Dating Help!


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This topic contains 3 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Miss_A 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #709567 Reply

    Adrianna

    So, I don’t understand dating!

    I was in a relationship for over 5 years and have spent some time single for a while now. I finally feel ready to move forward and start dating again. So I set up two dates through online dating. Both guy’s seem genuinely interested. They each texted or called me every day leading up to the day of the date. Though we never established a time,I had the day and the actual date confirmed with both guys.

    One was suppose to let me know once he got off work so that we could meet up, the other was going to check for availability and then let me know. Well, neither of them followed through. It sucked when it happened with the first guy this week and sucked even more when it happened a second time.

    Is this what is considered normal in dating? Just being ghosted on the day of? Again, both guys maintained contact until the day of the date and then neither followed through. I thought about texting the second guy just to see if he had a rough time frame but my best friend said not to that I had already showed interest and he was the one that had agreed on letting me know the time. So I guess I don’t know what I did wrong or if this is just dating nowadays. Just wanna make sure if i’m the one making mistakes that I fix it. I feel like a baby deer learning to walk, for now, I’m terrible at this.

    #709568 Reply

    Jenny

    Yes, Adrianna, unfortunately this is normal these days. However – until you have an actual day, time and place mutually agreed in advance, it is NOT a date!! Don’t fall for this. These guys are probably juggling multiple women or not really available for some reason. Don’t take it personally.

    Here’s how I do it: trade some email with a guy. He should be asking to meet you within about a week of email chatting. If he isn’t doing that, cut him off, he’s a time waster. Before you meet, don’t be communicating too much. And don’t add to social media too fast, even if you like him when you meet!! You don’t want to set expectations that can’t be met. It’s common for people to chat too much and develop a connection and then meet in person and it’s a bust. Meet for a drink or coffee, first meeting should be no more than 2 hours no matter how well you get along.

    Stay away from guys who are recently out of relationships or just separated. Get good at screening. And if they talk about sex too early, just drop them. Let them do the work to impress you and you should be in evaluation mode for at least 90 days. Actions and words need to match; don’t fall for pretty words. And if he’s too intense and keen too fast, slow the roll and see what he does. Anyone who wants to get exclusive too fast, it’s a red flag. And for pete’s sake, stay out of bed and don’t get too physical too quickly. No home dates for a while. Don’t fall the for “Netflix and chill” or “come over and I’ll cook for you” invitations.

    If you are going to online date, get a thick skin or don’t do it.

    #709601 Reply

    anon

    Yes. The third option is confirming time and place, confirming a couple hours ahead, then they don’t show up. SMH.

    I usually follow up day of with a “just want to confirm that we are still on for X at Y.”. If a guy thinks that is needy and assertive and ghosts me, oh well. Any guy who was ever serious either confirmed with me or didn’t seem to mind me confirming.

    Online dating is a lot of time wasters. I’d say 80% of matches go nowhere. 10% are conversations that go on and lead nowhere. 3% ask me out and flake on me. 2% show up to the date either married or not looking like their pics. 3% are zero chemistry but nice. 2% are worthwhile. So look at your matches. 5% will be a decent date. 2% will be relationship material.

    #709603 Reply

    Miss_A

    Sadly, this happens often with online dating. You didn’t do anything wrong. These guys are flakes, and I hope you don’t accept any excuses from them. I have four tips for online dating (I plugged away at it for years):

    1) Don’t get emotionally invested until AT LEAST 4-5 successful dates.
    2) Don’t take it personally when a guy acts like this. It’s not you. It’s a reflection on them.
    3) Don’t put all your focus on one guy UNTIL he proves, over a period of months, that he’s worth your time. In other words, keep talking to and dating lots of guys until one asks for an exclusive relationship and you agree.
    4) Online dating, if you’re seriously looking for something real, is like a full-time job. It gets exhausting. Take breaks – like a couple weeks, here and there, where you don’t check it at all. You’ll come back recharged with a clear head and open heart. Try not to get too cynical. The right guy is out there. You’ll find him.

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