Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Commitment phobic ex is back
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Tammy.
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Tess
I have posted before as well asking for movi g on advice. I was in a relationship with my ex for 5 years. It was a turbulent relationship. And he left me citing the reason that he doesn’t want to be in any relationship, get married etc and so i should look for someone else. I was totally blindsided by this. And i thought he will change his mind. I was totally shocked. He didn’t change his mind. I begged, cried and tried every possible way to get him back, to ease his commitment fears. I even said we can be together without marriage. He didn’t agree. He started getting tired of me as he was a loner and wanted to be alone. We even had sex when he came to meet me. He would even ask for phone sex and i would comply. He started abusing me and calling me sl*t, desperate and that how weird I was for not letting him go when he didn’t want to even look at my face. My depression has gotten very bad as I have terrible fear of abandonment. I would cry everyday the whole day, days became months and i stopped studying, showering or eating. I became really suicidal. I would still call him and beg him to talk to me nicely for 2 minutes as I was missing him badly but he would scold me badly and put the phone down. Sometimes he was nice too. Sometimes he would get back with me when i cried too much but would not commit for marriage. He even came to my city to meet me whenever I missed him too much. But I never knew what would happen. And it has been 1 years and four months since the breakup: I am still deeply depressed, suicidal, and i cry all the time and don’t do anything productive. I know it sounds pathetic. I went to hundreds of psychiatrists and therapists. But nothing worked for me.i am too traumatized. Just lately I started getting a little better and realised that waiting for him won’t bring him back it’s been more than a year now. So i thought maybe i should just checkout a dating app. And I ended up finding someone who I liked. We started meeting and are pursuing a friendship first as I am still very shaken by the last affair. And he is really nice and understanding.
However, the catch is, my ex is back now. He said that he tried to be alone but he couldn’t. He missed me every single day. And no matter how much he drank or drugged he couldn’t get me out of his head and heart. I asked him if he wanted to get married. He said that yes he wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend and if things go well we can get married in a year or two. He also said that he can prove to me that he hasn’t been with anyone throughout this breakup. He is an avoidant and just wanted a break and wanted to be single all his life. But he couldn’t manage that and he missed me daily.
I was waiting for this day,praying for this day when he would be back. But now I dont know what to do. The new guy seems promising and I am not able to trust my ex. What if he goes back on his promise of marriage again like before?
Tess
And I am also finding it difficult to forgive him for putting me through so much depression. Not blaming him for my mental health. But it feels very stupid that I was suicidal because of him and he didn’t care then, but now i should get back with him.
Tess
I don’t know the new guy very well yet but he has many green flags: he tries to help me with my problems on his own, he always picks my calls even during work. And when I say I don’t want to disturb him. He says that I don’t disturb him, in fact he waits for my calls and texts. Etc. He is just nice. He is not a commitment phone and is dating with the intention of finding a long term partner. I know it’s just the beginning and after 5 years he could do something bad too. But for now he seems safe.
Ewa
why haven’t you blocked this man? don’t let him back to your life, ever! Don’t even entertain the idea, you know why he is back right?
Because he knows (and trust me he knows) that you are back dating again so now he wants to see if he still has a control over you. Don’t let him play you.He doesn’t want you marry you, he doesn’t even want to be with you , please don’t listen to his lies…Tess
I blocked him many times. But i would feel so suicidal because of my abandonment fears and would miss him so much that i failed at putting no contact in place. I am very weirdly and unhealthily attached to him. I was just not able to get away or accept that he doesn’t want to be with me.
Tess
And tbh i am still not over him. I still love him. But I am too traumatised to get back with him. Because I just cannot forget how he treated me when all I wanted was some nice words from him….
Liz Lemon
You shouldn’t be dating at all right now. You should be in therapy to work out why are still so attached to someone who mistreated you so horribly. I agree with Ewa 100%, you should block the ex and not look back. He is manipulating and controlling you and jerking you around.
Have you really seen “hundreds of psychiatrists and therapists” in the past year and a half? That sounds like an exaggeration to me. It may take time to find a therapist that’s the right fit, but you should definitely be trying to get on a path to healing. If your depression is severe you might need to be on medication (but that’s for a psychiatrist to diagnose).
And frankly it’s unfair to be dragging the new guy into this, he sounds like a nice person and you have a lot of issues to work through.
You know the situation with the ex will not end well, that’s why you’re posting here. You know it’s not right! Follow your gut. But get some therapy to work out your internal issues. If you were emotionally healthy, this guy would have no hold over you whatsoever.
