This topic contains 58 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Raven 3 weeks, 1 day ago.
April 4, 2016 at 12:36 pm #522559
My partner and I have managed to stay together for almost a year now despite the fact that everyone, initially, was against us dating because of our substantial age difference (him being 42 and me being 20). We fell in love regardless and have recently moved in together with many plans for our future. However, a few months back I was deeply hurt by him and haven’t been able to let go of the painful words he said to me and am just now realizing how much it has been affecting me, our relationship and our sex life. The words haunt me at all hours of the day. So here is what happened: We decided to open up to each other about how many sexual partners we have been with before each other. After he told me his number, I lied about mine. Of course I felt really bad about lying to him and, although I was extremely embarrassed by the number of people I have been with, decided to tell him the truth while we were out for dinner one night. When I told him, he wasn’t shocked. At all. Instead, he replied something along the lines of “I can tell that you’ve been with this many people by the way your vagina looks… I can tell that you’ve been penetrated a lot and the way that your (inner) lips come ‘out’ of your vagina indicates you’ve been with a lot of people… your vagina looks fallen out…” ……..
According to my biology class, articles I’ve read, and photos I have seen online (not the porno ones) my vagina looks perfectly normal and fine!! How could he say something so ignorant and hurtful to me?
Completely taken away by the fact that he implied my vagina doesn’t look appealing to him but rather “used” a d “ugly” I told him my vagina (after puberty) has always looked this way (my inner labia being a bit larger than my outer labia) truthfully, even before losing my virginity on which he replied “no that can’t be true”… “that’s from penetration” …. What kind of women has this guy been with? Women straight out of a porn magazine with perfectly tucked in inner labia and neatly proportioned vaginas?!!
After a long night of argument and him eventually apologizing for hurting me, I decided to push this entire situation somewhere deep down inside of me… Without realizing it initially, this caused a huge mental block which I have recently discovered is probably the reason why I haven’t been able to have an orgasm when he performs oral or when we have vaginal intercourse. The fact that he implied my vagina looks used, ugly and not normal is always in the back of my mind. I mean, you should’ve heard the way he said it and the original words he used… I now feel like I will never be enough for him…
A couple of days ago (months after the initial incident) I tried talking to him about the way I have been feeling over the months and that maybe this is why I can’t have an orgasm when we have sex. Immediately we began to argue as he got defensive and he told me I should have let this go a long time ago. We go a day without talking and then I try again… This time, he smirks and smiles when I began reiterating to him the hurtful things he said to me and how hurt I feel about it… Not only did this man deeply hurt me by insulting my literal anatomy, the very part that makes me a woman, but now he’s also laughing at me!
Another 2 days go by of me totally isolating myself from him. Yesterday he comes into our room, and tries to talk to me. He tells me I have been distant and I have isolated myself and he just doesn’t understand why. He says that he has apologized again and again and doesn’t understand why I am acting this way. I told him again that I am so very deeply hurt by him and even more now that he smiled and pretty much laughed at me about it. I asked him if he knew how it felt when you’re on the verge of tears trying to express your feelings and someone laughs at you and told him that I feel like his joke. I also expressed to him how uncomfortable I feel being naked around him, letting him see or touch me down there and that even the thought of sex (lately these have been nonexistent) totally turns me off. Then I began to cry and got frustrated because he just didn’t quite get it…. He walked out and God knows where he slept last night. None of this is getting anywhere and I just don’t know what to do. Is it time to call it quits or do I continue to push this somewhere deep down inside of me for the sake of the relationship? Don’t I deserve to be with someone that loves me for every flaw and imperfection? Please… help me… I am so lost…April 4, 2016 at 1:05 pm #522569
Well that sucks!
One of the reasons you don’t discuss your ‘past’ with your ‘present’ …
It was a really low class move on his part… & no, you can’t tell how many number of times you’ve been penetrated by how your inner lips look…
I’d move forward, without this guy in my life … This/His comment is only the tip of the iceberg :(April 4, 2016 at 1:10 pm #522571
Derision is one of the largest causes and predictors or break ups and diverse. Unless this man is a doctor, he should keep his scientific opinions to himself and his next girlfriend. Jacka$$April 4, 2016 at 1:22 pm #522575
Run! This is a slippery slope down the mountain of manipulation and controlling your emotions. Unless that is what you’re into. I don’t think it’s simple miscommunication.April 4, 2016 at 1:31 pm #522579
I do not condone that comment one bit. If he was reacting to your lying (which I also don’t condone), a simple, “Why did you lie to me?” would have sufficed. Yes, men are visual creatures, but anyone who’s studied anatomy (both in bed and in school) knows that we’re not all sculpted like porn stars. That’s what makes us unique. Flip it around: the double standard would have to apply. Dare we ever make a comment on a man’s penis size, it would ruin him. How is the female version of this comment ok?
