This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Cristal 2 months, 1 week ago.
May 16, 2019 at 12:04 pm #750170
So I am feeling a bit conflicted. I am 27 years old. I have been with my boyfriend (30 years old) for months and months now. He informed me that he suffers with mental health issues, depression and anxiety, but I had not realized how bad it was until recently. Seems a bit worse recently. He sees someone for it weekly, but sometimes skips appointments here and there.
He comes to stay at my house for a few days a week when he is not working. He currently lives a distance away. He works half weekend, half weekday hours. He is a wonderful man when he feels good. We have fun, he’s loving, and the perfect guy for me. We want to build a life together. He says he sees a future with me. Told his parents and friends I am the one. I saw the text messages for myself.
He has told me I am the most amazing girl he has even met and I deserve the world.
We talk about moving in together permanently, we have vacations planned together this summer and his parents are overjoyed that we are together. He has mentioned things going long term and he sees us getting married. We have even talked about children’s names.
When we first got together, he had dinners waiting for me when I got home from work, cleaned my home, and took care of me. He still cleans my house mostly, but I noticed dinners are less and less. We cook together, which I love, or I cook for us. I don’t mind cooking, but I fear that maybe I am mothering too much and turning into a mother figure. He brings me flowers and he takes care of me. But I feel myself taking care of him way more, to the point I feel alone sometimes. I love affection, so I am always kissing, touching, cuddling with him. He claims he likes it.
He will have these horrible stints of anxiety. He gets almost in a state of paranoia and comes across as almost out of his mind. He says conflicting things that don’t make sense. I try and reason with him to no avail. He will just start laughing for no reason. Then he will cry on my shoulder hating himself. He will occasionally even say mean things to me. “We’re over” to my face or the other night was even worse “F*** you”
I get so hurt by these things. The worst is that he acts then like he doesn’t even remember saying them. I get frustrated, stressed, and sometimes feel like I am at my limit. I try and ask him if I did anything, sometimes he says yes, most times no, but he won’t explain what I did wrong, he is just frustrated and in this anxiety ridden state. He will shake with anxiety, so I hold him and tell him he is safe and nothing bad is happening. He says he doesn’t know why he is anxious, that is just comes on. He says he does not want it to happen.
The other night was so bad. He was shaking so much. Had to use the bathroom, but felt he could barely get himself there. I helped him to the bathroom and he said I could go out so he could urinate. He was so anxiety ridden and upset, he ended up peeing all over. The floor, toilet, all over the back of the toilet, on the seat, shower curtain. I was appalled. He cried claiming he didn’t want nor mean to do that. He was so upset with himself after. I then had to get to cleaning after a long day at work. Last thing I wanted to do was clean his pee. He kept asking why I was so annoyed. I told him I was frustrated and my bathroom was cleaned and I was tired and this was the last thing I wanted to be doing. It was gross and smelly. I had to wash everything top to bottom then wash myself. I cleaned the area up since it was so late, and then cleaned it again the next morning since I could still smell it a bit to make sure everything was sanitary again. It was so much work for me.
He usually falls asleep after for the night, exhausted from his anxiety ridden attack. I then sit alone watching television or clean my home. In the night, he wakes up perfectly fine, cuddles me and in the morning is fine and himself. I try and talk to him in the morning and tell him how he hurt me with words, but he claims to not remember and apologizes up and down for it claiming he would never want to do that to me.
I tried to tell him the morning after what he said, why I was upset, and how he hurt me and I was at wits end. He then threw out something about that if this wasn’t working for me then something about me ending things. I asked him if he wanted to end things. He said no way. I said I didn’t either and how I love him. I was simply speaking up to tell him how I feel and what went down. He claims he doesn’t remember. My guy friend thinks he does and is embarrassed and uses the memory as a cover to not have to own up to it.
I think deep down, he does know what he is saying. My suspicions were even more validated after talking to a good guy friend of mine who has struggled with mental health for years, but is perfectly fine now. My guy friend thinks he lashes out at me, regrets it, and acts like he doesn’t remember and blames it on the anxiety to cover it up. I definitely think my boyfriend has anxiety, my friend agrees, but my friend thinks he uses it as an excuse to get people to back off him. Most likely family, friends, and now me.
I truly love my boyfriend and want to live with him and get married, but I am so concerned about our relationship. After this most recent occurrence the other night, I promoted to him he needs to tell his parents about these fits, and call his therapist telling her what has happened. He claims his therapist knows and he doesn’t want to be on any medication. I don’t blame him. My guy friend whom I mentioned before was on medication and he said he felt like a robot and terrible inside. I don’t want the same for my boyfriend. I have heard that many people feel this way.
