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  • #659826 Reply


    So I am pretty sure I am a demisexual. I am 31 and have only had intercourse with one man in my life. It was a 4 year relationship that started when I was 26, and we did not sleep together for a year. I read a lot of posts on here, and I get really discouraged. What I see is what I also see among my peers. That is that maybe 1/2 of women have sex on the first date, like 90% by date 3, and if you don’t sleep with someone by date 5 you are a prude and the guy will leave you. With most men, I have no desire to have sex unless I know them really well which takes 3-5 months. Once I do thought I like to have sex about 2x a week.

    The last man I dated I really liked. It was a type of chemistry that I am not used to so I moved faster than normal, and honestly faster than I felt comfortable with. I had oral sex with him on the fourth date. However, I told him I would not sleep with him until he got tested for STD’s. He was open with me about hooking up with a fair number of women,and he admitted he had not been tested in 2 years. Given that I thought it was reasonable. However I also know it is not common. In the last two years he slept with a lot of women and none worried about STDs.

    What happened in bed on our 5th date I think is what caused him to ghost me. Up until before that date he was really into me and talking about the future, etc. As I was leaving right after our bed session, his attitude changed and he also made up an excuse about why he knew he couldn’t see me that weekend. A lame excuse. I wasn’t surprised to not hear from him again. So what happened in bed is I repeated that I would not have intercourse until he was tested, I failed to get him off with oral sex (it might be because I made him use a condom, but that had never happened to me before and he is the 5th man I had oral sex with). He went down on me which I loved. However I hate being penetrated with fingers and I told him so, and he just said, “I wish you would let me”.

    I really liked this guy, so I was disappointed of course. But I never chase men and I know he was only one guy. What worries me a lot more is what it all represents. I worry that either I will never find a partner or the only way I will is if I seriously compromise my comfort. I really want marriage and children and am just down about the whole thing. If anybody has any advice I would appreciate it. I don’t mind compromising some with men, but I would want it to be a compromise.

    #659948 Reply


    Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.

    #659954 Reply


    He probably left you because you are obviously not sexually compatible. Your conditions and inhibitions became too much for him to handle. First, to get tested as a requirement for sex. While it is admirable and of course, safe practice, not all STI’s are detectable by routine tests. Even if you use condoms, you can still get HPV and herpes for instance. And speaking of which, why not use condoms for penetration? You required him to use condom for BJ, right? But did he use a dental dam when he went down on you? It seems to me that you are only concerned about your likes and wants. (You did not even let him put his finger in you.) Sex should be fully enjoyable to both parties, hence, he was turned off from not getting fully satisfied. As a matter of fact, he was probably even frustrated by you. He has had other sexual partners in the past and I bet they were more willing partners. I’m not saying you should discard your belief on getting tested. I get tested after every sexual partner even though I always adhered to using protection each time. (Not that I have many…) Communication and trust in relationships are important. He was honest in saying he’s had multiple partners in the past and admitted to not being tested. You could have stopped at that, asked him to get tested even before you did any sexual stuff. Oral sex is also sex by the way.

    #659957 Reply


    I mean, if that’s the only thing preventing you from having sexual intercourse and enjoying sex fully, then by all means, ask your partner to go get tested. It’s only fair that you are both “clean” before you embark on this together. I will emphasize though that ideally, you should have a committed, exclusive relationship before you enter into any sexual relationship with someone. I’d say ideally, because I am guilty of not following this (but that’s for a different story). In this day and age of hook-ups, netflix and chill, FWB’s, it is easier and easier for men and women to have sex with strangers and people you barely know. Hence, I understand your fear of getting STI’s and protecting yourself. So, get educated about this, read about how you can protect yourself, get tested, know a partner more before getting intimate, and I just don’t mean their status, but also past sexual and dating history. There are a lot of players out there, and it’s sometimes hard not to fall prey into them. Sometimes, you just don’t know…It is a big risk we all are taking out there

    #659963 Reply


    Thanks for the feedback I’m sure you are right. Yes, of course, other women had sex with him without getting tested. That is exactly why I wanted him to. He had sex with a lot of women he barely knew.It’s interesting that everyone tells you to make sure your partner is clean but noone really means it. And yes, it is because you can still get std’s with condoms that I wanted him tested.

    I don’t disagree with anything you said. I guess I am sad that I am just not meant for today’s dating world. My problem, I know. Maybe I can find an asexual to date and just give up on sex entirely. I am not religious at all, so dating a religious person wouldn’t work with me. And I can’t keep with the pace of sex and the need for men to finger me. I will say though I wasn’t only concerned with my needs. I gave him oral sex. I did a lot of other things he wanted. And I told him I would be willing to explore other things if he got tested. I know, my standards are still too demanding for our culture. This really bums me out.

    #659966 Reply


    I’m not sure what you re talking about. 3-5 months sounds like a rather normal timeframe to feel comfortable before having sex. Sure, some women have sex on first date, but there are also women who wait (years) to get married before they have sex. there are such women, even on this site sometimes. 3-5 months is somewhere in between those extremes, and it’s definitely not particularly long.

    #659968 Reply


    and you want to find an asexual man? just find a normal man who will be respectful and into you (and not only after sex). and give him time to both gain your trust and wake up the beast in you and I’m sure you will fall in love even with fingering.

    #659972 Reply


    Thanks Shoshannh. Most of my experience teaches me that it is insanely rare to wait 3-5 months for sex. And when I go on website where guys talk about dating most of them say that they will quit dating a girl if they won’t sleep with them by the 5th date. So I would love to find a man who would be on my page, I just think the odds are really low. At least in the US, where I live.It seems if I went on a site for asexuals at least I would know what I was getting.

    #659973 Reply


    That reminds me there was just a post here the other day about a girl who refused a guy for sex after 2 months. Most people came on and said 2 months is really long to wait and it is reasonable that he left her.

    #659975 Reply


    Dating sites where some jerks try to show off is not the best source of information. Maybe you had bad experiences. I promise you that a man who respects you will wait as long as you wish until you are comfortable (sure, if it was something extreme such as years, then maybe they would be annoyed, but 3 months…). Most of women need some time to feel comfortable and if you’re not comfortable, then no surprise that you’re not fully enjoying the experience. Good sex requires not only passion, but also a good level of trust and comfort. Best of luck to you and have more confidence in your instincts.

    #659977 Reply


    I think I haven’t seen this thread in here. I’m in Europe where they say we are more sexually liberal and I think all of men that I have ever dated would understand that it may take a few months before having sex (if they treat you seriously, that is)

    #659984 Reply


    You know this makes me wonder about whether Europe is still more sexually liberal than the US. I live in Germany and the US, and my experience is that this isn’t the case. In Europe people seem less likely to date more than one person at a time and do not want sex as fast as American men. Maybe my experience is not representative though, I’m curious.

    Anyway, OP: I think you just have to weed through a lot of men to find your type. It will be harder for you than most, but we all have to do some weeding.

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