Chatting with his ex


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This topic contains 58 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sonny 3 months ago.

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  • #743767 Reply

    Sonny

    Hi. My boyfriend of five months has always said he wanted to maintain a friendship with his ex prior to me. They had split around May last year, were friends before for several years and together for three with a short break in between. They lived together so he stayed on as a lodger till around 6 months ago apparently they remained friends and as neither had a partner on the scene at the time they did things together still.

    He moved out and met me. They still had daily text contact and he toned it right down as he knew he had to concentrate on us. She confessed she found it hard that he’s moved on, and perused more contact. It all created problems and I feel that ex’s should stay in the past, especially given that actually they had only not lived together six months and still it felt couply pictures on fb etc for them whilst he lodged.

    We’ve talked and I’ve been clear that a deal breaker for me is contact with an ex. He said he’d keep it polite if she contacts and will keep to minimum but what he’d like is for that friendship to come back at some point, and when we discussed it he said occasional texts of how are you doing, and if we bump into each other then it won’t feel awkward and we can chat and catch up.

    I then find this week that there has over the past couple of weeks text chatting with lots of exclamation marks and smiling faces and holiness, and he’s also suggested they meet up and he’s initiating contact too

    I feel utterly betrayed and hurt. I feel he’s chosen her over me as being more important and I finished it. He said he still feels there’s room to resolve things but respects if I don’t. I don’t know what to do or think. It’s an utter deal breaker for me- I feel this whole thing a threat and that he did it against what we’d agreed too leaves me feeling hurt.

    What possible outcome could there be now? He clearly won’t give up contact with her and I can’t possibly sit with the anxiety it provokes and that I will have to compromise on it to stay with him

    #743771 Reply

    Still fat ugly and a smoker

    If she respects his decision to move on and he chose you then there is nothing to worry about. There are some women out there who understand it wouldn’t work out as far as a romantic relationship is concerned and turn the bond into something more like a sister.

    #743772 Reply

    Still fat ugly and a smoker

    If a man is taken, to me, he has no penis so there’s no desire to pursue in that way. I’d just wanna borrow his mind from time to time.

    #743773 Reply

    Sisi

    They still love each other … sorry

    #743775 Reply

    Newbie

    I never give exes much thought for two reasons: they have chosen to split up and if they change their minds its out of my control. I focus on the relatationship itself and hive it time to develop. If all goes well, that bond becomes stronger and secure. Exes tend to blur away if they were somewhere on the scene. When youre a few months in, you dont have much to compete with compared to a few years of friendship. So i will never enforce rules about exes. I like it to evolve naturally and if its not meant to be, it wont get off the ground anyway.
    Clearly you have a different view and now youre in the position you have to stick to your dealbreakers. Im not saying youre wrong but why were you so threatened early on?

    #743776 Reply

    Becky

    I think if you said it’s a deal breaker and he knows this and is still pursuing a relationship with his ex, he’s not over his ex and I would end it. There’s nothing you did wrong or can do about this.

    #743777 Reply

    Sonny

    Newbie- daily contact with an ex feels too intimate to me for ex’s even if they proclaim to be friends. Ten she got upset because he didn’t answer all her texts and then she made her statement regarding finding it hard knowing he’s with someone else. I feel he just didn’t get with with the program that this wasn’t just a friendship. And as you say- many years of friendship and relationship between them with me just being a five minute girl at that point.

    I don’t feel he respected our discussion with his actions. It feels that he put wanting contact wth her above our relationship and that I don’t believe is ever right.

    #743779 Reply

    Crisula

    You nailed it Sonny

    He respects that you stood by your boundaries

    Let her have him. He’s not a man..he’s weak in that he allows to be controlled by his ex.

    Still hurts, but you’ll be grateful for your strength in the end.

    #743780 Reply

    Crisula

    allows **himself**

    #743783 Reply

    Sisi

    A man won’t let a woman to “control” him unless he loves her… when he loves her, then she has all sort of power over him…

    This is not a case of him being “weak”… this is a case of mutual feeling between him and his ex…

    He might need to be dumped a couple of times to realize he need to make a decision / choice

    #743785 Reply

    Newbie

    Let me be clear here. Im not saying youre wrong, im only providing an alternative way of viewing things. If you start telling a guy he needs to stop contacting his ex you are basically saying: youre insecure, you dont trust him and youre controlling. Those are all negative treats for a guy early in the dating proces that can have an impact later on. Have you even asked him why he likes to stay on contact with his ex and whats so important to him about it? That would have given you insight in the relationship and him as a person. And about their break up. That could have brought you closer.
    What you want is a guy that choses for himself to cut contact.
    But anyway, if he now started up texting her again and asking to meet, then he probably is missing her and want her back.

    #743792 Reply

    Zoe

    Sonny! This guy is not controlled by this girl. He CHOSE to disrespect you because he loves her more than you. He stepped over the boundaries you set, he knew you wouldn’t like it and he still did it because he doesn’t care enough for you. Let this one go. You are in pain right now because of what HE DID to you. When people don’t respect boundaries you need to let them go because it will only be worse. After a few months you will be so much happier with yourself that you did it. Block him and start healing and dating other men

    #743795 Reply

    Crisula

    Speaking as a woman who has been married 22 years and has 4 sons

    As far as I’m concerned he’s both weak AND selfish.

    Weakness for not standing up for his GF, (even though he knows his friendship with the ex is hurting her), because he’s allowing his ex to control the show.

