Dating your ex’s coworker after being cheated on


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This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  T from NY 1 month ago.

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  • #783460 Reply

    Laura

    Hello!
    So I’ve got a bit of a situation that spans all of the forum topics. A bit of background about me- I just got out of a year long relationship where my ex cheated on me for almost the whole year we were together. He lives in another country for work, but we tried the long distance thing. I am a flight attendant and I wanted to break up several months before it ended- he wanted to work on things. While we “worked on things” he had seen several girls (even asking one to be his girlfriend before he and I broke up) and it all came crashing down when the other girl cyber stalked me to contact me. No really- she made a fake Instagram to follow him and I and found me on my super private Facebook. ANYWAYS- it’s been about 2 months since this ended and I’ve really been taking my time to recover.

    For me- what I am working on rebuilding from is the idea that I wanted the relationship to end but trusting him to work on things (lesson learned!) I’m not ready to get into anything serious, but I’m also willing to put myself out there and go on dates.

    But to my REAL situation- I matched with my ex’s coworker on Bumble well after my ex and I broke up. I was very clear about making sure he was comfortable before I gave him my number. Turns out- the new guy and my ex don’t really like each other much and the new guy is the EXACT opposite of my ex. I didn’t want them to have issue at work, so I wasn’t super responsive to him and I’ve always been mindful to the new guys perspective. He said he was comfortable and wanted to get to know me. I gave him my number, and we hit it off immediately.

    For work as a flight attendant, I was in the country the new guy lives in and we went on 2 dates. We both talked about what we were looking for and both agreed that we were in no rush to make things serious. Both of our dates went for hours and we kissed on the first date- we both were just in the moment and having fun. We had hooked up after the second date because it felt right and since we both made it clear about what we wanted, I don’t see it as an “emotional” thing rather than casual and “in the moment.” Throughout the first few weeks, he has been very mindful in asking if I’m ok and where I’m at with him knowing my ex and I’ve done my best to reciprocate the same. I can see myself getting to know him better.

    I landed back in the US and texted him (time difference I know, not the best way) “I just landed! Honestly thank you so much. I’ve already told you that “you know who” did a number on me and I’d like to take my time. I asked you about what you were looking for and stuff because I just wanted to make sure your needs were being met in this whole process too. Your needs are important to me. It was so nice being in the moment with a handsome and respectful man, so thank you. I’m looking forward to taking the time to get to know you better.”

    He didn’t respond directly to that- he was on a weekend ski trip so I just assumed that was why. We did text a bit, and the two of us have been busy for work so the texting has been minimal both ways. I still can’t help but get nervous that I came on too strong with that one, so I’ve been holding back on reaching out just to give him space.

    Unfortunately (?) he’s about to leave to a different country for a month and he is in a very demanding job. Like I said- the sex wasn’t emotional and I’m fully aware that we aren’t going to be in a relationship tomorrow (lol.) I know the areas of myself that I want to mend and make better, so I know I’m not rushing. But I also really want to get to know this man. I can’t speak to “if I see more” because we just met and he and I live in different countries. On the other side, as a flight attendant with the ability to see him whenever, I can’t help but think about my next steps in making sure things go well.

    Was I clingy with the text? Did I mess up and how can I fix it? How can I make it clear to him that I want to get to know him better but I know things are casual right now? What are some next steps that I can take that are slow but also affirmative?

    #783464 Reply

    Better off single

    Take it easy. Overthinking it will get you emotional. If you want to sabotage it, get emotional. Your comment about what “you know who” did to you is off putting and kind of emotional…dramatic. Even if you weren’t trying to be. He will contact you if he doesn’t see you as a psycho. (Not saying you are.) He is a completely different person and isn’t your ex. You said he is the exact opposite, but why are you comparing?

    Continue with life as normal. Be open and friendly when he does reach out. Lower your expectations.

    It’s not rocket science. You had a good first few dates and slept with him on the second one. You’re not in a rush you say, your thoughts about it speak differently. You want to get to know him, he might just see you as a booty call. I just went through something similar. Texted back and forth for a few months, saw each other in person maybe 5 times. Slept with him on the 3rd or 4th. He lost interest in me and I got emotional. I texted him and got the whole “for what its worth Im sorry…you’re a nice girl but…blah blah blagfgfhhnsnn×t%*!!!%×÷#

    Just be careful hun. Be free. Be you. Love yourself. Wear lipstick, eat your veggies, do your squats, and care not about what he thinks of you.

    #783465 Reply

    Khadija

    I would not date this guy.
    Too much chatter about the ex and the long distance starting off isn’t a good idea.

    I think you need more time to heal and honesty find someone who lives in the same country.

    #783466 Reply

    Laura

    I’ll add- as far as long distance goes, I’m always gone as a flight attendant so no matter what guy I date, it’ll be long distance. He’s also in a job that takes him around the world in the military so it’s a bit of a different dynamic. I’ll never be in a relationship if I get scared of long distance haha

    #783467 Reply

    Khadija

    Do you have a home base as a flight attendant?

    I think long distance can work if there is time that you two will eventually be together permanently.

    Otherwise, I don’t see a relationship surviving.

