This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Amanda 9 months ago.
October 23, 2017 at 3:07 am #661861
Hi we are 50 and my bf of 2 years is planning a day out with an ex from 20 years ago, he’s been in touch with her as a friend and has other female friends some of whom he sometimes has over for dinner etc and I know are purely platonic.
This is an ex who he used to live with and was engaged to and I know they wil be reminiscing about the old days , I don’t think anything more will be happening I just feel this is wrong not to do this as 4 of us , her husband won’t know about it S I’m aware he is a jealous person so it would be behind his back.
I have decided to do the opposite of what he expects and not make a fuss just let him go – that way I’m not causing a scene as I’m not stopping him and being controlling , what do you all think of this , am I right to just let things be , I believe things will happen as they should in life , if he’s not in my future then that’s life ! X
October 23, 2017 at 6:46 am #661887
I wouldn’t worry about it if 20 years have passed. I’ve met up with one of mine while I was married and it was purely platonic…just catching up like you stated. He’s with you and is being open about it, not hiding it or doing it with malice. I recently met my BF’s ex as they are still apart of a group of friends and attend events/parties. She was acting like a whack job to the point my BF apologized to me for her behavior—I understand why he left her and would never go back lol.
I would let him go and monitor him for a bit afterwards. Has he cheated in past relationships? Or has he been monogamous to the point your trust he won’t? If its the later then I wouldn’t worry but if its the former then he’ll cheat regardless if he meets her or not as I;m sure he’s had many opportunities so if he was that type he would have done it by now. You know him better than us and it really comes down to how much you trust him.October 23, 2017 at 6:46 am #661888
T from NY
What matters is how you feel and what YOU want from a relationship. I have a strict policy of — if my partner has seen the person naked there’s no “hanging out” whatsoever. A have no issues with a quick lunch to catch up maybe, with me fully aware of it and he’s kept me in the loop, but that’s about the limit.
I don’t care how many people tell you that you’re insecure or controlling — there are just two camps and types of people — ones who have active friendships with ex partners and ones who feel it is not appropriate.
I would NOT date someone who had “platonic” dinner dates at his home with ex girlfriends. And I sure as hell would not stand for my bf planning a day with an ex-fiancé. But that is me. It’s what I prefer. Figure out what you want and you need. Then act accordingly — according to your truth. Best of luckOctober 23, 2017 at 12:10 pm #661963
Thanks will give it all some thought xxOctober 23, 2017 at 12:37 pm #661976
I’m surprised that nobody has pointed out the fact that if she can’t tell her husband since he is such a jealous person then why are you supposed to be fine with it!?!? This isn’t just ANY old ex, he was engaged to this woman. And the fact she’s not telling her husband and is going behind his back would make me think she has some motive for this. Maybe she’s not happily married and she’s trying to see if there are still feelings there. And why does it have to be a day out together and not just dinner or lunch? Is she traveling from a distance to see him? If so that would also send off alarm bells for me.
I actually looked up my ex boyfriend from 20+ years ago while I was going through my separation and divorce (ahhh the magic of Facebook!). He had been divorced for a couple years. I drove to see him for the weekend. And yes the feelings were still there, no it wasn’t awkward at all it was like the years stood still. We were both quite overwhelmed by the experience. We actually tried to make it work for a little while, but we are 5 hours apart and both share custody of our kids with our exes. Neither of us could move because we’re not leaving our kids and we can’t move them that far from the exes. And his kids are little. It would have been 10 years before his youngest graduated.
We tried to stay in touch as friends but it was too painful for both of us to hear when the other was dating. When I told him I was engaged it was a very emotional conversation that left both of us in tears. He said some things he had never told me before and I really wish he hadn’t. So there are just some loves that never die.
My ex has a woman he was engaged to several years before me. No I would not tempt fate and allow him to spend a day with her. Yes he’s had lunch with exes before but this one is different to me. I like to think I am a reasonable secure person but I know when to put my foot down. I don’t envy the position you are in.October 23, 2017 at 6:10 pm #662096
Hi she’s not happily married and I think he feels flattered that she’s showing him attention, he hasn’t met with her yet and I have said would he be happy if I met my ex for a day , he said no so may he food for thought xOctober 23, 2017 at 7:19 pm #662106
I would just tell him that this makes you uncomfortable that she has to lie by omission to be with him….this is not aboveboard and you would feel better if the four of you can get together. If that is not possible have her over for dinner.October 23, 2017 at 8:24 pm #662109
I would ask him to compromise. Tell him it is fine they have lunch together and then that she come over for dinner for something. An entire day with just the two of them is extreme.