This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Phyllida 1 day ago.
May 16, 2019 at 10:22 am #750155
I am very confused about something that happened recently in my relationship. I would appreciate any advice that any of you can give me. Thanks.
So, I have been in a relationship on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years. Recently we had an argument as there have been issues for a while as we don’t spend a lot of time together (he works nights and we don’t live together) which doesn’t help. The argument was pretty bad and out of nowhere he starts sobbing saying he’s sick of arguing and scared I’m going to leave him. I comfort him and told him I wouldn’t leave him ok and he said good and stops crying.
Fast forward a week. He came over the other night as a surprise saying work doesn’t need him tonight and he wanted to see me. I was surprised as wasn’t expecting him, however, was happy to see him. Once in my flat, I told him I needed to get in the shower as had been working earlier and was sweaty. He then asked if he could join me and I said no. He knows I don’t like it and has always respected this in the past. I then got in the shower and closed the door fully. After 5 mins he walked in the bathroom naked and just got in the shower with me. I told him to get out, but he started kissing me and ignored what I said. I didn’t say anything more and just went along with it.
After us both getting out of the shower we got in bed, we started to make out and had sex (me on top) and he came. After lying down cuddling for a bit he suddenly starts tickling me really hard and when I said stop it and was trying to push him off cause it hurt. He just started to laugh at me and carried on. Next thing he gets on top of me and forces my legs open and I ask him what he’s doing and then say no, as we’ve just had sex. He just said no (in a daft voice) and then pushes inside of me and then he starts tickling me again really hard. I ask him to stop again and he said what “The tickling or sex”. I said the tickling (not the sex) and he stops. He then while still inside me said “I love you ok” and then proceeds to pin one of my hands down and puts his other hand around my throat and starts having sex with me really hard. I didn’t say no but cried out a few times in bed and he started to do it harder. After. He got off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you, I could tell you wasn’t in the mood”. I said no as I was tired from work and we had just had sex. He then said, “You know why I tickle you”? I said no and he replied, “Because I’m the man and I can”.
I am confused about this incident as we have only ever had gentle sex in the past and he has always stopped when I have told him not to do things. I am not sure if my feelings are over the top or even if what he did was that bad. I would really appreciate any advice you can give me. Thanks.May 16, 2019 at 10:50 am #750157
well no means no, it’s a rape even if you 2 are in relationshipMay 16, 2019 at 10:51 am #750158
also as it weird as it sounds I think he is cheating on youMay 16, 2019 at 10:52 am #750159
also as weird as it sounds I think he is cheating on youMay 16, 2019 at 10:56 am #750160
This is alarming, please never minimize your own feelings,what he did was not ok!!
I had something similar happened to me a while a go and definitely something is going on with him, he has insecurity issues and sounds really manipulative.
You should evaluate this relationship,and what is adding to your life,cause it will probably get worse.
You deserve better.May 16, 2019 at 10:57 am #750161
Fake post.May 16, 2019 at 12:07 pm #750171
Wish it was a fake post StephenMay 16, 2019 at 12:31 pm #750176
You need to work on setting your boundaries.
“he knows I don’t like it”
“I told him to get out”
“I told him to stop”
“I said no”
and he ignored all of these things.
Do you say ‘no’ in a half-hearted way, or firmly? Does he think you say no and then can be persuaded? You can be firm and fair.
If you are firm and he’s doing this, RUN AWAY FAST.May 16, 2019 at 12:41 pm #750180
Thank you everyone for your advice and replying to this post so far. You made a good point Louise, I do struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries with people and saying no.
Ewa, out of interest, what makes you believe he’s cheating on me?May 16, 2019 at 12:51 pm #750181
I somewhat agree with Stephen as I’ve never ever experienced this in any of my relationships…that kind of behavior seeps out pretty early not years down the road. If a man is gentle and has always stopped when told ‘no’ he doesn’t all of sudden become a Dr. Jekyll out of the blue, especially 4 years later. I’m not saying I never had to tell a man “NO”, have many times in many different situations including ‘tickling’ but if he continued he would be met with one really pissed off woman who would make damn sure that if he didn’t STOP I would make him stop by either WALKING AWAY or kick him in the balls and then walk away by refusing to engage with them any further unless I received a solid sincere apology and felt 100% assured he would never ever ever do it again. Sometimes walking away FOREVER is the only way and I’ve done that too.May 16, 2019 at 1:20 pm #750194
This in a way sounds like he had a pretty rough week. Wanted to take his mind off things and have a little fun. Something explicitly different and something that made him feel in charge and make him feel manly. Mostly because he hasn’t been feeling like so lately maybe?
