Home › Forums › The Community Lounge › Covid19, stress, and relationships
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Lane.
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Kait
I wanted to start a thread to discuss some effects of shelter in place on us and our relationships. I want to be compassionate, and honest to the surroundings and myself.
I’m definitely the lucky one during this crisis. I started to work with a new company right before the lockdown. I still have my job, just shifted to work from home. I’m really thankful of the change, as the new culture fits me a lot better. At the same time, I also find it hard to focus while learning many new things on the new job. Also the job is in a different state, so I need to move at some point. After sheltering in place for a few months, I finally decided to move. Mostly because my current desk setup is very lacking. I didn’t want to spend money to purchase and move soon. To me this is another added stress.
But at the same time, my relationship is going south. My husband started to express his frustration of me not being appreciative. We talked and I seem to only slip back again. Last night he said he felt I’ve changed. I’m now self-centered, and taking him for granted. He feels that he would be happier without being in a relationship.
That was a harsh alarming to me. I know with the new job and move and a lot other things going on, I’ve been stressed out. Even when I stepped back to appreciate what I have, it’s not helping. There’re many days when I feel so tired of everything going on and wish I could hide somewhere and not have to deal with hurricanes of emergencies. I don’t know if I have become someone else, or all these are just manifested mostly by current circumstances.I’m a true believer of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I really hope we can come out this stronger. At the same time, I wonder if anyone is experiencing something similar that’s unfortunately spilling to damage the relationship?
Jenny OG
Kait, no worries, it’s a collectively stressful time so don’t beat yourself up about feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it’s entirely natural considering our circumstances. With that being said, these times are really testing ALL relationships-friendships, familial and obviously romantic ones. Congrats on being one of the lucky ones who still has a job, etc. but again, right now I can’t imagine the stress of being in the beginning stages of a new one. Depending on how much you value your marriage, I’d suggest LISTENING to what your husband is saying… it’s especially important right now to make conscious efforts to create even the faintest light in all of this chaos and remind yourself that you’re not the only one feeling down or exhausted, you’re not the only one who’d like to “escape” this mess. But yes, push through. Do things that calm you & put you at ease as often as possible *meditation, reading, going for a walk, painting, whatever… Then tell the man you love him, tell him you’re sorry if he feels taken for granted and assure him that’s not your intent, ask him what he needs from you to make such a trying time less difficult and tell him what you need from him. Communicate that you hope this can strengthen your relationship & express that you are feeling a bit “off” but that that’s honestly not reflective of or due to how you’re feeling about HIM
Jenny OG
I think the main thing we should all remember right now is that what most of us are feeling as individuals is actually what we’re all feeling collectively. Be supportive of others, be mindful of their feelings, show warmth, love & kindness whenever possible bc wouldn’t you appreciate the same in return? Even the smallest of considerate gestures mean SO much to people right now and it’s probably more needed now than it’s ever been. It’s so easy to spiral out of control & get lost in your own emotions, but now’s not the time for that! Good luck! :)
P.S. I work for a divorce attorney… trust me when I say, my job is feeling VERY secure these days. Relationships are falling apart left & right bc people are seeing clearly what type of “team” they have… And when your carrying a 300lb. bag up a hill, it’s hard to dismiss the feeling that your doing it alone & even worse to discover that you may even prefer it that way
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Lane
You need to start asking him to help take the load off but spend time doing things for him too. Right now it doesn’t seem like you are able to find some ‘balance’ and if you can’t then you are going to have take the risk of losing him.
Think of how you can ask him, kindly, to help take the load off by doing tasks he can easily do, and then showing your appreciation by doing something for him, such as cooking his favorite meal, and spending some quality time doing what he enjoys, so you can maintain the bond/connection.
For instance, my BF loves feeling “needed”, especially with my business where I have a ‘honey do’ list waiting for him when he gets home. All I have to do is give him lots of praise (tell him what a wonderful job he’s doing/done); lots of affection (kisses, hugs, sexy time), and most importantly, going out and doing things he likes to do such as playing a game of pool, darts, golf, etc. because my life is now less hectic because he helped to clear my plate off, so I have more time/room for him. Throw in lots of kisses and smiles to show him how happy he makes you, and they will love you for it! They really are easy to please, because the “happier” (key word) YOU ARE, the happier they are! :o)
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