This topic contains 27 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Hdh 3 weeks, 4 days ago.
May 19, 2019 at 9:00 pm #750456
I have been dating this guy for 6 months, he is highly educated, has a decent job, very polite and OK looking. He offers to pay for our dates, but he keeps talking about money ALL THE FREAKING TIMES. Everything is about money, money and money. What the heck is going with men nowadays? He is making more than 150K, no ex wife or child support, but the money topic never leaves his lips. He has a nice car, but takes the bus everywhere, should I just get rid of him?May 19, 2019 at 9:19 pm #750457
You should marry him at once! He clearly knows the value of money. He on-the-other-hand should not marry you.
“Look after the pounds(£££) and the ten pounds will look after themselves”.May 19, 2019 at 9:39 pm #750461
How is he cheap?May 19, 2019 at 9:47 pm #750462
He gets the bus. I am even cheaper than that. I walk just about everywhere.May 19, 2019 at 9:49 pm #750463
Lynise I don’t want to be rude but you do come across as being overly interested in his money. If he gets the slightest whiff of that he’ll be gone in an instant.May 19, 2019 at 10:29 pm #750467
What do you want to talk about? I personally prefer a man who understands how important it is to plan for the future, budget etc. if you don’t appreciate that or it doesn’t align with your way of thinking then move on. You obviously don’t love him if you are so quick to want to dump him.May 19, 2019 at 10:50 pm #750468
T from NY
I agree this is a concern. And I think it’s okay to ask yourself — at any point in a relationship — if the person you’re with is someone in which you’d want to continue. Of course it’s great he’s responsible — but life is about SO much more than the pursuit of money.
You haven’t said how he talks about money all the time though. This can give you lots of information.. For instance does he make you feel bad about paying for everything? Because that is manipulative to do a good deed for someone, then make them feel guilty. This would only get worse over time. If not that — does he talk about it in terms of he just wants more and more, or wants to know the secret to making more? This could mean his values lie in external things and he may struggle to be happy. Does he talk about it in terms of being worried that he doesn’t have enough, won’t make enough to meet a goal or that he may lose it somehow. This could be a sign of anxiety or OCD and money is where he puts all that anxious energy.
End of the day — maybe he is just ambitious and career driven and you care less for those things. Maybe you feel more peaceful internally and feel that no matter what — things have a way of working out. You may just not be compatible. Trust this — he will not significantly change. We date to let men show us who they are, then we decide if we want to be with them. If all his other positive attributes are not overriding this bad habit he has — it does not sound like love, and possibly he is not the guy for you. Go get quiet. You’ll figure it out.May 19, 2019 at 11:05 pm #750469
Having come from a relationship where the man I married was completely careless with money and planning for the future, be careful what you wish for. You’ll end up always worrying about money and anxious about whether or not you’ll ever be able to retire and who wants to work until they die?
I agree you don’t give many details at all regarding what bothers you so it’s difficult to give real advice without knowing exactly what he does that bothers you.
I know lots of people who have great cars who take a train to work, for example. They do it because the car insurance is cheaper and paying 350 a month to park downtown is crazy! So at the end of the day taking a train cuts on gas cost, parking cost and insurance. An all around sensible thing to do.
Examples would help to determine if he is being reasonable or you are being unreasonable.May 20, 2019 at 12:46 am #750472
I don’t care about his money, I have a good paying job, paying for myself is not a big deal.
He keeps saying that our dinners were not worth the price, come on $50 – $80 dinners, they weren’t that expensive for someone who is making more than $150K. I even offered to pay for myself so I didn’t have to listen to his whining about money. I told him to pick the restaurant, but he never did, he likes me to tell him where to go and where to eat, but always complains that I have expensive taste. When I got him a gift, his face lighted up like a little kid just got a B-day present however, two seconds later he would tell me that I was wasting money.
This summer I have plans to travel with my friends, he keeps telling me to cancel it because it costs too much. HECK it, I’m playing for my own trip, why he has to be bitchy about it? His idea of a romantic date is to sit at a coffee shop and talk talk and talk.May 20, 2019 at 2:17 am #750473
If your so miserable than who’s the one with the problem? I don’t know why you need strangers in the internet to change your mind or validate how much you don’t like him. This is a perfect example of a woman who clings on to a man just to have one.
By the way 150 k isn’t that much money after taxes and depending what part of the country you live in. Just because you make decent money doesn’t mean you should blow it all. It’s his money and if he chooses to be frugal that’s his option. If you choose to spend your money a certain way that is up to you. Guess what? You aren’t compatible and that’s what dating is about. To see if you are a goos match. You aren’t.May 20, 2019 at 3:15 am #750474
It sounds like you have different values. I earn a healthy salary but use public transport because I care about the environment and it’s less stressful than the drive, so without knowing his reasons I don’t think using the bus makes him cheap.
