked. It’s amazing the kind of influence these people can have on others. I guess people with weak minds get sucked in and those who are strong don’t. It just sucks that things were awesome until this. I wish he had never met them. This part makes me totally angry. But thanks for your input. I just have to move on and chalk it up to life.

    #773237 Reply

    Deb

    Jane the cancelled vacation just happened. This is all new and I have blatantly explained that he is being influenced. If this had happened last year I wouldn’t have still been with him. You are generalizing cults like you know everything about every cult. Well you don’t obviously because this is not the case. Nothing is black and white and no 2 groups are the same. Even the catholic church is different. My priest years ago when I was catholic was fine with divorce and pre-marital sex which went completely against the church’s teachings. So please stop pretending like you know everything about everything. The world doesn’t work like that and it’s not like what you read or see on TV or what people tell you. They are happy to have people socialize. The more brain washed people they find the more they grow and the more influence they have over others. They wanted me in until I started pushing back. Now they think I am not a wise one because I won’t drink the kool-aid. NO! I AM the wise one for not being weak minded and letting people control my thoughts and life.

    #773246 Reply

    Better off single

    You’re devestated that he can’t come help you for a full five days and not concerned AT ALL about a cult he is part of?

    #773247 Reply

    Better off single

    A religion (even christian) is a cult too.

    Good for you for pushing back. I think it’s wiser to just think for your self.

    #773248 Reply

    Dumb

    Wisdom comes from experience not the belief you are wise.

    #773249 Reply

    Dumb

    Wise people dont boast about being wise either

    #773295 Reply

    hs

    what surgery did you have that you need constant around the clock supervision for 5 days? I had major abdominal surgery last year. I was walking around the next day. went home and took care of myself for 5 days. just friends came over and brought me food every so often. there isn’t one surgery where they advise you to stay bedridden for 5 days.

    the name calling isn’t cool, but judging how you wrote this, seems very needy and very controlling. why can’t he have 6 hours to himself and his friends, without you having a meltdown? i’m going to guess the way you behaved may have been the reason for the name calling. still not cool. but look at your reaction as well

    really you will survive 6 hours alone, and if not. letting a friend come around, is fine

    he most likely also needed some alone time last year after his illness. you need to keep in mind, there is a huge difference between caring and smothering. and you seem to smother and require smothering. this is closer to codependance than love

    as far as the cult goes, my friends are my family. are you sure they’re not just friends? if he’s really in a religious or politcal cult, then leave

    #773311 Reply

    Tallspicy

    While I can understand a moment of annoyance, he is giving you fair warning to find a sub just for that night. I think you are being whiny. I get an Initial ouch, and had he just left or did not tell you 3 months before, I could get on board.

    If he is in a cult, just dump him. And if you want marriage, never date a man longer than 2 years if you are not on that path yet.

    #773319 Reply

    Lane

    You appear to be are overly dependent on him. Just because you care for people in a certain way doesn’t mean everyone will do the same. BTW, I’m someone who doesn’t need a lot of help, fully capable of doing it on my own, even when I broke my foot, in a cast while using crutches, and also had surgery while living in a highrise. I did my own shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. I am not a nursemaid either, I will help to a point but don’t expect me to cater to your every whim for days on end. There are millions of single people who are capable of self-care even after a major surgery.

    If he has bailed on you multiple times for his cult, then not sure why your surprised it happened again? Your expectations don’t seem to fit with reality, and keep clinging onto hope that he will all of sudden change his ways and make you a priority. Trust me, its not going to happen—what you see is what you have, and only you can decide if you want to accept the reality of your relationship, the way it is, or continue to live in the land of denial.

    If you accept a man calling you foul names, and throwing a temper to get you to conform to his whims, it means he has zero respect for you! A man who has no respect for a woman, is not going to change once he’s reached that level of disrespect or disregard for her. You are a walking, talking co-dependent, and if you are unable to get yourself out of this mindset (its dysfunctional and toxic btw), by regaining your self-respect, worth and interdependence, then this relationship is going to get far worse. You need him more than he needs you—if you can’t flip, change or alter or this lopsided dynamic, then you will continue to be de-prioritized, insulted, and disrespected.

    #773324 Reply

    tammy

    agree with the posts. u cant compare. you wanted to stay and take care of him 24×7. probably you have that nurturing instinct. he probably doesn’t but he agreed to take care bec you had a medical condition. to give you a simple example. I have two elder sisters. one is very nurturing type and whenever we meet she always cooks for me and treats me like her kid and pampers me. the other sister is not at all the nurturing type. she would simply show me her pantry and tell me whats in her fridge. I am expected to cook for the both of us mostly. but I know for a fact that both the sisters love me and will be there when I need them. your being whiny and childish and needy. and that’s such a putoff. hes not abandoning you! surely its ok if you call a friend over for few hours and just have a good chat session and enjoy some nice takeaway?

    but the fact that hes involved in a cult which practices strange rituals that’s alarming. the fact that he seems to have become highly influenced that’s alarming. the fact that he called you names that’s not good. the fact that despite being together for 5 years and he hasn’t popped the qstn that’s not good. unless you both happy this way.

    you need to give the person his space if he wants it. besides you cant force someone to do something that he doesn’t want to in the name of love. and comparison doesn’t make any sense at all. just because your list is longer doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you. I think more than this episode you need to think about your needy behaviour and where your relationship is heading. is he really the right partner for you considering the fact that hes heavily into some cult thing of which your not a part of?? is there any future to your relationship?

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