Broken Down, Defeated, and on the Edge of a Breakdown

I’m posting just for some support. In the last couple years, I put on this amazing front that my life was going great, but in reality deep down I was hiding how I really felt, which was lonely, defeated, and broken.

I want to fix this and get better. To preface, I am reaching out to a counselor I saw years ago in order to set up some appointments, but its going to take some time to get in there, and I thought maybe I could get some support/advice here since I am having a really rough day.

In the last few years, I’ve also gained as much as 50 pounds, because I think I have been emotional eating. I did not realize until recently how eating has been me eating my issues and trying to cope that way. I want to change and be better, but I have so much emotional baggage.

My main issues are:

For over 4 years, I worked at the same place. The last two years of those four were hell on earth for me. I was beaten down, paranoid, stressed, my hair was falling out. I would cry a lot over the office. The environment was toxic and I was essentially pushed out due to some favoritism and office dynamics. I was accused of things I didn’t do and one worked in particular- who started at my year two was an evil woman who made my life miserable. My boss and her were best friends/maybe more. It was uncomfortable and overall just unhealthy. The whole quality of service went downhill, and if we didn’t bow down to her and him, but her, then we were shunned and treated horribly. She had rank under everyone else, but our boss let her control us and tell us what to do and she was a snobby know it all about it. I had no respect for him nor her with the way they acted

When I realized I was being pushed out, I found another job.

My job now – been there for a year now- is amazing. Everyone is so respectful and fair. I have respect for everyone and they respect me. They value me highly for my skill set and I feel I am making a difference. I am happy there everyday.

What still haunts me is what happened to me previously. I will be sitting at my desk at my current good job, and almost start having an anxiety attack thinking of what happened previously over a year ago. I have a sense of paranoia that it is happening again and I am being talked about unfairly and unjustly behind my back. I have so much anxiety that the same scenario will play out. I have nightmares about what happened. I have a hard time falling asleep most nights thinking about how badly I was treated, spoken to, and pushed out. It causes me such anxiety. I have tried to let it go. I want to move on. My job now is good, but it haunts me almost daily. I don’t know what to do about this. I feel like a failure, like if I had done better or bowed down to the queen, maybe I could have made it longer there, but a past colleague of mine who still works there now assures me it wasn’t my fault and the whole office system is corrupted. She feels the same as me. She is still going through it now herself. That helps, but I still have such emotional distress over it. Someone mentioned I may have PTSD. I never really thought of that in the context of a workplace, but maybe I do.

2. The second thing that is really just plaguing my life is my dating experiences. I have had so much failure with love in the last two years, its finally broke me down so badly, I feel like an unlovable, needy, failure.

That no one will ever want me and I am too difficult to be with. When I am with someone, I try to do everything right. I cook dinners, I want to see them regularly, do life with them, but I never get that in return. I met a guy online a year ago. We hit it off, as we had similar values passed down from our families. He couldn’t see me often, due to his job. I mentioned it at times to him, because I felt he just wasn’t trying hard enough to spend time with me. I loved him, drove the 45 minutes to see him often just so we had the time. He told his family about me. And I told mine about him. We were in a serious relationship. We exchanged Christmas gifts and had a celebratory weekend before we both went home to see our families. I didn’t know that was the last time I’d see him. We had been together for about 6 months. I thought things were fine, but when he returned home from the holidays, he was in this mindset that he was dead set on eventually moving home near his family to live, across the country. I expressed to him, I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. He ghosted me after that. I didn’t see it coming. His job was here, so he wasn’t packing up anytime soon, and if that time came, we could discuss it together.

I see on social media within a month, he has a new girlfriend. They are serious, he takes her home to see family, they do tons together. Not like with me. I am still so broken over this. Why did I deserve this? Why wasn’t I good enough?

He met someone better.

Another guy I was dating, things were going well. He did tell me he had to go across the country for a few months for work, but would be back when his work brought him back to home base. I was fine with it. I go on vacation with my family. We speak the whole time through text and phone. When I come back, he ghosts me, never speaks to me again. He had taken me out many time and taken me to parties with his friends to see I was his girl, then to ghost me. I see he goes to Florida soon after that, and has a new girlfriend down there. Again, I’m not worth it, important, or memorable. It makes me feel so horrible.

Was then dating a teacher. We hit it off really well too. Went on the most fun dates and did things together where it seemed so naturally good. He tells me he is spending the weekend moving into a new apartment. He ghosts me after that. I tried reaching out, and never heard anything again. I was an insignificant pawn. Worthless. I feel so broken and unworthy or men.

After these occurrences, I was so down, I started dating this new guy. He had so many issues- medical, addictions, mental. But I felt that was what I could get and keep. He stuck around, wanted to be with me. But his issues were so severe they were ruining my life. I stuck with it thinking I could change it or that this is what I was worth or deserved, until finally I felt even unsafe with him around, and broke things off.

This made me feel even worse about myself. He was such a bad guy that was ruining my life and home. Why did I ever date someone like that? I’m such an idiot.

I now feel like maybe I expect too much, Guys don’t want me. I just want to meet someone stable, with a good job, who wants to spend time with me, do fun things, enjoy life together, support each other. I offer a lot, I think. Or others tell me I do. I’m really sweet, nice, caring, smart, pretty. I have a great job. Great family. People at work joke that if they had sons, they’d be setting me up, because I’m so mature and put together. I’m almost 28 years old.

My friends all have serious relationships. Some are getting married, talking marriage, living together. I want that, and I don’t everything alone. I live two hours from my family. I live alone. I have a dog for company. It helps. But I feel lonely a lot.

My friends are always busy with their boyfriends or want to do couples activities, and I’m not a couple.

All my cousins, all around my age are getting married next year. All three of them. They all own homes and live with their significant others.

I am saving for a home. A home I’ll be buying and moving into myself. Alone.

It’s painful.

The most recent guy I dated was fantastic at first. We spoke every night on the phone. I met his family and he met mine. He wanted to settle and have a family, as he stated to me. Things seemed awesome for a couple months. Then, he got distant. He didn’t seem himself. The phone calls slowly stopped. I felt broken. I didn’t see him for a week, then two, then three. I kept calling him out. Hating being used. He claimed it wasn’t me. Promised it wasn’t me. He told me he was so depressed he didn’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone. He went to work and came home and was depressed. Part of me believes him, part of me thinks I’ll soon see him on social media with a girlfriend. He slowly stopped talking to me in his deep depression. I promoted he seek help and he says he will. But he was in a bad place allegedly.

Alas, I am alone again, someone didn’t want me.

I’ve literally had guys tells me I’d make an ideal wife. I’m kind, considerate, helpful, smart, loving. I have a huge heart. I listen and care.

But no one really wants that.

It hurts so bad. Guys leave me and find other girls whom they love more. Leave me alone in the dust, most time by ghosting. I am not even worth an actual breakup.

It makes me feel so bad.

I feel so broken and alone. I have given up on online dating, since this has happened so much. Hoping to meet someone in person, but I rarely go out, no one to go with, and I work with all older people. Even recently, a guy reached out to me on facebook, a friend of a friend and wanted to chat. I was almost mean to him saying I didn’t want to talk or get to know him or be his friend.

I’m so sick of hurt and disappointment and pain. I can’t fathom meeting anyone right now. I don’t have any trust in my heart anymore. I figure every man is bad, will leave, will hurt me.

It feels hopeless and impossible.

I did reach out to an old counselor of mine for help. I don’t need it immediately but I want it. She cannot get me in for a while. Thats ok. I just feel so down on myself.

Any help/advice on how to handle these feelings? Change my life?