Boyfriend has trust issues and insecurities


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This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Nathalie 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #750837 Reply

    Sammy

    My boyfriend’s last long-term relationship was really traumatic for him. He got cheated on and decided to stay after his ex apologized and begged him. She ended up cheating on him again.He found out she was cheating on him through social media.

    We’ve been dating around 9 months and he tells me (and has shown me through his actions) that he loves me very much.

    The only problem is that he has trust issues and does not like me using social media. He deleted his social media account so he won’t have to see me use it and get anxious/insecure about it. But last night I was at a dinner with work, and he checked my story from another account. I noticed but didn’t bring it up.

    What happened has also had an impact on his self-esteem so he can be very insecure sometimes and thinks that I’ll get bored of him and will leave him.

    What can I do about this?

    #750839 Reply

    Joneses need to move out

    Show him how much you love him through your actions. Maybe delete your social media accounts because you love him and wanna be supportive. What do you need them for anyway? If your family and friends wanna know how you’re doing they will call you. The important people in your life make an effort to contact you on a regular basis everyone else don’t really need to know/or care about your business other than to feel bad about themselves to try to 1up you.

    #750840 Reply

    Ewa

    I wouldn’t delete social media, when he met you you were on there so why delete now, why change for him?
    he is the one that has issues not you. he needs to work on his insecurities not you
    you’ll get tired of telling and showing someone you love them if they don’t trust you

    #750841 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah i agree with ewa. Its his issue. What you can do is tell him he either trusts you or he doesnt. And its up to him to chose what side he wants to pick.

    #751023 Reply

    Sammy

    We had another argument and he said that I didn’t understand that he needed my support to get over his insecurities by deleting my social media. I told him I’ll get rid of it (which I did) and that even though I did, it wont solve anything and that I won’t be happy in this relationship and you’ll just make things worse.

    He’s now apologetic and says that he’s going to work on it and that I should believe him cause he cares about us and that he just needs some time to get over his insecurities.

    My social media isn’t about showing off as much as its about sharing my thoughts, opinions and likes and dislikes. I come from a very controlling and strict family so that was one of my only outlets for self-expression. He knows that too. Rather than the loss of my social media, I’m more upset that boyfriend thinks I’m being selfish by using it and making him feel insecure.

    I don’t know what to do now

    #751025 Reply

    Louise

    Well firstly, if it was an outlet for self-expression, keep doing that but ‘privately’ – my friend makes scrapbooks with comments, photos etc (which you can do digitally); I write stories and poems and make music; other people keep blogs etc.

    But HE has to work on his trust issues. If you’re not careful, his insecurity will start to come out in controlling behaviour – talking about your clothes, whining if you want to go out without him etc. My husband did that but it was so slow and insidious that it wasn’t till years later I realised he was actually controlling me!

    #751027 Reply

    Ewa

    ah so it is ok for him to use fake social media account to spy on you but you can’t have social media? how do you know he is not doing something behind your back?
    usually people with trust issues are people who are doing something dodgy themselves

    #751030 Reply

    Sammy

    I’m into fashion and mainly follow other fashion bloggers.

    He won’t admit that his insecurities are due to his lack of trust in me. He kept denying it and just said it made him feel bad and crappy.

    I’m scared of that too. My dad was extremely controlling with my mum. I do love him but I also can’t stand it when he tells me to do things. He’s criticized my clothes in the past, but I don’t care and wear what I want. He also gets annoyed if I go out with my friends but I also ignore that and still go.

    Now he’s telling me he’s going to be better and change for our relationship.

    #751031 Reply

    Sammy

    Also want to make it clear that the reason I love him is because he is a good and genuine person. He would do anything for me. If I was upset he’d come see no matter where he was or what he was doing. He also takes care of me and has never tried to hurt me in any physical way. We’ve been together for almost a year now.

    #751036 Reply

    Louise

    This is screaming RED FLAG, RED FLAG to me, but my views are coloured by my experience with an increasingly controlling husband.

    He needs therapy. If he won’t get it, he’s not going to get less jealous, less possessive, less insecure, less judging of your clothes and lifestyle…

    #751037 Reply

    Sammy

    Ewa – I guess the difference between me and him is that I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything like that. I think his insecurities come more from his past relationship where his ex cheated on him multiple times and because he think he doesn’t deserve me cause I’m ‘too good for him’.

    He’s saying that he’s going to work on it himself first. He said that if he can’t change within 2 weeks then he said that ‘you can break up with me and I’ll go see a therapist.’

    #751038 Reply

    Louise

    How is he going to fix an issue that’s gone on 9 months in 2 weeks? That’s entirely unrealistic.

    #751039 Reply

    Sammy

    I don’t know, I thought that too. I’m willing to give him some time if he needs it but I’ve stressed that I want him to go see a therapist regardless. Maybe after the 2 weeks, I’ll push towards that.

