Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Blurred lines with married colleague
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Ella.
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Ella
I’m single and still dealing with the effects of an abusive relationship. I don’t date because it’s hard for me to get close to people. There’s a married man at work who I would see only occasionally last year. Over the summer he had to come see me about something, and we had a great conversation. I was happy to have made another friend at work. Since then, he has been around a lot more. We would BS like I do with any other male colleagues who I have zero attraction to. He would ask me questions about my family, past, etc., and genuinely take interest in my life. It felt so good to have someone care when my abusive ex made me feel worthless. He was a nice reminder that there are good men out there. Knowing that he was married, I did not view him romantically whatsoever. I never thought about him. He would also mention his wife and show me pics of his kids, and so it seemed completely platonic.
Now the last couple weeks I’ve either coincidentally been bumping into him more, or he has been seeking me out. He also pays me compliments and seems to make lingering eye contact. He mentioned that I never visit him (which I don’t Because he’s married). Then yesterday during a random conversation he said “that’s why i like you” and that he wished he’d known me “before.” I think he meant before his wife, so i got nervous and changed the topic. It sure bothered me to think that he might have feelings for me, because they’ve been creeping up on my end too. And with me having such a hard time dating, it’s hard for me to find that connection with anyone.
Please don’t judge me. There’s zero chance I’d pursue anything with a married man. I’m only here to vent because I am having a hard time. He shows interest in all aspects of my life and makes me feel good about myself. I never got that from my ex. And please don’t bash the other guy, because for all I know it could be nothing. And again, even if he is trying to test the waters, I would never date or hook up with a married man.
Raven
What are you really asking…
Ella
I guess I’m just venting and also trying to figure out if he is just being friendly or trying to test the waters for more. If it seems like it’s the latter, I guess I’ll have to start avoiding him.
K
I catch your drift. He’s saying things that make your gut go off. Trust your gut. Back way off from him. I repeat, if it makes you feel uneasy, honor that. You don’t need to try to justify it with logic. Or justify it at all. Women are too concerned with being “nice” at the expense of themselves. I’d be uncomfortable if someone started saying things like that to me as well. Make sure you’re not alone with him anymore. You don’t need another traumatic experience right now.
Ella
But is he indeed testing the waters/hinting at more, or is it possible he’s just friendly?
K
Ella, either is possible.
There’s no way for anyone on this site to be able to tell you for sure what he’s doing. You’re the one who knows him. Trust your gut. Yes, it’s possible he’s just being friendly and polite. And it’s possible that given your last relationship you’re overreacting. It’s also possible he’s testing the waters.
You have to sort out for yourself if you’re having irrational fear or a real warning from your gut.
LJ
That’s the tricky (or frustrating) thing about determining intent. If he is truly testing the waters, then he’ll do so in a way that’s indistinguishable from just being friendly. If he’s “doing it right” from his perspective, then you shouldn’t be able to tell. That’s a sad state of affairs because it can add complications to platonic relationships, but that’s how things are.
Trust your gut. Back away. If he truly is testing the waters, then that intent may become more clear as you back away.
Raven
You need to be the one to back away.
You’re here confused about this guy. Means you’re headed down that road…BETTER OFF single
Keep it platonic on your part. You can not control him, you can control to how you respond to him. Keep changing the subject when the “that’s why i like you” or “i wish i knew you before” stuff comes up.
It feels good because you aren’t being abused. Tread carefully. You dont know exactly what he is like. He may look good to you now but in the end wind up just like your ex. Also, Like you said he is married. Unless by some coincidence he leaves his wife, becomes 100% single himself, gets on his feet, has his own place, and has no feelings for or ties to his wife other than meeting up regarding kids- The guy is and should be completely off limits and thinking of him in a way other than just a buddy you like to BS with you need to back off until you get your head right.
Be strong. Keep your standards. There are available men out there that are out there. Dating isn’t hard. You just practically have to sell yourself on social media to get the guy these days. Study marketing. It might help keep your mind off the guy and give you creative ways to put yourself out there to get a good available man.
Newbie
I get no vibe from this guy that he is more interested than doing some flirting maybe because he is bored.
Why dont you play this movie scenario up to the end? Suppose he is interested and then what? You probably end up being the woman he has an affair with. At work!