My ex became obsessed with money and earning more and more – it was about his self esteem, his values (man as provider).
Your chap sounds like he’s frugal and thinks you’re profligate. You’re probably just not compatible.May 20, 2019 at 5:02 am #750477
It can be pretty irritating if he constantly harps about money. I have a school friend who does that. no matter what he talks about he equates everything with money. the parties he attends, the restaurants he visits, shopping for clothes, stuff, his holidays, his children’s education, and on and on. if he goes for a wedding or a party, he will discuss how lavish, the amounts spent, which hotels they were put up etc. its never ending. and if we ever visit a restaurant, he will never let me pay ofcourse but he only goes to those places which have deals, discounts etc. and for my bday he gave a used mens duplicate perfume! how cheap. but hes just a friend so yeah I do call him out when he starts talking about money. I think you should talk to him about it. but in a nice way.May 20, 2019 at 8:09 am #750480
I went out with a guy like this. He had tons of money yet the price of everything was a concern. He wasn’t cheap as such and always paid on dates but his attitude to money held him back because he didn’t like spending it. He always gave me a hard time for not earning more. It would have been a drop in the ocean anyway. Growing up in a poor family as one of 7 he always had the scarcity mindset. It’s really hard to deal with and they never change. Tell him to change the subject when he starts going on about money and see if that works. I think these guys make poor bfs and husbands tbh. XMay 20, 2019 at 8:37 am #750486
My ex was that way. He got it from his parents who were a never ending complaint machine about the costs of things. They’d go out to pricey places and complain about how much it cost, but then also go back there again. They had plenty of money.
It’s not about being cheap, but the inability to enjoy things. I’d tell him that his complaining about this stuff impacts your enjoyment- because you are right, nothing is worse than treating someone, then hearing a complaint. Or enjoying a nice dinner, then hearing a complaint.
Maybe you could set a budget, and make a promise that if you are sticking to the budget, he is not allowed to complain about the costs or value. Say, the budget for gifts is $100 or you have $500 budget for dining out every month.
It is a good trait to be aware of spending, but negativity gets old.May 20, 2019 at 10:53 am #750507
To me it sounds like you’ve found an area where the two of you just aren’t compatible. I’ve found that when I’m dating a guy I can pretty much ignore annoying little habits until the 3-4 month mark, then those habits get to a point where they become a constant annoyance. Once I realize I am getting annoyed all the time and not enjoying my time with him anymore I realize it’s over. Actually the way you describe him and said he’s “OK looking” makes me think you really aren’t very into this guy to start with.
Personally I don’t think $50 is a very expensive meal for 2 people. Granted my husband and I will eat out sometimes and spend $60- $80 on a meal and agree we could have made something better at home for $20! But that’s usually a conversation if the food isn’t very good. However the bigger issue here to me would be the fact he’s telling you to cancel your summer travel plans with your friends!! This is your money, your life, and if you’ve been saving up all year for a summer vacation with your friends, who is he to tell you to cancel?!?!? Once he starts telling you what to do and how to spend YOUR MONEY when he’s not a fiancé then it sounds like he has control issues too. I think this relationship has run its course for you.May 20, 2019 at 10:54 am #750508
I was married to someone like this. It gets really old. I divorced him. I don’t date anyone who’s obsessed with money in any way. I worked to get a healthy relationship with money and I want a man who is the same. If I were you I’d drop him. It’s insulting to be told you aren’t worth taking out for a nice dinner.May 20, 2019 at 11:52 am #750522
I understand money is important, but if everything has to evolve around money then what is the purpose of living? It not like I was telling him to buy me expensive stuff. All I am asking is to stop all the money talks from him. Yes, I already talked to him, but he keeps refusing to understand.May 20, 2019 at 2:05 pm #750544
Well, then if you want to enjoy your life while spending money, and don’t want to hear about it from him, you need to go enjoy life without him. Simple as that. You dated, found an incompatibility you don’t want to live with, so it’s time to move on, because he probably won’t change.May 20, 2019 at 2:20 pm #750545
I understand this perfectly. You want him to live a little. Enjoy the fine things in life once in a while. Some people actually work just to spend big. And some people work to get by. And some will save,save and save until they die and that money goes to someone else.
If you BOTH work, I dont see how enjoying something pricey is an issue. Everybody can pinch in and make it happen. It’s about the experience you get from it that counts. If he has a car and takes the bus to work then why is he paying insurance and road tax for something he doesn’t use? This is how he is wasting his money and not seeing it.
