This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Luisa 6 months, 4 weeks ago.
February 21, 2018 at 11:36 pm #690044
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He I met him he had just had a spinal cord surgery. He was prescribed opioids and the. Was cut off. He smoked heroin for a bit. Anyways we live together now in the condo I own. He said he was clean and would work on getting better and. Part time job. He is in disability so has a limited income. He has started drink allot and it is getting out of control. My home is no longer my happy place and that is where I draw the line. I have put up with so much because I want to help him I love him. We live in a very expensive city so it will be hard for him to find a place to comfortably afford. I know we need to break up. I am at the point (he owes me $800) that if if pays and can stay sober even just enough I can stand him he would have until April. If not he needs to be out March 1. If he refuses I understand I need to remove him. I am so scared because he is an Addict and I don’t know what he could do. I am worried he will end up on the street or dead. But I also know I can’t change him and I need to be happy. Any encouragement would be welcomedFebruary 21, 2018 at 11:58 pm #690045
Get yourself to an ala-non meeting. They meet everyday and are in every community. This is the way to get immediate support from people who have been through this. Not a dating forum–
I’m glad you are going to be taking care of yourself. Stay strong!February 22, 2018 at 12:58 am #690046
Great suggestion on Alanon. You are going to go through a lot of emotions and you need support in removing him, because it’s not likely he’s going to change if he hasn’t already. You can only do so much when someone is in addiction and at a certain point you are doing them no favors by enabling them. My husband had a GF before he met me who became an alcoholic while they were living together and he tried and tried to help her and in the end he had to ask her to leave because she was destroying the house and along with it his peace of mind. She couldn’t hold a job and was drunk most of the time. When he told her she had a week to find somewhere else to go, she got angry and had a few, and then pulled out a knife and ripped up his brand new sofa. He got it away from her and got her handbag and gently got her out the door, and took her set of keys. The next day he packed her things and took them to her mother’s house. He felt a great sense of relief after she was gone and got his life back. He did feel guilty and worried about her, but eventually he saw that she was responsible for her life and she wasn’t going to quit drinking while they were together. That was almost 4 years ago and the last he heard about a year ago, she was still a mess. He knows he may hear one day that she is dead. But it is not on him. You may need some help in getting him out if you have to ask him to leave, I wouldn’t do it alone. My husband is a big guy and could control the situation. You can’t. I’m sorry this is happening to you. All you can do is give him a deadline and offer all your support if he starts going to AA and making real efforts and progress in cleaning up his act. If he doesn’t, he’s out. What happens to him after that is not your problem. If he’s going down, don’t go with him.February 22, 2018 at 1:47 am #690048
Have you already given him notice he needs to leave? Does he have friends he can stay with?
After 4 years together, I would be fair on him and make sure he has enough notice to find somewhere else to live. Otherwise yes, there is a chance he’ll end up on the street. A week quite often isn’t long enough to find accomodation. If he has friends or family that will help, a week is plenty of time.
Once you know you’ve given him time to find somewhere, that’s all you can do. It’s up to him how he wants to live the rest of his life and it’s not your problem.
I think a lot of people enable addiction without meaning to. You’ve put up with him going from one drug to another and have supported him throughout. He’s had a support net and hasn’t had to address his problems. Take that way and he might start sorting himself out.February 22, 2018 at 6:28 am #690060
You’ve evolved into a ‘codependent’ and will need to come to terms with your own issues in order to end this with him. I suggest reading “Codependent No More…” by Melody Beatty as your too susceptible to his manipulation as there’s a pathology of addicts you need to know or your going into battle without a shield or weapons when he promises to change. You really need to be at the point of “I’M DONE” and mean it as in NO MORE (not one more chance) or you’ll just continue to repeat the dysfunctional cycle…wash, rinse. repeat.
Although I do believe an al-anon meeting is good place to go, as it does offer good information, however be careful as I found many of those who attend remain in ‘victim mode’ for too long so use it as one of many resources to deal with the addict first, and then tackle your own codependency as your at a high risk of carrying that baggage into a future relationship and its a horrible way to live your life.
My question to you is are you TRULY DONE? If not then nothing we say will help you. If you are, then you need to take active steps to understand and learn about your codependency; how to counter the manipulation tactics your BF will employ; and THEN remove him from your home and life. Please know you will need to completely distance yourself from the addict by going no contact in order to start your own healing—its a critical part of the process.
It will be hard initially so I suggest reading A LOT such as the steps of a divorce/breakup (there are up to seven) and other good self-help books to rebuild your self-worth and esteem as your addicted to the addict the same way he’s addicted to the chemicals. You will go through your own withdrawal process but trust me on this after six months you will find a sense of PEACE and CALM in your life and be so grateful that your no longer stuck in a black hole of madness. Been there, done that, won’t ever ever ever do it again!February 22, 2018 at 6:28 pm #690174
Thank you all so much. I got the book codependent no more. It’s wonderful and more helpful than I thought. You are all amazingFebruary 22, 2018 at 9:49 pm #690211
Poor guy. I feel very sorry for him, but the harsh reality is 1) either he alone goes down, or 2) you both go down.
There’s gotta be some social services, some friends and relatives. Give him 2 months notice, so that he can get real. But be sure not to change your mind. It will be too cruel. You are the stronger one, you have this responsibility.
Give him plenty of time, help with arrangements, ask his friends and relatives, go with him to social services, do whatever is necessary but get him out of your house and out your life.February 23, 2018 at 7:19 pm #690346
He’s not going to pay you back and he’s not going to get off the drugs either. Prepare yourself for the big hurt to come. If he cared about his relationship with you, he would already be doing the things that make you happy or least making a very good go of it. The question is how long you are going to let him take advantage of you and your good nature before you through the guy out.February 23, 2018 at 7:19 pm #690347
throw the guy out