My boyfriend claims he just gets through it. He gets upset, he shakes, and he gets through it. He says he hopes I can just support him and get through it with him when it does happen.
He can’t go out in public, he can’t be around other people. We had plans the other night and we had to stay in, which I didn’t mind in the least because he had such high anxiety.
I comfort him, take care of him when this happens. Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his girlfriend. We had sex last week. This week we didn’t have any. Three days he was with me, none. He initiated it the first day, we were in the shower, water went cold, and we didn’t end up doing it. I don’t know if I should be worried about the no sex. I just attributed it to his high anxiety almost the whole time he visited.
I’m worried about our relationship. I love him so much. He is a kind, caring, thoughtful man. I do see my life with him. I feel like when he left today for his weekend of work, he was distant. Maybe anxious? We said we love each other. I really do love him. I fear he will grow tired of me and I don’t want to nag him about his anxiety. Its not a burden, but I worry for him. I told him I am trying my best to understand how he feels.
He claims I am an amazing, beautiful, woman and he would never ever want to lose me.
I fear maybe I a mothering him too much, but that’s a part of my personality. He is in distress with anxiety so I take care of him. I don’t want to be walked all over though and that is my fear. Also the no sex, is making me worry something is wrong too? Should I be worried? Am I mothering too much?May 16, 2019 at 1:10 pm #750184
I’m sorry but this guy is in no shape to handle a relationship.
He needs to work on his issues.
You sound more like a caretaker than a girlfriend.
I’d sit him down in a neutral place( not your apartment) and break things off.
If you do it at your place I guarantee he is gonna have an episode and you’ll be left to clean up the mess.May 16, 2019 at 1:13 pm #750188
You posted about this before… Your BF is an alcoholic.
What advice do you want to hear?
You got tons of great advice on your first post…May 16, 2019 at 1:14 pm #750187
Hi. Did you write about tbis relationshipe before and then it came to light he had a real drink problem ? Only you can decide if you can cope with a person like this really. Life is supposed to be happy and carefree remember. xMay 16, 2019 at 1:18 pm #750190
Firstly, your friend cannot and should not diagnose your boyfriend. That is opinion not fact.
Secondly, I am sure this is reallllly difficult so my heart goes out to you.
Thirdly – I suggest you get a therapist and that you get a couples counselor. They can help you manage this by suggesting how to communicate best and if what he is saying is true to his challenges. Maybe he should be on medication.
Fourthly – I suggest you tell him that you are there to support him, but the following must be true:
A. He needs to be in active therapy and trying ways to calm himself that you can work on together. You will not tolerate any lapse in getting help and learning new methods to sooth him.
B. He needs to clean up after his episodes. You expect that he will wake up the next day and look around and clean up anything that he did and do it well. He needs to do that the next morning, period. You are not doing that and if he refuses, you will leave.
C. You will no longer tolerate the woe is me stuff. Every time this happens you cannot be in the loop of – he has an episode, you voice your concern and he them says – you want to leave me. That is toxic. You have to know that he is an adult, working on his issues and willing to listen if he remembers or not. If he does not, you need to discuss this with the councelor
and I also suggest that you do not stay home with him when he has an episode and you have plans. You go.
Also, please look up codependency. I think it could help with you being supportive, but not mothering or having no boundaries.May 16, 2019 at 1:56 pm #750205
If you marry this man… your life will be hell. You know this isn’t going to get better, right? He will only get worse as he ages. You can love him but you can’t fix him. Love is not enough for a happy life together. If you marry him and he can’t work, what are you going to do? What if you have children? What if you have to divorce him and be a single mother and even pay alimony to him if he’s incapable of working?? You really need to think about this.May 16, 2019 at 2:30 pm #750209
You should stay with him. You 2 are great together when he isn’t having some sort of episode. Your love can make him better and he’ll love you for it later when he’s over this.May 16, 2019 at 3:51 pm #750216
I also had flash backs of this being the drinking bf where you now left out all the details about the drinking to see if you get other perspectives. That doesnt work. Its your life, you can leave out all the details you want, but ypu have to work with the whole package.