Anyway in the long term you wont be able to see eye to eye for any future decisions. You have to be very compatible with someone concerning money in a marriage even more so when kids come in the mix. You can’t change this or to get him to understand next thing you know he’ll be calling you a gold digger. Time to move on.May 20, 2019 at 3:24 pm #750556
I earn a good salary. I drive an old car. I biy beautifull bit cheap clothes. Etc. I agree with him. Some things arent worth spending money on. Why pay 5 times as much for a jean with a label if a regular fits just as nice. Or 5 times as much for a fancy restaurant when the local.pub’s food is much more satisfying. And then there is things worth spending money on. Lke healthcare, property, retirement. I personally fully agree with your bf. However, other people dont see it the same. They want to live. Neither is really wrong. But your partner has to have similar views to you. Money is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. So either next tine suggest a nice local pub and see if he prefers it. Or find someone who doesnt mind spending 5 times more on dinnerMay 20, 2019 at 11:57 pm #750598
@ Hs its not about being prudent with money. its about being money obsessed. if you always buy expensive things and keep spending on restaurants and outings then it makes sense to curb things. but if you want to enjoy life and live in moderation then whats the big deal? and I can relate to what the OP is saying. she’s not talking about spending a load, just that the man keeps talking about every thing in terms of money. just like the friend I talk about. hes not a bad person per se. but it gets so exhausting and annoying after some time. I don’t want to hang around with him regularly bec he keeps talking about only money. everything is equated with money. and cost of this and cost of that. so one dimensional. everyone should keep a check on their spending and live a balanced life. but that doesn’t mean you have to keep talking about it constantly. The OP should reconsider this relation. do you think you can handle this all your life?May 21, 2019 at 12:12 am #750601
To me it sounds like he speaks about value. This dinner wasnt worth the cost. I’m exactly the same. I will not pay 5 times as much at a fancy dinner if the local pubs food is more satisfying. He pronably keeps bringing it up because he understands that its a major incompatibillity, and he iss trying to get her to see his point of view. But she’s missing the point completelyMay 21, 2019 at 12:19 am #750602
I don’t care about his money, like I said, I am not a high maintenance person. I hardly spend on makeup or anything that makes me look more attractive. My job is paying really good, I have my own house and car. Is not like I cannot support myself. His constant yapping about money is very concerning to me. When I tried to tip the waitress 20%, he told me it was too much and I shouldn’t tip more than 10%. I reminded him that I was a waitress when I was in college and as a waitress you relying on tips. Not to mention that you have to deal with crazy customers in most days. He then started telling me that restaurants should increase wages so we don’t have to tip.May 21, 2019 at 12:32 am #750603
Why are you debating total strangers when your mind is already made up that you don’t Ike him? No one here cares or is dating him. If this is such a hardship let the guy go! This is the perfect example of where a woman knows the guy isn’t a good fit but instead of leaving she sits around complaining and trying to change or mold him to her needs. Why you keept on 6 months makes no sense since you obviously resent and dislike him that much.
I actually agree with him about the waitress comment. It’s ok to top but if a waitress makes most her money off tips because the restaurant won’t
Pay more than minimum wage it is not very fair. Especially for people who don’t have a lot of money. An 80 dollar meal means a 16 dollar tip! That isn’t chump change. I still tip well but agree with his observation. Besides 20 percent or more is for excellent service not mediocre. That could have been your point of conversation instead of saying the waitresses must get larger tips to live on.
One consideration is not that he’s cheap per se but that he may have grown up poor and with nothing. I find people who are like this tend to value their earnings more than people who never had to go without.May 21, 2019 at 5:28 am #750629
he is not a bad guy per se. maybe over prudent but that could be because of his circumstance in the past. so I can understand why your on this forum about his this habit to get opinions.
Constant nagging about how to spend, how much to spend, where to spend and on whom, can be a drain. the fact that you mentioned this incident is because it annoyed you. u lead a comfortable life and you don’t nit pick. but if he is going to try and change the way u do things, it will only get more irritating. the only reason you pay so much as tip is bec she reminds you of you. and this is your way to probably help her and you do because u are now in a position to help.
I used to date this guy. I earned more than him and tbh I dint really care about too much tipping. but he did. yet he never told me about the fact that I tip less and neither did I nag him about him tipping too much. its just a feeling some people have. I am no longer with this guy but now if I get gud service I do make it a point to tip well. I am more considerate and thoughtful because of this guy I spent time with.
I think you need to think about this. if you think over time you can learn to overlook this aspect and that other things between you guys is great, then stick around with him. relationships anyways involves adjustments and compromises on both sides.