Can I help without it being weird?


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This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Elle 2 months ago.

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  • #732664 Reply

    Louise

    Been in an exclusive FWB for 7 months now. Our life situations are really different – but the one pertinent to this is that I’m very comfortably off from a mixture of career success and inheritance; he’s working multiple jobs and struggling. He had just got to an even keel after an expensive divorce and then his sister got engaged and he’ll be paying for the wedding because their father has passed and that’s how it works in his culture.

    He is incredibly stressed, he’s opened up to me about how desperate he feels, and men don’t admit financial troubles easily. I’ve sent him some options for more lucrative work than what he’s doing which he appreciated. Beyond that, I don’t feel there’s anything I can do, without it being weird, but I feel really uncomfortable about the disparity between our situations, and on a human level he’s a good guy who just needs a break.

    Is there anything I’ve not thought of I can do?

    #732669 Reply

    Bobby jo

    Well, it’s a no strings FWB, should you even care when all you’re doing is having sex? It’s not like you’re in love. You have no real ties or responsibility to him. Just be there for moral support.

    #732670 Reply

    Better off single

    I don’t feel there is anything I can do, without it being weird, but I feel really uncomfortable about the disparity between our situations, and on a human level he’s a good guy who just needs a break.

    On a human level you have compassion. It’s okay to have it and also do something about it.

    If you want to help him financially like giving a gift of a certain amount for Christmas because “gosh, I just didn’t know what to get you.” it wouldn’t be weird because it’s a Christmas gift. You can wrap it and everything.

    #732815 Reply

    Louise

    Better Off Single – maybe it’s because I’m an awkward Brit I’d find that uncomfortable.

    We had a joke and I bought him a lottery ticket. Low effort, no grand gesture, but you never know, haha.

    #732818 Reply

    Nathalie

    Is finance also a benefit from your arrangement or just sex? Smh.

    If you want to help him with money this is your choice and it isn’t weird. It’s stupid but it’s not weird.

    #732841 Reply

    Chance

    That would just make you a sugar mama. Why would you financially help a man who isn’t interested in you enough to make you his girlfriend? You have him a lot higher on the total pole than he does you. But do what you want. Not like it can hurt anything. Except if he has more money he might then go out and get a proper girlfriend which would make you feel pretty crappy that you gave him money and he left you for someone better.

    #732842 Reply

    Andrea

    Being that it’s just a FWB, it’s odd that he’d even discuss his finances in the first place. It’s almost as if he’s hoping you’ll be foolish enough to offer your resources…

    #732869 Reply

    Louise

    I think it’s interesting that people assume the ‘f’ in fwb is moot? He confides in me because we’re friends.

    I’m not going to give him cash, that’d be weird with someone I’ve known for years, never mind months. Hence asking the question as to whether there’s a non-weird way to help someone I spend time with.

    #732870 Reply

    anon

    I think that forwarding jobs their way and helping them network is fine, provided you know them well enough to not worry about your reputation. I hooked up with a guy and subsequently helped him professionally and he provided me a reference. I don’t think its weird to help people professionally if they are people who’s skills you believe in.

    #732871 Reply

    blu

    “I’ve sent him some options for more lucrative work than what he’s doing which he appreciated”

    Maybe he doesn’t want another job?
    Why don’t you just ask him. Sometimes people just like to complain and not do anything about it.

    He has to make changes himself, including budget planning, maybe looking at ways to reduce current expenses, consolidate debt to decrease interest and payments, visit with a financial planner who can go thru what his intake and output of money is and can guide him on how to maximize his income.

    If you aren’t giving money, and just want to give advice, those are your options.
    You don’t indicate why he is so strapped and in need of multiple jobs and so much money.

    If you are so well off, do you have an extra residence he could move into and cut his rent expenses?

    I have money issues myself right now and all you can do is assess where you are, what you have to spend, and how you can or cannot do it. If he has no money for a wedding or can’t afford the loan, why isn’t he talking to family about this and coming up with alternative solutions? Doesn’t matter if it’s custom for him to pay. If he has no money, where is he supposed to pull the money from? His as$?

    #732873 Reply

    blu

    I think it is appropriate to question the ‘friend’ label. Many woman get taken advantage of big time by men because they tend to want to fix them. You won’t be the first or last woman to do this. And some men are actually quite could at getting you to do this.

    I had a really bad experience years ago that started off like yours. Except when I offered a temp loan, he suggested rather it be an investment in a project he was working on. He insisted he didn’t want to take my money or be obligated to a loan and it would be better for me.

    Well… I’m sure I don’t have to tell you the rest of the story.

    I did it because I was way better off financially from this man and felt sorry for him. I learned my lesson never to help out a man again who isn’t your husband.

    And I concur with Anon. I would not give a reference to a job for a man unless I was completely confident it wouldn’t come back to haunt me because he was a really bad risk.

    These are things to stay out of really. Men can take care of themselves and don’t value you more when you try to help them. Especially if their original game is to get you to help them.

    #732878 Reply

    Elle

    Hi Louise,

    My FWB arrangement recently stopped because he’s finally ready for a serious relationship since he met a girl. The ‘f’ in FWB does indeed stand for friends. Even though we stopped being FWB we’re still kinda friends. We even discuss how it’s going between him and this girl now and I keep telling him all about my awkward tinder experiences, which I already did when we were FWB.

    So I don’t think it’s weird for you two to have this converstation about his finances. But I do also think you’re practically doing everything you can. Good luck though!

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