This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by anon 3 weeks, 6 days ago.
August 18, 2019 at 5:18 am #760517
Please don’t judge me but I have had a relationship with a man who lives with another woman. It’s been a few years now and I truly believe we love each other. We spend time together every day and do lots of things together. He calls and tells me he loves me every day. Just recently I have been struggling more than ever with our situation. I told him how I was feeling and that I’m not sure I can carry on the way we are. He was upset and looked devastated. The thing is though is that he just begged me to stay friends and said he will do anything to keep me in his life and if all I can offer him is friendship he will take that rather than lose me. I was hoping for more as he says he is in love with me and his relationship at home is more a reliable, security situation. My question is, should I try and be friends with him when I love him so much as I can’t bear the thought of not having him in my life ? Please be kind, all the things you may want to say to me I have already said to myself. I am genuinely heartbroken xxAugust 18, 2019 at 7:10 am #760521
No! You need to move on and wont be able to if you stay “friends”. He is feeding you BS, dont buy into it! If he loved you he would be with you. The line about his relationship being for reliability/security, please! What he means is he wants to have his cake and eat it too. A stable home life and some fun and games on the side. Oh and he only wants to stay friends because he knows how much you are into him and how easy it will be for him to drag you back into a full on affair. Cut him off, block him and find someone available who actually loves you! All the bestAugust 18, 2019 at 8:04 am #760523
“Oh and he only wants to stay friends because he knows how much you are into him and how easy it will be for him to drag you back into a full on affair.”
This. The situation he has for himself must feel like a drug, and so it makes sense why he’s bargaining to be just friends. You gain nothing from being his friend. Time to be selfish and do something for yourself which would be to leave him.August 18, 2019 at 3:36 pm #760571
You would be a fool to continue with status as “friends”. I went thru exactly the same situation with a married man for 2 yrs. I am a single woman with a child.
He is enjoying this set up very much. Security and some fun on the side. How can you even respect him for cheating on his primary relationship? Frankly this guy would cheat on you (if he isn’t already doing so) without the blink of an eye.
This is not true love between the two of you. He’s using you. He may genuinely care about you on some level but you are only getting a small fraction of him and his time. It means you are not his priority.
If he truly loved you the way you deserve to be loved, he would not be living with another woman. This man is weak. Yes I know we all have flaws but he is seriously deceiving his woman at home by sneaking around. You are helping him feel better about cheating by putting up with it.
I learned some hard lessons about my own self esteem. I had none! Yet all the while I felt I “loved” him at a soul mate level. On the other hand I was constantly miserable over his lack of effort and time for me. Excuses galore about why he was always very busy.
I finally woke up. It was all a fantasy and he never wanted to leave his family. I wasted 2 yrs of my life.
Dont be friends in any manner. It tells him you have low standards and you will be on “standby” for him until the end of time. And all for what? What will you get out of it but some ccrumbs of attention when can “get away” from his busy schedule.
You are already unhappy & hurting. Please walk away, delete his number, get a new number of your own.
The heart ache will never end- until YOU take back your power and say goodbye to him.August 18, 2019 at 4:18 pm #760577
“he just begged me to stay friends and said he will do anything to keep me in his life”
Clearly he isn’t doing anything or else he would have gotten out of this predicament in order to truly keep you!!
The truth is, he is perfectly content in the situation that he is in and he won’t be changing a thing you can believe that.August 18, 2019 at 6:22 pm #760590
Better off single
If you truly care about him and want him in your life as well, have some MAJOR self control and cut off the sex.
