Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Desperate for advice!!!
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Lane.
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Molly
I’ve posted on here a few times, I feel like there’s so many issues with my relationship but I want to make it work so bad. Last night, he called me his girl, told me how I didn’t have to worry about other girls, etc etc. everyday we keep progressing more and more. Obviously there are little petty arguments but for the most part, we are doing well. However, we got into another petty argument which turned into a big conversation, not really an argument. But it’s definitely something he’s been wanting to say for a while. He basically said he doesn’t trust me, that he thinks I go out with other guys. I tried to make him believe me that that’s not true but he has trust issues due to his ex so obviously that doesn’t really do anything. I asked him where does this leave us and he said same as we were yesterday. But I feel like after hearing him say all this it’s hard for me to just go back to norma because what’s a relationship without trust? He said he’ll eventually trust me but who knows when that is. I haven’t done anything to break his trust and have actually stayed loyal when we weren’t even together and I shouldn’t have. But I did because he’s the only one I wanna be with but I don’t know how to proceed with someone who’s closed off and is putting himself at distance.
K
“… but I want to make it work so bad.”
Oh Molly.
There’s your problem. You just want to be his GF, you aren’t interested in reality. You’ve pulled the wool over your own eyes. You aren’t willing to see this guy isn’t treating you right nor is he really emotionally available. He’s holding you at arm’s length so you are working soooooo hard to win him and his approval. He’s jerking you all over the place like a puppet on strings and you’re just fine with it, for some reason I can’t figure out.
Can I skip to the end of this story? You’re never going to win this one. He will never trust you and that’s all about him, nothing about you. He will pull the rug out from under you for no reason and blame you. And you’ll be back here begging to be told what you did wrong and you’re not good enough and blah blah blah.
However at this point, this is on YOU. You keep going along with this. I’m not sure what advice you expect. What you need is therapy with a qualified professional to work out why you’re letting yourself in for this little drama. What situation in your past are you recreating so you can fix the ending??
That’s my two cents but I’m pretty sure you won’t listen.
Newbie
I fully agree with K. You seem hellbound to make this work whatever signs say this wont work. It doesnt even matter what the issues are, there are just always issues. And then there still is the issue wit your parents not wanting you to meet him.
This argument you described isnt so bad but it does show your guy likes to accuse for no reason and likes to point out he wont cheat. Both statements are not very classy but too little in total to see ehat guy he is.
Tell yourself to not get in any argument with him for 2 weeks. Stop asking him it about what this and that means for the relationship. Do at least 5 things in a week for you. Stop investing and overcaring and may accept you two are not compatibleLane
If you want to keep twisting yourself into a pretzel, to make this “work” then that’s on you, not him.
If a guy ever told me that, my response would be “Ok, well if there’s no trust, then there can be no us, because you can’t build a solid foundation on sand” then walk out the door.
Why are you giving up all the power and decisions to him? He knows what he’s doing and is wielding to show you who has all the power and control. If a man keeps you at arm’s length, then you remove the arm by walking away, that’s HOW you SHOW a man he can’t get away with it…no talks or arguments are needed or necessary if he refuses to listen or participate.
I too know you won’t listen to anything any of have said because you are so focused on having a BF, that you will continue to cling onto him until he finally shakes you off (dumps you) but you are too darn stubborn to see it coming, and will be back here saying “he left me, and the next post will be “how to get him back.” You don’t have him so there will be nothing to get back.
Molly
I understand everything you’re saying. This isn’t me not listening to your advice but I just feel like if I end things now that’s me giving up on him. He’s been hurt in the past. He’s the way he is for a reason. He told me how wants to build trust but that takes time. Isn’t he right? Trust is something that is earned. He really opened up to me last night like a lot and I felt like if it was a good sign. Because in a way this was us actually progressing more. I don’t want him to be my boyfriend, I don’t care about the title. When I say I want to be with him, I mean there’s no other guy I see, talk to, or even think about.
K
It’s not “giving up on him”, it’s ending a situation that isn’t just taking you nowhere, it’s harming you. Why are you so desperate to be his savior?? This is totally unfair to you. You’re not getting any of your needs met, you’re totally focused on his. That’s called CO-DEPENDENT.
You’re not his mommy and you’re not his therapist and most importantly you aren’t the cause of his trust issues. Why are you so willing to pay the price for what someone else did?? It’s not your job to fix him nor is it possible. This “it takes time to build trust” BS he’s feeding you is a line so he can keep stringing you alone.
This is not what happens in a normal, healthy relationship. Until you’re willing to admit that and start believing you’re worth more, you’ll keep letting him jerk you around and you’ll keep posting here. I’ve said all I can. PLEASE get therapy for yourself. You could have something good, but you have to want it and you’re not going to be able to change on your own.
K
stringing you along, not stringing you alone!
Newbie
This will enfold itself anyway. And by no means feel embarrashed to post again. Youre young so you have plenty of time to get it right. Never be a guys nurse. You have only one job and that is to take care of yourself the vest you can and do the best you can. That doesnt mean you cant care about other people. Yes you can, but not when it works against you. You can be tough with this guy if you want to. Just tell him: look i dont deserve this kind of treatment. I didnt cheat on you, i didnt hurt. So if you still dont trust me, then i see no reason to continu. But you asked: so what does that mean for us? You see how weak you are acting?
At least read the book why men love b*tches in the meantime. It gives you a good idea on how confident women act. Take careK
I agree with Newbie, keep posting here… I just mean you’ll keep having a problem with him that fundamentally can’t be resolved. I hope we can support you to moving on from this guy and getting the better relationship you deserve.
redcurleysue
I can understand why in general he has trust issues. But his past is not your problem, anymore than if you had trust issues from your past.
Just tell him that he needs to learn to trust again or he will spoil all his future relationships. You are not his ex….you did not cheat on him…not fair for you to pay for that.
Maybe he needs a counselor to help him sort out what is what.Lane
Molly, what you aren’t understanding is TRUST will always be the elephant standing in the middle of your relationship. He is going to constantly question everything you do, and you will eventually feel drained, going in circles, trying to constantly defend yourself. Your life, your choice but I don’t think you truly understand the albatross that will be hanging around your neck if you stay with this man.
This is not how a healthy relationship starts but how a bad one will ultimately ends..lack of trust.
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