This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Becky 4 weeks, 1 day ago.
January 19, 2019 at 9:59 pm #736671
My boyfriend has a very close female friend with whom he hangs out twice a month. I recently realized (through someone else and some digging) that they used be friends with benefits. He even cheated on his ex girlfriend with that fwb.
After I confronted him he claimed that they’re just hanging out as friends. I know she still jokes about their previous sex encounters but I don’t think they’re sleeping together after he started dating me. (six months)
I feel pretty hurt that he never told me. How mad should I be about this situation and what should I do?January 19, 2019 at 10:11 pm #736673
Who else is present when they hang?
Who initiates the hang?
Where do they hang?January 19, 2019 at 10:13 pm #736674
They’re still sleeping together. Sorry.January 19, 2019 at 11:35 pm #736678
Are they hanging out alone? are you ever invited? Hanging out twice a month is a lot of “pals” or “friends”. He never told you about this. None of it sounds good. Sorry. “He even cheated on his ex girlfriend with that fwb.” – did he tell you that? how did you find out? Chances are high he is still sleeping with her “occasionally”, as I am sure you are thinking this yourself.
How mad should you be? I don’t understand when women ask such questions. As mad as you feel. Act the way you feel. You were never invited, he hid this from you. For most women this would be a deal breaker.January 19, 2019 at 11:46 pm #736679
I’d tell him I felt really uncomfortable with him “hanging out” with her.. Who knows what goes on?! Tell him this is a bad situation for you to be in.. Since in the past he has cheated on a girlfriend with her. I’d say “It her or me, baby.” And I’d drop him if you aren’t important enough.
This is nonsense!January 20, 2019 at 9:28 am #736723
Thanks for the reply! To answer some of the questions:
1. Yes, they hang out alone. I’m not sure who initiated but I’m guessing both. They usually have dinner and chat. I’m never invited because the ex-fwb doesn’t want me to be there. I’ve never met her in person.
2. I don’t think they’re still sleeping together right now as my boyfriend tells me before and after and where they hang out and it doesn’t seem to be suspicious. The problem is that he never told me she is an ex-fwb.
3. I found out he cheated on his ex with her because he once told me how he cheated because he wasn’t happy in that relationship and all that. I realized that the ex-fwb fits some of the description of that story and asked him. He admitted that it was her that he cheated with.
I’m wondering if giving him an ultimatum like Kathy advised is a good idea. He might see her behind my back and not tell me about it at all. There’s no way I would know.January 20, 2019 at 9:36 am #736727
Find an ex-FWB of your own to start hanging out with in the same way, and see how he likes it.January 20, 2019 at 10:00 am #736730
The ex-fwb still has a thing for your guy…
Your guy needs better boundaries.January 20, 2019 at 10:08 am #736731
She doesn’t want to meet the woman she is helping him cheat on.January 20, 2019 at 2:07 pm #736768
This is a matter that requires some careful handling. Your bf is apt to view any request polite to stop seeing her etc as you being controlling and manipulative. Men know that women often try to bully them for their own amusement and are not half as upset as they claim to be.January 20, 2019 at 6:19 pm #736783
You are right, he can simply not tell you he is still meeting up with her. And you’d never know for sure if they are having sex or not. Because he is not going to say yes we are. But if you are cool with this, then do nothing.
Twice a month is too often for pals but just right for FWB. it is possible they are not having sex now, but who is to say they won’t start hacving it again. Lets say the two of you have an argument. You piss him off with something. He has a history of cheating, and he had already hid this quite sensitive thing from you. If you can trust him despite all this then everything is cool. But I can tell that you cannot, otherwise you won’t be posting here. In your shoes most women would not be ok with this situation. He knows that and that’s why he hid it from you.
I’d try to invite myself to those meetups. Then the frequency of them needs to decrease to once every few weeks and then every few months. And texting too. However, this FWB would always be there on the background, “ready to strike”. Not a nice setup for you, sorry to say.
If you are afraid of the ultimatum then you know his feelings for you are not very strong. If a man is serious about you, some past FWB would not be an issue. Especially he is meeting her way too often. I don’t get to see my close friends that often, even when I wish to.January 20, 2019 at 7:40 pm #736785
I can absolutely see why you aren’t happy. There’s a real problem that she doesn’t want you included I can tell you, and another big problem that he’s ok with that too. He cheated on his ex wit her, and off they go for dates now too that you are kept out the scene of at her request. Are you sure that’s even true and it isn’t him keeping you apart? People have a way of normalising things that aren’t normal simply by telling the truth. That doesn’t make it ok to do just because he’s told you. This all sounds too much for a partner to be ok with in my opinion and you are right to have a problem with it. What to do? I’m increasingly of the opinion that you have to let people do what they will, and you react accordingly. So if this is ok for him and not you, you say this isn’t something you’re comfortable with so you’ll make your choices based on his, and end it with him. No need for ultimatum.January 22, 2019 at 2:01 am #736922
I completely understand your mindset. I would be pretty concerned if my partner was having frequent meet-ups with an ex FWB without me. If you were invited to these catch ups it would be a different story. How come this other woman doesn’t want you there? She probably isn’t over your boyfriend. I would be really cautious. He may not be sleeping with her and if he is it’s not like he’s going to tell you is it?
As one poster suggested maybe it might be a good idea to invite yourself to these meet ups to see the dynamic of their relationship, how they interact. If it seems dodgy I would then bring it up with your boyfriend that it makes you uncomfortable for them to be spending so much time together and maybe find out why he needs to see her so much? If it was just a platonic friend it would be fine but this isn’t just a female friend.
I personally would never date anyone with a history of cheating because if they can do it once they may have the thought of doing it again. You deserve to be with someone who puts you first. You’re not a second to a woman from his past.January 22, 2019 at 6:22 am #736943
if they are really good friends, over and above having been fwb as well, i can completely understand why he wants to keep her in his life. i want to keep my friends in my life as well.
refusing that you meet her and join in any of their get togethers is however a really big red flag. you tend to be accomodating to your significant other over your friends. spend more time with your significant other. invite your significant other with on visits with friends etc. so wanting to hang out alone so often and putting her feelings of not wanting to meet you first, is dodgy to say the leastJanuary 22, 2019 at 8:01 am #736948
Has your bf told anyone about you? I would possibly guess he hasn’t told the ex-FWB about you. I would want to meet my friends girlfriend- where he is saying she doesn’t want to meet you. He may be keeping her around in case things don’t work out between you both. That way your a secret and he can begin something very easily. That’s why I asked if you’ve met his group of friends