This topic contains 24 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Omg 5 months, 3 weeks ago.
July 15, 2019 at 1:25 pm #757077
My boyfriend and I work together.For the past 4 months I was helping my boyfriend even though we don’t live together. He hit a tough spot with his bills and I’ve been tying to help him as much as I can.
I gave him money for the light bill and water bill in April. I gave him gas money a few times too. But 2 months ago my boyfriend had received his hospital bill in the mail for being sick and he told me they were going to start to garnish his check because he couldn’t afford the payments.
So i started working overtime at work to help him get his debt down. He asked me to take out a loan for him but it didn’t get approved so I started working more hours to try and make up for the lack of income.
My friend asked me why was I working so much lately and I told my best friend at work that a i was helping my boyfriend with the bills until my birthday came. I told her he doesn’t have the motivation to work OT so I’m just trying to help him until he gets hisself sorted out. And i told her i didn’t want him borrowing money from other people so i rather look out for him
She went back and told my boyfriend what I said and he dumped me ghosted me and I’m not sure what I did.July 15, 2019 at 1:40 pm #757078
Good riddance!!! Best thing that could have happened to you.He was using you BIG time! He wasn’t a boyfriend he was a leech!Please move on to someone who loves you and not your resources!July 15, 2019 at 2:26 pm #757082
You are a fool, trying to buy love. If anything, he should be helping you. At the very least, he should be helping himself and not relying on a woman. Men who are in love and feel they are with their dream woman wouldn’t dare use her resources while he does nothing to better his situation.
The reason he dumped you was because you completely embarrassed him by sharing his personal financial business. You had no right to do that. He probably felt emasculated.
A side note:get rid of your friend, who went and told him what you said. She is messy and can’t be trusted.July 15, 2019 at 2:39 pm #757085
I didn’t mean to embarrass him. I felt as though the conversation was casual. I didn’t think about telling i was helping him because I didn’t mindJuly 15, 2019 at 2:41 pm #757086
How did he feel emasculates because I helped him? Is there an issue with a woman helping a man?July 15, 2019 at 3:52 pm #757090
You outed him. You make no sense. He didn’t want to work overtime, so he let you do it. Men never appreciate a woman who gives more to him than he does back.July 15, 2019 at 4:14 pm #757095
He didn’t let me he asked for me to take a loan out and I couldn’tJuly 15, 2019 at 4:18 pm #757097
That is what is called being used. You couldn’t take a loan. He couldn’t take a loan. It’s his money issue. Not yours. If he’s too lazy to work and expect you to do it for him he used you.July 15, 2019 at 6:17 pm #757103
Never. Ever. Buy. A. Man.July 15, 2019 at 6:26 pm #757109
Will you work overtime for me? I could use some extra dollars?July 15, 2019 at 6:54 pm #757114
You shared personal financial business with a blabbermouth traitor. That’s what you did. And even worse, you’re bending over backwards to help a man who won’t help himself. You aren’t married, you don’t live together. He is not your responsibility. You don’t have to do what he tells you. You didn’t have to try to get a loan for him. If he won’t work overtime to avoid his wages being garnished, then why should you do it? You must be very young and/or inexperienced with men and how to handle your finances. Don’t be giving men money, ever. He’s sponging off you. Men with any pride and decency do not sponge off their women. They provide for their women.July 15, 2019 at 7:23 pm #757118
Why didn’t he tell me i was wrong for telling someone i helped him with his bills? I felt the conversation was casual and i personally didn’t think about my words when talking to her. But he never told me what i did he just left me ?July 15, 2019 at 7:54 pm #757121
You haven’t read a word of the advice provided. You were wrong for paying his bills nimbo!July 15, 2019 at 8:45 pm #757127
I can tell your young and want you to learn the lesson in this so you do t do it again.
First, the one thing men treasure the most is RESPECT. I know you were only chatting with a friend but whatever you told her she blabbermouthed it to your BF and he felt “disrespected” because you made him look like a loser (even though he is) and that was huge hit to his ego.
Second, men also do not respect a woman who doesn’t respect herself. I know you thought you were helping but men don’t look at it that way do. You saw him in a weak state, at his worst, and begging you for money—-that actually makes feel like a bigger loser and would have dumped you the moment he got back on his feet because it’s something he wouldn’t be able to live with for too long.
Lastly, a man who really loves a woman would bite of his arm before asking her for money! I’ve been in this situation a couple times and I never cave them money! I knew they were tight so we engaged in free or low cost dates. I might buy a couple drinks, pay for the bowling shoe rental, or pick a few things up at the store so we could have an In-home movie night but that was it!!! They worked super hard to get over that hurdle and when they did they rewarded me for being supportive through their rough patch but not supporting them.
In the future do not engage in financially supporting men—-if they can’t support themselves then walk away.July 15, 2019 at 9:29 pm #757131
chaotic emotional commitmentphobe
Awesome Advice LaneJuly 15, 2019 at 10:29 pm #757137
You do not share any kind of personal financial business about your partner with an outside party. Ever. You have to be very, very young to not get that.