I do agree he shouldn’t force things and should respect when you say no though, but can’t really determine if this is something psychological or just a moment he had as it’s the first time ever. I guess you can observe his behaviour more from here on and see.May 16, 2019 at 1:24 pm #750197
What makes me think he is cheating? Because he clearly tried that type of sex game with that other woman and now he is testing it on you. He felt really frustrated even angry when having sex and this is what men generally do when they have a side chick . That’s my experience anyway . Everyone is differentMay 16, 2019 at 1:24 pm #750198
“Because I’m the man and I can”
Get out of this relationship now…May 16, 2019 at 1:27 pm #750200
Yikes. Perhaps you can sit him down, tell him what happened from your perspective, and ask him not to repeat it. And also let him know if he does, you will need to reconsider if this is the relationship for you.
That way, you have communicated, made a specific request and let him know there are consequences to not doing it.May 16, 2019 at 8:36 pm #750251
Off and on for four years. That says it all.May 16, 2019 at 10:27 pm #750252
What’s the matter with everyone? I can’t believe some of the responses.
This is so far beyond unacceptable I don’t even know where to start. This was rape and torture, plain and simple. He could be prosecuted for this… except he wouldn’t get convicted, so waste of time.
If you see him again, he will do this again. Did you enjoy being raped? What are your issues that you would even still think about being with someone like this??? No self respecting woman puts up with this type of abuse. It was sick, sexual abuse. He won’t stop. It will be worse next time. And then he’ll decide it would be fun to kill you because he can probably get away with it.
Wake the hell up before you get raped again, or worse. If you don’t drop him right now, you need serious counseling.May 17, 2019 at 5:31 am #750260
This is very difficult to tell….
There is playfully saying no and then going with it because he likes the feeling of control or the women likes being taken, being the submissive. And having his hand around your throat as a display of power, again because of the control and/or submission without causing any actual physical harm (this is a form of sex play that’s agreed on between partners)
And then there is you saying no, and him forcing himself on you, actually hurting you, and actually choking you whilst you’re making it clear that you’re not enjoying it and want it to stop
If it’s the first, with prior discussion and consent from both parties, it’s fine. If it’s the second, he raped you. Then you leave nowMay 17, 2019 at 6:31 am #750264
SMH. So you’ve trained him that no means yes. I don’t know who’s sicker, you or him.
Until you decide that your body is yours and it’s sacred and no one touches you without permission and you mean it, and you will leave anyone who disrespects you as badly as this man has, he will do it again. For sure.
This man has a lot of deep psychological issues. Talking to him won’t accomplish anything. No one anywhere near normal behaves like this. Crying out of fear you’ll leave, torturing and raping you isn’t normal, do you really not get that? And telling you he loves you while doing this?? @Pamela really nailed it on this one. All kinds of sick going on here. And I agree with her, this man has a very dark side that’s a serious threat to your well-being and maybe even your life.
Please go find someone professional to help you deal with what happened to you and get out of this relationship. This is extremely damaging. Don’t let him do this to you again.May 17, 2019 at 10:23 am #750275
I am sorry for doubting you Katrin!May 20, 2019 at 8:16 am #750482
Thank you everyone for all your advice. I am not in denial anymore and realise that what he did was wrong. We are no longer together. He ended the relationship 2 days ago.
Thank you againMay 20, 2019 at 8:17 am #750483
It is ok Stephen. Thank you. I understand that this incident was so messed up it would be hard to believe.May 20, 2019 at 10:47 am #750504
I think he may be using drugs. Either way it’s sad that you didn’t end it after that horrific treatment he subjected you too. But at least you are out of it. Please don’t go back to this lunatic. XMay 20, 2019 at 10:49 am #750506
GOOD. I’m sorry you had to go through that. For God’s sake don’t ever take him back.May 20, 2019 at 11:31 am #750515
I’m pleased you’re out of the relationship, what was his reason? Surely not a sudden bout of self awareness?May 20, 2019 at 11:40 am #750520
Thank you. I definitely will not be taking him back. He said that he couldn’t see me for 3 months as work have changed his days off and I work the days he said he could see me.
He then asked if we could both move in together when my tenancy ends at the end of August but I would have to wait till then to see me as he is very busy.
After the above incident and him refusing to see me. I said to him i’m sick of been hurt and you don’t love me. He said he didn’t know what to say and hopes I find what i’m looking for and ended it.
All very strange.