Then you will see how genuine he is about staying friends. Make sure you date other men while you are still “friends”. You will watch his posessive jealousy and drama unfold. Then, you will no longer be “friends” and become not quite an enemy just emotional punching bag known as the b×tch who won’t put up with being second rate garbage.August 18, 2019 at 6:28 pm #760592
What do you hope to accomplish by being ‘friends’ with a man you’ve had an affair with who won’t leave his wife?August 19, 2019 at 12:03 am #760617
Thank you everyone, made me feel stronger reading your replies. Raven … I’m not sure what I am trying to accomplish really, I suppose just to find a way not to lose him completely as we are genuine best friends aside from anything else.August 19, 2019 at 1:12 am #760621
You have to question whether a man who would cheat on one woman while using her for “security”, and tie up another woman’s life while using her as a side piece even has a conscience.
What’s happening here is that every minute you spend giving your time and affection to him, you’re missing out on meeting a man who would treat you like a princess and shout from the rooftop that he loves you.
Hopefully sooner or later you will wise up. There are women who have spent decades on a man’s back burner.August 19, 2019 at 2:21 am #760624
Sarah, neither are you two genuine best friends, nor is he in love with you. Sorry to be blunt. Maybe you were best friends before the sex and intimacy. When you love someone there is a selflessness that comes naturally. Genuinely caring about someone is being sensitive to _their_ wellbeing, needs, and fulfillment not just one’s own. Words don’t mean a damn thing without variables (time, context, actions etc) to back them up.
I treat my male best friend better than this guy treats you. Or if you want an opposite sex example, I once distanced a friend so that she wasn’t wasting her time hoping something would happen between us because I cared enough about her to go out find someone for herself who liked her back. When she did, we finally became platonic friends and it showed in her disposition towards me. That’s care. That’s friendship.
I’m sure he’s done more good things than you’ve shared here, but the true evidence that he cared about your happiness would be if he said, “Yes, this relationship isn’t fair to you. You deserve a lot more.” He didnt. I wouldnt trust the friendship of a person like this.
Whatever the reasons were for you falling into this situation, what matters is that you are finally awake now and have realized through your hurt that this arrangement was never built to be long-term. And it doesnt fulfill your needs. You have yet to be truly loved. One day that will happen, and you’ll look back and see this pseudo-relationship for what it really was. I’ve noticed a lot of people benefit from taking a NC break first instead of breaking up cold turkey. Please make a break your next step.August 19, 2019 at 4:36 pm #760666
I just want to pull out my story for ya- RUN.
My ex cheated on me and her side of the story was a lot like yours. It was a very long cheating, “more than sex”. Long story short, I ended up dumping him. She was *THRILLED*. Until he, with his new found freedom, dropped her like a hot potato, slept around, found his dream girl, jumped into a committed relationship with dream girl, leaving affair girl out in the dust.
Right now, you are *PERFECT* because he gets a girlfriend experience with a girl who is pretty much OK with the situation- he has his cake and gets to eat some too. Men aren’t all that demanding when it comes to side chicks.
You deserve better, unless you want to be a side chick. I’d make a clean break, walk, start dating others and leave him with the message that should he ever be single, you’d be willing to date- (if you want to). But you will NEVER successfully form a new relationship while you are hoping for this guy to work out, or trying to “stay friends”.
Also, have you dated other men since you started seeing him? Guy friends that you have sexual/emotional history with often react poorly when you mention dating other men. All the sudden, even though they weren’t giving you their all, they resent you for now giving another guy their attention and/or focus. He won’t stay your friend long if you talk about dating and are serious.August 19, 2019 at 11:38 pm #760703
Anon, I haven’t seen anyone else , I haven’t wanted to and the thought of it makes me feel sick. Since posting here though I have withdrawn and been very cool with him. There is a sadness about us now and I know he is hanging on to what he can salvage, probably hoping for me to change my mind. Something feels different for me this time. Although I didn’t give him an ultimatum I definitely feel he didn’t choose me after our talk and this has really altered the way I feel about us. I am gutted and trying to take the time slowly to do the right thing for me, nor him this time xxAugust 20, 2019 at 12:34 am #760704
Begging you to stay reeks of desperation. He knows all he can do to prove himself is use empty emotion driven words.