AngieBaby
STAY AWAY FROM THE OLD GUY. Please Tess. It always seems to happen this way. They sense that you’ve moved on and pop up again. You had an extremely unhealthy dynamic with him and that’s not ever going to change. You’ve just gotten yourself out of a deep hole, for which you deserve great praise, and are feeling good plus dating someone healthy who treats you right. For heaven’s sake, stick to that. I’d just block the other guy and not say anything more, but if you feel you need to say something then just keep it short and say, I don’t see any future for us after the way things went and I’ve moved on with my life. I wish you the best in your life. That’s all and then promptly block. Do not engage in conversation with him. You’ve come too far to go backslide.
Tess
Liz- I have been a patient of depression since 2017. So therapy has been a regular part of my life since many years. It just doesn’t benefit me. And I have been on meds many times too. Meds actually provide me relief but these days they aren’t working because of a health condition. I am working on finding the right medicine even now.
Angiebaby- I am attached to him because I was very toxic to him too. We both loved each other. And we both were very toxic to each other. So there is a lot of toxic trauma bond between us. I have worked on my toxic traits and I am better now. But he hasn’t. And I am sure he won’t work on them. I just really want this to work out somehow but I know what we had is lost now…..his returning has brought me much more sorrow than before….maybe it was easier to move on when I knew he doesn’t want me at all…
Ewa
He doesn’t want you ! He wants to see if he can still control you now that you are started dating . How can you be this blind ?!
AngieBaby
“I just really want this to work out somehow but I know what we had is lost now.”
You are torturing and hobbling yourself with this thinking. This is what’s known as pretzel logic. It goes in loops that keep you trapped.
Warning: straight talk coming. What you had – five years of unhealthy dysfunction. You didn’t really have a relationship, you were trauma bonding. That’s not love, sweetie. I don’t think you really know what love is. So nothing is lost and there’s nothing that can “work out.” Do you see?? You’ve tied yourself to a fantasy – an idealized version of the past. It doesn’t exist.
Ewa and everyone else is right. He doesn’t want you. He’s only interested right now because you stopped chasing him and you’re unavailable. He wants what he can’t get. If you go back to him, it will be the same story all over again. You think you’re in pain now- just wait. He’ll reject you again. You’ll be your bad old suicidal self in no time.
If regular talk therapy isn’t working, try some of the alternatives!!
You have to stand up and like yourself better than to keep entertaining this guy!!
Tess
Unfortunately you all are right. I was being delusional. We had a big fight yesterday for no reason. I had put up a status regarding the beauty of real long distance relationship of a couple who have been together for 5 years despite being long distance and are getting married now. He replied to that saying if you were so okay with long distance relationships then why did you keep calling me to visit you everyday during the relationship, we could have met only on weekends. You made me travel so much while you sat in your home doing nothing for me. I told him guess what I am still the same don’t text me again. And I blocked him. But then I felt very bad a I wrote a longish text explaining to him that I used to pay for his cab fare everytime, he himself wanted to come everyday, i used to try cooking for him, massage his face with my skin care products etc there were so many things i did for him. He said nastily said yeah yeah then he started listing out things he did for me and then he sent me 5-6 memes related to sl*ts and bi*ches and said they are all for you. I also lot of, we abused each other badly back and forth. And i was awakened. I realised I am better off without him. I don’t need this loser.
Thank you for your thoughtful replies.
AngieBaby
Please screen shot this entire thread and read it again if he ever comes back or you feel tempted to contact him again. You’ve got a clean break now. Make it stick this time. Block him everywhere – on your phone, email and all social media. Devote yourself totally to healing from this trauma bond experience and getting emotionally healthy. Wishing you strength and peace.
Tess
You won’t believe I already did that lol. Today after many days I enjoyed music and had a good time. I am free now. Cheers.
Tess
I even changed my email. Updated the new email everywhere. Because he’s been blocked before but reaches via other emails.
AngieBaby
GO TESS! Great work. Keep it up and post for support if you need to. Proud of you!! There are good times ahead for you.
Tess
Thanks angiebaby. I will post for sure. :)
Tammy
Its gud that you blocked. But you shld be at such a stage mentally that in the event he ever reconnects In future, you shld be able to say to yourself. Nopes. No more. And either ignore or block him. Evryone told you to stay away but you still engaged with him. In a way its gud you did! Cause now you really know and have your closure. A man who calls women bi*c lh and a sl*t, is just showing his class. Yucks! I wld never engage with a man who talks to me this way. Even if there are fights n arguments, there is a line of tespect which shld never be crossed!
Horrible, low class guy! U dont need such rubbish in your life. Value yourself and do not allow any man to treat you like this.
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