I do think, though, that you have to make a choice. It’s not fair to anyone involved if you drag this relationship out while consciously deciding to hold a grudge against him. Not because he’s “in the right” or because I’m defending him, but because it’s not productive. His apologies are the best it’s going to get. He’s approached you and asked why you were distant, and does have a point when he tells you you have to move on from this. Only you know if it’s something you can never get over. If you stay with him and always try and dig some additional explanation or apology out of him, resentment will brew and toxicity will ensue.
In my opinion, the only way to let him know this is NOT okay is to walk away. I personally couldn’t be with someone who saw the most sacred and alive part of me as used up and unattractive.April 4, 2016 at 1:32 pm #522583
I get that your hurt, and rightfully so. But here’s your problem, you either forgive someone or you don’t. If you don’t then let them go because there is absolutely nothing he can say that will make it go away.
Here’s the thing you need to know about men…they operate on LOGIC (direct), not emotion (indirect), so when you take the emotional route they literally shut down and turn you off because it like you speaking Chinese to them. You have ONE conversation about an issue and if they apologize then forgive and let it go. If you continue to harbor resentments, like cancer, it will slowly eat you alive.
You have not lived long enough to understand the human race. They will say and do things in the heat of the moment then regret it later on. Problem here is you LIED to him about the number of men you’ve been with and if it embarrasses you that much then that’s something you need to sort out and work on so to avoid these unpleasant conversations. I believe he subconsciously spun your lie back on you, and the aftertaste wasn’t pleasurable. Was he wrong to say that, yes, but you lied to him—two wrongs doesn’t make it right.April 4, 2016 at 1:46 pm #522590
This is terrible. I can see why you are so upset. Not only is what he is saying not true, it’s also passively judgemental and condescending.
He has apologized but that does not seem enough for you. What would it take for you to get permanently past this? What are you expecting him to do now? What do you need him to do?
If you don’t know what he needs to do then I think you need to end it. Men want to please their women. If you tell him exactly what you need I’m willing to bet he will try.April 4, 2016 at 1:50 pm #522593
This guy is low in class and lack of verbal kindness to people.
Run – you won’t know what he will say next.April 4, 2016 at 2:13 pm #522605
You deserve better than this. Dump him and move on to better things!!April 4, 2016 at 2:15 pm #522606
” After he told me his number, I lied about mine.”
YIKES! if the 22 year age difference and the abusive comments were not deal breakers maybe this is. But okay let me read more.
Man you are not even old enough to drink, you have clearly been around the block, and he is clearly abusive. Yet let me read a bit more….matter fact I cant read all of this. If you can do a TLDR (too long didn’t read) then amazing otherwise this is all I can give you, only read 3 paragraphs and I will tell you straight up that you need to break up with this man, and I don’t usually advocate to break up with men on this site. This guy though is very abusive, and not only abusive but from what you say he is stupid. It is shocking that an intelligent man can struggle and this fool can get what seems to be a good woman (though has a history) for 1 year.April 4, 2016 at 2:20 pm #522610
I’m amazed this man was able to give you an orgasm considering his lack of knowledge on female anatomy.
I’m with Lane. You have to decide whether you want to/can forgive him. He’s said sorry. There’s nothing else he can do.
I’m not sure if he’s a manipulator, wanted to be hurtful because you lied or is just ignorant. I will say one of the many attractions of a younger lady to a man is she won’t necessarily pick up on his flaws so quickly and will generally demand less of him than someone his age. Not always the case as all my female relatives have older partners, but it is something to think about.April 4, 2016 at 2:22 pm #522613
You poor sweetheart. Walk away from him, this is not something to accept or forgive. Not these type of things. He crossed the worst kind of boundary with you. Dump him before you let all your feminine worth get destroyed by him.
He is 42 and a total idiot, and illiterate too.
You actually told him that you are hurt by his statement and he laughs at you..?? What else do you need to see to decide he is a prick?
Any other guy would have showered you with love and told you that they love your vagina and your body, to make up for the damage they’ve caused you. This is a very sensitive are and you cannot just apologize verbally and think this will do it. Anyone should be able to understand that. And especially your BF.