    #783468 Reply

    LaFrance Thibodeaux

    If I were in your situation I wouldnt have high expectations for anything serious with this guy..I say this because you’ve given him your ‘treasure’ already..I know that some people have that ‘We’re going to do it one day so why not now’ mentality,but I think that it can ruin future relationship possibilities..I dont think that the text was to clingy, but the good part has already been done imo..My advice would be to keep your options open,unless he shows(NOT TELL)you other wise..Also,be prepared to be the topic of guy talk(the ex & him)..If he really doesn’t like your ex he’s sure to make yalls rendezvous known..If you enjoyed your time with him & have no regrets then you’ve won!..You dont have anything to lose if you’re happy!..

    #783480 Reply

    Lane

    Honestly, these type of discussions shouldn’t be done through text especially if you already discussed it. Would a frying pan smashed over his head be the next step to make sure he knows that you are not over the ex and want nothing more than an ONS (one night stand) from time-to-time?

    Why did you feel compelled to text that instead of keeping it easy breezy? I don’t think you were clingy but you are definitely coming off as wishy-washy, whereas you are telling us one thing but telling him another and not be authentic or genuine with anyone. I would be very hesitant to continue or waste any time on someone after reading that, as you appear to be still stuck on your ex (why the need to mention him?) and making it far to heavy than it should or needs to be at this early juncture. He’s doing the slow fade.

    The only ‘fix’ is to stop talking about the darn ex and emotional talk of what he wants because its far too early for him to know that. If he’s not bringing it up, then you don’t bring it up and just get to know him like you would anyone else, male or female, and see where it goes from there.

    #783483 Reply

    Laura

    Lane- definitely felt like that after the text. It was a word vomit situation and I honestly just got nervous. How do I recover? Aside from giving him space and letting him reach out, how can I “prove” that I’m not still hung up on the ex?

    Because honestly I’m not hung up on him, I just don’t want to be hurt again.

    #783484 Reply

    Laura

    Also I’ll say that since the cringey text, he has been responsive to me for both of us having a busy work week. I feel like I severely messed up with the text, but am I overthinking it?

    I mean he is about to be on a work trip for a month too 😅

    #783485 Reply

    tammy

    I am sorry but I don’t see this working out as a relationship. u travel and so does he. besides he knows u dated his co-worker. another deterrent. and sex too soon. it was just light and breezy and fun with sex thrown in. I would suggest that you just go with the flow for a couple of months and see how things pan out.

    #783492 Reply

    Lane

    Sorry but you are going to get hurt again, its life, and need to get to used it. No man can ever guarantee he’s never going to hurt you or you are going to hurt a man because we don’t have crystal balls and just have to play it out and see where it takes us as real life is not Hollywood but closer to Vegas and have a 50/50 shot of it working or not working. There are known risks in dating and relationships where you have to beware of and accept them if you are going to date.

    Its up to you to be a better judge of a man’s character. If a man doesn’t treat you right, then you put your big girl boots on and walk away. Don’t look to this guy as a he’s all that and a bag of chips as you don’t know him at all. He could be a commitment phobe, he could be playing the field, he could be ready to settle down, he could be…fill in the blanks. Only time will reveal this and it could be revealing it now that he doesn’t want anything heavy or long term and just likes a dalliance here and there.

    You are putting far too much blind faith in people you don’t know instead of giving them the proper time to earn a place in your life.

    #783502 Reply

    Newbie

    You are making a big deal out of a one night stand to the point where you dont want to get hurt. Thats an odd statement about a one night stand. I feel the same as khadija: if you bumble all over the world, you are more likely to meet more guys like your ex. You must have a hometown. Because you dropping into a city once or twice a month is like Paradise for the guys who are not really serious. That would work if you are not serious, but i dont get that vibe from you. I think dating the ex’s Coworker where you had the globe to pick guys from is also a very bad idea. So i think you should ask yourself why you do things that are not in your best interest

    #783572 Reply

    T from NY

    I agree with a lot that’s been said. You come across as a smart, strong woman – but also still vulnerable and raw. I feel that if you were completely over your ex you would have stayed away from anyone associated with him with a 10 foot pole! Being cheated on is a trauma! It takes a long time, even some of these types of casual relationships, and maybe acting a tad foolish to work through and process everything.

    Your whole post is what I call a talkin-out-both-sides-of-ya-mouth situation. You SAY you told this guy you are OK with nothing serious, but that text, and talking about your ex, and saying you’re interested in getting to know him better, and worrying about it he’s being responsive to you … and on and on …. is the OPPOSITE. Let me explain. When a woman says she isn’t looking for anything serious it usually means this in womanspeak:
    “I am staying away from any labels or outright pronouncements of what something is because I’m guarding my heart right now and really don’t want to get hurt again”
    Saying you’re not looking for anything serious in manspeak means: “Awesome. She’s down for causal, no strings attached sex, no exclusivity and I don’t have to talk to her about her emotions or tell her where I am all the time. Score!”

    I’ve had casual sex during a certain time in my life and it was one of the funnest periods of my life. But I NEVER, not ever expected anything more than a session of banging it out. I feel you need to take some more time and get clear what you want. No one wants to be “alone” even at times it’s EXACTLY what our spirit needs. I am not the person to tell you to stop dating altogether. I think SOME dating after a break up helps propel us to feelings we wouldn’t otherwise face. But it is not healthy to be talking to other men about the number your ex did on you UNLESS they are asking you a direct question about what you’re dating for, why you’re acting a certain way etc. Not to mention mentioning it practically advertises weakness. Healthy men are attracted to confident women. Men who want to take care of damsels in distress turn out to be not-great partners when the woman has healed.

    So you have lots of questions to ask yourself and I think almost none of them involve this casual interaction guy. Take some more time. Tend to you. Heal. I wish you the best!

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