    He has recognized that he does have an issue now at least. But I guess I’ll see how things progress on and if they really do change…

    #751040 Reply

    Ewa

    no offence but if I guy kept telling me I am too good for him, eventually I would start thinking I am and it will lose my respect for him…
    are not bored of reassuring him ?

    #751041 Reply

    Sammy

    I respect him a lot- he’s done so much for me when I was upset and had problems with my family and when I was sick and feeling unwell. He’s treated me better than any other guy I’ve dated before.

    But it is exhausting and it’s started making me question our future together. I don’t know if I have the confidence of going further with him if almost a year after he still doesn’t believe that I do love him and care for him.

    Funny thing is, I’m not the most confident person in the world. It took me years to build up m self-esteem to where I am now. I can understand how it is to feel really insecure but I don’t think I can deal with it if he’s not willing to work on it.

    #751042 Reply

    Tia

    Same as Ewa. And if he thinks you deserve better than him (and I agree with him!), he should let you go, not keep whining about himself.

    I doubt very much he believes himself that he’s going to make it in two weeks. He’s already winning anyway, you deleted your social media, he’s controlling you… the exact way your family is controlling you. How can you breathe surrounded by people like that ?

    Maybe it would be a good idea to seek yourself the help of a counselor, to understand why you are putting up with this kind of behavior (it’s not your fault, you’ve been raised that way) and how to gain enough self-esteem and understanding to walk away when someone is trying to take the lead of your life. Otherwise, this pattern won’t stop to happen in your life.
    You’re an adult, a woman, you’re free, and no one is supposed to tell you what you can or can’t do with your life. They’ll do it only if you allow them.

    And you deserve a loving, caring partner who trusts you. To control someone IS NOT LOVE. IT IS NOT LOVE. It’s possession. Keep that in mind.

    #751046 Reply

    Sammy

    Thanks Tia – Honestly I feel suffocated. My parents say they want the best for me, my boyfriend says he loves me and in the end I end up feeling like I’m the one that’s wrong or being selfish.

    I will take up your suggestion and get help for myself

    #751050 Reply

    Tia

    I’ve been in your shoes Sammy, I know how hard it is. Suffocated was the exact word I used for myself. I send you lots of hugs. Think about your well-being first.

    #751097 Reply

    Ok

    It’s sad you don’t see the fact that you went from a controlling dad and picked a controlling boyfriend. He isn’t going to fix anything. My guess is he doesn’t even see a problem with this.

    I was in a four year relationship that started like this. By year three he was physically abusing me. Control is control. And when he finds he can’t control you emotionally, he will revert to physical control.

    I would bet anything that the reason his ex left him was over control. And you don’t know she cheated on him, do you? All you know is he stalked her Facebook just like he is doing yours.

    This kind of control just doesn’t happen, because a woman cheats on a man. Not sure how well you really know him but this level of control is ingrained and a habit. The fact he picked a woman with a history of submitting to control is very telling. Men like this seek out women like you. At the time I was with my guy, I was more vulnerable, as well. He was a master at staring off slowly (like your guy. The clothes thing, the fwb thing) and then it ramps up. And trust me, just like your guy is doing, he is making it all about you and not really him. He SaYS it’s his own trust issues. It is it really? How is telling you he doesn’t like your clothes about trust? How is telling you to stop Facebook about trust if he reviewed your whole page and didn’t see anything suspect? Think on that. This real hard. You aren’t really seeing the big picture here.

    #751112 Reply

    Zoe

    Who is more important your boyfriend or social media?
    I would delete my social media if you dont you will break up eventually

    #751119 Reply

    Tia

    And if he asks her to jump off a cliff, I guess she should also do it ?

    #751120 Reply

    Nathalie

    At the stage that I am based on past toxic relationships of emotional and physical abuse, a man that tells me what to do and not what to do is automatically shown the door. All my love and respect for him goes with it. There are no compromising on this especially if its petty things to do with my clothes. Because for one thing I’m sure of, if you dont trust me by now you’re never going to no matter how much I break my back to prove myself worthy. Also if you make me pay for HER mistakes and I cant live peacefully because of it then you dont need to be with me. Period.

    I have empathy for a person that has been scarred before.. some things are more difficult to believe in again. I should know. But if I can trust in a new man that he won’t physically harm me, then anyone who cannot make the effort to trust in me in return is a no go. I will simply leave you alone.

    This will get worse my dear. One day you will realise that all your joy for doing anything you enjoy will be minimised or taken away completely. You have nothing when there is no trust. Your guy needs to seriously understand that if he really wants to be with you HE has to work on himself. He has to take a leap and give you the benefit of the doubt. If he cannot do it with a person by his side then he needs to do it alone.

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