This type of ignorance is almost misogynistic. Is he ok as a BF in other respects? Usually the kind of insult he threw at you does not come as an isolated thing.
You are young blossoming woman, find a young man who would love your body and your vagina. But do not tell them about your past, this is none of their business. If you test for STIs and everything is ok, they don’t need to know about your past partners.
I don’t know how you can stand to look at this guy. And give him sex? Do not allow him access to your body. This is a big deal and many men would kill to be with you, a 20 year old woman. And this prick insults you and then laughs at you?
And stop exposing your feelings to him. Stop telling him you are so hurt. Instead, why don’t you give him a taste of his own medicine? Is his penis size ok? Not too short, not too thin? Is he circumcised? Tastes good? His balls? Small? even size? I am sure you can find more than one thing to get back at him.April 4, 2016 at 2:23 pm #522616
Also you need to learn real fast that you should not lie to men or else you are gambling and risking him losing all respect for you , so then when this happens he will not buy flowers, he will not show you empathy, and the biggest of all is that he will absolutely cheat on you.
Be honest from day one, either he still likes you and can honestly accept it, maybe he doesn’t accept it but likes you and feels he has the power to fix/change you, or he doesn’t accept it and doesn’t like what he heard so he simply cuts you out of your life.
Both of you sound dishonest and toxic to be honest, best to fix that and move on to other men/women.
~ Jason.April 4, 2016 at 2:33 pm #522621
But some of you women are being too forgiving on her part, she should not lie as well. Imagine if I posted here and my ideal partner is a woman in her 30s maybe mid 30s with a child and such, I hit on older women consistently but with zero success, it is my ideal relationship, they are intelligent and know how to manage drama, now imagine if I said here that I lied to her, what about? Doesn’t matter could be about kids, money, who knows. Would you not rush to say Jason you are wrong and you shouldn’t do that to a woman? SO the same case is here, why did she feel the need to lie to this man? Would women not be hurt if we lied too?April 4, 2016 at 2:34 pm #522622
I agree with Raven. There is no need to tell your current partner about your past. I also learned the hard way on this one too. I never tell a guy intimate details about my past. It is none of their business and only causing problems.
Like it or not there is still a double standard where it is ok for men to have lots of conquests, but not ok for a woman to be nailed that many times. I don’t think you have been nailed, I am just writing how society views it. A man conquers a woman is nailed, bagged, screwed, (pick whatever derogatory term you want).
I agree with Lane too. If he apologized, forgive and move on.
I think you need to do a little soul searching and see if you can truly get past this. If not, now is the time to move on, not years and tears later.April 4, 2016 at 2:45 pm #522623
Run…and find a man that appreciates your vagina just the way it is. Trust me, they exist and will be happy to find exactly what is between your legsApril 4, 2016 at 2:46 pm #522624
I do agree that his comment was a reaction to the lie. I don’t think a lie should have provoked such a cruel statement, however. I think that’s where many, as Jason says, are being “too forgiving on her.” It was an abusive and ignorant thing to say on his part.
But next time, do your part in explaining why you were hesitant to tell the truth. Or better yet, tell the truth upfront IF it comes up.
I’m not sure why you are staying with him if there’s literally nothing more he can do except apologize and maybe buy you flowers here and there. Have you considered therapy for yourself to try and move past things like this? Knowing full well you can’t change him, and can only change you, you have to ask yourself what you want. Do you secretly want to punish him or make him live in guilt? I’m not even saying that to play devil’s advocate- I’m saying it because we have the tendency to do these things after arguments, myself included. I’ve learned the hard way just how damaging it is instead of making the clear-cut decision to 1) Walk away and don’t look back, or 2) Moving forward in the relationship and dropping the subject all together, knowing if something of this nature happens again, it would be my responsibility to leave.April 4, 2016 at 2:52 pm #522626
I don’t think he was mad that she lied, I think he was mad a the number.
If he was mad at the lie, he would have made a comment about her being a liar.