He doesnt want you to abandon him to actually solve his relationship problems. This man should get out of that marriage if he is not willing to work on issues. Think of this- if you were in a committed relationship with him & there were problems – he will do the same to you. Cheat!!
A man truly available & interested will prove his worth by making you a priority. Not offering crumbs which is what you are getting.August 20, 2019 at 12:45 am #760705
He’s your ‘Best friend’ -Really?
Sorry Honey- You need to re-evaluate your definition of friend.August 20, 2019 at 12:04 pm #760741
Raven I understand where you are coming from but we do have a genuine friendship. We spend hours together laughing and talking. It’s this that I will miss so much and is why I am questioning whether we could make it work just being friends.August 20, 2019 at 12:28 pm #760742
Mariah has given you all you need to know based on her own experience. You probably have very low self esteem and deepdown you feel not worthy of love. Im not saying this to depress you but for you to look into it and fix it. No confident self loving woman would accept being the side chick and feels so loved and liked. I also agree with warasen that this guy isnt acting as a good friend. A good friend wouldnt let you go through the pain of not being his partner and begging to be friends. Thats a selfish act. You can laugh with a dog and get more love from him than this man. Youre close to quitting it, i hope you do it and research what true love and friendship really isAugust 20, 2019 at 1:48 pm #760757
Hi I don’t have low self esteem and have a lot of love in my life, 2 grown up children who give me happiness and reason to live. It’s just that this man has got into my soul and I fell deeply in love with him .August 20, 2019 at 4:47 pm #760762
OMG … it’s not what I want to be a sloppy second I can assure you. I asked because I’m struggling and sometimes it is helpful to read other people’s thoughts on your own situation. These comments have been taken on board and are very much appreciated. I have already taken small steps to withdraw and will continue to do so.August 20, 2019 at 5:07 pm #760763
Im afraid small steps will suck you back in. I know people can have high self esteem but not when it comes to love and truly feel you deserve it. I been like that. If you dont feel thats you, thats perfectly fine because i can only respond to what you wrote. But in between the lines i read that you have tried to force him into more, more often and it never happened. And now again when he only expresssed he wanted to at least be friends, you didnt get the result you wanted. If his partner would know and was ok with a businnes partnership i maybe would have a different opinion. But nothing you said is pointing to that. You are settlling for being a side chick. Thats pretty much it. No woman with high self esteem would settle for that. Its just doesnt add up. I dont give what i cant get back. Its really as simple as that. If a man that i feel is my soulmate and he doesnt feel the same and acts accordingly, he simply gets crossed on the soulmate list. Its hurts like hell but ill recover. And you will too if you have the balls to check put what stops you from finding two-way love. And not do this with baby steps.August 20, 2019 at 6:13 pm #760767
Better off single
A soulmate is someone who is single and available just like you are. A soulmate is someone who won’t leave you full of questions or doubt. You 100% without a doubt know this is the man for you and he 100% without a doubt knows you are the woman for him. Either of you couldn’t stand the idea or even have the desire to be with anyone else.
This guy somehow tricked you into thinking this. This guy is using psycological tactics on you to selfishly keep you from moving on and to boost his own ego. What kind of friend thwarts another friend from succeeding and going forward?
Tell this man to leave your life. His time with you is done. He may say he cares, Don’t believe it, he never actually cared enough for you in the first place because he is MARRIED. There is no future for you guys. Security is more important to him and he is basically slapping you in the face telling you that you are not reliable and don’t meet his needs.August 20, 2019 at 6:40 pm #760768
I feel sorry for his wife
Newbie is on point. Do not give what you do not get back. You want 100% commitment you told him you love him and only him. He wants you as a side chick and loves his wife too, I’m sure of it because he would leave if he didn’t. The security thing is just an excuse. He is too afraid to lose everything to make it exclusive. Think about that.
