This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by T from NY 9 months, 4 weeks ago.
September 18, 2019 at 8:17 pm #773523
I’m concerned about my relationship. When my boyfriend and I got together he was in military backups/reserves. One weekend of service a month. He had been on active but dropped down to reserve. When he was active, he lived in another state for a long time. He then went inactive and was just living there with a girl friend. He loved living there, had friends, and loved a rural life. He tells me how much he loved living there all the time. He said he went inactive, got depressed, his father got sick, so he came back here, his hometown to live.
His father passed away, he’s been living here with his sister and her family for years now being reserve military.
He was a proud military man. When we met he was actively looking for a job. He got a fantastic job a few weeks after we met. State job, he was so happy. He then tells me he wants to officially retire from all military service. I support whatever decision he makes. He retired. Ever since he seems withdrawn. He openly told me not being in the military has been hard on him emotionally. He was in for over eight years.
I’ve been here for him and supportive.
Last night we are on the phone. He goes on this rant about wanting to move back to the state he loves and what kinds of jobs ge could work there and he is waiting for the housing market to get a bit cheaper there to buy a home. He is saying how much he misses it.
I’m in shock. We haven’t been together a year yet, was I wasting my time? He wants to move away.
I ask him if he plans on just up and leaving me to move back there. He claims not at all and how it wouldn’t be for a long long time way into the future. I tell him how much that bothers me. He then claims how he thought of just getting a second little place there to visit.
I know this is a lie because no one talks about getting a new job at a second home. Your near work home is your home every day permanently.
And talking about the housing costs there. Again, sounds like a regular home.
I didn’t buy it, but let it go. Now I cannot get it out of my head. Its been bothering me so much. I’m terrified that I’m wasting my time now. This has happened to me before and it didn’t work out for that very reason. I was convenient while the person was around. But their long term plan was to leave.
I think my boyfriend knew this bothered me. I wasn’t acting the same after he threw it at me. He texted me after we spoke saying he loved me so much and was just going through a lot with him being out of the service so recently.
Any insight on this situation?September 18, 2019 at 9:47 pm #773527
Better off single
Move with him.September 18, 2019 at 10:32 pm #773528
Its not a place I’d ever want to live amd I have family, friends, and a great career hereSeptember 18, 2019 at 11:13 pm #773529
Have you talked about it, or only texted? You should talk.
Is this the first time he’s ever mentioned it? Or did it just come up out of the blue? He may just be going through some things emotionally and blurted it out. You said leaving the military was hard on him. If it becomes a pattern or something that he talks about regularly, I’d be concerned.
Also, does he ever talk about plans for the future with you & your relationship? If you’ve been together almost a year, I would assume the two of you make future plans. I don’t necessarily mean marriage or moving in together at this point, but things like planning a vacation, or comments about doing this or that in the coming months/next year (holiday plans, etc). Just any comments that show he is projecting you into his future.
If he never talks about YOU in his future at all, but is talking about moving in his future– that would worry me.
But it’s hard to tell at this point, if this is the first time it’s come up. Maybe he is just struggling emotionally and the idea of moving just a fantasy.September 19, 2019 at 2:43 am #773534
I think you need to have an open and honest talk with him. also about future plans and just where do you see things heading between the two of you.September 19, 2019 at 4:01 am #773538
It sounds like your boyfriend is doing what’s right for him. Yes, you guys are in a relationship and he does need to consider you in his decisions but at the end of the day he needs to be where he’s happy.
I understand that it’s hard to move away from your family, friends etc but if you see a real future together someone is going to need to move somewhere. Either you to him or him to you.
I did long distance with my partner for about a year when we met as we were living in different states. I also have my family and quite a close-knit circle of friends back home, but I saw a future with my partner so I moved to his state. He was not in a position to move at the time so I was the one that did. You guys just need to discuss the pros and cons and make your decision.September 19, 2019 at 7:17 am #773546
Better off single
You guys want different things. Get out while you still can.September 19, 2019 at 7:19 am #773547
Better off single
Family friends and your career are more important. You built your self a foundation don’t let him crack it.September 19, 2019 at 8:38 am #773549
How long have you been together? How old is he? You cannot ‘retire’ unless you put in over 20 years of service, so this doesn’t make any sense. A reservist doesn’t start collecting a pension until they are 60, so unless he worked for the State, and a military reservist for a minimum of 20 years, there would be no retirement. The State and Military are two wholly different and separate entities, so I don’t understand the connection you are trying to draw between the two when you say “officially retire from all military service.” ??? If its confusing to me, I could see why it would be very confusing to you too.
The problem you have is you can’t stop someone from doing something they want to do. To be honest, he doesn’t appear to be stable, doesn’t seem to know what he wants, and someone I would be super leery about hitching your wagon too. He could have the same problems/issues there, that he has now, as he seems restless to me. I would have a frank discussion as you don’t want to be in a state of waiting for the shoe to drop, for too long, and will need to make the best long-term decision for you, not him.September 19, 2019 at 9:51 am #773554
I re-read it, and now understand what he told you, and trying to relay, that he wanted to retire from the military, and officially did so. Not sure how old he is but won’t receive that pension until age 60 so will still have to work and support himself until he attains that age. I do question if he did based on the amount of his ‘inactive status’ you mentioned, whereas a reservist needs to earn a certain amount of ‘points’ in order to meet retirement requirements, as its not based on years like it is when on active duty but a point system based on the number of weekend duties, annual two week stints, and any extended duties one may or may not perform while in the reserves.
Anywho, I still believe he’s in a state of limbo, doesn’t know what he wants, and I would be super leery to invest much more than you have already with Mr. Iffy.September 19, 2019 at 5:34 pm #773596
@Better Off Single: I don’t know the full situation but it doesn’t sound like the OP’s partner is trying to crack anything. If he feels he’s happier in another place he should go. He hasn’t said that he wants to end things. It sounds like he’s open to her moving with him if she wants to.
Depending on how long she’s been dating this guy he’s also part of the life she’s made for herself. If she’s been dating him for a year or around that time frame this is something that can be worked through and discussed together if you really see a future with him.September 20, 2019 at 10:28 am #773649
T from NY
You seem mad at him. I know it’s hard and that sometimes when our partners feelings seem to not be on the same page — it feels like a betrayal. But have you talked about a future together? What you want going forward? What kind of house you want to live in? Children? Future stuff. If not — he has not done anything wrong or broken any oaths to you. If he DID talk about moving in and exploring a life together where you are now, he seems to be communicating he’s realizing he may want something different now.
You have to know where you stand before you talk to him. Get quiet and ask yourself hard questions. Is moving away a deal-breaker for you? Is his having a home in another state and being gone stretches of time a deal-breaker for you? Be calm and unemotional when you speak to him in person. Let him know you just want to know where his head is at and where he sees your partnership fitting into his future plans.
Make him feel safe to share hard things to say. Assure him you won’t be mad and you just want to know what’s in his head. Be strong and clear on what your initial feelings of what you want as well. Ask to table the conversation if it gets too intense and if you want to think about what he has said. Let him know it’s not his fault what has happened to you in the past, but you won’t ever be anyone’s placeholder again. I would not rug sweep this. But I wouldn’t go nuts about it either. Good communication is essential to a healthy relationship and if he’s not the man for you, better to know as soon as possible. Wish you luck