Being mad at the number of people, he lashes out that her anatomy looks over used.April 4, 2016 at 3:10 pm #522630
Thank you for all the replies. I agree with Lane, Jason and everyone else who pointed out the fact that lying is absolutely wrong. It was not right of me to try and sugarcoat how many people I have been with. In my relationship before this one I jokingly asked my boyfriend at the time how he would feel about a girl that has had sex with X amount of people on which he replied that he’d NEVER be with her. This, along with societal pressures about women having several sexual partners, discouraged me to ever want to open up about my past. Not ever being taught my worth growing up and many other factors have greatly affected me in that regard. I thought I was doing the right thing when I came out with the truth. Wouldn’t keeping such a thing from him be worse than lying?! This is my first serious relationship so I can’t really say whether he’s doing the right thing in every other regard. In the beginning of our relationship (2-3 months) he would expect me to pay for dinner to show him that I am thankful every once in a while. Totally get where he was going with that but as a young college student struggling to get by with my own bills it just wasn’t that easy. After a few disputes he realized that paying for dinner is a gentlemanly kind of thing to do and me having to pay was never brought up again. Constantly talking about his ex’s was a big issue as well which eventually and thankfully stopped. He opens doors, pays for dinner (now) and does little things like fill up my gas tank and help with groceries. The sex is okay although I don’t feel it is a mutual exchange of pleasure. I feel that my flower isn’t “pretty” enough for him which makes the whole experience a bit uncomfortable. I ask him to turn the lights low and keep my legs closed whenever we are finished so that he doesn’t see my “ugly” vagina. He’s not perfect either, sometimes we stop having sex because he can’t stay hard. I wonder if it’s because he’s turned off by me or because of his age? I don’t think I can let this go. Not anytime soon at least. I have tried breaking up with him so many times in the past but he always guilts me into staying with him saying that I am his dream woman and the woman he has been waiting for his whole life.April 4, 2016 at 3:13 pm #522631
When I say “In that regard” I mean in the regard of having so many sexual partners. Not that a woman should have a reason To excuse her from having had several partners. But had I known what I know now a few years back, I wouldn’t have slept with half of the people I was with.April 4, 2016 at 3:26 pm #522636
… and yet, he says terrible things to you & dismisses your feelings…
I’m sorry, Amaria :(April 4, 2016 at 3:26 pm #522637
One thing I would suggest for you is to start working on understanding and applying healthy boundaries.
You are your own person and you get to decide what you want to share or not share with another person. Just because you are in a relationship with another person does not give them carte blanche on knowing everything about you. Your past is none of his business and has nothing to do with him.
If something impacts him, such as a sexually transmitted disease (hypothetically speaking), then yes, he would need to know about that. But only that and not how many men you have slept with. That is no one else’s business but your own.
If a guy keeps pressuring you to tell him something that is none of his business and you have clearly avoided the topic, I would see that as a HUGE red flag because he is trying to violate your boundary versus respect you.
That he keeps guilting you into staying is also a violation of your boundaries. You have decided what you want. He may not like it, but a healthy male would respect that.
I think you really need to stick with your gut and follow through with what you know to be right.
Do you really want to stay in a relationship because you are guilted into it?
From what you have written about him he sounds immature and at his age, that is concerning and another red flag. In general I don’t care about age differences, but there is something to be said about the maturity level of a 42 year old man with a 20 year old.
I have many male friends in that age range and while they appreciate the beauty and zest of a young woman, they realize there is very little in common due to the large experience gap. Granted these are mature men.
Trust yourself, sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders.April 4, 2016 at 3:28 pm #522638
From your latest update this sounds like a bad relationship and this latest thing is just another issue on the pile.
Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a good guy. He sounds manipulative. He’s using your inexperience in relationships against you. I imagine no woman his age would deal with his behavior and thats why he dates younger women.
My ex, who I learned in the end was emotionally abusing me, was eight years older than me. He constantly found ways to discount my feelings or opinions by citing my lack of experience. And like you I hadn’t ever been in a LTR so I didn’t feel comfortable arguing with him because a part of me was always afraid, “maybe he’s right, maybe this is what relationships are like”.
I can tell you as someone who has since left that relationship and found someone great, my ex was totally wrong and twisted. Good relationships are not rollercoasters.
Don’t stay in a relationship because you’re afraid of hurting him. I’m sure you can see he has no problem hurting you.April 4, 2016 at 3:37 pm #522643
Even my husband doesn’t know how many sexual partners I’ve had. He’s actually never asked but I wouldn’t tell him the truth anyway. Your past is your past. It’s no one else’s business.
You’re not happy in this relationship if you’ve wanted to break up several times. This isn’t about whether he’ll be upset or guilt you into staying. It’s your life. Do what’s right for you! I really don’t think he’s the man of your dreams is he?April 4, 2016 at 4:05 pm #522656
This man should NOT be your boyfriend anymore. The only thing not pretty here is him! He’s manipulative & that is never acceptable.