Thats a bad comeback after your previous relationship. Maybe it a sign youre ready to feel loved again and take steps from being shielded. And date again. But stay away from this guy. That will only bring trouble. You cant forever be the victim from an abusive relationship. At least i would wish more for you. So open your world again. It wont be easy. Dating is hard. But you have to tryElla
Newbie-I’m not sure what you mean. Are you saying that you think he is just flirting out of boredom, or he’s not just bored?
Ella
LJ-you’re right. I guess backing away is the only option.
Better off single
Nah. If you enjoy his company have some self control and say no to sexual advances if they come up. You’re letting your mind go there. Like you said for all you know it could be NOTHING. Why not keep it to what you actually do know? Which is NOTHING.
Keep your legs crossed and turn your body away from him when you talk. Cross one arm over the other. Keep conversations light hearted. Send clear signals it is platonic.
Newbie
Yeah i meant a bit bored with his marriage. I looked at his words and actions and none seemed very significant to me. Im sure there is some attraction but in the course of my life i felt that with tons of men some for real some in my head. It means nothing. What is does mean is youre feeling a lack of being loved and trust me i can relate to that too. But focusing on this man is not the answer
Newbie
And to add: you said you have a hard time dating and connecting and now seeing things in this man. To me that says you are emotionally unavailable and that would make perfect sense. Afraid of being hurt again. Thats why i said you could see this as a time to open yourself up again. But only do it when you feel ready and confident Otherwise you may end up dating a bunch of losers or players. Take care 😄
Ella
Well I guess if I’m going to be honest input I need to add a couple extra details. First, he pulled a groin muscle last week, so yesterday a coworker asked if it was healed. He said everything was perfect and then turned to me and mouthed to me that i could see for myself. Also, our secretary has really watching us closely. I think she must be picking up on nonverbals or something.
Raven
His ‘mouthed’ comment = Harassment…
Newbie
So he makes ‘sexual’ innuendo’s but he is still a married mam. Why are you trying so hard to make it meaningful?
Newbie
There was this man i was attracted to a long time ago. Smart academic, he looked clumsy and presented himself as a long life bachelor. He knew i was interested in him so he gave me books as presents, took me out to dinner etc, just because he liked my attention. He died a few years ago and it turned out he had a long term long distant girlfriend and a couple of other gf’s on the side lol. Short story: meaningless
Use your brain
So don’t be that easy target. He is married and acting completely idiotic. If I were you and he did something like that to me it would instantly turn me off and cause me to distance myself. He may have just been joking…still inappropriate from a man who is married.
Don’t mistake sexual interest with romantic interest. There’s your blurred lines. You want to be romanced and after an abusive relationship any form of kindness, flattery, and attention from the opposite sex especially if he’s attractive is a turn on or romantic. He just wants easy sex he can get away with. Maybe he’s fighting with his wife or something. It’s crazy how much bs the mind can cone up with.
Pay no mind to the secretary. More often than not she is just looking for those nonverbals to have the juicy gossip to spread around or create unnecessary drama to make herself feel better. Maybe try being her friend instead.
Ella
The secretary is by far the sweetest person in the workplace and would never spread gossip. That’s why I felt funny-I care more about her opinion than anyone else’s.
And really it doesn’t matter to me if his Interest is sexual or romantic; it’s not like I’m pursuing a relationship with him. I just want to know if he was being friendly or sending signals.
Anderson
I can understand valuing something you never got from an ex. But I could find you 100 married men like him who’d make you feel just as special, or more. All the thoughfulness, care, attention, praise you talk about. You deserve it and lots more -but- from a guy who is single, among other healthy criteria. The connection may be unique but when it comes from someone who’s married, it’s not worth much.
It’s almost a test for you. Here’s someone making you feel the way you crave, but it’s still a wrong, risky dynamic. You have an opportunity, especially given your past rship, to develop some self-respect and show your own self some love. And that would be by setting very strong colleague-esque boundaries with him. Don’t let your values about his marriage lull you into a false sense of security. Feelings often don’t give a damn about facts or values and develop based on the environment you consistently put yourself in. And given that this is has a doubley “forbidden” undertone to it (work + taken), I’d be rather cautious and stand-offish if I were you
Sophia
Him mouthing you can see for yourself didn’t send you a signal of his intent?
Really?
Ella
Sophia-some of my friends do joke around like that, so I thought Maybe that’s all it was. But then again, I’m not exactly friends with him either.
Sophia
Exactly. You’re not really friends. Please stop engaging with him. You’re smarter than that.
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