Sometimes i just hate my own sex that thinks loves conquest all so we put up with all sorts of craziness. Do you think guys are like that? No way, they run away while they still can. You think your bf would be on some website claiming how he loves her after you peed all over the place being wasted? I doubt it. If people you love get meltdowns, fine you help when you can. If youre married to one, you take on more tasks. Etc
But willingly, knowingly stay with a man you can still break up from is creating your own hellholeMay 16, 2019 at 3:55 pm #750218
The lasts posts from your other threat i remember was that you would force him into rehab. Me and others already told you, he wont go. And now youre already in the hiding things mode where you leave the part out he was piss drunk and therefore peed all over the floor. Which makes more sense than doing that caused by some anxiety. Stop sticking your head in the sand. This will only get worseMay 16, 2019 at 4:34 pm #750219
Holy crap! I though my husband, an alcoholic, was bad enough….your’s makes him look like a social drinker! All I can say is “Codependent No More….” by Melody Beatty. Its YOUR LIFE and if you want to spend your life caring for an alcoholic then knock yourself out, literally.May 16, 2019 at 4:37 pm #750221
Some people really can’t function without medication. He sounds like one of them.May 16, 2019 at 5:16 pm #750226
When all this anxiety happened and he had these episodes, he didn’t drink all day. I was with him the whole time. He didn’t even seem to want to get off the couch let alone buy liquor. I qatched him all day. He wasn’t drunk. It was the anxiety.May 16, 2019 at 5:39 pm #750228
Are you sure? My mom used to drink a hard liquor in coffee cups pretending it was coffee. She had bottles stashed in the oven, in the garage etc. But even if he didnt, does that change anything? You need to look in the mirror and tell what you love about yourself. Everything. You need some selflove here because if you have decided you love a man based on the facts he told his parents and naming the future kids (god help them) all the while he is already a lot of trouble after a few months then you must think deep down you dont deserve any better. But you do! So look In the mirror and be kind to yourself. Your friends are clearly in the loop and already warning you, listen to them. Dont destroy your own life. Alcoholics are also known to have narcissistic traits so they will make everything about them and also really good liars.
I read an awesome book a while ago, maybe i posted it in the other threat, i dont remember. Amy liptrot, the outrun. It took her 10 years to get sober and she lost the love of her live in between and jobs, and houses. She got it together returning to her home island, desolate place. And wrote a book as part of her recovery.May 16, 2019 at 5:47 pm #750230
Alcohol affects every part of the body where he could have been detoxing from the alcohol which could have killed him! You have no flipping clue what your dealing with and highly suggest you go to AA and speak to alcoholics and Al Anon to speak to those who love their alcoholics and then take a serious step back and consider if your strong enough to handle this potentially for life!!! Knowledge is power!!!May 16, 2019 at 5:53 pm #750232
Yeah what lane said. I remember someone suggesting to contact al anon to learn what you are dealing with. Did you do that because i also have a feeling you have no clue what alcoholism is aboutMay 16, 2019 at 5:54 pm #750233
And there is a high possibility he does have anxiety and is self medicating. Thats even worse to deal withMay 17, 2019 at 2:34 am #750256
You talk about him ‘shaking with anxiety’ – alcoholics get the shakes, bad, when they’re in withdrawal.
I don’t believe for a second anxiety made him piss all over the bathroom – that’s being in such a bad physical state you can’t control yourself, so if he wasn’t drunk, again it’s the withdrawal.
I had a 3 year thing with a man who was an alcoholic (yes my past is colourful, haha) and when they start pissing in the wardrobe in the middle of the night because they’re so confused about where they are, it gets old really fast. Be thankful you only had to scrub your bathroom this time, and not dry clean all your clothes.
You seem to be worried about mothering him – if I were his mother I’d be giving him some tough love, you’re not doing any mothering by enabling his addiction and helping him hide it, and in this thread you’re even joining in his denial!
If it’s only been a few months, get out now, before you’re trying to stop him waking baby with his antics.May 17, 2019 at 6:14 am #750261
You’re in serious denial. You desperately want to believe this is some kind of controllable, “he can’t help it” anxiety or depression thing.
The man is a hardcore alcoholic. That’s the cold, hard truth. When are you going to deal with that? You have posted more than once about this, you aren’t taking the advice. Al-Anon is where you need to go next. You’re way past the casual help of strangers here.May 17, 2019 at 6:17 am #750262
And Lane is right, you can die trying to detox on your own. You can’t go cold turkey off alcohol. This man needs way more help than you can give him. You’re actually enabling him, have you considered that? You can’t force him to change, he has to come to that himself and want to get better and willingly check himself into rehab.
He’s going down unless he makes another choice. Don’t go with him.