If he is married – hard pass (never fw another woman’s man no matter how miserable he tells you he is)
If he is recently divorced 1 year or less- hard pass
If he is emotionally unavailable and “too busy”- pass
If he is dating multiple women – stay guardedAugust 20, 2019 at 7:00 pm #760769
I haven’t been in your exact situation but i can tell you i wasted several years trying to be “friends” with a guy i had dated & was deeply in love with. We even talked about marriage but for various reasons he always backed away from getting more serious. We used to fight about it & i would cry because he could not give me the love/energy/commitment that i wanted & deserved.
Eventually we agreed to just be “friends”, but honestly our friendship served him way more than it served me. In hindsight, i can see he knew very well that i was still in love with him & pining for him, hoping that he would change his mind. He used it to his advantage to get lots of emotional/personal support, and sex once in awhile, from me under the guise of our friendship. Meanwhile he was dating & sleeping with other women & rebuffing any suggestion about us getting back together.
I stayed in this trap for a couple years. Tried dating others but my heart wasn’t really in it because i was still hung up on him.
Eventually i was finally able to snap out of it & pull back from him. I started giving the energy that i was giving him, to myself and my life. Guess what happened– within 6 months i met a wonderful guy who is currently my boyfriend of 16 months. I never would have been open to connecting with him if i had still been hung up on my “friend”. In fact my “friend” was stunned & somewhat upset when he stopped receiving all my emotional energy. But the relationship was manipulative & only served HIS interests.
I know you think this man is your soulmate & best friend. But a soulmate & friend wouldn’t treat you as a 2nd class citizen. He is looking out for his best interests, not yours. Yes, you both laugh & talk & have inside jokes…i had all that with my ex/friend too. I literally could not imagine having him in my life. Now, i’m in a much happier place with a man who loves me and puts me first. He and i laugh & talk & have our inside jokes. And it’s way better, because i’m his Number One.
Please let go of this guy. Walk away. You are keeping yourself from finding a man who will love & appreciate you & put you first.August 20, 2019 at 9:30 pm #760770
Yes please listen to bos and liz lemon. I wasnt even able to recognize my partners true intentions at first because i was so screwed up at first. Just remember a relationship doesnt make you cryAugust 21, 2019 at 12:52 am #760778
Sarah, I won’t judge but you really need to rip the band-aid off and begin the process of healing. I know its hard, I know you have this fantasy built up in your head of what *could be* but the truth of the matter ism it never will.
Its time you faced the TRUTH head on, cut him loose, and open yourself up to meet the man who will happily give you what he refuses to give you. He’s out there but you need to free yourself from this man to meet that man. Time to cut the cord, permanently, and swiftly.August 21, 2019 at 1:41 am #760779
I will go with what lane has advised you to do. sometimes we get so blindsighted by our emotions we become blind to the obvious. the obvious is that he is having his cake and eating it too. we all tend to make mistakes. you did too. but I think your finally beginning to realise just what kind of underhand arrangement you have got yourself into. in your case it is probably worst. he doesn’t have to deal with a married wife nor kids. yet he is looking for excuses to not cut off with the other woman. at home he has his live-in lover who takes care of him and his house and outside he has you who provides fun and friendship. he has the best of both the worlds. not sure if the other lady knows about you. but you do know about the other woman. he is cheating on his partner with you.
lady there is only way out of this mess for you. and that is to accept the truth and walk out. do not look back at all.
to give my example. I had this very close friend. we worked for the same corporate group. however for different divisions. we got along fabulously well and many times went out for dinner and drinks post work. he was married. it started out with great friendship. however after few years he made a move and told me hes attracted to me. I turned him down! told him I will never be the other woman. and I will never knowingly sleep with another woman’s man. we lost touch and met up recently. I thought he got what I was saying and accepted it. but no. he expressed desire to be with me again. and no he hasn’t left his wife. I turned him down again and blocked him. I gues what am trying to say is at times no matter how hard things are we have to draw healthy boundaries.
just move on and next time do not get caught in such triangles. it only creates a mess and causes heartbreaks. all the best.