Consider yourself lucky he dumped you. Now you can keep your hard earned money for yourself instead of handing it over to a leech. This guy wouldn’t have minded if you’d turned tricks to pay his bills. That’s so skeevy.July 15, 2019 at 10:35 pm #757138
I’ve got twenty bucks that says she goes and begs him to take her back and keeps giving him her money and working overtime for this deadbeat.July 17, 2019 at 2:54 pm #757282
Scaling back on expenses, suggesting low or no cost activities, or casually picking up the tab without drawing attention to doing it for some of the low cost activities is contributing to the relationship. Working ot to give him money when he isn’t willing to do that for himself isn’t going to endear you to him like you might have thought it would. Anyone, man or woman, who is capable of doing things to turn their situation around and doesn’t, isn’t going to appreciate what you’ve done for them. If he isn’t responsible enough to help himself, he isn’t going to feel any responsibility or gratitude towards you for helping him. He proved this by dumping you instead of accepting the truth of the matter. Even if it is not a good idea to share personal financial information and his “pride” (which he has no claim to having real pride if he was willing to let you work ot he could have and taken the money) was wounded, you said nothing untrue. He was looking for a freebie and got busted when you talked about it.
If he was willing to take the money he should have been willing to suck up the consequences of it being known if he had no other option of getting out of his jam. He did have other options though. He chose to let you pick up the burden. A person with good character wouldn’t take you up on an offer like that. A person with good character would know they’d owe you. He didn’t want to be obligated but he wanted to solve his problem on your back. He didn’t show good character.
Your heart may have been in a good place but your judgment was bad. Don’t offer to let yourself be taken advantage of like this ever again.
He didn’t stop this for noble reasons but stopping it was the only decent thing he has done… even if he wasn’t trying to be decent. Take it as a gift. You don’t see that now but you will in time.July 17, 2019 at 3:52 pm #757286
“I told her he doesn’t have the motivation to work OT so I’m just trying to help him until he gets hisself sorted out.”
This RIGHT here is why he dumped you! It’s one thing to tell your best friend you’re working to help him through a tough time, it’s entirely another to tell her he’s too LAZY to do it himself!! Everyone understands someone going through a hard time. You have one health issue, get a huge bill and are digging yourself out of debt for awhile. If he were working extra hours and still couldn’t cut it and you volunteered to help that’s one thing. But he WON”T work to help himself yet he’s expecting you to do it for him? Ummmm…NO!!
You don’t respect him and it came through in what you said to your friend. You can’t be in a relationship where you don’t respect the man you’re with. I’ve been there and it builds resentment and leads to a break up. He just did what you would have done eventually anyway. Now you can work and save for something YOU want!!July 17, 2019 at 4:10 pm #757287
@ Kaye , thanks for responding yeah you are totally right. I didn’t respect him or his lack of work ethic. I felt used and got nothing out of helping him but debt. He put me in his financial issues and i should’ve built boundariesJuly 17, 2019 at 4:18 pm #757288
Ella, thank you too! I know it’s good we are broken up but why am I sad?July 18, 2019 at 5:07 pm #757428
It’s normal to have mixed emotions. Sometimes it takes a little time for your heart to catch up to your head. It doesn’t take long to get used to someone being there. It can feel pretty empty when they are gone even if they weren’t all that great. It just takes some time shift your attention from what’s not there (him) to what could fit in that spot and be far better (a great guy who cares about you)!July 18, 2019 at 6:11 pm #757438
To make you feel better, I recently had a similar situation. I dated a man of significant means (came from his hedge fund ex wife and family – not his hard work) but he had nothing in his life where he was proactive or constructive. I work as an executive, am on the boards of non profits, have friends, and many hobbies. He went to concerts as his passion – one or two a week, often more. that was it. Yoga, tv, concerts and his kids 50% of the time. He is a good dad, will give him that.
He had told me he wanted to write about the music. I learned in this situation that I have to date a man with a purpose. What happened was I pushed him on the writing (maybe a subconscious way to try to find something I respected), and while I was pushy during the one conversation we had about it (never had done that with a man before – most men I date ask for my advise on things), he melted down about getting into his head and feeling unworthy just even talking about it. He also did not want a partner who pushed him.
We broke up very soon after this conversation, and while I feel badly he felt disrespected (he never actually said that, just that his gut felt we were no longer a match) a man secure in his purpose, not living off of money he did not earn, and capable of communicating through problems would not have had a melt down and shut me out. I will however never again give advise not asked for.
I can do better, as can you.July 27, 2019 at 11:39 pm #758338
My boyfriend and i have been together for over almost 5 months. On my end everything has been great but yesterday while out with him we ran into one of his ex’s. I know this is his ex because he’s showed me a phot of her before and after leaving the store i remembered who she was.
So at first it seemed like he wanted to avoid her. They eventually crossed paths and he said “hey” and she said hey and he went back to shop. My boyfriend and i had separate things to get so we were grocery shopping separately. She went down an aisle he was on and she started talking to him .. They started talking so i continued to do my shopping while they were talking. After a couple of minutes i glance over towards them and he started teasing her a little. My boyfriends ex was pushing her basket and he would grab the end of her basket then releases it and start laughing.
I went to the aisle nearest them and he was bringing up their old memories and their little inside jokes. He then told her randomly “you need a longer T-shirt “ she said “ why is there something on my butt?, is my underwear showing or something” she starts looking down . and he said “na“ and started smiling while kind of signaling to her butt size/they was her butt looked in the pants she had on. (he didn’t directly say her butt size/shape but i could see where he was going with what he was saying) He asked her about some job she had applied for and what was the status on it.
And basically they were joking on each other the entire time we were there. He asked her about her glasses and she said she wears contacts now and he said “oh you’re just trying to show off that face”. The whole time we were in the store he would randomly say things out of the ordinary to her to get her attention or say her name and just say something completely random that he could’ve kept to hisself. And right as she was leaving the store he walked behind her grabbed on her hair and yanked it…
Now i might be overreacting or reading too much into it but he obviously wanted her attention , i couldn’t believe how child like he was around herJuly 28, 2019 at 12:28 am #758339
So your boyfriend acts like a 12 year old. Whose fault is it that you decided to be with him?