    Selfish, because he should have told his ex in the BEGINNING “Ain’t gonna happen with cutting off the ex”

    Weak AND selfish, because he continued to contact the ex and speak to her more frequently, and hides it from his GF because he’s too weak to be open with her and selfishly decides to string her along, while talking to the ex behind her back

    So Sisi, let’s agree to disagree

    #743796 Reply

    Crisula

    and if he wanted to be with his ex, because she sure wants to be with him
    they would be together..yes?

    He’s being made to feel guilty or obligated..who knows? Who cares.

    But this ex IS pulling his strings, manipulating and controlling the show.

    “She confessed she found it hard that he’s moved on, and perused more contact.”
    That’s not controlling the show?

    #743801 Reply

    Sonny

    Thanks ladies. I don’t like at all that he’s inverses his contact and the let’s meet up comment absolutely a no no. I actually asked as he always tells, but I have to ask regarding contact- and I didn’t feel comfortable at all so asked to see their recent texts. He said I wouldn’t like them but showed me, that’s where I found out about the initiating of texts and the let’s meet up to catch up

    We have agreed to meet to discuss this coming week, he’s said he’s so sorry he’s hurt me etc so I will meet with him, but unless he says what a huge mess up he made over the past couple of weeks and he isn’t prepared for our relationship to end for the sake of this ‘friendship ‘ so he’ll do what he originally said he’d do which is to respond politely if she texts, not allow it to be much and nothing else then I’ll be sticking with my choice, as painful as it is, because to me he won’t be choosing me or our relationship

    #743807 Reply

    Zoe

    Sonny, if you decide to stay with him you will regret it later.

    #743816 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah i dont see the pont of talking either. He sent a few texts. To a friend, you asked him to give you his phone . He did. I ask again: why is he so attached to his former gf. You asked him? Because you are gonna break up over some texts to a friend

    #743818 Reply

    Newbie

    He wasnt cheating, he told you she was a friend, my god give guys a break

    #743820 Reply

    Raven

    Don’t have deal breakers unless you’re going to follow them… With that said- make sure your deal breakers aren’t impossible.

    With that said, he’s initiating with his ex & You should walk.

    #743843 Reply

    Sonny

    The problem is he has been adamant from the beginning that they are friends and had months of close friendship till I came along, and he truly sees no wrong in that not continuing but maybe to a lesser degree. That is his firm belief so I have little to work with

    #743857 Reply

    Dodie

    Newbie, I don’t know why you’re second guessing her choices. You keep saying it was a couple of texts. If you read her posts, it’s not just a couple of texts. It’s daily all day contact with the boyfriend now asking the ex to meet up with him.

    Just a couple of texts…not worth getting upset over.

    But constant texting back and forth with the ex saying she misses him and then the boyfriend asking her to meet up with him?

    They’re getting back together. That is not in the OP’s head. And if you read what the OP said, she told him it was okay to exchange texts with her once in a while. But that the level of contact of texting everyday and all day and now asking her to meet up…again, that’s the two of them working things out to get back together. If he’s not out right cheating already.

    #743859 Reply

    Dodie

    And PS: “I’m sorry I hurt you,” sounds like an admission of guilt to me and agreeing that the breakup is the right thing to do, not like he’s going to try to talk her out of it. Usually when a man feels he’s being broken up over an unfair reason he’s not apologizing. That sounds like an acknowledgement that he strung you along while getting back with his ex.

    #743867 Reply

    Newbie

    Im not sure exactly why im second guessing it. I guess for one reason Sonny was hoping he was her bf and maybe long term partner. The bf and the ex gave each other a serious shot. They were together for 3 years and knew each other for 3 years before that. They broke up last year in may and since then they never tried again up until when he moved out. So for some reason he and the ex gf feel strong about being in each others lives. As the new gf (being 4 months in) i would have liked to know why. I would also gave asked why they are not still together if they ‘need’ each other that much. To me having insight In that background shows me more than a guy who texts to his ex how she is doing and to catch up. If you treat the ex like an enemy early on, you get no real insight in the why plus he probably gets to hide more.
    So Yeah maybe i picked the wrong perspective here but its really not clear to me he wants to be with his ex. He didnt even have to leave. So maybe he is having some guilt trip over the ex? But only Sonny can know if she asked.
    Or he likes her attention but is afraid to commit? And lead her along until the day he couldnt? What if the latter is the case and he promises to cut her off and continue with the relationship. You will become the ex. So my reason to go against enforcing is: gather Intel about the guy instead and make a note of them

    #743875 Reply

    Lane

    He has not fully detached from his EX GIRLFRIEND—let’s call the spade a spade.

    He is torn as they have a lot of history together so it’s not something he can just unmesh from and pretend she no longer exists when she has been a big part of life for a long time. It’s no different than a couple going through a divorce and although they may still have love each other even though they aren’t ‘in love’ like they once were, they struggle with cutting the the cord as its an internal game of “tug-o-war” where they think they are ready to proceed with another but haven’t fully gotten there yet.

    I would back out at this point. He still NEEDS her in his life and if you can’t handle their closeness then its best for you to move on because he’s sitting on the fence; unable to take a stance because he’s not fully ready to take it yet.

    #743876 Reply

    Louise

    I have an ex who is my dearest man-friend, and we were together long before the era of being on your phone all day long. We certainly called each other loads in the months after our break up, and he’s still my dear friend now and we broke up in 1997.

    His girlfriends immediately after me weren’t overly delighted, but these days it’s fine as enough time has passed to make me non-threatening.

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